Need confirmation I am doing the right thing. Thoughts?

You cannot sell a car if you are not on the title; you say that you ARE on the title, so perhaps you can. I would check all your facts with the DMV and if they OK this as a legal transaction I think it is the right move. It is best you remove this car however that is done, so your mom cannot use it.

Actually, you can sell the car if you're not on the title if you have POA and the parent is deemed incompetent, which it sounds like the OP's mom is. I recently sold my father's car after he had to go into SNF due to progressed Parkinson's with dementia. I am POA and did it all legally, according to my attorney. I just had to get the title notarized, and I sold the also very low-mileage car to my cousin, and right on time to use the funds to pay for my dad's SNF care.

Yes, my POA gave me the permission to sell and that was an immediate POA.

I think what your doing is fine. We need to tell little fibs when dealing with someone with a Dementia. The car needs to be out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. Mom will eventually forget she had a car.

Sometimes, a white lie is needed to care properly for our loved ones.

The lie is a bit elaborate imo. Instead of a simple, can cousin keep the car at her house to use, as her's is no longer working well? Now that you have conspired the lie with cousin.

My family was super dysfunctional, so if I ever were to do a white lie, I would not include anyone else in the lie. All too often, they will throw you under the bus to side with Mom.

When it comes up, tell Mom that you sold her car because: TRUTH:
"She failed the DMV test and no longer has a license."

In any case, keeping her from driving is doing the right thing, anyway you can get it done.

You can soften the change in status by offering to drive her on a regular schedule. It is a difficult time for the elderly, these changes.

You are doing the right thing.

You are doing the moral thing.

You are doing the adult thing.

You are doing the humane and compassionate thing.

You are not “lying”. You are entering your mother’s damaged sense of “truth”.

She may have the anticipated fit or may not. Her “fit” is not germane to your decision.

Take care of yourself, too.

Yes, you're absolutely doing the right thing, and honestly, with the car out of sight it way well just disappear from her mind, too. Don't bring it up unless she does, and the white lie may not even be necessary.

Yes, you're doing the right thing b/c you're selling a useless car that mom can no longer drive & applying that money towards her in-home care. Applying rules of normalcy & moral behaviors to dementia makes NO sense at all, and those who do such things cause me to shake my head in confusion. Dementia forces us to make decisions on behalf of our loved ones that cause US grief b/c we insist on 'not lying' to them which causes even MORE grief for all involved. For instance, my mother was continuously asking where her dead relatives were? Should I have told her repeatedly, 100x a day that they were all dead & buried, causing her even MORE grief and upset? No, of course not. So I'd tell her they were busy or at the store or otherwise occupied. Yet there are people here who say that 'lying is wrong' and we should always be 100% 'honest' with demented elders! Which is pure nonsense. We do what we have to do to keep them CALM and safe, that's what we do.

So sell mom's car and tell her whatever story you need to tell her to keep her calm in the moment. If she has a fit, so be it. Tell her you'll buy her another car if and when the doctor says she has a clean bill of health and when the DMV gives her her license back. Repeat as necessary. You're not a bad little girl lying to your mommy. Mom is a sick old woman with a disease that's lying to HER, telling her she's fine and perfectly capable of driving a motor vehicle, and that's the lie!

Good luck!

The alternative is worse. The deer is conveniently dead. The story is a good one. And next week or month or year you’ll have to make up another story about something else and she will have forgotten about the car. Deer me!

Not only are you doing the right thing for your mother you are saving the lives of other drivers who may be on the road if your mother decided to drive the car. As for selling the car I think your story sounds perfect and quite frankly by the time you sell it and she sees you again she’ll probably forget all about it. Out of sight out of mind especially if she has dementia unfortunately I had to do the same with my husband’s truck he was upset at first that he couldn’t drive but eventually he forgot all about it the only problem was I had to keep hiding my purse so that he could not get a hold of my keys. Good luck

You're doing the right thing. My mother gave her almost new car away to a neighbor before I could step in and have her declared incompetent. That said, her doing that was evidence that she was no longer capable of managing her own affairs.

Disable the car so your mother cannot use it, so she cannot place herself and others on the road at risk while looking into help to sell the vehicle.

In my mother's case at age 93, we were lucky that she finally decided to sell her car after 5 years of family concerns about operating her car safely. As said in previous posts, her car required safety repairs she would no pay for. She had been without a valid license for over four years because one Kaiser doctor reported her heart condition to the DMV. She failed to pass her DMV driving test, got very angry and blamed Kaiser and everyone who told her she had to stop driving after 60 years! She even talked to me about getting herself another car with her suspended license! I told her to get a professional driving permit evaluation that she never did because she no longer had the strength to even walk with her walker to a car without my assistance, so there was nothing I could say. It was her bipolar mental illness, not our family's or my fault.

