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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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The rehab facility he stayed at for a month only required one shower a week, so that is our goal. I put colorful washcloths on the white shower seats to distinquish them from the rest of the white shower. We allocate plenty of time so he can move at his own pace and I wait outside with warm towels. We emphasize the areas where bacteria can collect and the rest doesn't matter. He tells me what he needs and I put the shampoo on his head so he can hold on to the railing while lathering up. He also likes to control the water temp. I require clean Depends every day and a shave. I give him the hand-held mirror and he does it with the electric razor or I do it if he needs help. We joke about it. I tell him his appearance is a reflection on me and I don't want people saying I don't take care of him.
Dear One, Our 92 year old mother was refusing to bathe also and, until she went into the nursing home, only her Visiting Angel's home health worker could get her into the shower. In the nursing home, she is only showered twice a week as well. It works fine. Don't try to force the issue. Get some help from family or home health aide. Good luck.
If he won't shave then offer to trim his beard so that will get 1 items off your plate - he could even just use a trimmer once a week - would he go to a pool for exercise? then have a shower there with others doing the same & the bonus is that you don't need to clean up the shower - it's good for the joint especially if there are jets
Here it is under $40.00 a year for seniors on open swim so can do lengths or warm water exercise - between my husband & I, we generally go 6 to 7 times a week - we also save on our water/sewer bill so maybe sell it to him that way! - my pool has assistive device to get in or out of pool
Check it out yourself - then start going & rave about whatever you think will catch his fancy - then maybe off handedly ask he wants to come but not every time so he doesn't realize it's a campaign
My Dad is 5'9" and only 130 lbs, with very poor circulation, so he doesn't sweat. But he does get messy with bowel movements, so I go around smelling his pants bottoms when he hangs his pants on the chairs and dressers. Once they get smelly, I tell him, "you might want to take a shower before noon mass today". He insists on being taken to noon mass every-single-day, so, as much of a hassle as church is for me, it does inspire him to shower. Perhaps you can find a place to take your husband where he'll care what others think enough to shower beforehand?
My husband is 87 with a hybrid of Alzheimer's and vascular dementia, as well as diabetes. Dementia started 8 years ago. His lack of interest in hygiene and keeping hair and beard cut started at least a couple of years ago, if not longer. I have gradually learned to pick my battles, like other caregivers. His appearance and fragrance can be unattractive. However, they are not the highest priority. Keeping him safe, as well as having a calm and friendly rapore between us are paramount. I put highest priority on life-threatening things, like his diabetes routine. He is also sensitive to being managed. He needs to be addressed calmly and nicely, but firmly. I have learned to let go of the need for perfection. Way too stressful for me and it's unrealistic.
I agree with most here..first off talk to his doctor. If there is no medical reason then his doctor can explain how important good hygiene is to staying healthy. You might also want to consider a stool and maybe bars in the shower just in case it is a fear of falling. Maybe try having a calm talk with him about why he doesn't want to shower. Don't get frustrated just calmly ask. If he get agitated stay calm and just say your concerned about him. If his not bathing is causing a problem with odor you may want to tell him that and explain that people notice when he goes out in public. Sometimes they don't even realize the problem.
I see in your profile that your husband has Alzheimer's. This reluctance to bathe and other hygiene issues seems to be very common.
With my mom, early on, my step dad would lovingly ask her to shower with him. That worked for a bit. As the disease progressed, that was difficult for both of them. We got a shower chair and in the morning, I would simply prep everything and announce, "your shower is ready"...it was a statement and I just acted like she requested it and I got everything ready...water warmed and running, clothes layed out, towel and robe set out, room warmed up. I did the same with brushing teeth, etc. You could try one of these.
At times, mom simply revised and I didn't push. I just used the same strategy the next day... And the next... I figured if she got a shower once a week, it was fine. The doctor told me "no one dies from not showering". (But it might smell like they did, lol)
I didn't have to deal with shaving, thank goodness. Much luck on your journey... Sorry you and hubby have to go down this road.
I'm going to suggest another approach--bathing is important, shaving isn't. My father always had a clean-shaven face, but during his last couple years he effectively quit, and got a shave only when he had a haircut.
I have had a good "19th century" type beard for the past 20 years or so although I had let it grow off and on since graduate school days. I wash it along with my hair when I take a shower, and then comb it out and trim it to keep it even. I've received many compliments on it, and am occasionally approached by members of different ethnic and religious groups (who wonder if I'm actually "one of them") with whom I end up having an interesting and enjoyable conversation. I grew mine because I prefer my appearance with it more than without it. It requires less time and effort than shaving, but still some attention is needed to keep it from looking scraggly.
