After surgery he stayed in a rehab hospital for 2 weeks. He had PT & OT every day while there. He is scheduled to begin outpatient PT this Thursday. He came home this past Sunday and has not the least interested in doing his prescribed home therapy, walking with his walker, and is in a terrible mood. My Mom and I have been telling him he needs to move and do what he was told to do. He brushes us off and is nasty to us also. All he cares to do is stay in bed. He is very aware of what his therapists and doctors have told him to do. He is 80 and has never had any health issues and has never taken any medication until now.
What in the world do we/ can we do?
It's in his interests that you're nagging him; the professionals might be able to suggest *how* best to nag him; and after that - it is up to him. If pushing him is getting nobody anywhere, you and your mother can still only do your best.
Is his pain relief okay now that he's home again, by the way?
Is he eating? Being served in bed? Taking his meds?
Running a temp? Is he afraid it will happen again if he moves too much?
Perhaps there is something wrong. Good idea to check with his medical team.
Is your mom ready to be a full time caretaker to a patient who won’t do his part?
Its one thing if he can’t, another if he won’t.
I would make sure he is otherwise okay and then have a serious talk with him.
If he is depressed it’s time to treat it.
You and mom need to not enable him into becoming an invalid.
When I was about 30 I had knee surgery. A few weeks later on a follow up visit my dr saw how I was walking. I’ve never forgotten what he said. “You can bend that knee or I will.”
To therapy I went and I was dancing in high heels soon after.
Therapy works but it is work.
He’s lucky to have you.
I would try to give the therapist coming out tomorrow a heads up before they get there.
To go from having no health issues to breaking a femur at 80 must be a shocking blow to him. Nonetheless, neither you nor your mother will be doing him any favors by enabling him to stay in bed.
Do not serve him food in bed. Do not give him a bed bath. Do not offer him a bedpan or urinal. You must treat him as a grown man otherwise he will slide into dependency faster than he broke that femur.
Now also is a good time to look into getting some in-home help for your mother. A weekly housekeeper and someone to help her grocery shop, prepare meals, do laundry, etc. Can they afford that?
Yes, he does get up to eat at the table at mealtimes. At night, he'll wake up my Mom for help to the bathroom. When he is up one of us always watches him when he walks with his walker. He's been prescribed Tylenol #3 for pain. When he says he's hurting...which he says is constantly since Sunday night...we give him his pills. An hour or so later, he says he's still hurting. While at the rehab hospital, he didn't take much pain medicine toward the end of his visit. Mom and I just cannot understand what's going on. Mom is fully aware and ready to be his caregiver. They've been married for 49 years and have always had a great relationship and mutual understanding.
He went for a follow-up visit with his surgeon yesterday. Hi x-rays were perfect. He told the doctor he was feeling great. He liked the way he was walking on his walker. He told my Dad to keep walking and doing his at home exercises. Dad agreed to his face yet shuts down once he's home.
On a side note, he was given on of those breathing things you blow into for your lungs. While at rehab, he was having oxygen issues being low. All of the doctors there told him to use it 10 times every hour. He never did. We told on him while he was there in his presence. He was certainly not happy with us once the physicians leaved the room. Toward the end of his visit he began to behave. O2 is fine now. They told him to use it at home 3 times a day. He picks it up once and inhales with it 70 times at once and considers that's enough! We continue to ask him to use it and gets irritated with us. One of his therapists at the rehab hospital is out now on surgery and the other is on vacation. He didn't have a relationship other therapists at the facility.
Outpatient physical therapy starts tomorrow and I don't think it will be pretty. Iv'e been through that same facility in the past; and it wasn't easy for me.
Mom and I are at our wits end. We cannot make or suggest he do anything for his well being other than eat!
Even if he only sits in his chair he will be better off than being in bed.
Or is he having trouble standing up and down? That will emerge tomorrow with the Pt evaluation.
I was going to suggest that he take his pain meds before the pain gets bad but it is strange he didn’t need it as much in rehab. as he does now.
Maybe pay attention to the length of time in bed. Write it down when he gets up for the day, how long he stays up etc. You can track it to see if he gets better day by day. If he’s stalled you’ll be able to tell the doctor how much time he is in bed.
Is he getting dressed each day?
Dont let him get away with being crabby to you and mom since he isn’t doing what he is supposed to and pronouncing himself great to the doctor. It should be just the opposite. Complain to the doctor who gets paid to make him better.
