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My father goes on a walk with us but I’ve noticed he tends to trip every now and then and his balance is off even though he hasn’t actually fallen. I feel It’s safer if he uses a cane. He’s adamant he will never be seen with a cane or walker. My sister who lives out of state says let him do what he wants and walk with you and just be happy. He’s not ready mentally for a cane she says. I guess I’m the practical sibling and she’s all about dad being happy, so we tend to butt heads on his care. So I said I’m responsible for his care since he lives with me. I need to make sure he’s safe. She says leave him alone. So now I feel I not only have to convince him to use a cane I also have to convince my sister if he wants to walk with us he has to be safe. Anyone else have a problem similar to this? It’s very stressful

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Went through this with my dad who is 89 and has arthritis in his hips and back. I told him to try it for a week and if he didn't think it would help, he didn't have to use it again. Guess what? He decided it was helpful. Went through the same thing when it was really time for him to have a rollator/walker. He used two canes for awhile but when my mother had a heart problem that made her lightheaded and needed to use a rollator for a few months, he used it a few times and decided it wasn't such a bad thing. So bought him a bright red rollator (all it his little red corvette" and he doesn't go anywhere without it.
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Mother loved her cane. It made her look a little bit old, but kind of sporty-old.

She demanded and received hip replacement surgery, even tho the surgeon TOLD HER she would not be able to manage with only a cane for support.

he was right. She tried and tried, but she'd swivel with only the cane and a lot of falls made her more attached to the walker. She wants another hip replacement, but she's 90 now and he said 'absolutely not, you will be in a wheelchair' which she actually wouldn't mind!

So her days are spent 'chasing' her walker. She's never acclimated to it and will sometimes try to walk around her apt with just hanging onto the walls. More than once she's grabbed at ME and we both go down.

I like to hike and I don't go w/o my walking sticks. A fall in the mountains and I'd be toast. Nobody gives me 'looks'--I think your dad is like my mom-they think the world is looking at them!

I saw a gentleman take a terrible fall at WalMart yesterday. He'd 'lost' his wife--I guess he'd been pushing the cart and wandered off. I saw him from a distance and knew just what was happening--poor guy! He just collapsed, didn't trip or anything, just went down. A lot of people went to help him, he was banged up but seemed OK. He was then with his wife, and hanging on that cart like grim death.
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ask your sister that IF he falls is SHE going to come and take care of him?  My father didn't like the idea either, but after a couple falls (nothing serious), I got him a cane and said he needed to use it because the next time he falls it might be worse and end up in hospital.  Men have more pride (especially if they are older) and don't want people to look at them as a cripple.  I also explained that everyone needs help in some way or another,  some people have to wear glasses to help them see, some need a cane to give a little extra support in walking.  Your sister doesn't have to worry apparently cause she knows that if anything happens, it will fall on your shoulders.  Get him a cane and ask him to use it.  Tell him there are other people (even young people) that need to use a cane as an extra support system.  tell him you care about him that you don't want him to fall.
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A cane is OK for home, but it just pivots if you start to fall. It's not helpful outside, and a walker is a better choice.

If he's that bad, then he'll either need PT to help him with his balance, or sad to say, he'll likely have to fall to figure it out.
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Martz, I sure did have this issue. I'm sure we'll all have had differing and unique experiences with this. Here's my experience:

Like your dad, this situation is all about vanity and ego. I find that so very sad : ( After mom had 3 falls w/broken bones needing surgery in 2 yrs., I began to be a very squeaky wheel about the cane. Finally moved on from that by buying an expensive, hand-made, 'elegant' cane. Used her grocery cart for a walker (so no one would notice she was 90). Doc, ortho, and Occupational Therapist eventually said cane wasn't good enough, she needed a walker (as primary CG, I already was well aware of that). This was a MAJOR, negative change. My mom stopped leaving the house, going to her bridge games, and going to grocery store with me accompanying (from then on, I was the sole grocery shopper). It took MONTHS for my mom to 'remember' to use it, even in the house (where all the falls had occurred)--I frequently had to ask 'where's your walker'? She was used to walls (when she could), but also going from furniture to furniture. Problem with that was, she didn't understand that couch and other very heavy furniture was fine, but dining room chairs, etc. weren't o.k. (too light, she'd take them down with her). She does finally use walker in the house, to haircuts, dentist, dr., podiatrist.

