My aging mom is not who I thought she was....Does anyone else experience that emotional incongruity?

Raysot, welcome.

Your wife is a wise woman. Follow her lead.

Your mother is no longer safe at home. She would need 24/7 care to give her the level of care she needs. Those with dementia, beyond the very early stages, should not live alone.

Your mother is exhibiting paranoia and delusions (about your wife.) Is her doc aware of this?

Is she in the hospital right now?

Get yourself to discharge planning and tell them there is no one to look after her at home. It would be an "unsafe discharge". Use those words.

Get her tested for a UTI; thise can cause psychiatric symptoms in the elderly.

Get a geriatric psych consult in the hospital. Be sure you tell them about the accusations she makes about your wife. They are symptoms, and may be able to be addressed with meds.

No! You are NOT a horrible person for feeling that way! Speak with the social worker for discharge planning and if she goes to rehab for the wrist, and can no longer live alone, under no circumstances tell them you could help. They make promises of we can get you lots of help which never happens. You work a full time job and there is no one to care for her at home. Make the social worker do their job!!

We constantly get asked the question here, "Am I a bad/horrible person?" We're all entitled to have the feelings & emotions we have w/o putting labels on ourselves for HAVING those emotions. We don't have bubbles over our heads that type out our thoughts for all to see, so we're entitled to feel our feelings w/o harsh judgements, don't you think?

In your profile, you say your mother suffers from Alz/dementia which is why she's treating your wife poorly & accusing her of stealing her telephones; it goes with the territory. In order to care for an elder with dementia, the caregiver has to understand where the paranoia is coming from: a broken brain. That said, your mother is living in Independent Living and suffering from dementia at the same time? That's not a good idea b/c she needs a higher level of care, obviously, as indicated by her recent fall and trip to the hospital. You wishing that she wouldn't come home is really a wish that she would live in a safer environment where more help & assistance was available & not left up to you and your wife. That would be Assisted Living or Memory Care Assisted Living vs. Independent Living which is what she likely needs at this stage of the game. Look into getting her situated in such a place where her needs can be met by a staff of caregivers that work 24/7 to provide it. That lets you AND your wife off the hook for the hands-on stuff and puts it where it's better accomplished: onto paid caregivers in a managed care environment.

Stop hating yourself for wanting a higher level of care for your mother and go about getting it for her!

Best of luck!

Yes-I think that's a normal reaction. And sometimes the person with the disease will target a caregiver. It's a good idea to limit their interactions.
A big move like that is disorienting for a person with dementia. They only have so much bandwidth left mentally to handle day to day living, and when they end up somewhere new they have none of their usual waymarkers. It takes up a lot of their mental resources and can cause them to progress a bit. The disorientation makes them aware of their losses, and they can lash out.

It sounds like she needs to be in a higher level of care.

If she and your wife had cordial relations before, then know that her behavior is due to the disease--her brain and her ability to think rationally are affected--it's not just memory.
This might be a helpful read for you and your wife:
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
This has a checklist of AD dementia symptoms you can download at the bottom of the page. it may help you figure out where your mom is stage-wise if she has AD: https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/
The alzheimer's organization has lots of resources--the forum here and the ones there have been helpful to me: https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx

So she lives NEAR, but not WITH you?
I caution you now, do not move her in, and even (especially) temporarily unless you intend to give up your marriage and quit work and take care of your Mother.
You mother will be some time in rehab.If after that time she is unable to do her own activities of daily living with what help she can afford to pay for herself, she needs placement in whatever facility her savings will allow her to access.
Who your mother is is not the question as she is aging, and whoever she is, that will be changing. Clearly she is already exhibiting signs of dementia with the ;phone thing. Her hospitalization is a good time to get together and get a good neuro-psyc evaluation.
Please stay as a unit in agreement. I am in your wife's corner and I hope she is steadfast in demanding that her marriage not go down with this particular ship. I wish you both the best.

If she is still in the hospital or has been discharged from the hospital to rehab, I’d really encourage you to use the time to get a needs assessment done on her while she’s there; ask the Social Worker as to getting one scheduled. Well worth the $. Then based on the assessment find a new place for her to move to once hospital stay / rehab is over.

So basically she does not return to the IL.

