She has always used me as a scapegoat with my Father. Telling him lies to get him upset with me. Then turning around and telling me he said “you will never amount to anything.” My father never said it to my face. He died 6 years ago. Now she decides to disinherit me. She knows I resent being the oldest of 11 before I was even 16 yo. I chose early in life that I had raised enough kids and didn’t want my own. Focused on getting myself through college and grad school to prepare for a successful career. Married @ age 40. My husband and I are both retired. We don’t need the money. It’s the final hurt that I can’t get over. Siblings and husband think I should talk to her. But I know her game too well as she’s played it my entire life. She’s 87 now so pretty sure things won’t change. To everyone else she is the perfect mother and grandma. Only I heard all of the negative and mean things she said to me in private. Thanks for letting me vent.
the one thing that might make her uncomfortable for a minute if you really want that
Both of our mothers are phonies; they put on one face for the world and another for the family members. They portray the nice face for others and the ugly face for those closest to them, where they can let their slip show. To the outsiders, our mothers are sweet and wonderful, to us, they're snarling, passive/aggressive manipulators who paint US to be The Bad Guy. I know that game well; as an only child, I've lived it my whole life. My mother is now 95 on the 20th of this month, with advanced dementia and living in Memory Care AL, and only now calming down some of those ugly traits, due to the advanced dementia. Although she STILL plays some games, pitting family members against one another, believe it or not.
It hurts to be used as a pawn in their little games, I know. My question is this: why did your brother feel it necessary to tell you mother cut you out of her will? Did that bring him some sense of joy or power to know that news hurt you? Because if it were me hearing such news, I'd have kept it to MYSELF and not shared it with you, knowing such news would be hurtful. What motive did he have for such a thing, I wonder? I wonder if mother isn't trying to alienate you siblings from one another now, too? That could easily be HER motive in telling him such a thing. That would be my first guess.
Try to ignore her games as much as possible and ignore HER, too. What she likely wants here is a REACTION from you to this news she 'innocently' told your brother about the inheritance. You call her, blow up, and she gets her fuel for another round of the Game where YOU LOSE and she wins. Don't engage to begin with and then SHE loses, you know? Women like this need to be told to Sit Down & Shut Up, but for some reason, they rarely are. What they hate most, though, is to be totally IGNORED. Then they ramp up their antics, so prepare yourself!
Wishing you the best of luck sidestepping your mother's games and staying out of the manipulation games entirely.
YOU care. That's what Mom has always banked on, so if you stop doing this little dance with her and stop caring that she's doing what she always has, then there's no power left to her.
Ignore your brother (and what's with him pulling that??), ignore Mom and when she's gone, if you get something -- great. If not -- great.
Life goes on whether you let these people jerk your chain or not. It just goes more smoothly when you don't.
You are not "beholden" to her to keep your inheritance intact. The fact that you don't need it is a testament to you and your husband in the way you manage your lives.
Now just to play devils advocate here...
Are you 100% sure that you have been cut out?
Yes your brother may have told you that but did he actually see the will? Or did mom tell him knowing it would get back to you?
And IF it is true and you have been excluded (and you don't know how many others have been excluded as well) your mom is free to change the will again, and again, and again if she wishes to. the only one that will be valid is the one that is the one that is current the day she dies. Until then she can do whatever she wants.
Live your life the way you want don't worry about the what might be, the what if's.
For me the point is more why would you stay around to hear all of the 'negative and mean' things she has said to you in private all this time? And why are you staying to hear it now? And why does your bro so delight in informing you of all this???
If it isn't an ironclad will well written then you can hang them all up in court for years if you want, as a sibling written out of a will, but for what? Why would you want to spend your valuable time that way? (unless you had, as that delightful commercial says "turned into your parent".)
I recommend getting out there and sticking to your good and happy life. Forget about her money. Most of us don't get an inheritance. Many of us are helping out our folks at the end with our OWN money.
No matter blood being thicker than water, I would move on away from this gang waiting for Mom to die so they can divvy up the funds. I would get out there, have fun, do good, make a way to feel great about myself with my hubby.
You can't change your Mom. You somewhere always knew that and made good life choices for yourself. Now get out there and enjoy them.
It's a New Year. Try to make it a really good and happy and healthy one. Most of all that last part, because if we have our health we can make anything OK.
And just so you know, I DO agree with you that cutting you out of the will is some CRUEL last slap in the face. I have a daughter I am very close to and one I am not that close to for whatever reasons of our personalities. I would however NEVER cut a child out of my will; it is, as you say, a last cruelty you cannot respond to. If you are feeling perverse you can always lean comfortably back in the chair and say "So. MOM. Bradley says that I am cut out of the will. Want you to know I will be fine without the dough, but just curious. Is there a reason?" She actually may HAVE one. You may be financially very secure and others may not be. She may not be worried about you because you are strong and secure. Wouldn't that be good news???? That's probably what I would do, with a really sickening sweet smile, but then I was raised in the 50s. Know how to do passive aggressive and can take great joy in it in bad times.
Whatever your choice, have fun with it. If you can. Or just do what I tell the dog: "drop it".
It seems like she wants you to bluster in full of accusations--and then she can claim innocence of anything (because likely she hasn't changed her will).
I would maintain a frosty distance from these nut jobs. You don't need the drama.
Stop focusing on what other people think of your or her. You know the truth, and you get "revenge" by living well and finding your own joy without them. When my family said they were enraged and going to disinherit me because I left their religion, I told them that I didn't care -- and I didn't. I didn't have much money at the time. But it was the most freeing thing! And FYI they didn't do it, but rather gained new respect for me. The relationships are good now.
No matter how they treat you, you are not a victim or scapegoat. The less contact you have with them the less power you allow them to have over you. I would not even discuss you and your mother's relationship with anyone in the family anymore -- it just feeds the lie and gives others power and makes you unhappy. Come to peace with the fact that family doesn't fulfill us in the way we long for. Use that emotional energy elsewhere. I wish you much joy and peace in your heart in the new year!