I am 58. In my late 20s I was diagnosed with 2 rare autoimmune diseases. At 39 I was diagnosed with incurable leukemia and cervical cancer, then had a hysterectomy once they stabilized my leukemia. I have 5 degenerative neck disks and spent 5 years having seizures on one of the lifelong chemos I take. Now I have a rare heart disease. I take piles of meds. I've had Covid 8x, twice with her here and I didn’t go upstairs as not to infect her. I've had Long Covid for over 2 years. I'm not sure what she thought I was doing for food, I didn’t eat for a week each time. She's been here a year, she's still not unpacked. Moans and complains incessantly and says the most insensitive things to me, the one with all the problems. I had a man who was my caregiver and he was very good to me, I wasn't even as sick then. We broke up and now everything is on me. She drinks a 1.75 liter bottle of wine a night and I highly suspect she has Wernicke Korsakoff syndrome. She remembers nothing. I hear the same stories over and over, she asks the same question 10 times in 5 minutes. She has also become very hypersexual. I live very rural but travel 75 miles by train, to the city, at least once a month for my own care. Al anon is virtual near me and there's no privacy. I'm bitter because I'm not sure where the hell she's been for me the last 30 years. I love my mother but she won't lift a finger even when I'm firm. She hired "her" guy to mow and said she'd pay. I told her to call, she wouldn't. I wrote his number down and said, you hired him, you're paying him, you call. She refused. So I finally had to break down and do it after the lawn was a foot high. This is constant. I feel myself getting sicker. I don't even want to be in the same room. I know that sounds horrible but with my chronic pain. I don't make a peep. So she thinks I'm being "an inconsiderate bitch". I'm on disability and paying a mortgage and all the bills. She tells me I have to remind her to give me money. I don't, I can’t, and I’m not wired that way. Tomorrow I have an appointment with her Dr. to find out about her appointment because she doesn't tell me. I have an estranged brother 3,000 miles away, I never want to speak to or see him again. She still hasn't gone to fix her will. So while I'm sick and getting sicker he's oblivious, dating a much younger woman trying to gain what he missed out on. 60 years old and burning man is what’s important. She cancels all appointments but will jump up at 7pm if she's out of wine and will go get some. I'm tired, my house is a disaster inside and out, I don't want to come home, I leave whenever I can and the guilt is killing me. I just want my life and my home back. I can't send an 82-year-old to rehab. She has no inner dialog, it's all out loud, all day, all night every day. I've started therapy, still looking for al anon. I'm afraid I'm getting caregiver burnout and she's going to outlive me. I'm not sure what my question is, I guess I'm looking for someone in a similar situation. I'm really losing it.
You are also too sick to take care of your mother .
Try calling your local County Area of Aging . Get a social worker on board to help you navigate this . Tell them you are too ill to take care of Mom. Mom needs to be placed in a facility . If Mom ends up in the hospital or rehab do not take Mom home again. Tell the social worker at the hospital or rehab that you can not take care of her and walk away .
Honestly walk away , don’t answer phone calls from the rehab or hospital or visit Mom. Don’t go to the facility , they will be on the lookout for you . I know this sounds harsh but it’s the best way to get Mom placed in a facility because they will try to force you to take Mom home since it is her residence and you don’t have POA . Once Mom is out of your house , change the locks .
Good Luck , you have to take care of you .
Mom needs to be taken care of in a facility .
Frankly, her Will is not what you should be thinking about but rather her PoA. If you are not her PoA then getting her out and into a facility will be much trickier. At your age, and with your health issues, would downsizing be a logical step for you? Moving closer to services and people? Age-related health challenges will only increase as you age. Mine started in my early 60s and I am healthy and athletic. A move would give you the excuse to get her out and you'd get the bonus of simplifying, since you will eventually need this for yourself anyway. You need to do it before you are too old or sick to be able.
It would be helpful for us to know whether your Mom has a PoA or not.
I was POA and Trustee for a lovely, gentle, organized, cooperative and grateful man, and it was hard enough at that. To be POA for a anyone else is nothing but a crucible. Our OP has enough of that, I would think.
I know that you have much medical help and a medical team given your many challenges, so I hope that you ask each and every one of them to hook you up with a social worker so you can access all the help you can get. You should also be pointed to a psychologist if that's an option.
Taking an 82 alcoholic into your home was not a good decision.
You state somewhere that initially you thought she could help provide you some support. Instead it has gone the opposite way. She should be evicted.
Guilt, of course is also a poor choice, and it is a choice because it is not based in reality. Guilt implies that you chose things, your own illness, your mother's alcoholism. That would make you responsible. You didn't choose them. You can't fix them. So change out your G-words from guilt to grief and that will help right there.
I will recommend you keep going with Al-Anon, virtual or not; privacy is not longer a concern you can afford to worry about. As a cancer survivor myself it's time to stop caring if the gown's closed tight in back. You will not only get support and sympathy there, but KNOWLEDGE and resources. You will find out that you cannot help or change an alcoholic; you can only choose whether or not to keep them in your life. I suggest "not". Your mother should be evicted and on her own, whether in a shelter or a small rental room I honestly am not interested. There's too much on your plate for me to add her as a concern. Your mother is NOT a caregiver, and cannot serve that role.
I wish you a lot of luck. I know that you recognize that as a Forum of individuals from around the world we can only offer our sympathy for your plight and suggestions that MAY help. You MUST seek help available to you "on the ground" in your area, and again.......Al-Anon......a world of help and suggestions and pointers and resources and if virtual the only way to get it now, then so be it.. The very best of luck to you.
TOO DAMN BAD.
If she refuses to leave, have her served with eviction. Either way set a date that she will be out by and that's it.
You are too ill yourself to be anyone's caregiver or to deal with an alcoholic. She's leaving.
As for your brother. OMG, I was laughing so hard when you said about your brother and his much younger girlfriend at Burning Man. There's no fool like an old fool. I went to a Burning Man once in my 30's and felt like the "elder" in that crowd. At 60? Call him and tell him he can either come and get mom or she's going to be homeless or APS will put her in a care facility because you're evicting her.
You can also put your house up for sale and move somewhere else. You don't have to take her with you.
You've had a very hard time and a lot of unfortunate health issues that you don't deserve. No one does. So that being said, no way do you have to live with what you're living with.
Forget trying to get your mother's ducks in a row and sorting out things like POA and Wills. You have to be about you now. Forget about these things.
You're in no condition to be a caregiver to her. Call APS and your brother. Let them both know you're legally evicting her.