I am seeking some support and advice from the community. I am a semi-estranged only child, who lives on the west coast. I moved out here years ago to get some distance from my narcissistic and emotionally abusive mother. I have had a lot of work to do to develop healthy boundaries, and have done literally years of therapy to find a reasonable baseline for my own wellbeing and to develop ways to take care of myself. I have no siblings, and have never met my father. My mother lives on the east coast, and she owns a house that also comes with a lot of land. She no longer earns any income, and has been living off a reverse mortgage, but that reverse mortgage money is coming to an end. If she were to sell the house, she could get enough money from the sale to pay off the reverse mortgage and have money left over to also afford a much smaller and modest place. The thing is, she refuses to sell her property. She is beyond reason on this, and while I do have empathy for her experience of not wanting to leave a place she’s lived in for many years, there are no other reasonable options. And to be clear, this is not a place that my husband and I want to live, and even if we did, there’s no way we could even afford it and maintain some semblance of our own retirement planning and our own financial healthy boundaries, etc. The property is way out of any financial range that we could afford. If I do try to talk to my mother about this, she becomes emotionally abusive and I end up having days’ worth of complex trauma triggers that take me about 2-3 days to recover from. The relationship is such that I have to do a lot of emotional preparation to even talk to her on the phone, and going to visit her is a whole other level of trauma management and emotional preparation. I would greatly appreciate any empathy and/or support and/or insights. Thank you!
Don't call her, or deal with her if she upsets you that much.
You should not be so involved or ever be POA for a woman who you have to do mental and emotional gymnastics just to speak on the phone with her . Don’t even talk about her house .
Do not discuss Mom's house.
Others can advice her, re selling.
Mom will decide.
The consequences will be your Mom's.
The reason I am presenting this is because here I caught myself in a similar situation. My BIL and my sister both passed away, leaving my niece with no one, except the next of kin. That was me. Unfortunately, my niece is autistic and at the time, my life was a mess. My husband was sick and I could not raise my niece. I was 60 years old, at the time. I also have my own health issues. But I had no choice, but to hire a lawyer and petition the court, to have her placed in a group home. But in the time this was being resolved, I still had to do it.
OMG. I lasted 3 months with this. Thank God she was still in school and I had the help and resources to aid me .
So please check on whether that is the case and order of kin in the state she may reside. Please just for your health. I know it destroyed mine and was down to 103lbs.
I believe some US states still have Filial Laws. Very old laws, no-one on the forum that I have read has even been affected by them. Maybe worth some research for the OP, for piece of mind.
I know how hard it is to try and help someone who doesn't want to accept it. The frustration of watching them make mistakes when you can see how to resolve the situation can be overwhelming. It is literally debilitating, as every attempt to make things right saps your energy and opens you up to abuse.
I went through this when trying to help my mum rehabilitate after a stroke. Her husband got very nasty with me and, with his support of her doing nothing, Mum went along with him and never regained her independence.
I had to take a step back, for my own wellbeing and sanity, and so do you.
I knew that the outcome would be Mum becoming frail and incapable and dying relatively young. Just as you know that the outcome could be your mum living in poverty, losing her home and, possibly, never getting the real value of her property back when it is forcibly sold by the bank.
There's nothing you can do, and you need to accept that.
I would do what another poster suggests - write a clear and to the point letter, explaining the possible outcomes of your mum selling or not selling. You could copy the letter and send it every 6 months, in the hopes that one day it will be read with an open mind (or not).
Other than that, stop engaging on this matter. In fact, keep contact to a level that you can deal with, even if that's zero.
Your wellbeing matters, so protect your boundaries.
Practice meditation. Tell yourself repeatedly that you did your best and now you give this matter up to the universe (or the gods, or whatever sits best with you). It's no longer your problem. Breathe it out.
Interest piles up over time because the lender doesn't take out interest/fees when the monthly payment is given to the person receiving the RevMortg.
Is there a way Mom can sub-divide the land? Then sell it to a developer. She may get enough to pay the mortgage off and stay in her home.
If she is wasn't such a witch I might suggest taking her to a financial planner and have them explain the numbers to her but it doesn't sound like she would go anyway.
And please never move your mother into your house. No matter if she is in fact homeless and needs someplace to say. Direct her to the nearest and cheapest motel in her area that she can afford.
And being "semi-estranged" I would probably just let the chips fall where they may, and not pick up the pieces when they fall.
I can only guess that you are not your mothers POA anyway, so if and when the time comes, you can just let the state take over her care and figure out what to do with any of her assets.
You have to now do and continue to do what is best for you and your mental health, and if that is letting your mother make mistakes and make her life a mess without your interference, well so be it.
Not all stories have happy endings and those of us that grew up in major dysfunction just have to be ok with that, as we can't rewrite our stories.
We can only move forward and do what we can to make sure that we don't repeat the same mistakes our parents made.
So you do you and do whatever you need to to keep your mental health intact.
I cannot imagine.
This isn't even your problem or your business in all honesty.
Your mother has refused to sell the property.
She is apparently in her right mind, and even if she were NOT in her right mind, attempting to take over the life of someone uncooperative who has dementia from another side of the country is absolutely impossible.
I think this is for you and your therapist to discuss.
You are NOT responsible for your mother. Your connection is a blood connection which gives you no rights and no authorities. If she wishes to die alone in this home, allow her to. If she wishes to stay there until she is ushered out the door due to eviction, then let her. If you have concerns report them to APS and suggest guardianship by the state.
To me, your question is the easiest one of the day.
I cannot imagine this large "Simon-says take all the giant steps backward you ever managed to find your way forward to".
Please continue to get help, practice the serenity prayer daily. THIS is not in your control. Stay out of it.
Explain the options to her and what you're willing to do to help. Explain the other option of her not doing anything. You can advise her to contact an attorney close to her to help her iron out her final days and how she will survive and where she will live. Sit back and wait for her to do something or let the chips fall where they may for her.
Take care of yourself. It's important.