My Dad has always been a huge problem of ours. My Mom told me that he retired in his early 40’s, few years after she moved in with him. He retired without any savings and was entirely dependent to my Mom. I grew up seeing his alcohol addiction, constant complaining, laziness and abusive treatment towards my Mom. However, he had ways of making other people believe that he was the one who was being treated unfairly.
I am now married and had been living separately for years when he was suddenly get evicted from his previous address (they almost called a police on him; he was living there for free because he used to be friends with the owner while my Mom, now his ex-wife, support him with some of his personal expenses). With nowhere else to go and no savings to afford renting, I had no choice but to take him in. However, weeks later after he moved in, I decided to installed surveillance cameras due to my Dad’s complicated attitude (He had told his brother that he wasn’t being fed, being pressured, and was not able to get out of the house). We also had a verbal and physical altercation (he tried to choke me which made me slap him out of shock).
Because of that, I have tried to seek advice/help in an attempt to find and move him properly in a senior living. However, I was placed on a tough situation when the NGO representative I spoke to twisted my words and made her own version of the story and reported me to APS—fortunately for me, I was able to cleared myself out of trouble.
Right now, my husband and I were both struggling financially and soon will not be able to afford our 2 bedroom townhouse. I spoke to my Dad that my husband and I are planning to move into a cheap studio typed apartment but will not be able to take him with us. I advised him that its better if he would return close to where his relatives are (to our native country) and my Mom agreed to support him on a monthly basis.
I came up with that idea because I know that he will be living a far more convenient and sufficient life if he chose to go back . Unfortunately, he refused the idea and was stern that he should be staying with me because he strongly believes that he is my obligation/responsibility. I explained to him that I could no longer share a roof with him because of financial and privacy reasons. He ignored it and he got mad at me and threatened me that he will tell all his relatives and a social worker that I am trying to escape my obligation.
What am I supposed to do? His old, has no savings, no US based relatives who is willing to take him in and me, as his last resort now has a financial and living situation issue. He has limited resources such as MediCal, food stamp but was denied twice for SSI benefits. I applied him a low income senior apartment but he was put on a wait list and the entire application processed may take up to one year—a period of time that I don’t have because our lease contract is about to expired.
Am I really responsible for him? He insinuated that I should put him first regardless of my financial and living status. In the past, he told my Mom that I am not allowed to marry, not before I gave him a better life, perhaps this is the reason why he wants to stay with me.
Was my idea unnacceptable, irresponsible and disrespectful? Is there any other way to solve this?
Why people feel obligated to people who have been abusive their entire lives just because they had an active sperm count is beyond me. I understand it may be more a cultural norm for you.
Please allow your HUSBAND to be the "active bad guy" in this if you feel unable to confront this most unpleasant man.
I am so sorry, and I wish you the best.
Just move.
Make arrangements to move to the new place, hopefully far away, with your husband. Do it while your dad is not around. Leave no forwarding address and change your phone number. He'll have no other choice but to find someone else to leech off of or to move back to his home country to leech off of someone there.
When I was 20, I was living with an abusive man. I'd had enough of being slapped around and emotionally abused as well, so........one night, after he'd gotten drunk (as usual), I packed a few things, took the cash out of his wallet, and left with my dog and my cat. I took the gas key to the car (in those days, people were stealing gas out of car tanks so the caps had to be locked) and left my car right where it was, on the street). I wrote him a letter and left it on the kitchen table; saying basically, this is all YOUR fault buster, not MINE. I did nothing wrong *as YOU haven't* and my exit is a result of YOUR horrible behavior, goodbye and good luck. I never looked back. I moved to another state and started a new life. I owed that man nothing and you owe your father nothing. You've given all you had to give and there's nothing left.
Wishing you the best of luck making YOUR exit from HIS life. Make a plan and stick to it. You are worth it!
I can't see him getting much sympathy from a US social worker with a hard-pressed public sector budget to consider. Besides, hasn't he already tried that ploy?
If you don't mind my asking, what is the "native" country? The only reason I ask is that I'm wondering if you yourself have been able to leave the more oppressive aspects of its culture behind you. The ones that tell you it might be unacceptable, irresponsible and disrespectful to stand up for yourself - and to expect minimum standards of decency from a father.
