My mother is 84, lives alone an hour and forty minutes from me. She refuses to move closer. Any suggestions?

Then you stop running over to help her. Why should she move when she has you at her beck and call? I am 88 years, I had a stroke. I sold my 3 bedroom 2 bathroom home to move into a 600 foot apartment so my daughter would have some peace of mind. As long as you enable her, she has no reason to move. If things get too bad, ,report her as an at risk adult or whatever they call it. Be prepared, they may do nothing, beause she has the right to live as dirty as she wants to.

My parents were living 800 miles from me and not doing well. Mom has mobility issues and hasn't been to a doctor in 30+ years. Dad is in early stages of dementia, diagnosed about 2-1/2 years ago. I went through getting them to give me DPOA, having them update their wills and living wills, etc. about 3 years ago.

At my suggestion, they moved to 5 minutes from me about a year ago. I found the house -- and my mom has very exacting specifications that I had nightmares about. I drove them up here and moved them in. I see them 2-3X per week. I pay their bills, arrange for handyman, to get things fixed, do their taxes, drive my dad to the dr. I haven't written it out like a contract, but there are certain things I am and am not willing to do. I have checked out all kinds of asst living, SNF, continuum of care, adult day care, aides, aging advisors. My mom does not want any of that, though she has accepted a cleaning service. If -- when -- a crisis occurs, I will have to leap into action.

It's still hard and there are lots of things that come up that seem like gray areas on my willing/not willing to do list.

You have gotten a lot of good advice, and even though some of it contradicts others, I kind of agree with it all. Whatever the outcome, you have got to set boundaries and not feel guilty about that and about doing what you want with your life. It's hard to do a "good job" or be a "good daughter" when no matter what, she is going to continue to age and then pass away. She is going to lose control. You can't fix that. I am trying to let go of my own desire/need to put in place what I think they should do. I think I have been offering all these ideas in trying to managing my own anxiety about it all. But stopping with the suggestions has actually made our relationship better. Just offering this in case it rings any bells for you.

My first MIL moved from London to Adelaide South Australia when she was 80, bought her own house, and lived in it (with a little daily care) until she was 93, when she went to a NH. If she had been told at age 84 that she should sell her house, move into care, blah blah blah, she would have freaked! And she wasn't interested in being told what to do by anyone.

"I need to have her move.."

I'll rephrase slightly as I see it: You WANT to make her move. For valid reasons - so you can help care for her. But Mother does not see this or agree.

Mother has the right NOT to move. It's her life.

However, you can CHOOSE what YOU do: how & when you help her.

More rephrasing.
"I just had to drive there because she has C-Diff and clean her up and call an ambulance because she couldn’t get out of bed by herself".

How did you know this from your home? Did Mother call you? You could have chosen differently, right? Calling EMS from your home was an option too - you choose to go (as many of us would).. but you choose to go.

"I cannot go back and forth".
Tell Mom this.

Advice Mom to get a falls alarm (if she falls), a key-safe box (to let EMS in) & in-home help as she needs it.

She may choose not to for long while yet (but even the truly stubborn eventually change their mind).

Michelew: Sadly, your mother's stubbornness is going to backfire on her. Ergo, she sent the EMT away and ended up much worse for the wear as a result! Perhaps she requires managed care facility living.
I do not advocate that she move in with you. I moved in with my mother ten hours away from me and it was an undesirable task, to put it mildly.

I'm so sorry for you.

Don't bother trying to get her to move closer to you. It won't happen unless there is a major change in her life where she realizes that she has to get help from outside resources. Nothing is going to satisfy her like her current home. Now if she was grumbling about her current home, you could suggest she move. However, as long as she is "happy" at her current home and in her current circumstances, she will not move or make the change.