Of course I can't speculate as to what your husband would look like with a beard or how well his beard would grow, but would allowing him to grow it be an acceptable option? If so, this would largely eliminate one of your "battles".
There probably no logical answers for his behavior. All you can do is ask, and ask again. If he becomes combative call an ambulance and they will take him to the hospital ER. Tell them he's delusional and you need help.
I would not worry about a shower once in a while. I was very surprised when my Husband went to rehab, after breaking his hip, I learned that the State of Illinois requires a shower only 2 times a week.
It might go better if a trained Caregiver were to shower and shave him a few times a week. Sometimes someone else can accomplish what we can't. But... Have you looked into why he does not want to shower? Is he afraid of falling? Is it too confusing? If you think about it there are a lot of steps we do automatically to shower ourselves and he might be forgetting what is next. Is it too noisy? Where does the water hit him? I had a physical therapist tell me that the head and chest are the most "vulnerable" areas and we want to protect them so if the water hits there it may feel like an assault to him (or at least to his mind it feels that way). If that is the case maybe a shower chair and a hand held shower hose might help. Can he adjust the water temperature easily? His sensations may have changed and what once felt warm may feel hot.
As for the shaving that may also be a sensory thing, if he uses and electric razor the vibrations may be unsettling, if he uses a regular razor he may have cut or nicked himself and he recalls the hurt it caused. But then it may also be that there are a lot of steps to shaving and that can be confusing.
Yes, as Val says people who are severely depressed often lose interest in personal hygiene. They just don't have the energy to function properly in their every day care. Go to the doctor with him so that he might get the right treatment to make him feel better about himself.
Learn to pick your battles. Call for HomeHealthCare and get some help. I had to shave my DH and he did start refusing to get into the shower this year - he was having trouble standing but was trying to compensate - I kept him ambulatory until the end and he was almost 97 when he passed. He was only bedridden 3 days and Depends for 2.
Sit your DH down, buy some Adult/Baby Wipes and help him to shave while sitting somewhere - we used the living room. But at DH's age, he couldn't shave without a mirror and it just became easier for him when I started shaving him.
Don't fight over it. Sit and discuss. Ask him how you can help him to help himself. Offer to get a table on wheels - like hospitals use - and you can get his all his supplies. It really isn't difficult and my DH refused electric razors so I had to learn how to use blades.
Donvee, oh I remember when my Dad didn't want to shower, for him it was mainly a fear of falling as falling in a bathtub/shower there is no place that has a soft landing.
Finally one of my Dad's caregiver tried this.... she put her hands on her hips and said to my Dad "Mr. Bob, I raised a houseful of boys and there isn't anything I haven't seen". That got Dad laughing, then he was ready for her to help him with the shower :)
Both of my Dad's regular caregivers were in their 50's. He wouldn't let a younger caregiver help him shower, nor a male caregiver.
As Barb mentioned, if refusing to take a bath or to shave is a new problem for your husband, then you need to have your husband see the doctor so that he can rule out a urinary tract infection or maybe prescribe some medications that will decrease your husband's behavior to a more manageable level. Like CeeCee said, people with dementia or Alzheimer's have a tendency to not want to take a bath. And men especially, maybe because they don't like women telling them what to do.
Have you considered having a male bath aide or a male family member attempt to help your Dad with showering or shaving? Do you have a walk-in shower (with a hand-held shower head) that you can put a stool in for your husband to sit on while taking a shower? What type of razor did your husband used to use? My Dad used a double blade razor and he didn't like to use the electric shaver because he said it didn't give him a close enough shave.
Unfortunately, it is going to be a "trial and error" with you trying different approaches to get your husband to take a shower or to shave. It is not easy and a problem that the nursing staff in nursing homes have to deal with almost daily. Maybe you could contact your local Agency on Aging or Home Health Agency or Assisted Living facility or nursing home and see if the BATH AIDE has any suggestions. I am sorry that you are having this problem with your loved one.
I don’t have any advice, but understand that you’re frustrated. My FIL refuses help all the time, but cannot do anything for himself. He gets so angry. I think it’s because he’s frustrated that “everybody’s always telling me what to do!”. I know the anti-bathing thing is a normal behavior with Alz patients.
Is this a change in mental status? Report it to his doc immediately. This sort of change is sometimes brought on by a urinary tract infection. Check for that asap.
Talk to his doctor about his behavioral symptoms and what approaches/meds might help.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Our 92 year old mother was refusing to bathe also and, until she went into the nursing home, only her Visiting Angel's home health worker could get her into the shower. In the nursing home, she is only showered twice a week as well. It works fine. Don't try to force the issue. Get some help from family or home health aide. Good luck.