Sadly, I tried separating myself from my Dad, but when I did, I learned something the hard way. Here in the US, elderlies words are more powerful than their carers/family (I knew a story of a son who was jailed for 2-years because of his elderly mom’s lies, they did not thoroughly investigate his case). In my Dad’s case, he was not diagnosed with Dementia so whatever he will say will be believable. He fake cries and is capable of putting an act of pure innocence and helplessness and in many occasions have won the sympathy of other people. If you know Joseph DeAngelo, during his trial (while his in a wheelchair) vs the video recording taken inside his cell that’s pretty much sums up how my Dad is. The only difference is his capable of hiding his true skin and keep his actions on check because he knows there are cameras in the house.
I have also tried talking to several social workers but all I heard is, “I don’t know how to help you” or “I don’t think your problem has something to do with our purpose”. I’ve also lost count how many times I have heard in other people’s mouth that there is nothing I can do about it because he is not gonna change. Just be PATIENT and UNDERSTANDING because his old. I get blamed for his actions while he was pitied because of his old age.
I want to be free but as long as there are some agencies or organizations who protect the welfare of elderlies, I have to make sure that if I am to get him out of my life that I will also take the right steps so not to repeat my encounter with an APS social worker. I can’t afford to have another case in my name just like when I took my Dad to a relatives’ house or according to them “abandon” him “somewhere” because these so-called social workers diagnosed him with “dementia”.
I wasn’t being oppressed by a cultural belief of my country but I have to learned that their is a law that protects elderly people here in the US. I remember being reminded by one of the social workers I spoke to about my own culture on how to treat elderly parents with respect.
Thank you for your response. TBH, what you said was actually inspiring and give me the emotional strength I need. I was so down and feel trapped for awhile but with your words I think I may be able to handle my problem head on.
How old is Dad. Did he work in the US for at least 10 yrs (40qtrs). When u collect Social Security, they only go back 35 years of work history. You can start collecting at 62. If they go back 35 years thats at age 27. Dad retired in his 40s so lets say out of 35 he worked 20. What he will get is based on that 20 yrs. If Dad is 62 or older, he is entitled to SS. Just may not get a lot. I would wonder why he was turned down. He is entitled to Medicare at 65 if he paid into it.
So, your delemia is you can no longer support him and will have no room for him. I would talk to someone at Legal Aid and see what can be done. Talk to Social Services and see what Dad qualifies for.
My Dad is 81 but does not have dementia. Doctor proven.
He did not work here in the US. Not ever. He retired in our country.
I will try to talk to legal aid. Seems safer than what I did before. I am now afraid to just let him be own his own because of what I experienced with APS and that NGO lady. She prediagnosed my Dad with Dementia and convinced the APS social worker that my Dad have it. She also reported me for abandonment of an elderly even though I told her my Dad just want to have a quick vacation with a relative. Because of that, I think its better if I seek help at Legal Aid so to sort things out in a proper manner. If you have more information, please let me know.
Thanks a lot.
Are there any embassies for your birth country here in the US who could help him?
I don't think your desire to be away from him is unacceptable, irresponsible or disrespectful. He hasn't shown himself to be worthy of respectable treatment. His attitude sounds very "old country" to me.
And someone who tried to choke you is a physical danger. Did you call the police when he tried that?
If he accuses you of refusing to live up to your "obligation", advise him that HE hasn't lived up to his: to treat you with respect. Throw his accusations right back at him. And be sure to raise the issue of his assault.
You are allowed to care about him as your father, as a human being but still despise his actions.
Under no circumstances should you tolerate abuse, either physically or emotionally.
Go ahead and move. You don’t owe him anything. I don’t know why your mom would agree to pay his way in life, maybe because she is interested in helping you out.
Wow...sometimes it really does depend on the social worker to determine what direction an investigation will take. Sorry you have gone through this nightmare.
He can wait for a low income apartment or go into a care facility but he shouldn’t be living in your home. You are young. You can get back on track without your dad hovering over you and interfering in your life.
Best wishes to you and your family.