My mom is about to turn 80 this Friday. She is scared to death! Her mother died at 84 with full blown Alzheimer's. Any advice?
My mother is constantly forgetting things and it is driving her nuts. She cries often and gets upset with herself. She has some health issues and is really afraid of getting old and losing her mind. This has all come on pretty fast. It started a little less than a year ago when she missed one too many on her drivers lic test. Than went back and failed again and again. She's never failed before. It devastated her. Although my mom has always been an uplifting and positive person, she now constantly talks about all the negative things that have occurred in her past, i.e., my dad was an Alcoholic, her mom was verbally abusive at times, etc. It's something she talks about constantly. I don't know how to help her. I feel so helpless. I try to redirect her thoughts to happy ones. I listen and tell her that I hear her fears and I love her. It's extremely hard to handle without getting frustrated after awhile. I need guidance for my mom and for my own sanity. It makes me cry every time and I have my own health issues and I try to not bring extra negative energy in my life as that's when my symptoms get worse so I feel worse too. I welcome any advice and suggestions as I'm new to this...thank you! 😥
Mom’s mom had a stroke at 45 and died of diabetes/heart issues at 66. Mom’s sister had a stroke at 35.
My half-brother died of cancer at 45. Another half-brother died “of natural causes” at 58.
Dad’s dad died of heart+stroke complications at 57. Dad’s mom was full-tilt senile in her mid-to-late 60s and died in her early 70s.
Dad died of cancer in his early 60s. Mom started dementia in her late 60s and died in her early 70s.
I’m f**ked. Some days I can push the thought aside. Some days I can’t.
If I make it to 80, I’ll be the first in my family. And smart money says I won’t know my name or what day it is — let alone how old I am!
Story went like this—During the Great Depression (1930s) my dad’s family had an especially hard time, the worst things being the death of my dad’s 14 year old brother and the death of my dad’s father from CHF. There was no money for medical care, they lived way out in the country with no transportation...
Maybe because of this childhood my dad’s always been morose and negative. But he had me convinced he was near the end of his lifespan.
So as the years went by, I realized that the longevity of ancestors is perhaps a factor in our lifespan but not THE determining factor at all.
My dad is 89 years old and quite healthy and active for that age. He is mentally as ornery and negative as he’s always been. My mom’s declining health has been hard on him but he’s adjusted quickly, organized his new routine and considering the circumstances, my parents have adjusted but they’ve always been that way. Life’s not always a rose garden is it? But my dad has lived 49 years longer than he expected back in 1972.
1. Have a cognitive test. Knowing the situation is far better than worrying about the unknown.
2. Even if the cognitive tests show Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI) that does not mean that full-scale dementia will follow.
3. Try to encourage her emotionally to be happy.
I would add:
1. Just because her mother had dementia does not mean she will get it. Whether other members of the family have dementia is important primarily ONLY for early-onset-dementia, with early-onset being before age 60. If you (or perhaps more likely, a different health care professional) could convince her of this, she might then relax significantly.
2. If her memory does worsen significantly, present pharmaceutical interventions are unlikely to do more than delay symptoms by a few months.
3. The best (and almost only viable) treatment for dementia is love. C.S. Lewis has it right in his book, The Four Loves. It says nothing about dementia, but it sets out the four loves of friendship, affection, charity and Eros (being the state of being in love with or without a sexual side). However, it is important that the Person Living with Dementia (PLwD) choose what kind of love they want and when they want it. Trying to force some kind of love on them that they do not want will not be helpful.
4. Try to come into and stay with her in HER moment, not your moment or the present moment. Often, talking about and reliving the past can be a therapeutic experience in which you understand the past better and it no longer has a negative impact on the present.
5. As King Fu Panda puts it in those crazy films: "The past is history; the future is a mystery; and the present is a gift." STOP WORRYING AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
It's also 'normal' for family and friends to try to redirect us to 'happy thoughts' -- but that's actually not helpful. Each of us, as we get older, needs to be able to process some of the events and situations that were tough back then, especially the ones we have carefully tried not to think about for a long time.
