I'm 37 and I take care of dear mom who was diagnosed with dementia a year ago, but is progressing so fast. We are renters, living in a townhouse, and we've lived in this community for about 22 years---I technically grew up here. My mom has always been kind to our next door neighbors who also lived next to us for 22 years. They adore mom and they have nothing but respect for her and our family. My only worry (as if I don't have enough to worry about), my mom screams when I try to get her up to go to the bathroom, screams when I try to take her to her bedroom, screams and yells/calling for someone almost all day. Every morning, when I try to get her out of bed, she screams so loud. I've apologized constantly to my two next door neighbors because the walls are so thin and I know mom screaming all day is no fun, she even knocks on windows and asks anyone passing by to come get her out or she would say hey hey or call them by someone else name. My two lovely neighbors even bring me coffee and donuts from time to time just to remind me I have nothing to apologize about and tell me they know what dementia does, but I can't help but feel so bad and ashamed that others can hear my mom like this. I can't afford to buy a house, so I'm really stuck in this place, but I feel hopeless and don't know what to do. Am I overthinking this?
Hang in there -- you have a wonderful support system.
At the very least, Mom needs an anti-anxiety med that is calming but not sedating. Talk with her doctor.
While it’s great you want to be a 24/7 caregiver to her, this situation is going to keep declining. As much as you love her, no one can “love their way” through caregiving. It doesn’t help Mom if you end up too exhausted to care for her or yourself! Do consider assisted living as an option in the future. Peace.
I thought that I could care for my mom until the end. It becomes too much mentally and physically. My brother took the reigns after I did it. It was hard for each of us. Mom prayed for a way out of being a burden on the family. She was blessed to spend her last month of life in a wonderful hospice house. She received incredible care from the staff. She died with dignity and free from pain.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. No one can do it all forever and if they force themselves to do everything they usually pay a high price for it. Their health will start to decline, both physically physically and emotionally. I struggled with anxiety, depression and extremely high blood pressure.
There is no shame in admitting that we need help or find that we feel it’s best to place our loved ones in a facility.
Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.
I agree you need to have your mother assessed by her doc for anti-anxiety meds to take the edge off. Could she possibly be experiencing physical pain that you are unaware of - an infection?
While it is commendable that you want to care for your mother, it appears to be getting to the point of being too much - have you considered to add some in home aids? You also may need to consider placement. Placing your mother doesn't make you any less of a caregiver - or means you failed as a caregiver - it just changes how you caregive. Instead of being a hands-on caregiver you are then free to again be her daughter and advocate for the care she receives - smoothing over problems and handling issues that arise at the facility. In addition you have a team of caregivers there 24/7.
Again your mother is so lucky to have you as her daughter. May your mother, you and your neighbors be blessed.
You first need to go out of the house while she is screaming and see exactly what you can hear and also ask the neighbor what exactly they can hear.
Maybe the screaming is muffled and not as loud as you think to the neighbor.
It's an awful situation for all but when you say your mom screams, hopefully only for a few seconds while you move her then she stops. .
If it's a constant scream on and off all day, than you really need to find a solution as
it isn't fair to your neighbors to have to live out their retirement years like that.
Prayers
You're not over thinking at all. It's a very tough, stressful situation. Your inner observer is just trying to help.
I think one reason all of this is so hard is because our parents are such authority figures to us. In other words, next time she gets to protesting, remember you're the new sheriff (at least in your own mind). You know best now. Your judgement is solid. And you can find peace in that if you can get past the nerves and remind yourself during all the noise. Breathe, and wiggle your toes for a second. Your intent is loving and nurturing. You're the grown up now.
I don't think your awesome neighbors will be bothered or concerned unless you start screaming back that you don't want to eat your "veggies first - either!".
Take good care. You're doing such hard, good work.
If you can manage to pay the rent on your own at the townhouse then great. If you can't then get a roommate to help share expenses.
Either way, your mother's needs now cannot be met by you alone. Or by any one single person.
You are not over-thinking it. You know that you're going to have to make this decision soon because she's getting worse fast.
Find a care facility that will take her.
I would get some heavy blankets, you can get cheap quilts at the thrifty store, and hang those up as tapestries. This will help muffle the sound. If money permits, you can buy the foam that is used in music studios to keep the sound in and out. It is black and looks like an egg crate and it works incredibly well. No idea what it would cost but, you can install it yourself with a double sided tape or a hot glue gun. You can also add a layer of cardboard behind whatever you do to increase the sound proofing.
Ask the management about installing solar screens, black can not be seen through from the outside, unless back lit. Or put a reflective tint that looks like a mirror from the outside on the windows. I assume that you don't have many windows exposed to passersby, so this would be a fairly easy fix. If you are handy, you can buy all of this at home depot and do it yourself, if not, this would be a 1 day job for a handyman.
One benefit is the noise reduction but, you will also get insulation value. So you will be able to keep the temperature close to what you really want. The downside of thin walls we don't think about.
It is great that you are thinking about how to minimize the impact on the neighbors. Even though they are fine with it now, we all know that things can change and then they are not okay. Proactively deaden the sound and you will feel less stressed and the neighbors will appreciate it, even if they say otherwise, they will appreciate it.
She needs a medical evaluation. There are places that have doctors that come to your home. I see several suggestions to check for a UTI. There are several brands of test strips that can be used at home.
Best wishes.🤔🙏
Laurie
I would look for a nice memory care facility for her. They will have a doctor that contracts with them and that person will see her as needed adjusting her meds.
This must be hellish for you. Take care.
Do consider trying a very low dose anti-anxiety medication. When mom took this, it worked first time, every time, in about 15-20 minutes. They do mention these being a fall risk, but mom NEVER fell when taking it, and wasn't doped up. It was just enough to take the edge off for her.
I understand you want to keep your mom home, which is fine. However you might want to consider hiring some help to take some of the burden off, even if it's to do other tasks like cleaning or laundry, or to allow you a little time off to go out and take a break. Trying to do it all AND take care of your mother full time will become a super marathon at some point. The last thing you need is to have something happen to you, leaving your mom with no one!
Hugs 🤗
I also had mature graduate students in my large home for extra income, so I had that challenge to deal with. It was ridiculous, but somehow they understood. They told me that they could put on their headphones at any time and that would shut out the noise . You might consider headphones also and listen to something you love.
Honestly, I finally applied for Medi-Cal pay-per-share long-term care insurance in California. This is a wing of Medi-Cal which middle to upper-middle income people can apply for to pay for a nursing home. I didn't even know this existed until I was obviously in need. My husband passed away on the very day he was approved by Medi-Cal for the stay in long term care with a minimal monthly payment from me. It is called Medicaid in other states but this type of insurance may exists in your state too.
It looks like it's time to think about long term care. I miss my husband very much, but he said to me before passing on... "I love you... and want you to know I'm only changing addresses!" This is nice to think about when a loved one does pass away.
The thing to do is to take a baby footstep forward in what you think is appropriate. See what your sensible options are. When you do that you will see the next step to take and so on.
My home is so quiet now... students have graduated and husband is gone, so I had some moments to write to you. One day at a time and one step at a time--that's the key... this website is such a blessing to all of us.