Very sad that our loved ones' health and safety can be a distant second to appearances. At 65 and healthy, I've learned SO much from my mom, mainly how NOT to be when I'm there, so I've got a lot of time to physically and emotionally prepare. During the course of my mom's transition, we stopped getting along and became adversaries. The worst--I started actively disliking my mom as selfish for not taking her 7/24, 64 y/o daughter caretaker, who was the active participant in ambulance runs, 911 calls at all hours, decision-maker with ortho surgeons, and post-surgery nurse into consideration.

Stay here and stay strong !!
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Imho, the sibling who is NOT the caregiver does not get a say on hands on - whether your LO needs a cane. That's rich for her to say that he doesn't need a cane when she is out of state! How ridiculous. YOU are the one who dictates when he needs a cane. Better to be safe, than to fall and break a bone.
And may I say the grabbing onto the carer's arm for support by the elder leads to a big disaster - since both could then fall to the ground.
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D
Davenport May 2020
Ditto that, Llamalover : )
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Look at a three wheel rollator. Sporty, light. My mom was resistant to canes and walkers, but she took to the rollator.
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When my mom would walk without an assistive device, she would sometimes lose balance some and grab my arm. The jerking motion would knock me off balance and I had to try to keep us both from falling. So I held fast that she needed to use a walker when we went out, because she was putting us both at risk. Your sister is free to walk with your dad without a cane, when she visits. But neither gets to expect you to risk injury.
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I just this week read a statistic that said once a senior starts falling they will have a catastrophic fall within 2 years (meaning, no more mobility or death from hitting their head). If he's resistant, nagging him won't change his mind. Climbing stairs strengthens the leg muscles required to not shuffle. Can you come up with a reason to get him to go up and down stairs with you? Also, he might be having balance issues that are not related to leg strength and this should be checked (like inner ear problems from infections, vertigo, etc). In the end, all you can do is give him facts (like shuffling - not picking his feet up enough when he walks - is a huge reason the elderly fall ). My mom is 91 and we always talk about her doing things to keep her mobility. Once that is gone, much about his life is lost and your task as caregiver changes significantly. I'm hoping you can also have this discussion with your sister so she understands what is at stake.
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I bought my Dad a cool, carved wood cane. He laps up the attention and compliments!
My Mom was too vain to use her walker. She fell and fractured her neck TWICE! We were nervous wrecks constantly shoving the walker in front of her. Then dementia set in and it was even worse. It was a constant 2 year struggle. Mom passed away 2 months ago.....sigh....if only she used her walker.....
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So, when your father falls, as he is going to, your out-of-state sister won't have to worry about hospitals, surgeries, rehabs, and everything that comes after the storm, so to speak. So why should she urge your dad to use a cane, as he should be doing, since it's not going to affect HER life whether he does or he doesn't? It's a whole lot easier for her to remain The Good Guy and leave it up to you to be The Bad Guy, 'forcing' your poor father to use a cane!! I know the routine. I've been The Bad Guy since my folks had to move here in 2011!

So, when my father refused to use a cane, we refused to take him anywhere until and unless he GOT a cane! My husband took him over to Walgreen's and dad was able to select a cane that suited him, so we'd be able to continue our outings to restaurants and malls, etc. When faced with that choice, dad suddenly became compliant.

Your father has a choice: He either uses a cane (or a walker when the time comes) or there will be no more walks or outings together. Until you've witnessed your father fall and go through the nightmare that follows, you simply can't understand the severity of it. And neither can he. I am here to tell you that I've been there, done that, and it was ugly.

Wishing you the best of luck.
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First of all, I would have a medical person tell your father he must use a cane or a walker whether he likes it or not. Then you agree with that and tell your father that under no circumstances will you, if he is with you, not be using an aid. If he falls, and he will, tell him he will be placed somewhere and that will be the beginning of the end. He has a choice. Another piece of advice, get a POA and a Health care poa so YOU can have the final say. Do NOT give in to either of them. If he falls, let HER CARE FOR HIM or be prepared to place him.
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Is is he a fall risk? What happens if he breaks a hip or bones? Are the family members who were opposing the use of a Cane going to pay the medical bills and care for him if he breaks anything or is hospitalized? Ask them what they're going to do if he falls.
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Oh, good grief! If you father needed glasses to see, would he really refuse to wear them - and would your sister forbid them? People use various types of assistive devices all of the time - and most people don't have an issue with them.