Also, don't even think about watching your mother while you take care of your Grandson. Your Grandson needs your undivided attention and there will be many, many times when both he and your Mom will want your attention at the same time ("when it rains, it pours")

I think you need to have a sit down written contract with your Mom. Included in it will be how to let emergency people into her home if she is unable to get to the door. Also ensure that you know where her POA is and her Medical Directive. Also guidelines on who should be called for what situation. Yes, it is easier if your Mom called you all the time, however, not letting in people to help her is inexcusable after calling for help. Also, how does she know who are the "authorized" people you called to help her? What happens if you are not reachable (like on a plane)?

Stubborn usually goes with "narcissistic and self-entitled". Therefore, protect yourself.

Best wishes.

You need to hire some caregivers and put a lockbox on the front door so help can let themselves in. In the event rescue is called you can give them the lockbox code.

Find a doctor who will see her at home. There are businesses that provide this.

Set up cameras in her townhouse to monitor her.

If she will not compromise and move this is all that is left until she needs assisted living.

I am sorry for what you are going through. Has your mother been diagnosed with any mental problems? Do you have Power of Attorney in case of emergencies? Or does she have a Living Will? You stated your mother has no money, how is she taking care of things now?
So, my suggestions, speak to your mothers doctor, and explain the situation and get any kind of diagnoses for what is going on. Get the Power of Attorney and a Living Will done in case of emergencies, hopefully you have these and/or can convince her to do this. When your Aunt visited she should have called the police for a welfare check. They would have gained entrance to the home and checked out the situation.
You can also check in your area and see if there are any restricted income apartments. They are usually less rent. Until you may get her moved, you could also see if you could find any person in her area that could check on her every day, by calling or visiting. If she has any neighbors that she has been friendly with, or any friends. I am in a restricted income apartment and it is a very nice apartment.
It is a shame and this really upsets me because I am 70 and I have had a pacemaker installed. My daughter & I want to rent a house together but our credit scores are just under 600 and we need a 4-5 bedroom home, she has 3 kids! And we just can't find a place! She lives about 45 minutes from me, so not so bad - but still! But I have already made out Power of Attorney and Living Will just in case I cannot make decisions for myself. These things need to be done at all times of life. We never know when things may happen to us! One day I was fine and the next moment I had a total heart block and could have died at 69. After 6 days in hospital I had to wear a Zoll Life Vest for 3 months. I could not work or drive! I live alone but they required me to have a person present when I showered because of removing the life vest.
Talk to your mother, maybe tell her how much fun it could be for you both to live either together or closer. Like when you take the Grandbaby to the park, Mom can go to and see her Great Grandbaby grow! You could go to lunch together. You have to make her want to be closer to you. Good Luck!
Please do not listen to these other people who say to move farther away and other negative stuff. She is your mother and evidently you care for her, and vice versa.

I thought I’d put this a slightly different way.

M is 84. She loves her house, and she knows her way around it almost automatically. Most of the time, she is OK there. She really really doesn’t want to move. She just wants it to be possible to stay there.

Instead of telling her that she HAS to move, give her at least one alternative. It’s that she has a list of agencies that she can call when she needs help, and she has cameras installed through the house so that you can see if she is OK. If she’s not OK, then YOU call the agencies. Your visits are social because you love her, not for unpaid labor. She continues to spend more than her income, so if and when she cannot avoid moving into a facility, it may be Medicaid standard.

It is actually her right to do this – and probably to hope that she dies in her sleep before the crunch comes. If it’s her choice, you both live with it. Talk it through with her, put it in writing to follow up, and keep copies of the written advice.

It’s possible that she will choose this option. Even possible that she will start to consider alternatives herself. It's better than bashing your head against a brick wall, and making you both miserable.

She requires a facility and hopefully closer to her income range, either in her area or closer to you.

If she refuses to visit Assisted Living facilities in your area, please contact Adult Protective Services to have her evaluated for placement in Assisted Living and, perhaps looking at her needs if you stop coming altogether. Let them know that she will not have anyone to care for her.

You are in a tough spot, but first step would be to consult an ElderCare attorney and level with him/her....What does the lawyer say that you MUST have in order to make your own life liveable: POA for person and Estate? (probably, as that way you could oversee her finances) Extra hired helper once or twice per week? (Can you or she afford that?) Your own name placed on her accounts? Help from her Primary Care Dr. to persuade her to have Assisted Living Center (if she can afford it )?
See an Elder Care attorney as it's a worthwhile investment for you right now. Please do not move your mother in with you at your family home.