Doing the same thing for my BIL who has dementia and was told he can't drive anymore. So I had him sign the title but didn't date it so I could sell it to his niece. The excuse we are using is since you can't drive right now we need to transfer it to her so that we can get insurance on it and have it registered. We also told him once he gets his license back we will transfer it back to you. Another excuse is once you get your license back we can get you another vehicle you have the money to get it, yours right now is rusting out(which his is). I have to keep a record because he is on medicaid and the clause in it says did you sell anything in the last 5 yrs. But as long as you use it for their care you are fine.

Prayers.

You are doing the right thing. Hope you have a POA that gives you full rights to sell her property and to handle on your own the conveyance of the title to another. Ditto for cancelling the auto insurance and returning of the tags to your State DMV.

Had a similar situation with my mom, 84 at the time, with dementia and basically not able to walk (much less have strength and coordination to hit the right pedal -- brake -- when needed). The car sat in the garage, battery died from no driving.

When the auto insurance bill arrived, I used that as a "why pay this huge bill" for auto insurance when the car won't start? And the care likely needs lots of work, more money down the drain mom. And I drive you to all your doc appointments and your brother takes you out to shop or to lunch/dinner. Why waste all this money on a car stuck in the garage. PS the car was 15 years old, w/over 100K miles -- in relatively good shape except for the dead battery and all the "fender bender" dents (she could not see well).....

I suggested we "gift" the car to a cousin is an auto mechanic. Said he can likely fix it on the cheap and he needs a car but everything is so expensive now. So if he can just buy the parts (he is a mechanic), he can fix it and have a car without having to take out a huge car loan. He'll save money and you'll save money by not having to pay that insurance bill again.....

She agreed. YES a bit of "white lies" but I would have felt much, much more guilt if she got behind the wheel (assuming I helped her get a new battery) and then she killed someone on the road!

Safety First!

My input is to do what you need to do but tell your mother the truth. I think that she deserves that much.

And let her get mad - you can't be responsible for someone else's feelings. You're doing the right thing. Just don't lie to her.

We did something similar with my grandfather. We told him that we loaned it to his daughter in law. After 2 weeks he forgot he had a vehicle. Your mom may not be at that point though. I am sorry if this offends but everyone "deserves" the truth, however the reality is for your sanity lying becomes your friend unless you want all out hell to break loose. Do what you feel is best for your mom and don't think another thing about it. Now that my mom has Alzheimers I have learned to be whatever my mom needs in the moment. That is what is best for her.

I feel the truth is always best, even if you have to stretch. Before you “lie”, consider how many people will be aware of the truth but not be aware of the “lie” because there may be worse consequences if the truth gets back to her.

Here is a good example… we bought our home after the former owners moved to AL/NH due to the wife’s dementia. Their daughter handled everything without any intentions of letting them know she was selling it to help with their expenses. Without knowing the details, a well meaning neighbor visited them and shared that a very nice couple had moved into their old house. The husband became very upset because his daughter had let strangers move into their home because he was not even aware it had been on the market for over a year.

When everyone decided my father no longer should drive, we bought the car from him and made payments into his bank account that he (and everyone else) could see each month. It pleased him to see his car being put to good use. Maybe a relative or a friend would be interested, remind her the car is deteriorating just sitting in the garage. Emphasize the financial benefit to keep her at home.

So, just be careful the “lie” does not have similar consequences.

Absolutely. Those da*n 🦌.
(I too had one run into me and go up over the windshield. Brand new car. I got out to drag its lifeless body off the road--except it was bounding away with its friends. Only very minor damage. Some day you win. )

You are lucky that she seems to be willing to stop driving “until she gets her license back”. No such luck with my father and we can’t keep him out of his car. I’m 3000 miles away and there isn’t much I can do. We hid the keys and he just went out and bought a new car. Nightmare.

I sold my husband’s truck months ago. He has made my life a living h*ll since then over it. Would I do it again? Yes. I’ve told him various reasons why the truck was gone. Each one sets him off, so I’ve just settled on telling him the truth. He hasn’t driven in almost a year & I rode with him then. It was quite alarming. I did the right thing & can sleep at night…when he lets me. Oddly enough, he expects me to chauffeur him everywhere & never mentions driving even though we still have a car.

You are doing the right thing! Your are protecting your Mom's life and the lives of others by keeping her out of that car. And the cherry on the cake is that you will get top dollar for it now that the supply is so low. You can use that money towards your Mom's care and some other things to keep her safe and happy.

