My mother has mid- stage Alzheimer's, lives with me and frequently accuses me of stealing from her bank account or taking her photos or letters. I'm a regulatory analyst with an MBA and my mother barely finished high school; I have more money than she does. And what do I want with her photos or junk mail? I know it's all part of her Alzheimer's issue but she works at the Senior Citizens Law Project as a file clerk and frequently talks about seniors getting scammed by their family so she always thinks its happening to her. I have to add she's white, I'm black, and I live in a republican state - all of this makes me nervous if she takes one of her paranoid rants to the lawyer at her job (which she has threatened to do). I don't need a lawsuit or to get mistreated because some adorable white lady complains her big black daughter is stealing, giving opportunity for some Trump lover judge to take out some anti-BLM vendetta on me. I looked into independent living but it is so expensive and Medicare doesn't cover it. I have a child in my home still and a mortgage and am a divorced mom and can't afford to put her somewhere on my own. My siblings are also getting calls from her and actually questioning if I'm stealing from her too, which has put a hole in my relationship with them. I can't take much more of this and I don't know what to do.
1) Even if you don’t have the POA etc so that mother’s doctor will talk to you, you can contact them. Tell the doctor what is happening, and ask if they have some suggestions that would help her with what you believe is mid-stage ALZ. Do this IN WRITING and keep a copy, and of course record anything you hear back. Your own letter provides evidence for you, as well as potentially being an immediate help.
2) If your mother is repeating her accusations at her work (whether paid or voluntary), it’s defamatory. If your worst fears came true and you were prosecuted, you would be cross-alleging defamation, calling witnesses to the defamation from her workplace, and saying that the workplace has not handled appropriately the effect on your mother of dealing with scam cases when she has dementia issues herself. This would be a serious problem for the workplace to deal with, both with the witnesses and with their own reputation in taking up genuine scams. You could make an appointment with the workplace lawyer to explain your problem, and ask for suggestions to deal with it. After the appointment, write a note confirming what was discussed, send it to the workplace lawyer, and KEEP A COPY. Once again, more evidence for you and potentially an immediate help. (The down side is that her work there may be terminated. See if they can just give her different jobs.)
3) Write to your siblings explaining what you have done and why. KEEP A COPY. Ask them to check with you if they hear more allegations. If you follow up on Geaton’s suggestion to look at Teepa Snows videos, you could give them a reference to one which covers this sort of allegation. Ask if a sibling could take mother, at least for a while to let the situation cool and give you a break. Say that you can’t take much more, and if it gets worse they may have to step up for care themselves.
4) Get some more information about facilities that might be available for your mother. In view of her current work, she must have a fair ability to care for herself, so perhaps she is living with you because of lack of funds. You have looked at IL, but AL might be more appropriate, and you also should be on top of all the Medicaid/ Medicare options. You shouldn’t be expecting to pay for this yourself. Keep records of what and when you have checked.
It sounds as though race has become an important part of this for you and probably for mother as well. Be reassured that many of our posters have to deal with elders where old racist, sexist, political and religious prejudices come to the surface after many years. This is usually highly embarrassing in public, but also very hurtful when their married children have made very different lives themselves. If it is too hard, it is a very good idea to work out how to untie your lives as much as you can.
Best wishes with a difficult problem, Margaret
Yes, my dad was black, she's white, and i look distinctly black, but I dont think she considers that at all when she's threatening to talk to the people at her office about starting a case. It's not that she is racist, she just doesn't think about it at all as a factor when throwing around these threats. And yes I agree with you about maybe its not the best for her to be working there anyway. They know about her diagnosis and reduced her hours to just a couple days a week because she can't handle as much (which was nice they kept her at all) but they are all elderly at that office and suspicious of everyone too! Haha just very uncomfortable being in the middle of this.
Hopefully the doc can help with the paranoia piece with meds. Thank u again for the suggestions.
You say your mother has mid-stage ALZ...have you had her assessed by one of the facilities in person to see if maybe she is beyond AL and needs MC?