My sense is that with a narcissistic person / parent, you need to 'take charge,' as best you can. You may start with being / gaining legal authority as much as you can, ie become her POA.
- Even being a narcissistic, she is frightened. In fact, the psychological disorder may be, in part, DUE to her fears - long long ago established. People create strategies for survival although (often) those strategies are not necessarily in our / their best interest. Those strategies need to be replaced with ones that work ... however, she likely is 'too mature' to go through a psychological consciousness changing path. She is stuck psychologically where she is.

* Clearly, she is on a downward spiral if there is no intervention / care, this will continue to be to her detriment / well-being.

You are very kind to want to do whatever you can for her. I sense change for her will continue to be very difficult. No one likes change or feeling they are losing their independence (and they are, although it is more than 'just' a feeling).
I believe it is especially more difficult for
1) a narcissistic personality and
2) dementia inflicted, or
3) a combination of both.

* I would caution you to 'give in' to her domineering / narcissistic ways as she needs guidance, 'rules,' and boundaries. If you do not have any legal authority, you will be at a disadvantage to providing the care she needs.

* In addition, you need to get control of her finances based on what you say.

- If you are not on her accounts (with her), do this if you can.
- If you can, set limits on her (daily) spending, putting limits on what she can spend.
- If you do not or are unable to help her with her finances, she will suffer as time goes on - spending / wasting her money.
- Does she have investment accounts, CDs? Who manages these. Certainly she cannot do it.

* Perhaps hire a geriatric case manager (many are licensed social workers) if you feel you need professional support / guidance.

- I figure she will overwhelm and/or make mince meat (sorry for this analogy) of your 'new' grandson. He doesn't have the experience necessary to really help her, i.e., setting boundaries. She will end up telling him what to do, what she needs. Although I applaud him for being willing to take this on.

- It is challenging for any of us, with years or decades of experience to deal with a narcissistic personality, it will be much more difficult for a young person. Of course, I do not know him or his background/age. Mother needs boundary setting and she will 'kick and scream' - he'll likely not know what to do - this is how she has LEARNED how to get her own way - likely all her life.

* See an attorney to learn of what you can / could do to mange aspects of her life, including when she is medically diagnosed as being incapable of managing her life - both financially and otherwise. She will need a person in this position at some point, if not now.

* With all this said about boundaries and taking legal control as you can, it is EQUALLY important to allow her to express her feelings and that she knows you hear here / are listening. Do reflective listening:

"I hear you saying XXX" - then change the subject or say, yes, and we need to do XXX, too". You want her to feel validated and in control of her life 'her world,' even though she isn't or can't any longer. Do not belabor ... the validating. Do that and move on (you need to be the 'leader of the pack' in dog training language. I LOVE DOGS and training a dog is really teaching the guardian / owner how to 'take charge' and teach the dog what the leader of the pack wants them to do. They do it when they understand who the pack leader is... Clearly, it isn't this cut and dry, although setting boundaries with loving compassion is critically important (for her well being).

Lastly, be sure to put YOURSELF and YOUR health and well-being first - in order to be available / have the energy to deal / manage her / her care

Nooooooo don't move closer. Next time an ER visit happens, let social worker find a placement

She is going to make your life unlivable. Maybe call her doctor and let them know she needs an intervention, if you live in an area where they might care. You need to enjoy your new grandbaby and the demands she will make will not allow that if you let her live with you. She is not accepting her reality and all that aging has taken from her. That does not change those realities.

If she is happy why fight it. I am sure she can get any help she needs. You can always move closer to her if that is important to you.

Does she have dementia? If not, she is entitled to live how she chooses even if it’s not ideal. And even if she has dementia there is only so much you can do unless you are willing to go through the very expensive, emotionally difficult, and time consuming process of becoming her court appointed guardian so you can place her against her will. People are allowed to crash and burn if that is their choice, and even the courts in most states set the bar VERY high to grant guardianship.

