He will not move out of the house and won't do anything to help himself. The carpets in the house haven't been cleaned for over 15 years. I can't go into the house cause I have had 2 panic attacks going in there. I don't know what to do and I'm just waiting to come there and find him in a pile of papers.
This horrible situation went on and on and ON for years. The daughter called APS to report the situation in hopes APS would say the elder was in danger. Nope. APS said the mother was of sound mind and therefore, allowed to live as she CHOSE to live, in a filthy hoard where the EMS techs couldn't even make their way thru to her when she fell on the floor. The mother finally agreed, however, to allow a path to be carved out from the front door to her chair in the living room, where she slept, so the EMS people could reach her. That was it.
She fell one day and wasn't found for 48 hours or thereabouts, and died about a week later in the hospital under hospice care. She died on HER terms though, the way SHE wanted to, without interference from anyone. Her daughter still hasn't recovered from the whole mess, though, which is what's most heartbreaking about the entire story, IMO. That we children of these types of elders wind up ruining OUR lives over THEIR choices.
Moral of the story? Leave dad alone and move on with YOUR life. If dad winds up passing away and is found in a pile of papers inside his hoarded home, he lived life on HIS terms and that's what really counts. Don't give yourself anymore panic attacks trying to fix what he or anyone else doesn't consider 'broken' in the first place.
As long as the utilities are on, food in the house and he has enough ability to speak with them, they won't do anything.
Only a judge can declare someone incompetent and take away their autonomy. Most of us have to wait for the hospitalization, rehabilitation and doctors saying they can't live alone anymore, before any change happens. When this happens you have to refuse to be his solution, can't help him, period, end of discussion.
I know how much this situation sucks. Just try to do what you can and let the rest go.
It is a fall risk and perhaps more / other serious potential situations.
He needs an intervention. Take care of your own health and do not go in there.
However, I believe, as his daughter, it is your responsibility to call authorities to insure something changes.
My nephew has a neurological problem. He has no problem living alone with a little overseeing. I have not been in his apt since I helped him get it all set up. For almost the same reason u don't enter Dads home, I get a tightning in my chest. I just rather not know what is in there. Because of COVID he orders on-line. When he comes out the sliding doors to get what I am bringing him, u can see the boxes all over. He said his snacks are in them. I told him to put his snacks in one box and get rid of the rest. The complex dumpster is maybe 30 ft from his door.
I guess the main question is: what do you want the outcome to be? You will not be able to get him removed and resettled in a care facility without being his legal guardian or PoA (if he is diagnosed as incapacitated). Cleaning up his home to allow him to "age in place" would be exhausting and pointless. Short of pursuing guardianship through the courts, you will need to contact APS to request a wellness check on him and report him as a vulnerable adult. This will put him on their radar. If his hoarding is spilling out into his yard, talk to the neighbors and encourage them to complain to the city about this.
This is distressing and I'm sorry you are experiencing this with your father. You definitely have lots of company in this situation with others on this forum. You can only do what he will allow. For some problems there are just no good solutions. But if APS -- and eventually the county -- gets guardianship for him, they will do what you are not able to: protect him, care for him and manage his medical and financial affairs.
When the nurse came, she gently pointed out to him that if he fell and the EMTs came to pick him up he might end up in the hospital and might not be allowed back home until there were safe passageways through different places in his house. She showed him where they had to be. I, then, asked his permission to make those passageways. It took time, but he did allow us to move things around to create them. The friends who helped me also helped me sneak things out of the house that were clearly trash little by little.
He did fall again so we told him it was time to put some things in storage to make even more headway in giving him the right pathways for his safety. He cooperated but wanted control over which things went in storage. At times, I wanted to scream from frustration. Who needs the stress? But, I prayed a lot and got moral support from others and gradually, figured out ways to convince him to let us help him.
It was a lengthy and frustrating process but over the period of a year, we were able to get rid of a lot of things he would never use again and that we knew no one would want should he die (boxes, old, worn-out clothes, broken items that couldn't be repaired, plastic storage boxes and carts, etc.)
As his dementia progressed and his memory worsened, we were able to sell or give away more things until he had a home he could (at least we were) proud of.
It takes patience, understanding and some clever thinking to work with this problem. I used to watch the series, "Hoarders" in hopes of getting ideas and coming to an understanding of the problem. I got a few.
The only other option is to take over and get the PA to put him into a home. That is the harsh way to go and you may not want to do that. Patience and love are the key and you'll grow in those as you work with the family in getting this done. But it will also take a lot of your time and you will need to be determined and ask for lots of support!
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