Yeah I know this sounds harsh, but with those false beliefs she has, and 1 bad fall (bet there were others she just didn’t tell you), her staying at IL is just 1 more big incident looming in the future. I’d also be concerned that she has rifts with her neighbors… if she has treated a neighbor as she has your wife, they will complain to management or to APS which would be even more problems. She needs some degree of 24/7 oversight. The needs assessment can shed light on what type of placement is best. I’ll bet it’s MC. If you can you want to just move her once… like from rehab to the new place. Don’t let her go back to the IL, it will be too dramarama to move her again a few weeks from now.

if mom should need to apply for LTC Medicaid to pay for a facility beyond what she currently pays for p IL, try to find out if your state pays for MC as well as NH. Not all states do. Majority only pay for skilled nursing care so care in a NH. If this is the situation, you kinda want that needs assessment and her health chart to show she’s “at need” for skilled nursing care. So no issue for her medical “at need” eligibility for Medicaid once she’s spent down her assets to be sufficiently impoverished & financially “at need” for Medicaid.

Perhaps your wife would be willing to help pack up AND jettison excess items of your moms from the IL? Could be therapeutic!

"emotional incongruity?"

Yes. I get it.
No. Not a horrible person -
a normal person, feeling the full spectrum of emotions.

That happens often when relatives try to become care-givers of sick people that need professional care.

With Dementia, no one should be living independently. If she can afford it, transfer her to Assisted living ASAP.

I have a feeling you had no idea how bad Moms Dementia was until you moved her near you. In early stages they are very good at "showtiming". For a short time being able to make others believe everything is normal. Then there is "sundowning" where in late afternoon/evening the Dementia shows its ugly head.

Short-term memory is the first to go, like forgetting where she placed the phones. The ability not to be able to reason is an early sign. They get paranoid and pick one person to take things out on. No Mom is not who you thought she was because the Dementia is literally killing her brain. With each stage, comes something new. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

To ease your stress you need to understand, this is not the mother you knew. This is a women suffering from a horrible desease that is robbing her of her memories and her identity. She may realize something is happening but can't understand it. So, she gets angry. She needs compassion. She can't help who she is becoming. Believe me, I lack patience. Its not easy dealing with a desease that so precarious. Never know what will happen from one moment to the next. You could be sitting having a nice visit and then something sets them off. Paranoia is a big thing with Dementia. Its not easy, but your wife cannot take things your Mom says to heart. She needs to let it roll off her back. Easy, no. But she has to realize your Mom has no control. They lose their filters, the ability to empathize and they become self-centered. Their world becomes very small. It becomes their comfort zone. They like familiar things and places. Right now she is not where things are familiar.

I empathize. My father died a few months ago of pancreatic cancer, and there were times he was downright mean. I’m not a medical expert but I think the extreme pain, coupled with dementia and the tumor spreading to the brain, causes this. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re most likely burned out from the emotional and verbal abuse and your wife is too. Only those who’ve been in this situation can truly understand the toll this takes on caregivers. You probably have not been able to sleep well or relax. As long as you don’t act on these feelings, know that you’re reacting in a very human way and you are brave to be honest about this. Take time to rest and take care of yourself. Visit your mother as much as you can. Forgive and tell her how much you care. Literally welcome each day as a new day and blank slate—this is what helped me to cope with my father. I had to forgive him and myself on a daily basis—I had to literally let each day go and forget about things, knowing I did my best. When it comes to the elderly and their erratic behavior know that long before they due you are already grieving—grieving who they used to be, and this is a shock to the system. Protect your marriage, feel your feelings and understand that your mother may not be totally aware of her actions, this helps to not take it personally. Take care!

No you are not a horrible person. I totally understand. This gets so tiresome. My mom has a “public” self and saves the complaining and such for me..The caregiver…thats sadly how this goes. Release your wife from the caregiver role. Mom needs assisted living and then visit her with your wife. You will thank yourself..P.S. we put mom into assisted after she had her hospital visit..

You are absolutely normal. Your feelings reflect the unexpected changes and fears associated with watching someone decline and realizing that your life is really no longer your own but dictated by the needs of the decling person.

