I want to help but it is tough on our friendship. I never get a chance to spend any quality time with my friend and I took care of my own elderly mom who was in a wheel chair and also my very sick older brother for 10 years. I love my friend and her mom but don’t feel it’s a deal breaker if I don’t want to be obligated to watch over my friend’s ailing mom. She won’t hire anyone to help and brings her mom everywhere. My friend is a wonderful person but I don’t think she realizes how this impedes on our friendship. Not sure what to do. Want to be a supportive friend but don’t want to be taken for granted. It’s a difficult situation.
I don't think you want to do this care. Say so.
And quite honestly, if this isn't a deal breaker, what is.
I say this assuming that you and your friend live together. Because if not this is really an easy one. Just don't show up so often. Any excuse will do. And when you are called on it just admit that really you do not wish to continue caretaking for family--not for your own and not for hers.
If this is a deal breaker for a "friendship" then this was never a friend.
If we are talking you are more than friends, rather are partners, then you have an issue which requires counseling and honesty now.
Good luck.
“No.”
or if you have to add a few words “no, I can’t possibly do that.”
you are not her plan A B or C.
This isn’t a difficult situation at all. The answer is no, hell no, absolutely not, you will not burden me with this, I’m old too, 100% no, are you crazy, what makes you think you can rope me into solving your problem etc.
Caregiving is isolating, you only have time for the person you are caring for. Maybe you can help in other ways. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping. Give friend a break.
And there you have it, your friend looks at you and sees a built in caregiver - they have no clue just how incredibly difficult and draining that experience was. I had a friend like this too, fortunately one of my other friends discouraged her from approaching me because I might have said something... not nice. Remember no is a complete sentence, you don't have to offer any explanation. Practice this - No, that doesn't work for me. Repeat repeat repeat.
Eventually, my own husband wanted to join us as it was his only time to share in the activities, which he Can do, despite his disability. After that , my friend would bring Her husband, too, which involved more compromising as He didn't do the same activities, but would do something more passive in the Parks. Her husband would lose interest faster and rush us along, then mishandle our equipment tossing it in the car , feigning his "assistance" over it. In This case, at least my husband would join us sharing the same activities and really enjoyed it.
Anyway-my point is -that even sharing time with someone who is not disabled can have it's drawbacks. We are obviously two couples still trying to work out our Retirement as well as we can without too much disruption , but wanting to enjoy time spent with friends, and over favorite activities.
If the husbands end up too much of a drag on me, I am considering paying more attention to some "Girls Only" activities. Sometimes when I wanted to Get Away for a break, even overnight, somewhere, I'd make it all about going to a Spa Resort , with a daughter . My husband did Not care to join us over That , so off we'd go to what's considered a "Girls Weekend" and have the best time ! Maybe you could suggest that if your friend wants to arrange care for her mom, you'd be willing to spend some time with her somewhere nice that caters to your need for some R&R , which wouldn't hurt your friend to gain a little rest, herself.
(I am the Care person for my own spouse 24/7 , and "Best Friend" in our retirement yrs., and so , I get it about wanting to allow for a nice break from all that . Unfortunately, even over our activities, I end up fairly tired out again, as I'm still Doing for my husband and compromising when including friends. A Care Person needs to tend to their own needs first and foremost and if something isn't working out very well , or not much Fun, after all, and it's too much all about Everyone Else again , it's time to ask yourself, aside from hurting someone else's feelings, what do You Want -to do or not do that is respectful of your own needs that can become neglected, or over-looked?
I would tell your friend you're sorry, but this caregiving gig for her mother is now out of your comfort zone. Looking after someone with violent behavior is not in your wheelhouse. If you lose the friendship over this, so be it. I'd rather not have this friend in my life than be stuck caring for this woman for one more moment! Friendship is a two-way street, btw. If she cannot understand your position on this matter, she truly isn't a friend anyway. I NEVER would've even thought to ask a friend to do caregiving for my mother with dementia. And she did not exhibit violent behavior, either. That's a lot of nerve what she's doing. Quit and don't look back.
Set boundaries on how much time you will spend with her and mom while her mom is in this stage.
Fill up your calendar, start a pt time job, pet sit, anything to break the cycle of being available to mom sit. The best way to break a habit, is to start a new one to edge out the old one.
Here is an example. My daughter moved to a new city a few years ago. She missed her old friends and wanted a friend to do fun things with so she used an app that people use to find friends. She likes to go to estate sales and concerts. So she listed those activities.
Her new best friend in her new city is from Sweden and had done the same thing and they matched up. They now make regular dates to do those activities and find they share other interests. They both have busy husbands who don’t share these interests and neither has children, so it works well for them in this stage of their lives.
Another thing she did was start a book club in a community bookstore and now has 30 regular members. She has volunteered at food banks, etc, is big into cycling, when she had an injury she started swimming. So think about what you like to do and make some new plans.
If you need to be more straight forward, let friend know you are there for a phone call but not so much anything else with her mom at this stage. That you are still healing from your own time with hands on caregiving and you are finding too much time with her mom stressful.
I know it’s hard to do this and I have been blessed to have friends I can discuss caregiving with but I would never, ever be willing to subject anyone but willing family or paid caregjvers to this. Protect your own Emtional health. Let us know how it goes.
If you do live with them, then I can see why she may think you should help, but you are not obligated to. If you pay your portion of the rent, utilities and groceries, your a roommate. Friend or roommate, you need to set boundaries. No sorry, been there done that, not going there again.
It's your friend's choice not to hire homecare, or put her mother in LTC, or adult daycare, or find any other solutions for her mother's care needs. That's on her not you. So don't guilt yourself into saying no. They have choices. Unfortunately the only free choice is getting you to do the caregiving or your friend doing it herself.
Say no.
hugs 🤗
I love southernwaver's response - many ways to say NO!
Perhaps your friend simply does not know where else to turn. You can support her by talking through the options and even help finding appropriate resources.
We, as humans, seek out the path of least resistance. For her, having a friend with prior caregiving experience is an easy answer. Let her know that you can not do this, but you will be a supportive friend and help her through it.
It doesn't sound like a positive friendship if she only wants you as a friend as long as she can use you. If your refusal to be a caregiver for her mother harms the friendship, that's not a friend you want.