Here it is under $40.00 a year for seniors on open swim so can do lengths or warm water exercise - between my husband & I, we generally go 6 to 7 times a week - we also save on our water/sewer bill so maybe sell it to him that way! - my pool has assistive device to get in or out of pool
Check it out yourself - then start going & rave about whatever you think will catch his fancy - then maybe off handedly ask he wants to come but not every time so he doesn't realize it's a campaign
Perhaps you can find a place to take your husband where he'll care what others think enough to shower beforehand?
With my mom, early on, my step dad would lovingly ask her to shower with him. That worked for a bit. As the disease progressed, that was difficult for both of them. We got a shower chair and in the morning, I would simply prep everything and announce, "your shower is ready"...it was a statement and I just acted like she requested it and I got everything ready...water warmed and running, clothes layed out, towel and robe set out, room warmed up. I did the same with brushing teeth, etc. You could try one of these.
At times, mom simply revised and I didn't push. I just used the same strategy the next day... And the next... I figured if she got a shower once a week, it was fine. The doctor told me "no one dies from not showering". (But it might smell like they did, lol)
I didn't have to deal with shaving, thank goodness. Much luck on your journey... Sorry you and hubby have to go down this road.
I have had a good "19th century" type beard for the past 20 years or so although I had let it grow off and on since graduate school days. I wash it along with my hair when I take a shower, and then comb it out and trim it to keep it even. I've received many compliments on it, and am occasionally approached by members of different ethnic and religious groups (who wonder if I'm actually "one of them") with whom I end up having an interesting and enjoyable conversation. I grew mine because I prefer my appearance with it more than without it. It requires less time and effort than shaving, but still some attention is needed to keep it from looking scraggly.
Of course I can't speculate as to what your husband would look like with a beard or how well his beard would grow, but would allowing him to grow it be an acceptable option? If so, this would largely eliminate one of your "battles".
I was very surprised when my Husband went to rehab, after breaking his hip, I learned that the State of Illinois requires a shower only 2 times a week.
It might go better if a trained Caregiver were to shower and shave him a few times a week. Sometimes someone else can accomplish what we can't.
But...
Have you looked into why he does not want to shower?
Is he afraid of falling?
Is it too confusing? If you think about it there are a lot of steps we do automatically to shower ourselves and he might be forgetting what is next.
Is it too noisy?
Where does the water hit him? I had a physical therapist tell me that the head and chest are the most "vulnerable" areas and we want to protect them so if the water hits there it may feel like an assault to him (or at least to his mind it feels that way). If that is the case maybe a shower chair and a hand held shower hose might help.
Can he adjust the water temperature easily? His sensations may have changed and what once felt warm may feel hot.
As for the shaving that may also be a sensory thing, if he uses and electric razor the vibrations may be unsettling, if he uses a regular razor he may have cut or nicked himself and he recalls the hurt it caused. But then it may also be that there are a lot of steps to shaving and that can be confusing.
Sit your DH down, buy some Adult/Baby Wipes and help him to shave while sitting somewhere - we used the living room. But at DH's age, he couldn't shave without a mirror and it just became easier for him when I started shaving him.
Don't fight over it. Sit and discuss. Ask him how you can help him to help himself. Offer to get a table on wheels - like hospitals use - and you can get his all his supplies. It really isn't difficult and my DH refused electric razors so I had to learn how to use blades.
Finally one of my Dad's caregiver tried this.... she put her hands on her hips and said to my Dad "Mr. Bob, I raised a houseful of boys and there isn't anything I haven't seen". That got Dad laughing, then he was ready for her to help him with the shower :)
Both of my Dad's regular caregivers were in their 50's. He wouldn't let a younger caregiver help him shower, nor a male caregiver.
Have you considered having a male bath aide or a male family member attempt to help your Dad with showering or shaving? Do you have a walk-in shower (with a hand-held shower head) that you can put a stool in for your husband to sit on while taking a shower? What type of razor did your husband used to use? My Dad used a double blade razor and he didn't like to use the electric shaver because he said it didn't give him a close enough shave.
Unfortunately, it is going to be a "trial and error" with you trying different approaches to get your husband to take a shower or to shave. It is not easy and a problem that the nursing staff in nursing homes have to deal with almost daily. Maybe you could contact your local Agency on Aging or Home Health Agency or Assisted Living facility or nursing home and see if the BATH AIDE has any suggestions. I am sorry that you are having this problem with your loved one.
I know the anti-bathing thing is a normal behavior with Alz patients.
This sort of change is sometimes brought on by a urinary tract infection. Check for that asap.
Talk to his doctor about his behavioral symptoms and what approaches/meds might help.