If the man is safer using a cane, so be it. One trick that sometimes works is to get them a "walking stick," similar to what a hiker might use, rather than a cane. You can get one for yourself at the same time, and when you take a walk together, you can BOTH use your walking sticks. This might work.

The reason people won't use a cane/walker is usually because those items are associated with "old people" - and nobody wants to view themselves as becoming elderly.
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Hello,

You don’t “have to” convince your sister of anything. If you are his caregiver and he is unsteady and a high fall risk you need to address that issue before he gets seriously hurt.

I take care of my mom, she too was against a cane, walker etc. I tried her with a cane and she actually looked worse walking with it, like almost tripping over it.

I started shopping for a walker, I kept showing her pictures of different walkers on my phone, she hated all of them!

Until one day, I showed her a cute ‘pink’ one, with a seat that lifted up with a little compartment, I said to her “look how adorable this one is, it can even hold your purse and sippy cup when we go outside for a nice walk, what do you think?” She said “I like that one“. I bought it and it works outside for her on her walks and gives my arms a much needed break...even added some silk flowers to it!

They have ones with 3 wheels too, and can look sporty, does he like a specific sport? a favorite team?? Decorate it, buy a team decal pouch to wrap on the bars, stickers.

Don’t worry about what other ppl think...do what’s in your gut and what is good for your father.

May God Bless you & your family during these tough times.
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Find a cane that has carvings that display his interests or hobbies. Does he like to fish? Is he a birdwatcher, a gardener. There's a cane for that. Yeah, they can be expensive. But so is a broken hip. My mom fell and broke her hip at the nursing home home three months ago. She died a month later.
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Dollie1974 May 2020
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.
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Some people use hiking poles so they feel more "athletic" than frail. Hiking poles are more practical for actual "walks" than for just around the house. Around the house, encourage your father to walk carefully. Quick turns and changes of direction increase the risk of falls. Add ankle and leg strengthening exercises to his activities to help build the muscles that help keep one from falling even when they stumble a bit.
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As others have said, get his doctor to order a Gait assessment and have the PT go see where he walks, or take a video to show them. Then explain to both you Dad and sister that when/if Dad falls if he is not following the instructions given by the PT he will not come back to your house. He will have to go to a facility or to her house. That you will not be responsible for someone who will not follow medical advice.
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A combination of eyesight changes, balance issues, stiff joints, and weaker muscles all combine to affect walking as we get older. And our reflexes often get slower and less quick to right us if we start to topple. I often casually mention to my patients that a walking stick or two gives you extra clues as to where exactly the ground is! And proper walking sticks one each hand are hugely popular to fitness and speed. Look up Nordic walking. Might be a way of getting in there while he is saving face. You might benefit from them too! I have used them myself for years on any walking that is somewhat rugged or steep.
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You could try finding a gentleman’s walking stick. I found one with a fancy silver colored head for my father, he thought it was so pretty he would use it.
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My dad was also very resistant to help. But reality does take over. You can’t force your dad to do anything, but age and loss of balance will catch up and he’ll eventually see the reality of it. My dad went through a slow progression from a cane, to a four pronged cane, to a walker, and now a rollator that he depends on for every step. A few years ago, as a very independent man, he couldn’t have imagined this at all. I’d encourage you to let time be on your side, don’t argue over it, and the reality of it will come
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My dad was the same - swayed and obviously had balance issues, but didn’t want a cane. I bought him one anyway - just $20 at CVS - adjusted the length to fit him and asked him to see how it was. He walked a little around his apt with it and realized how nice it was to have that little extra assistance with balance. About 2 years later, same situation with a rolling walker - he relies on that now, can hardly manage without it - also keeps the cane around the apt just for short distances inside.
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You could tell him if he falls and breaks a hip he'll end up in a wheel chair. There are different issues that can cause a fall but falls are bad and very common as we get older. Shoes are important. Non skid bottoms, etc. Balance can be affected by medications. Eyesight can make it difficult to see where you are walking. I use cane inside and a walker when I go out. Mostly because my knees are bad and I can sit down and take a rest if I need to. Also there is as place to put stuff which is easier than carrying bags while walking with cane. Yes, we may be mistaken for an old person. For me, I can go farther with less pain.
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When you are walking with dad IF he should happen to start to fall DO NOT try to stop the fall. You can try to guide his fall by trying to guide him down. But falls happen so fast that the instinct is to try to "catch" them.
He should be wearing a Gait Belt. With a gait belt you can more easily stabilize his walk. And a gait belt might make it more likely that you could guide him down.
There are videos on how to do this.
Bottom line...if he refuses to use a cane or walker you can only wait until he falls and breaks a hip, leg, arm or whatever.
You might want to have a Family Discussion now about the "What do we do when it is time for dad to be discharged from rehab?" Does he come home or do we find a facility for him? This discussion might put a bit of reality into your siblings head.
To further make your point..If dad will be coming home are you prepared and is your house prepared for someone using a wheelchair or walker? Is his bedroom on a second floor? if so start thinking about moving him to a room on the first floor. Is the bathroom large enough, is there a roll in or at least a walk in shower? If not might want to start renovations now. By the way dad pays for renovations that will fit his needs in the future. (by the way if he is a Veteran good chance you might get some or all renovations paid for through a VA program)
By the way bring dad in on these conversations, let him know how serious this can be.
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MOBILITY is a precious gift. Preserve it. One fall can be the "gamer changer" and he will never walk again or get a brain bleed and die. In short, DNR and hospice for end-of-life care. Convince your family THEY are the ones who will be doing all the caregiving since they insist on refusing to use safety devices. Actually he would be better off with a walker with a history of falls. Balance and coordination become slower as we age.
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My DH aunt has been using a cane for several years. A couple of years ago I asked a therapist about her using a walker instead. Therapist said she did great with the cane and he wouldn’t change. Now she is showing signs of really needing the walker. She is furniture surfing when alone or wanting to lean on her aide which I discourage.
When I have her use the walker, she appears much more confident but she may have passed the time to use it on her own. I would like to have therapy come give us pointers. I suspect I’ll have to remove the cane in order to get her to use the walker as a first choice until she gets used to it. She’s 93 and has dementia so it might take awhile.
If your dad is still pretty with it explain to him that learning the proper way to use a cane or walker now will help him avoid falls in the future. Of course he needs to avoid rough or uneven terrain. Check his shoes and feet (nails) as well. A therapist pointed out that aunt had the wrong shoes for safety.