We are all willing in the beginning to be our loved ones caretaker. But it wears thin when they want to act ugly and don’t do what would make them better.
Fingers crossed that therapist will uncover the problem.
Oh boy--the stuff hit the fan. DH is describing himself as being this model patient and then the doc looks at me and asked if this was true and I said "He doesn't do a single thing you've told him to do. In fact, if he will not be compliant starting RIGHT NOW, I am asking you to place him in a rehab facility. I CANNOT care for him at home." Yeah, it got nasty.
BUT--he started getting up. He went on low dose of Zoloft, which made a HUGE difference and he did "better" but never would exercise, and never will.
I had to be "b*tchy tough" which just makes me sick inside.
I even went so far as to say we could get a new dog (our sweetie had died 3 years prior and we hadn't gotten new one as I am sick of caring for dogs) if he would do everything Dr. requested. He wouldn't, kind of picked and chose and so I refused to even entertain the thought of a dog.
Sadly, as much as we want to be sweet, loving and caring with a sick LO, MANY people get sick or hurt and they simply will not comply with the "healing plan".
I DID put my foot down about meals. I would make all 3 meals and leave them in the kitchen. He HAD to get out of bed to eat, and when he did, I'd strip the sheets every other day and take my sweet time washing & remaking the bed. At least then he had to be awake & up for a while.
I am so not looking forward to his aging. He's only 67 and acts 100 somedays. They are going to take him off the Zoloft in a hew months and I know he is going to tank again---I may have to intervene.
Sadly, just being really, really tough and not particularly "loving" with him worked better than the "loving" wife.
If your dad doesn't start working on this, his muscles will atrophy and this will be the beginning of more falls, more broken bones--it's up to him. As far as the pain meds, Tylenol #3 is pretty mild. I wouldn't worry about addiction--keep him out of pain and he'll probably be less adverse to getting up.
Good Luck--I know this is very, very hard.
So, it’s like a Domino effect. He has to keep the bowels moving in order to take the pain meds in order to exercise in order to regain his mobility, strength and balance.
Also make sure he’s drinking plenty of water.
Many 80 yr old dads aren’t going to mention constipation to their daughters.
Exercise, fiber, water will help us all.
Very good point to raise, though.
By the way, my parents have a shih tzu and my dad loves the dog to death. We actually got permission to take him to his rehab hospital room once. It was a real highlight for both of them. Dad missed Lucky and Lucky missed him terribly.
About the constipation...the docs took care of all of that in the hospital when they took him off of schedule 1 pain meds. He's good, per my Mom.
You all have been an absolute blessing with your tips and listening to my ranting. I appreciate it!
you've not mentioned if either of you have leveled with your dad and asked him WHY he doesn’t want to be active again. Have you? If so what did he say?
you've already said he’s said his pain level is low, my guess is he is depressed at this sudden change in his life and is in essence given up caring. When they lose their mobility, it’s life changing and can be hard to accept. Especially more so for men who want to appear strong. Anesthesia may also play into part of his mood as it takes a long time to get it out of the system and can do things to the elderly brain especially.
Perhaps scheduling him to see his family doctor for a talk about how he's feeling mentally since all this happened may help open the door to an honest conversation. He can be assessed for depression. I would go and tell the "nurse" you want to talk briefly to the doctor before he goes in to see him so you can explain why you brought him there. Then be in the room with them.
I had a similar issue with DH, when the home therapists came he put on a show, but doing exercises on his own was a no go. If I pushed at him I got the angry outbursts. So...what I did was take the family dogs into his room, (lap sized) and had them do goofy funny exercises which made him laugh-oh he hollered at first but I was relentless, then I would get the bands-those rubber band things and play with them and the dogs and have the dog carry the instruction paper in his mouth to him (all the non rubber band ones they wanted him to do) and do some of the exercises myself and next thing I knew he had done them all and we were done for the day. It took comedy to get mine motivated. And he has some severe mental issues and depression on top of dementia.
Give him some time and try not to bug him too much (we bug because we care lol)... once he starts feeling better he'll most likely rebound. And it will improve his mood, too. Here's hoping dad is soon back to normal.
I suggest you invite a male friend or relative over for a visit. He will probably not want to act like a baby when one of his peers is around.
I believe he has improved a bit since he has started outbound physical therapy. All of us, including his therapist, think he's suffering from depression. We are going to bring this up with his physician at his next appointment.