I have another sister who needs to take her turn in taking care of our Mother. My mental health is at stake and I need her to take care of her for at least just a month, just so I can recover. She lives in CA. I am in Nevada. Can APs step in to help me work something out with my sister who lives in CA? She’s a difficult person to deal with. Can Aps help mediate to make her understand that she has a duty to care for our Mother too and that we should split months on taking care of her? No judgement pls. I am emotionally exhausted, caring for someone with Alzheimer’s 24/7 is not easy.
APS cannot step in to force your sister to take responsibility for your mother. APS only steps in when a vulnerable senior is in a position where they are dangerous to themselves and/or others AND in many cases where there is no one to take care of them (or they are refusing to let someone help).
In this forum you are surrounded by caregivers. We recognize that what you are choosing to do is not an easy path. Many of us have done it ourselves. But there comes a point where you have to put yourself first and decide to find alternative options. Sometimes there is family that can step in. But more often than not- if other family was going to step in and help - they would have already done so. And trying to force them or guilt them is unfair and not likely going to happen. It's a waste of your energy.
A better use of your energy is to find a managed care facility where your mother gets 24/7 care and you get your life back.
A "duty" is a moral or legal obligation. A task or action that a person is required to perform. Your sister does not have a "duty" to care for your mother. You don't have a "duty" to provide care for your mother. As a parent with young adult daughters still living at home - we have made arrangements for them to stay here as they find their way in life and get on their feet after college. But we do that out of love and we CHOOSE to do that. We no longer have a duty of care for our children as they are adults.
Conversely, when we get to the point where we can no longer take care of ourselves, our daughters do not OWE us care. We are saving and planning for our care. If they choose to do so - for any amount of time- they would be going above and beyond out of love - not because they owe us care. We plan for our care so that our children will be able to continue to live their lives and just be our daughters - not responsible for our hands on care.
You are going to have to change your mindset - and that's hard. A task you have chosen to do is getting to the point where it is unmanageable. You have been the solution. But now you are aware that you cannot walk this path any longer. So look for your real options - not the "easy" options.
Some people here have advised to let state take over her everything..& assume guardianship..I don’t recommend you go down that road as you will have absolutely no control of where they put mom, take control of all her $$$ & assets & you would have put in 5 years of caregiving for naught. If you lived in house with mom for at least 2 years, it’s Medicaid exempt. You have to be one to decide where she goes, not the state.
Good luck & hugs 🤗
Your sister is not willing to share in the caregiving for your mother with Alzheimer's and she does not have to. You don't have to either. There are other options than you doing it or trying to force your sister to.
Live-in homecare, placement in memory care, or having the court appoint a conservator/guardian for your mother who will be legally responsible for her life are all options for your situation. Trying to get APS or some other government entity to force your sister to take on caregiving is not as option.
If your sister expects an inheritance from your mother at some point let her know in plain terms that there will not be any if mom gets placed in a care facility. Sometimes this is a motivator to get siblings to take some of the caregiving on. Other times the siblings agree to forgo any potential inhetitance and put the parent into care.
Start looking at memory care facilities for your mother if you're getting burned out and no family is willing to take some of the burden off of you.
Does your sister have a spouse? Children? Is she retired so that even if she agreed to come it wouldn't be a financial or familial burden on her? Have you thought about paying her with your Mom's funds to come and give you a break? Even if she would do this, she's got no experience managing a person with dementia and it could all fall apart within days.
Maybe offer to pay her to give you a break first for a few days where you are there and can teach her. As the days progress you can leave them alone for longer periods of time so make sure all goes well. Then your sister can see if she feels comfortable doing it. In the future, you can have her come for longer periods of time. Coming for a month cold turkey is 1) unappealing and 2) risky. Does your Mom have the funds to pay for her airfare and whatever food she'd eat? Will she have use of a car? Is your home someplace that would be comfortable for someone to stay at for such a long period of time?
You say your sister is a difficult person to deal with, yet you have an expectation that she would upend her life to do something totally unfamiliar and unappealing to most people. Did she even have a good relationship with your Mom? You seem to keep expecting your sister to be someone she isn't, never was and probably never will be.
I 100% understand your exhaustion and desperation. You can also consider Care.com to find aids, or an agency. It would be very helpful if you provided more information so we could give you more specific suggestions.
I wish you success in getting a break, clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you think about a long-term care solution for your Mom so that you can have your life back.
YOU change your mind set, you can't change hers.
If you are POA for mom YOU start looking for Memory Care facilities that will care for her.
If mom has funds to pay for MC, great.