YOU are entitled to not be at her beck and call because of the choices she is making. My father is the same, but I know in his case it would impossible to move him near me and I am not uprooting my life to live with him either. I love him, but he is impossible. I live in NYC and he lives in CA. Wayyyy too complicated and he wouldn’t know a soul here but me. Wouldn’t work. He will not consider AL (really he will need memory care soon but I call it AL becasue he doesn’t think he has a memory problem). He will never agree to leave his home and the mere suggestion we give something a “try” illicits screaming and threats of killing himself if he ever has to go into “one of those places”. So, I wait for an event that will trigger placement and do what I can from here. All I can do for now. I fully expect at some point to get a call from the ER or the police saying they have my dad. At that point I will say he lives alone and is unsafe there, and work with them to get him placed. This happened over a year ago when someone called the police because he was “ranting and raving” and they were scared he was having a stroke. But at the time he had not been DX with Alzheimer’s so once he calmed down the doctors and I agreed he should go home. Now that he is dx, if it happens again I will advocate they not send him home. It’s sad and a terrible way to live waiting for a disaster, but so many on this forum are in the same boat. You are not alone.

There are three things I try to live by to get through this:

-Do your best for them from where you are. At the end of the day know you have done everything you can while also preserving your own life and sanity.

-Stubbornness and lack of planning on their part does NOT require you live in a constant state of emergency on your part.

-People who need help need to relocate to where the help is. Not the other way around. That place could be near you, or into a facility. This will happen to all of us eventually.

is there a professional that she will listen too. I think it’s harsh , the opinions of don’t move her near you.. but I would not move her in. Maybe go at it with the angle of now what mom? Ask her what she will do next time , as you are not available…

Your "narcissistic and self-entitled" mother is finally doing something considerate by not moving near you. Say thank you, enjoy your grandson, and have a good life.

I understand that you are worried about Mom, but she doesn't want you to take care of her so don't. For your own peace of mind, set up an emergency system so that you can get care for Mom when needed. That can be a "Life Alert" or similar button or a voice activated phone system (she can yell and it will call if she can't get to the phone). Will she give you medical POA? If not, a HIPPAA waiver? That way you can talk to her doctors and know how she really is without "mothering" her.

If she is generally healthy but ornery, let her get through the C-Diff and get back to her own, independent life. You can't help someone who doesn't want your help and you will drive yourself crazy if you try. Mom is entitled to make her own decisions (even if they are bad ones) and take care of herself if she doesn't want help.

DO NOT HAVE HER MOVE IN!!!

I went through this with my dad. We knew he had dementia but he wouldn’t go to a doctor, wouldn’t even come and stay with me for a visit. Eventually he fell down his stairs and was found by a neighbor 3 days later
near death. During his hospital stay he was formally diagnosed with vascular dementia. Amazingly, he recovered enough to come home with me where he lived almost a year until his death. The whole time he demanded to be taken home, but of course he was too far gone to live alone. Sometimes, it takes a crisis. I’d speak to an elder law attorney about what your next steps might be before it gets to that point.

Call adult protective services and tell them your mom is endangering herself and refuses help from family.

Whatever you do, do not move closer to her. Don't uproot your life to accommodate her unrealistic expectations. You will be miserable.

These kinds of situations are so hard. My dad was the same way, and in some ways still is. I have had to distance myself from him due to those toxic attitudes. It's for each of us to decide what we WILL and WILL NOT put up with. They are family and each of us has our own limits as to what we can or will deal with. Keep in mind that as long as they know they can treat you like crap and get by with it, more than likely things will not change. I truly wish my dad would move closer to us as well. I am in central TEXAS and he's in South Carolina. I have asked several times for him to consider moving here. Like your mom, he refuses to even consider it.

But, honestly if she's in those kind of health conditions it may be time to consider guardianship. Believe me, its not an easy thing to move forward with, but it may be the only way at this point to keep her safe and you sane.