Since she is not likely to get her license back anyway, can't you day your cousin is using the car until your mother needs it back? If your mother ever really did "need it back," you could help her buy a " safer" car to use going forward. Maybe something like that could help you deal with removing the car without having to lie about it.

Hi yes you are. Almost the same thing happened to me. It’s called a therapeutic lie and benefits all including the innocent others on the road.

My therapeutic lie continues. Now I can’t get her to have her cataract surgery so I said if you get your surgery you can go get your license back. It’s all for the good of trying to help parents with dementia do the right things. Best to you.

You are doing the right thing. Her safety and the safety of others is at risk if you give in to her wishes to drive again. I did the same thing and reported my mom to the BMV and then sold her car.

It has to be done....

Your moms safety is the issue! How you get there be it lies, which do not hurt her. She needs to be safe and if a lie works... do it! I lied to my Daddy several times but he was safe and he lived five years without driving. Just tell her what she needs to hear, be it a deer hit the car or the tires are not good. Also, you can change the subject.

Do not take it to the dealer!!!! NOOO!!! They will see the car has low milage/sat and come up with all sorts of things to fix. If you are a woman, your a sitting duck for them. Will charge you an arm and a leg. Dont take it to dealer, unless there are recalls. Take it to a reputable local car shop. You can ask on next door app and local people will tell you where they go and who they trust won't rip them off. We got 2 really good shops to go that way.
I took my mom's car that was sitting to a dealership just for a recall replacement. Mechanic wanted to charge me $3ooo for all sorts of things!!!! I can take it to a local shop for half that, probably less.
Mechanic from dealership called me and told me he is so nice, he'll give me a discount and only charge 3k to replace things on car. After I said no, I couldn't get anyone to call me back from the dealership. They were done with me. I tried several times. I had a question. I just went back and got it. Their niceness was over. I didn't fall for it. You only take a car to dealerships for recalls, under warranty, or a problem with a new car.
I took my dad's car to a diff dealership for several recalls. Car had been sitting. They replaced the recalls for free, and when I went to pick up vehicle, told me car was worthless, and ready for the crusher. Showed me pics of half a dinner plate size holes all over frame. I was in shock. Why did they fix the recalls, if vehicle was trashed? Very odd. Kept pushing me hard to buy new vehicle, and they would gladly take vehicle as trade in. Wasn't I lucky they were that generous?! I should thank my lucky stars they were so nice. BIG RED FLAG.
We took vehicle home. We crawled under it, everywhere. Those pics weren't of my vehicle. There were No holes! They lied!!! I took it to local shop. They looked it over really well. Said it was fine. They had seen a lot worse, on the road inspected. Got vehicle inspected. Cost 60 dollars!! Sold for 14k. I reported company to BBB. They did nothing. Do not trust dealerships.
Im taking my mom's car to a local shop to get it fixed.

Also get a car fax when you go to sell it. People will want to see that. It shows how many owners, recalls/fixes, maint. Good to have. I think it's 30 bucks or so. They want to see that online. Just hide address. I sold it thru Facebook market. I got 2 dud buyers who complained the paint was dull due to sitting, and one wanted to give me pennies for it, and told me I should feel greatful for that. Paint can be fixed with buffing and a special paint reviver. They think you won't research these things.
Thank goodness I didn't listen to them. The next buyer was a dream. Don't believe them when they try to tell you vehicle is a mess. They want to drive price down. I did budge a little but it was in line for blue book value and what they were going for.

Keep the car running and put some peppermint on cotton balls in the engine area to keep mice away. The worse thing to do is park a vehicle and let it sit. Mice will take over. Or put a hi pitched noise deterrent in it.
I would sell it while it's still running and inspected. That wat you have that $$ for mom's care. Good luck.

You are doing the right thing. She would be a danger to herself or others. Stop feeling guilty. You wouldnt let a child play with something dangerous. Same with your mom. It is unsafe.

