Hi all. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this. Like many, many others here, I'm at my wit's end. I know all the advice about powers of attorney (not happening) and guardianships/conservatorships.
I'm trying to do all this on my own, siblings won't get within 100 miles of mom and all the problems. I say dementia but I mean "dementia-like symptoms". She's currently moved out of my house into another family member's, claiming I kicked her out (She left when I wasn't at home and told the neighbor it was an emergency, He took her to the other residence) Half the family believes I really did that, which is hard on me after all I've done to shield them from her.
I'm currently seeing a lawyer in an attempt to get a guardianship to try to protect her and her property, which is currently being robbed (literally) from her by residents of where she is now. Thousands of dollars have gone missing from her bank account in the short time she's been there. The neighbor I mentioned is also part of the problem. He knows her mental condition and is trying to take advantage to buy her property (at a greatly reduced price, of course)
So far I've reported this financial exploitation to the police and DHR. Didn't help. They said I'm not the victim, and they need a complaint from her. Yeah.
So I talked to an attorney. He needs a diagnosis from a doctor. She has never been diagnosed as incompetent (for the same reason I haven't been diagnosed with a rare blood disorder. No doctor has ever been asked to check for that.) I tried to talk to her doctor about it but he said doctor/patient privilege prevents him from telling me anything about any condition she may or may not have.
In my county, there's a "County Mental Health Officer". He has met with my mom before and has determined that she doesn't "meet the criteria" (and he refuses to tell me what that is, simply that she doesn't meet it) for an involuntary evaluation.
The problem is, he's a "gatekeeper" between ANYBODY (DHR, family, the police, anybody) and the probate judge, who orders the involuntary evaluation. The police have asked him before about getting her an evaluation, nope. I've asked him several times over the last year, nope. DHR wanted to get her evaluated, nope. They all were told no by him and he's told me no.
The case worker at DHR pointed out to me that it may not be dementia at all, but some mental disease. But how to find out what that is? Who knows?
She will not voluntarily go to a doctor, and the Mental Health Officer refuses to have her involuntarily evaluated. One would think that going ahead with the guardianship would be the only choice but the attorney tells me that this particular probate judge wants an evaluation first.
So it's a "chicken or the egg" situation. He won't send her to be evaluated because she hasn't been evaluated. It makes zero sense.
To be clear, I'm huge on personal rights. I have personal rights and I like my rights. I realize my mother, despite her condition, has rights. NOBODY wants to step on her rights. But I'm trying to help a person that says they don't need help. In my opinion, with her behavior and the things she says and does, then claiming that's not a problem is a HUGE indication that she does in fact need help.
The police have seen it, DHR has seen it, doctors and nurses have seen it, (for one tiny example, she was in the hospital for a broken hip and they called me and said I had to intervene because she was accusing the nurses of trying to poison her and the doctor of trying to "cut her all to pieces" and kill her) All I could say was "Do the best you can with her, that's what I do."
My point is that it's not just one single person (namely me) who has experienced the terror that is my mom.
She will absolutely not agree to a power of attorney. She refuses to sign anything at all. Does anyone have an idea about where to go from here?
Stay away; bow out; move on with your life.
It sounds like this is all going NOWHERE and I think you should be happy.
If that attorney was honest with you then guardianship will cost a minimum of about 10,000.
Moreover, if you should WIN you cannot ever quit. The only way to resign guardianship is through a judge and even if you are ILL they won't allow you to resign.
Now add to this miserable stew the fact that operating as guardian for a demented and uncooperative person is a bloody nightmare.
This is all a mistake. She doesn't want you care. They have refused to 5150 her for diagnosis because she doesn't meet the criteria. It doesn't matter WHAT that consists of because almost no court in the land will take a citizen's sovereign rights from him or her. They are loathe to do so. You would need more than a few doctors to examine for neuro-psyc consult.
Move on. It's her money. It's her choice. It's her life, and in truth she has HAD HER LIFE. Do not throw your own life on her burning funeral pyre. I have been on Forum for 5 years. It doesn't work out well. You also would be hounded through the nine circles of Hades by this family who would draw you in court to examine your records every 5 minutes.
My advice? Move 1,000 miles away. And I mean that.
Now you are an adult. You can and must and WILL make your own decision. I can ony wish you the best of luck.
Even if you did get guardianship... what do you think will change? You still won't be able to physically force an uncooperative adult into a doctor's office, a bank, to take meds, go to a facility, etc. The only thing that would be an opportunity w/guardianship is if she went to the ER for some reason and at that point she can go into the psych wing until she complies with meds for whatever is her dominant issue (agitation, anxiety). From there she can be transitioned into appropriate facility care.
Do you really want to handle this hot potato? If your Mom was sort of like this all along... the answer should probably be no.
Or, are you thinking she'd go back to living with you? Heck no.
Cease striving!
Maybe put all that great energy into something that has a chance of yielding positive results.
If you end up with your mom back at your door in a year or two you’ll be in a better place to help - if you so choose.
*I think they were doing a little "cover your a**. My state passed a law in 2016 requiring banks to report suspicious activity on accounts, specifically elderly account holders (the law is closely related to several "elder abuse" laws) but they did not report it. When I reported it to DHR and the police detective, they were told by the bank that they were only required to close her account, open a new one, transfer the funds, and issue a new card and checkbook for that account, which they did. By law, that is NOT their only requirement. They failed to report the activity that caused them to close the account. Bottom line: The bank is not helping.