I do.
I wonder what God's test is for me. Why did I get stuck here?! How can someone (my own mother) treat me like she does? She's 85, soon to be 86. It breaks my heart watching her deteriorate, she always took care of herself. Now it's asking each day; Mom...how about letting me wash your hair today? That's a no. How about letting me clip your nails? That's a no. Everything is a no. No to her medication. No to walks. No to visiting her sisters. No to everything and it's her house, she will do whatever she wants and I can leave. Giving all ger money away to my greedy brother and shelters the other one.
I woke up this year and it hit me that I've been there for 11 years!!!
When does it end? When do I get to live? I do have a son and 2 grandchildren!
Am I going to hell?
I wonder that alot.
Sending understanding and hugs.

When you moved your mother closer to you so that you could help out and spend more time with her, what exactly did you imagine that would involve? What assessment of her care and support needs did you carry out?

I'm sorry to be grumpy, and I do appreciate how sad this situation must be for you, but we see it all the time and it drives me nuts.

Your mother is elderly, she is frail and mentally frail, she has cancer; she has recently been uprooted from her familiar surroundings; and now because she's flipped her lid and said spiteful, hurtful, unjust things her daughter in law doesn't want to know. Again, I appreciate that hindsight is a wonderful thing, but did anyone attempt any *fore*sight before taking on this project?

And now she's in hospital with a fractured wrist and possible head injury.

You are not a horrible person, no (and neither is your wife). You have simply bitten off far more than you were ever going to be able to chew without guidance or support or training or experience; and now you are hoping she'll be unable to come home because it will relieve you of responsibility for her safety.

What's the news since last week? Are they planning to send her home?

You are not alone.All caregivers go through this at sometime or other.

I was experiencing the same thing with my husband. He is now in a skilled nursing facility. I receive calls nightly asking me to calm him down. Last night he fell and I wished it would be so severe that God would take him. He is miserable with this disease and no life for anyone. My life feels taken by this disease as well. I understand how you feel, let’s face it, no one would choose to live in this constant hell. Don’t feel guilty for wishing their hell to end peacefully and be with God

As I write this I have been listening to my mother talk ALL night long to people who aren't there, offering them food she hasn't cooked. Some of them are deceased relatives, some I have never heard of. When I got up at 3 a.m. to help her get to the bedside commode, I was yelled at because I had to change her clothes and most of her bed linens because she had removed her Depends and wet the bed again. I said all of that to say this, "You are definitely not alone!",

Dementia is a horrible thing. It steals Mom's life, which steals my life. I have been in her home, taking care of her for the last year. I have quit my job because I promised both parents they would not be put "in a home". When we all had Covid, I had to put her in a Hospice under "respite" care, just in case I was too sick to take care of her. No matter what it takes, I never plan to do that again. She came home dehydrated, incontinent, and over-medicated. They only had 4.5 days. This was a Christian Hospice. I never expected this! It was like she was simply "put on a shelf", ignored for all practical purposes.

I had only one sibling, who passed away in 2015. It was a weird childhood. My sister was Mom's favorite. Seemingly, I was Dad's. Mom and I have never gotten along, yet here we are. At varying times, she has thought people have stolen her jewelry, money, purse. She hallucinates, both visually and verbally. Infections of any kind make them worse, sometimes taking her down another notch for good, but sometimes she recovers back to her last state of mind when she takes antibiotics.

Sometimes, so much of your life feels "taken" from you that you welcome a period of rest, which Hospice can provide for five (usually consecutive) days per month. I think that is where you are coming from...you need a rest! Is there no one in the family that could help you out for a few days? If she is placed with Hospice, please ask pertinent questions before you consider respite care. In our area you can hire a "sitter" to come in so you can go out, but they are range from $20-$28 per hour with a 2 to 4 hour minimum, depending on which agency or if the sitter is free-lancing.

Ask the doctor for his recommendation, inquiring about being released to a care center, AL or a NH. Your wife is likely not equipped to handle the situation and it could even become dangerous for both your wife and mother. Your Mom clearly needs to be at least evaluated for mental status. You're not the first to have to deal with the situation, but you're asking your wife to something you wouldn't want to do and you'd not be concentrating on your own feelings so much.

I am starting to see erratic mood swings in my Mom. She is 81 and has dementia. The doctor put her on an antidepressant and that is helping quite a bit.

