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You need to hire some caregivers and put a lockbox on the front door so help can let themselves in. In the event rescue is called you can give them the lockbox code.

Find a doctor who will see her at home. There are businesses that provide this.

Set up cameras in her townhouse to monitor her.

If she will not compromise and move this is all that is left until she needs assisted living.
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Beatty Apr 2023
With respect, I disagree.

Mother is independant, yes?

So Mother needs to hire her own caregivers.
Mother needs to arrange a key-safe box.
Mother can make her own Doctor appointment (telehealth if preferred).
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I'm so sorry for you.

Don't bother trying to get her to move closer to you. It won't happen unless there is a major change in her life where she realizes that she has to get help from outside resources. Nothing is going to satisfy her like her current home. Now if she was grumbling about her current home, you could suggest she move. However, as long as she is "happy" at her current home and in her current circumstances, she will not move or make the change.

Also, don't even think about watching your mother while you take care of your Grandson. Your Grandson needs your undivided attention and there will be many, many times when both he and your Mom will want your attention at the same time ("when it rains, it pours")

I think you need to have a sit down written contract with your Mom. Included in it will be how to let emergency people into her home if she is unable to get to the door. Also ensure that you know where her POA is and her Medical Directive. Also guidelines on who should be called for what situation. Yes, it is easier if your Mom called you all the time, however, not letting in people to help her is inexcusable after calling for help. Also, how does she know who are the "authorized" people you called to help her? What happens if you are not reachable (like on a plane)?

Stubborn usually goes with "narcissistic and self-entitled". Therefore, protect yourself.

Best wishes.
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Michelew: Sadly, your mother's stubbornness is going to backfire on her. Ergo, she sent the EMT away and ended up much worse for the wear as a result! Perhaps she requires managed care facility living.
I do not advocate that she move in with you. I moved in with my mother ten hours away from me and it was an undesirable task, to put it mildly.
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"I need to have her move.."

I'll rephrase slightly as I see it: You WANT to make her move. For valid reasons - so you can help care for her. But Mother does not see this or agree.

Mother has the right NOT to move. It's her life.

However, you can CHOOSE what YOU do: how & when you help her.

More rephrasing.
"I just had to drive there because she has C-Diff and clean her up and call an ambulance because she couldn’t get out of bed by herself".

How did you know this from your home? Did Mother call you? You could have chosen differently, right? Calling EMS from your home was an option too - you choose to go (as many of us would).. but you choose to go.

"I cannot go back and forth".
Tell Mom this.

Advice Mom to get a falls alarm (if she falls), a key-safe box (to let EMS in) & in-home help as she needs it.

She may choose not to for long while yet (but even the truly stubborn eventually change their mind).
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My first MIL moved from London to Adelaide South Australia when she was 80, bought her own house, and lived in it (with a little daily care) until she was 93, when she went to a NH. If she had been told at age 84 that she should sell her house, move into care, blah blah blah, she would have freaked! And she wasn't interested in being told what to do by anyone.
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My parents were living 800 miles from me and not doing well. Mom has mobility issues and hasn't been to a doctor in 30+ years. Dad is in early stages of dementia, diagnosed about 2-1/2 years ago. I went through getting them to give me DPOA, having them update their wills and living wills, etc. about 3 years ago.

At my suggestion, they moved to 5 minutes from me about a year ago. I found the house -- and my mom has very exacting specifications that I had nightmares about. I drove them up here and moved them in. I see them 2-3X per week. I pay their bills, arrange for handyman, to get things fixed, do their taxes, drive my dad to the dr. I haven't written it out like a contract, but there are certain things I am and am not willing to do. I have checked out all kinds of asst living, SNF, continuum of care, adult day care, aides, aging advisors. My mom does not want any of that, though she has accepted a cleaning service. If -- when -- a crisis occurs, I will have to leap into action.

It's still hard and there are lots of things that come up that seem like gray areas on my willing/not willing to do list.

You have gotten a lot of good advice, and even though some of it contradicts others, I kind of agree with it all. Whatever the outcome, you have got to set boundaries and not feel guilty about that and about doing what you want with your life. It's hard to do a "good job" or be a "good daughter" when no matter what, she is going to continue to age and then pass away. She is going to lose control. You can't fix that. I am trying to let go of my own desire/need to put in place what I think they should do. I think I have been offering all these ideas in trying to managing my own anxiety about it all. But stopping with the suggestions has actually made our relationship better. Just offering this in case it rings any bells for you.
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Then you stop running over to help her. Why should she move when she has you at her beck and call? I am 88 years, I had a stroke. I sold my 3 bedroom 2 bathroom home to move into a 600 foot apartment so my daughter would have some peace of mind. As long as you enable her, she has no reason to move. If things get too bad, ,report her as an at risk adult or whatever they call it. Be prepared, they may do nothing, beause she has the right to live as dirty as she wants to.
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