I'm the oldest daughter of five children, and I'm the primary caregiver. No is mom's favorite word. Sometimes I'm not even finished speaking before she says no. Sometimes, if I wait long enough, she'll change her mind, but waiting long enough can mean weeks or months. For relatively inconsequential stuff, she can say no all she wants to, but her latest no could've made a bad situation worse.
This week mom called me because she was in so much pain she could barely walk. I told her to call her doctor, but she didn't want to. I told her that I can't give her pain relief because I'm not a doctor and that she needed to call her doctor. She apparently did because the next call I got from her was to tell me that her doctor told her to go to the ER. I told her to call an ambulance and that I'd meet her there. She said no. I asked why. She said "because I don't want to". I picked her up, but she could barely get into the car. She could've fallen getting to the car or getting into the car. She/I should've called an ambulance.
What do I do about mom's new favorite word?
She called me and said "please come pick me up."
I said "no, I can't possibly do that."
EMTs took her to the hospital. She has a broken shoulder.
It is a very useful phrase.
Can you give mom choices?
"Either you can call rhe ambulance, or shall I?
Either way, just do what your mom needs. Don't seek her permission if what you are going to get is a constant stream of "no".
You say you're the oldest daughter, implying that you're expected to be the primary caregiver. Why are the other siblings not involved as much as you are? If you have a sister, why isn't she caregiving too? The reason I bring this up is because it is SO common that daughters (and daughters-in-law) are expected to be the caretakers of elderly parents. The sons just check in now and then, and aren't expected to do much more. Not saying your siblings are all slackers; I don't know them. Just seems like you're expected to take it all on just because you're the daughter.
About Me
I am a 67 year old, unmarried, childless woman caring for my stubborn 93 year old mother. Mom has severe short term memory problems, occasional confusion, sometimes has difficulty following conversations and many medical problems. Her needs have pretty much taken over my life. Her new favorite word is no. Her favorite phrase is "because I don't want to". We argue constantly.
Severe short term memory problems and confusion = dementia. At 93, with dementia and the rest of her medical issues, your mother is not safe living alone. Look into Memory Care Assisted Living for her where a team of caregivers will be available to her 24/7. Doctors come on site to see her there, too. She can sell her house to finance what's left of her life in Memory Care now. Hopefully you have POA for her. It's important to understand that her brain is damaged and she's not purposely acting "like a 5 year old" or saying no to annoy you. Arguing with her will get you nowhere, too. You need to enter her world now in order to keep her calm; that's always the goal with a dementia patient. To keep them calm and relaxed, whatever it takes. And SAFE. In 2 seconds flat, mom can burn the house down by forgetting she left a pot on a red hot stove. Or cause a flood by forgetting she turned the water on in the tub. It's vital to get her to the doc for a cognizance test to see just how bad she is! Make up a fib if necessary about Medicare requiring all elders to now get an annual physical each year, so I'll make an appointment for you mom (and go with her, of course).
Google a 33 page booklet download called Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller and read it. Learn all you can about what to do and not do for mom as her caregiver. Educate yourself is the best advice, really.
And don't tell HER to call 911.... you call and meet them at the house or the hospital. Her saying no should not sway you from making the prudent decision. I would never drive my mother or father to or from the hospital and always had the ambulance do the driving. Its much safer that way. Keep in mind mom has lost her ability to think rationally and make good decisions for herself so she needs you to be her advocate.
Wishing you the best of luck with the journey you have ahead of you.
So... why didn't you call an ambulance and direct it to her address?
You could be confident that she had no objection to going to the ER, or she wouldn't have reported what the doctor had told her to do.
I mean, God knows why she didn't want to do this herself - maybe she was scared of making a mess of it, maybe it seemed like a challenge and she felt defeated by it, maybe she couldn't find the words to describe what the problem was and "I don't want to" is just her new stock phrase - but in any case the moral seems to be: if it needs doing, go ahead and do it regardless.
Was she okay?
I also agree with BarbBrooklyn: you need to put up boundaries so that you don't get worn down to a nub trying to be the only solution.
Does your mother have an assigned PoA? This is the person who now needs to get her a cognitive exam so that a proper diagnosis is in her medical files. This diagnosis will activate the PoA authority. Then it's the PoA who needs to spring into action on behalf of your mom.
If your mom has no PoA, and she cannot be convinced to assign one... then guardianship by either the family or the county is the only other option for anyone to legally be able to advocate for her and manage her affairs.
Im caring for my parents ages 85-99. So I know what she’s talking about.
MH