Depending on her financial situation, it may be advisable for you to talk to an estate planning/elder law attorney who has experience in Medicaid qualification. She is only 69 and her life can go on for quite a while, but with less and less quality. You and your siblings need to plan now for her future care. There is a lot that can cause her to disqualify for Medicaid, and this would be a bad spot for you and your family (and your mom) to be in. It is worth the investment and some attorneys don't charge for the first appointment.
Teepa Snow has some very informative videos on YouTube about ALZ. I think you can learn much from her. It is difficult to take the hurt from a mother when it is actually the ALZ talking. I wish you much wisdom, clarity and peace in your heart as you work to help the both of you so that you don't burn out.
TBH I'm surprised your mom has a job as a file clerk with Alz that is bad enough that she has to live with you and has paranoid thoughts that don't align with reality. And your worried the lawyers at her work might take the accusations seriously?
When was your mom diagnosed with Alz? It might be appropriate to inform her employer she has Alz and to give them a heads up on the unfounded accusations.
Also don't listen to your siblings criticism, just calmly ask them when are they taking THEIR mother to pitch in for the care she needs?? Tell them she needs to go visit them for an extended period of time, as in she can move in with them. See how they like her accusations.
BTW- if she works at a law project I'm sure there is a notary around. Your mom is deliberately not getting the paperwork finished. Tell her if she doesn't want to give you any authority to act in her best interest than she needs to find another place to live.
I want you to know that these accusations are very very common and the elders can be quiet convincing to someone who really doesn’t understand your mother’s condition. Additionally it’s very common for siblings to turn on one another when the parent is stirring the pot. Anything that didn’t get resolved in childhood is sure to reappear. So I say this not to take away from the significant stress and potential for harm that you have identified but for you to know that you are not alone. Please learn all you can about Alz and please take extreme care of yourself. It is very easy to lose it without ANY provocation when we are burned out. A therapist, diet, exercise whatever you can do to feel better. Come here to vent. It’s a safe place.
Give feedback to suggestions so you will get answers more tailored to your situation if you feel these are missing the mark. We care and love to know when our comments help.
a few years ago, my mom was losing quite a few things. She lost costume jewelry, clothing, really nothing of great value, maybe one item was worth anything.
mom went as far as making accusations as well, only she thought more that my husband was doing the stealing. I would ask mom if she thought my husband would look good in her black stretchie pants or if she thinks he’s been dressing drag lately that I haven’t noticed.
my mom lives downstairs and keeps all locks on her doors inside and my husband don’t even have keys to her apartment, I do. He lost his a while back and had no need to replace them.
my mom used to think we were always talking about her, the items she thought was stolen, the numerous locks dangling from all her bedroom doors, closets..... etc. (talk about paranoia).
when people aren’t aware of their illness, like a few years back, we knew something was very wrong. But, the doc would draw a clock and mom would answer a few questions, doc said she’s just fine, no dementia of the sort. We knew different.
we had concern about these accusations, but when mom would make such accusations around people, we laughed and joked about it so others would chuckle and realize what mom was saying was really not true, especially when mom would find most of her stuff later on. Even now, her house phone, cell, remote controls, keys, etc. are always missing. Why on earth would we steal these, especially, her remotes? Lol
in time, the paranoia got better but other stuff got worse, her walking, forgetting to shut stove off, burning food, cant possibly get ready on time for appointments, things that could hurt her, more serious stuff. I think these things come in different stages of the disease process.
sure, at first when people hear stories of things missing they may think mom is really missing things and possibly she’s right about someone steeling from her. But as they get to know mom better, they know deep down something is off. Especially, when they get to know us better too. They realize we’re not so bad after all.
I truly don’t believe this is a racial issue. I think this is a terribly aggressive disease process. We’re both white. This disease is relentless.
I truly think with the diagnosis of even mid stage dementia, people would understand many mistakes or misunderstandings will be made, even accusations.
If you have a friend or family member you can confide in, just in case you need in future to witness (to have your back), maybe the person or persons can also write things down and back up what you say is true. Even better, if it’s a mutual friend that has noticed changes in mom. Just a thought.
Stay strong.