But it's hard for untrained family and friends to hear all that, much less be able to usefully reflect it without trying to 'fix' any of it. Can you get her an appointment with a chaplain? I don't necessarily mean 'clergy' here -- it's not about faith or theology -- but rather someone trained to listen and validate her emotions without trying to take her out of them. Once she has expressed them fully, they will usually become much less distressing to her (and to those around her). If she'll go to a Licensed Counselor or a Psychotherapist, that could be even better (but lots of folks in her generation think that's only for 'crazy' people, which it sounds like she is not).
Life Review is an important part of the old-age process for most of us, so don't stop her from doing it. But you don't have to be the one listening.
Big round-number birthdays quite often bring forward a sort of 'review of all the tough past' -- and you don't need to try to fix that.
--
And I almost forgot: you mentioned her alcoholic parent. See if you can get to a meeting of Adult Children of Alcoholics. You can go with her; as an Adult Grandchild of an alcoholic, you qualify. You might both be amazed how much the issues other folks talk about can sound familiar. And it might be a great place for her to do the 'negative' review she has been trying to voice.
I agree full on in self-fulfilling prophecy and diet, but she disregards most of my suggestions...it makes me sad for not being heard. How can I help when I'm not looked at as knowing anything, yet I work in healthcare lol.
Since I do not live near them at this moment, I took time yesterday to contact the del web community that they live in to inquire if they had any resources or support groups I can connect my dad with, as well as pick their mind on ideas. My parents have always bent over backwards helping others...hopefully someone will be there this time for them.
Thank you all for your guidance and advice. This was my first experience of reaching out and I feel like I've been heard. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I suddenly do not feel alone in this battle I am about to adventure into! ♥️
As suggested previously, I think that your Mom needs to have a thorough work-up by her PCP and maybe a geriatric doctor. That way your Mom and you would both know what exactly is going on and what you can do to help minimize the effects of getting older.
God Bless!
alzheimer.ca/en/Home/About-dementia/What-is-dementia/Normal-aging-vs-dementia
I climbed up into my family tree to see if there were any health issues among those who lived a very long life. My Dad was 94 when he was showing sizes of dementia but the love of his life had passed the prior year. Now my Dad's grandfather was said to be senile in his 90's as he would walk to town [it was like Mayberry] and would be gone for hours. He would say he got lost, but I think he was visiting friends just to get out of the house :)
My Mom had dementia but that was caused from head trauma when Mom had two serious falls. For all you know, your Grandmother could have developed dementia from such a fall.
Does your Mom talk to anyone who is around 80 years old. I find it is so much better when you find others in your age group going through the same thing.
Tell Mom her brain is like a bunch of filing cabinets, and when we get into our 70's and beyond, those cabinets are overflowing from all the information, thus when we try to remember something, it takes our brain a lot longer to find that bit of information. I usually find my answer at midnight :P
With the big birthday coming up, and her mother's example in front of her, there could be a sizeable element of 'self-fulfilling prophesy' about the mental stress your mother's experiencing at the moment. She's anxious, it wrecks her confidence and her concentration, so she has difficulty with memory-related tasks, and that frightens her (naturally), and round and round you go in the vicious circle.
At the same time, it would be silly and self-defeating to pretend that there couldn't possibly be any cognitive or sensory or neurological decline going on. 80, even by today's standards, is well past middle age. It would be only sensible to get a baseline assessment done so that at least you can keep an objective eye on any future changes.
"Present fears are less than horrible imaginings..."
In your place, I'd want to offer reassurance and encourage a formal assessment through a memory clinic, older age psychiatrist, or whatever in-depth method your mother's PCP suggests. It is always better to know where you stand than to hide under the bed and dread things that may not even be there; and once you have a clearer picture you'll also have a much better idea of what medications and other therapies are most likely to be really helpful.