Have a blessed day, and I hope things get better.

Call social services. They can assess her living conditions. Or go to court to get guardianship if she is unsafe.

I had the same situation, my mother was 1.5 hours away in an adult apartment, affordable and her friends and services were nearby. Sometimes she would refuse services and wait for the family, but we could not support her every time she called, we would make an effort, but could not drop our own family and work responsiblities for her care everytime she needed it. It started slowly but did start to get more frequent as her health declined and her needs changed. You should not feel guilty for her decisions around care, you do have to be clear to her that her choice to refuse help that is available and she has to own this regardless how long it takes you to get there.

She will move when she is ready and it is right for her. We tried to promote a seniors facility close to us, and this situation she absolutely refused, I am not sure why, it was in her budget, gave her independance and had many services included. When she moved to the apartment she absolutely had to have in home washing, and this took some time to find. In the end she moved closer as we turned the separate apartment in our home to her living space, made some changes and then arranged for PSW support for her other needs, food prep and driving to appointments, etc, this she said worked for her. It is important to note, we did change our situation by her moving closer, we did not become her medical support team, nurse, companion or cleaner, we are just closer to help.

Perhaps you can help find a place that is to her must have requirements nearby, whatever they are, or a place that you can modify. We also had to change the floors for safety reasons after her move, and do some reno on the kitchen. As people age, the standards for living at home change. So you might find something that is close, that you can add to that meets her needs.

Simpler than you may realize: let her stay there & hire HER OWN help! You don’t have to “move” because she won’t!

Don't move her closer to you. Stop running there when she has a crisis. Call 911 or APS, etc.

I have grandkids that I help with and that is my priority. My mom would love a lot more visits, etc. in AL but I'm not willing to do it. I know she is not happy but life with dementia and RA is not a very happy life. It's just the way it is.

NO, you don't want her living near you or with you. Babysit your grandson. Believe me, it will be a lot easier than caring for your Mom. And you will have a nice strong bond with him. I only had 20 months with my GS but it formed a bond. I had to take my Mom in but it was never to be permament. I had her 20 months waiting for her house to sell, it didn't. I took what money she had and placed her in an AL, house still did not sell, so eventually money ran out and I applied for Medicaid and a LTC facility.

Its no longer what Mom wants, its what she needs. If she needs to stay in skilled nursing fir her Cdiff, then thats where she goes. If found she needs 24/7 care, then she gets place where she can afford it. You do not want to take her on. She sounds like trouble to me. Enjoy you grand.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

My dad had an expression when I was growing up. He said, “God helps those who help themselves.”

I didn’t understand what he meant by that expression. I said to him, “Daddy, I don’t understand what you are saying to me. If I help myself then why do I need God?”

His answer was, “He will help you but you will need to do your part. He won’t do everything for you.”

I never forgot that expression. Whether someone believes in God or not, this principle still applies. If we don’t do our part, nothing will change.

Your mom is definitely not doing her part to improve her life. Not only that, she is dragging you down with her. Do your part now and don’t allow her to drag you down. This will force her to act responsibly or suffer the consequences.

I know that you don’t want her to suffer the consequences. I wouldn’t either but even when you drive to her home and you call for help, she doesn’t cooperate with you. So, you have a ‘Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.’ situation here. You can’t win either way.

You have a precious grandchild who is growing up fast. Please take time to cherish that new life.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.

I’d say you’re lucky. She lives far away and refuses to move close to you!

That sets the perfect stage for her to decide to find an assisted living facility near where she is now. They’ll take care of her and you can spend time with your beloved grandson.

If this demanding narcissist moves anywhere near you, you’ll be miserable within a few months. Her health will deteriorate and you’ll be on the hook to manage her whole life, for which she is not taking responsibility even now. Moving her in with you is not an option. You’d die before she would.

”But what will she do without my help?”

Her circus, her monkeys. Your grandchild, your happiness. Plus it’s easier to change a baby’s diapers than an elderly sick woman’s.