You are not a horrible person. You're a wonderful son who is stepping up to care for your mother. Your emotional incongruity is normal. I have the same feelings. It's a double-edged sword. On one hand, I love and care for her the best I can, and on the other hand, I visualize the freedom that I'll have one day when she no longer needs me, which makes me feel guilty. Blessings!

I urge you to immediately take her to a neurologist for further evaluation. My husband was the same and his PCP sent him to one and was beginning of dementia. This disease affects each person different and what you described is one of the characteristics. Please don’t hesitate to do this for her, you and your wife. The brain deteriorates and they are not in control anymore. My sister was at the receiving end of this and until he was diagnosed and we understood what was going on and we could expect with each stage of progression and not personal. That was huge for everyone. He also takes anti-depressant and anti anxiety which helps his frustration and aggression. Don’t underestimate this he’ll disease of dementia/Alzheimer’s. Run don’t walk to get her evaluated and if her doctor says no then she has the wrong doctor and find a geriatrics one. It made a big difference and best thing I did for him. I wish you and your mom best of luck and lots of love and patience.

Seems your mother has reached the point where she needs help 24/7/365. No one person can do this on their own. Please consider allowing case management and social services help you with your mom's placement.

Welcome to the world of caregiving. What you are feeling is so common. You are not a horrible person, but I write this to you as I feel the same thing almost everyday and think I am a horrible person for thinking these things. Just know you are not alone. Just don't ever think about bringing her to your home for even 1 day after a hospital stay. The hospital may try to convince you to do it, but then it is so hard to get them placed somewhere. If you refuse, the hospital will assign a social worker to get it done fast.
Something that made a big difference in my mom was a medication called Buspirone. I call it her 'happy pill,' because without it she is a bear. Does not make her tired or drugged, just helps with her mood.

yes, its an up and down cycle.

you can request care givers to come to the home once a day for things like bathing, cleaning her room, checking her vitals or just someone to sit with her and talk. this way you will have support and she will have a little variety of contacts. she's probably just as tired of you as you are of her....lol

You must know that you are not a horrible person (and neither is your wife) but you are coming into what is the "normal" world for those of us who care for those who suffer from dementia. They are not the people (parent, sibling, spouse) that we knew in our younger days. As an older person myself, I find the thought of dementia frightening and so they may be terrified and angry so frequently they will lash out at the person nearest to them. Combine that fear and anger with the loss of short term memory and you can well have a disaster. Unfortunately, no one realizes how bad it can get until they start down the trail. It was kind of you to move Mom closer to you for visitation and companionship but it sounds as if she needs more care than you can give at this time. And you and your wife deserve a life of your own. This is what the woman who used to be your mother would want!

As has been suggested, if Mom is currently in hospital, grab the social worker (call her right now) and get Mom seen by a neurologist. If the dx is dementia, she definitely should not be released back to her independent living as it is dangerous for her to be unsupervised. Dementia only gets worse.

DO NOT (yes, being rude and shouting) allow her into your home for 1 minute!! Tell the social worker she needs placement; do not sign discharge papers. The easiest thing is to have the hospital agree that she needs, at the very least, short term rehab. This will buy you some time to find a more long term living solution for her - AL (Assisted Living)/ MC (memory care) with a long term unit should she need that going forward. Hopefully you already have the VIP (very important paperwork) - DPoA, Medical Proxy and updated Will - in place so that you can sign paperwork for her without jeopardizing your own income ( this might be a good time to have a short conversation with a certified eldercare attorney - try this site to locate an attorney near you https://nelf.org - some of them will give you a 15 min consultation for free -- in fact, don't sign any paperwork for Mom unless you have DPoA before you talk to an attorney!). At the same time, look at Mom's finances. Is she getting social security, pensions, etc?. Is she on Medicare and if, so what type traditional (red, white and blue card) or Medicare Advantage (the social worker at the hospital will need this primary insurance pronto). If traditional, does she have a supplemental insurance? In either instance, these are health insurances and will not pay for AL, MCs or LTC (long term care). If she does not have funds to pay for custodial care in and AL, MC or LTC she (you) will most likely need to apply for Medicaid. In many states, Assisted Livings (AL) and MCs have very limited beds for Medicaid so you may need to get on lists. Try to find an AL/MC that will guarantee you a Medicaid bed when her private funds have ended. They are hard to find but they do exist. Get that guarantee in writing and have it renewed every time her contract with the facility renews. It will provide you some limited protectection in case the facility is ever sold. Yes, there are bad facilities but there are some very good ones also. When you see Mom you want to be a loving caring son and daugther in law, not overworked, stressed out caregivers. And you are still giving care because you will always be her advocate at the facility.