Your sister might be more supportive if you get your dad the proper evaluation. She’s perhaps in a bit of denial. We don’t all arrive at the same time. Maybe he should go home with her for a few weeks and you can be the backseat driver.
I would also get him a bone density test if he’s never had one.
I had a GF who didn’t want to be seen with a cane or walker. When she needed a hip replacement and couldn’t walk, she used a crutch. Lol
Her vanity could accept that.
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I suggest he use a cane. God Forbid he falls, gets hurt and ends of in the hospital. Ask him out he would feel if he were to fall and get injured. My father had a cane too...he used it, he didn't like it, and sometimes he lifted it off the ground instead of putting it down to help him walk. Did he fall, yes numerous times...then he didn't mind at all using it...be the sensible one...she says to "leave him alone" how would she feel if fell on his head, or broke his arm or hip? then i guarantee it will be all "Your fault"....you are in control...
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I had my 95yr old dad evaluated and he got PT that came to him. His mind was very good, just stubborn and wouldn't use his walker .He said walkers were for attention. THEN he tripped outside and had to go to hospital where they gave him walker, but after 7 weeks there, he went to the bathroom not taking it, and fell into the shower.... he was age 98 still thinking he could be without it. Get evaluation, then PT and also training how to properly use a walker. ..I saw on TV the UPWALKER that allows them not to slump. 5 yrs since my dads passing, but wish i had seen this.
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Get his doctor to order a gait assessment by a PT. We did that with my dad. They will also give him leg exercises
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After my husband's surgery, he used a hiking pole. Perhaps your dad would be more comfortable with that.
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EllensOnly May 2020
I was going to suggest that too. They have ones with a compass on them.  Maybe suggest he carry it in case a stray comes along and then he can protect both of you.  Another suggestion would be to ask to hold his arm while you stroll along.
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