You can also begin process of applying for Medicaid if that is needed.
If you really want to keep mom at home you hire caregivers (mom pays for them) and let the caregivers help care for mom.
If mom is able to attend an Adult Day Program that would also give you a break a few days a week.
If mom is eligible for Hospice contact a Hospice, have her evaluated and let Hospice help out as much as they will. With Hospice you will get a Nurse every week, a CNA 2 maybe 3 times a week and you will get all the supplies and equipment that you need. This will all be covered by Medicare, Medicaid and other insurance. And it will all be delivered. AND little known benefit of Hospice is that you can request RESPITE and that is also covered by Medicare, Medicaid you would get about 1 week of Respite each year.
OH, I do hope you are paying yourself for your caregiving and you are splitting ALL household expenses so your mom is paying her fair share.
Sadly you were the one who chose to take on this very difficult burden, while your sister knew better not to, and now you are mad at her because she's living and enjoying her life while you're stuck in this emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausting job of caring for your mother.
And if you are not careful you will end up being in the sad statistic of 40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia, dying before the one they're caring for from stress related issues. I know you don't want that.
So now it's time to be looking into getting your mother placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires, and you can get back to just being your mothers daughter and advocate, instead of her overwhelmed and burned out caregiver.
It will be a win win for all involved.
And if money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid for your mother.
I wish you well in taking your life back and getting your mother in the right facility.
Facts: Your Mother has Alzheimer's Disease. A progressive disease.
It will never be any easier than now. More & more help will be needed as her independance declines.
Thoughts:
"I have another sister who needs to take her turn in taking care of our Mother".
This thought is harmful to you. Causes resentment & anger. Could be harmful to your relationship with your sister make it worse).
Be harmful to Mother too.
Some people get stuck at thoughts of *family must help* or *only family can help*. These thoughts can PREVENT people from seeking OTHER help. Can make families ignore other solutuons. Can even leave some caregivers as a solo 'Lone Ranger' caregiver - who gives their all until they collapse with fatigue, depression or their own serious health event.
Dementia takes a village of helpers.
If your sister is not one of the 'village helpers' then your Mother needs OTHER helpers instead.
My advice would be to try to accept you cannot save Mom from this awful disease. Be a part of this journey with her. Help to arrange the care she needs.
Warring with your sister will not accomplish a better care plan for Mom. You are angry. Yes. But who or what are you really angry at?
The universe for letting your Mom get Alz? DO be angry at that!!
Then use your anger energy to CHANGE what YOU are doing.
Thoughts?
I wouldn't want my mom being taking care of by anyone that doesn't want to, or can't . Resentments and passive aggressive, neglect or anger could happen.
You could call your sister explain to her ,that you are at the end of your rope, and ask if there is any way she can help. If you get a negative response I would just leave it.
With that being said you need to find another way to get a break. It might be time to think about a facility, or day care, or caregivers .
You need help. Do you have any help or just doing 100% of it alone? Either way, it's time to add more and more and/or place mom. As someone else mentioned, use only her money, not yours. So you could add some aides to come in for a few hours a few times a week. Leave the house when they are there or go to your bedroom and close the door. Get a cleaning lady. Or look into the appropriate setting for her needs and get her moved in. You can't keep doing it all.
Good luck
There is no way to make your sister take care of your mother . The “ duty” is something you learned or feel . It is not some enforceable law.
Does your mother have any money , or a house to sell ? Do you have POA?
You could put your mother in assisted living memory care on respite care for a month .
Maybe even permanently , if Mom has funds. Some states will help pay for this through Medicaid , but most don’t . It would be private pay using Moms funds .
If Mom was on hospice , Medicare would pay to have Mom in respite care for short periods of time to give you a break .
If Mom needs even more care than assisted living and has no money , state Medicaid will pay for SNF ( skilled nursing facility ) to care for Mom.
You could call your County Area of Aging to come out and do a needs assessment to determine what level of care Mom would need and maybe they can help you navigate the process of finding a place for Mom to stay for a month or more to give you a break , to at least start off. Then you could go from there to see if permanent placement is best .
You are not obligated to take care of Mom 24/7 either . Explore the options .
Is there anyway to hire help to come in the house to give you a break ?
Use Mom’s money . Never use your own money for Mom’ care .
I will assume she has little cash to pay aides, so in this situation you either decide it is worth it to continue, or you tell aps you won’t be coming out anymore and request the state of California take over guardianship, meaning they sell her home, or if you’re poa, you can sell it so mom at least can go to an mc.