Do not take car to the dealer!!!! NOOO!!! They will see the car has low milage/sat and come up with all sorts of things to fix. If you are a woman, your a sitting duck for them to screw you over. Will charge you an arm and a leg. Dont take it to dealer, unless there are recalls. If there are, only take it to get those fixed. Nothing else. Take it to a reputable local car shop for any fixes.
You can ask on next door app and local people will tell you where they go to get cars fixed, and who they trust won't rip them off. We have 2 really good shops to go that way.
I took my mom's car that was sitting to a dealership just for a recall replacement. Mechanic wanted to charge me $3ooo for all sorts of things!!!! I can take it to a local shop for half that, probably less.
Mechanic from dealership called me and told me he is so nice, he'll give me a big discount and only charge 3k to replace things on car. After I said no, I couldn't get anyone to call me back from the dealership. They were done with me. I tried several times. I had a question. I just went back and got it. Their niceness was over. I didn't fall for it. You only take a car to dealerships for recalls, under warranty, or a problem with a new car.
I took my dad's car to a diff dealership for several recalls. Car had been sitting. They replaced the recalls for free, and when I went to pick up vehicle, told me car was worthless, and ready for the crusher. Showed me pics of half a dinner plate size holes all over frame. I was in shock. Why did they fix the recalls, if vehicle was trashed???? Very odd. Kept pushing me hard to buy new vehicle, and they would gladly take vehicle as trade in of my hands as a favor. Wasn't I lucky they were that generous?! I should thank my lucky stars they were so nice. BIG RED FLAG.
We took vehicle home. We crawled under it, everywhere. I got under the car. Those pics weren't of my vehicle. There were No holes! They lied!!! I took it to local shop. They looked it over really well. Said it was fine. They had seen a lot worse, on the road inspected. Got vehicle inspected. Cost 60 dollars!! Sold for 14k. I reported company to BBB. They did nothing. Do not trust dealerships.
Im taking my mom's car to a local shop to get it fixed.

Also get a car fax when you go to sell it. People will want to see that. It shows how many owners, recalls/fixes, maint. Good to have. I think it's 30 bucks or so. They want to see that online along with vin number. Just hide yor address. I sold it thru Facebook market. I got 2 dud buyers who complained the paint was dull due to sitting, and it had some dings on it. Easily fixed with a paint pen. One wanted to give me pennies for it, and told me I should be greatful. Paint can be fixed with buffing and a special paint reviver. They think you won't research these things.
Thank goodness I didn't listen to them. The next buyer was a dream. Don't believe them when they try to tell you vehicle is a mess. They want to drive price down. I did budge a little but it was in line for blue book value and what they were going for.

Keep the car running and put some peppermint on cotton balls in the engine area to keep mice away. The worse thing to do is park a vehicle and let it sit. Mice will take over. Or put a hi pitched noise deterrent in it.
I would sell it while it's still running and inspected. That wat you have that $$ for mom's care. Good luck.

I am 58, and I am my 82-year-old mother's power of attorney. The neurologist had the DMV revoke my mom's license.
I initially was going to sell the car to Carvana or KBB easily (Honda CRV, like 2014ish, low-mileage, 4 accidents). But then I listed it on Craigslist. I got a barrage of phone calls/texts from used car dealers who were willing to pay cash and $5,000 more than the Carvana offer.... a total of $17,500! And I sold it in one day with total transparency about the accidents! Deposited the cash into my mom's savings for future care.

You are doing the right thing. Your responsibility is to make sure that your mother is in a safe and decent place. Your mother is not thinking logically when she thinks she can drive again. For her, this is more like wishful thinking. Keeping the car and all of a car's expenses is not practical just for wishful thinking. You may find that you don't have to say anything about the car. If she doesn't see it, she may forget about it. How is she getting around? Do you need to make arrangements for her transportation, so that she can get around easily? With moderate dementia, does she have caregivers checking in on her? Some people do not realize that they have dementia (my mother was one). She always thought that she was OK, but maybe it was also wishful thinking on her part. It's hard to know what she really understood as she got less and less verbal. Make sure all of your mother's paperwork is in order while she can still sign legal papers. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters (which sounds like it is done), have a living will with her advance medical directives, a will. Everyone with assets should do this, not just your mother. Perhaps now is the time to have the discussion with her about what kind of care she'd like if she is not able to care for herself. Her basic options are in-home caregivers or living in an assisted living/memory care facility. If she is OK with AL, find one near where you live. Some facilities can also handle skilled nursing, if her physical and mental state decline. I had to do the initial legwork for my mother, finding a place(s) that I thought she'd like and taking her to see it. I also had to help her downsize and move, then set her up in the new apartment. If your mother is not ready to think about this, then you need a plan for a time when she may need more care. All the best to you both.

Such an easy problem. Imagine it was your wife’s car. My wife can not walk or stand on her own and imagines she will drive again. she is 79. It will never happen. The car is costing money to insure. I need to sell it. She has not had a valid driver license in 10 years.

You are doing what’s best and safest for your mom (and others). Just get the car sold and keep telling your mom your cousin still ends it. Only say this if SHE brings it up…you should not bring it up at all. If cousin is around, have cousin back you up (again, only if she brings it up - otherwise it’s mums the word). If she has dementia, eventually she will forget about the car, her license and driving,

It sounds mean, but it’s not. Sometimes with dementia, a little “fibbing” to keep safe AND keep the peace is what’s called for.