This is a long, tiring and oft times confusing journey but you are definitely not alone and you will definitely come through it. Please feel free to PM me if you need some addition info on the insurance process. 10 years of LTC Admissions history here.
Peace to your and your family on this journey.

Don't be too hard on yourself. As people age, they often undergo some personality changes. In my grandfather's case the changes were extreme and sudden, with many other family members the changes were smaller and more gradual. In my case (I am now 71), I can see that I am actually becoming less tense, more easy-going. (I should probably check with my sons on the veracity of that statement!) In any case, your feelings are your feelings. You do not need to worry over them. Sometimes you politely conceal them from family members out of politeness, but deal with the issues honestly. You are right in making your wife and yourself your first priority. Your mother is her own responsibility. Do what you feel you can do and feel good about that. We all experience shock when the people we have known all our lives begin to change into that later incarnation of themselves. Please treat yourself, your wife, and your mother with as much gentle acceptance as you can while acknowledging your honest feelings to yourself. Act on the facts, however. Your Mom will continue to need more care and you are not the one to provide anything more than a supervisory role. Her personality is not one that will allow you to be anything more. That is on her, not you.

I know exactly where you are. I've been there many times over the past decade with my mom. We used to be friends, she used to be cool. What happened? She's not that old, not even 80 yet. She's bitter, nasty, and I have come to conclude she really doesn't care about my well being anymore. She's not really a "mom", she's just this person I am stuck with because I am her only child, so here we are.

Right now she's in assisted living. She went there over a year ago in a wheelchair. I was told she would never walk again, and she needed help bathing, dressing, everything. The physical therapists are wonderful but I would like to give each one of them a smack across the face. They have gotten her walking again with a cane. Now mom is plotting to get her own apartment & move out to independent living. We've tried this like 3 times now. It's not gonna work and my life with end up in a tailspin like it always does.

Frankly, I am hoping for a fall, or something, to set her back and slow this roll. Over the years when she would be discharged (to me) from the hospital, I would sometimes cry when I had to pick her up. After a while I started finding a way to be "busy" and let them arrange a cab for her. Yes, I finally just refused to pick her up and play into the drama (she chooses very self-destructive behaviors and then expects the world to grind to a halt for her).

I think your feelings are normal. I'm glad we have this place to vent. I've been on this forum for about 8 years and it helps me keep my sanity.

How on earth do you even question this? Your feelings of disgust, dismay, and anger and frustration are completely normal. Who would NOT get angry and upset. Your mother has serious problems - she is broken - she is NOT and never will be again who she once was. It is perfectly acceptable to not stand the way she is now. Don't fret. But at the same time realize that YOU cannot fix her, nothing will help, and to subject anyone to her abuse, regardless of why, is insane. You must remove her at once and place her where she is cared for and you and your wife can live your lives. It is time.

It may be time to look into assisted living for your mother. It sounds like it is too much for you to be working and also caring for her and your own family. Her health may continue to decline to where she needs more and more help over time. Don't feel guilty about wanting to place her in assisted living. Sometimes people actually prefer it. Find a good safe facility that offers activities, has a nice arrangement for meals, having an aide take her to doctor appointments (you may have to pay extra for that if you can't do it), cleaning her room, etc. Make sure all of her paperwork is in order while she's able to make legal decisions. She'll need to set up Powers of Attorney if she becomes unable to make her own decisions. She needs POAs for healthcare decisions and financial decisions, a living will with her advance directives about end of life care, a will if she has assets, and most financial institutions also have their own POA forms. You also need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do that with a phone call with her sitting next to you. You need all of these things in place to be able to take over her affairs if her health declines to the point where she can't do it herself. Your responsibility is to make sure that she is in a safe place and getting the care she needs. You don't have to do it all yourself. Good luck!