Hello! I’m 51 years old. In July 2023 my Dad passed away. He was sick for many years. He had heart failure, COPD and afib amount other complications from those diseases. He was my best friend. When COVID hit I stepped in and started to take him to all his appointments and I was fully involved with his care. My Mom, started to develop mild dementia in 2018 so I had to really step in and help. Before he passed the deal was to take my Mom in to live with me and my boyfriend. My parents were married for 55 years. So it’s been a year a few months. I had to resign from my job. I loved my job. Mom needs daily care. It’s mild dementia but she needs help with started showers and stuff like that. She doesn’t cook anymore. Since my Dad passed she hasn’t cooked. Taking her in was hard on her but we have routine and seem to have things in order. She’s ok. It’s me that is losing my mind some days. I am going through peri-menopause and some days I feel like I’m losing my mind. I grew up in a big Italian family and we are not close anymore. No one comes and takes Mom out to give me just an hour to myself. My boyfriend and I went on ONE date since my Dad passed. I’m so mad at everyone. Is that normal? No one cares and it upsets me. I need support. The last 3 days all I want to do is cry. And I can’t do that in front of Mom. It upsets her. I need a vent buddy. Help me!
I hope you got a giant inheritance from your dad and you are now independently wealthy to carry you to 100 years old.
You are crying and are mad because you are figuring out that this is the life of a caregiver.
It’s not sustainable. It’s only going to get worse.
You must get 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep a night and 8 hours off a day.
One person CANNOT do 24/7 caregiving.
She could have hired in-home help with her money if she needed help in her OWN home, or she could have opted to move into an assisted living facility where she would have received the care she requires and meals would have been made for her.
You say that you are "so mad at everyone" but the only person you should be mad at is yourself for making such poor choices.
And if your mom only has "mild dementia" why in the world can you not leave her at least once/twice a week to go on dates with your boyfriend? Something just doesn't make sense here. I'm surprised your boyfriend has stuck it out as long as he has.
You do have many options for your moms care other than you, but I honestly don't get the impression that other than venting you really want to make the necessary changes needed to get your life back on track, so vent all you want, but know that nothing will change until you are open and willing to make the needed changes.
And I hope for all involved that you will.
Others have made their choice to be free of caregiving for your mother, so don't look to them for support, you are choosing to have her live with you and accept the responsibility of caregiving.....I guess for as long as she may live.
My mother has been in AL 4 years, she has no dementia, she loves it, being with ppl her own age, activities and she does not have to lift a finger. I had my step-mother in Memory Care, she passed 4 months ago, she was in the same home as my mother is, I could visit both of them on the same day and attend to their needs, worked for them and me.
Don't be surprised if your BF eventually bails out, this type of arrangement can ruin a marriage as well as any relationship, it gets real old after a period of time.
Vent away but look deep inside yourself at the same time, there lies the answers.
Alma's post says it all.
"I had to resign from my job...."
"Taking her in was hard on her..."
"I can't do that (cry) in front of mom..."
What if you hadn't stepped in? What if you hadn't resigned from your job? Taking her in was hard on HER? (What about hard on you?? but you're worried about HER?) And taking in mom is the reason you are so miserable (YES, MISERABLE!).
Ohmygoodness. Don't be a saint. Don't martyr yourself. And actually, if you want to martyr yourself, there are better ways to do it than sacrificing your life for mom.
Please realize that you didn't HAVE to do those things. And realize that you can change your mind and stop doing them. You don't have to protect mom. Be honest with her. Cry in front of her. Then explain her options because you're going to let her be a grownup, and you're going to be a grownup too, by going back to work and enjoying your relationship and the rest of your life. Mom will adjust to assisted living or her apartment in a senior living community or a house across town close to other members of her family, who might be inclined to help her more if you weren't in the way.
Good luck as you get back to normal.
If possible go back to your job and place Mom in assisted living ( again using Mom’s money if she has the funds ) .
You have every right to try to get your ow n life back as much as you want ( and as much as is possible ) .
Unfortunately it is very common for one family member to be the caregiver while the others don’t help . It would be nice if they gave you a break but it’s not to be expected. Not everyone is willing or able to be a caregiver.
You do not tell us that you feel you made a mistake. I don't know your mom's age, but with a 55 year marriage behind her, she is likely already in her late 70s. You chose to take her in and make your home her home, and that is now the case.
I think that you must, you and your boyfriend, speak about how long this care will be tenable for your lives? Or DO you. Boyfriend, I would assume, serves as "vent buddy". So you are really no longer a daughter, but rather a caregiver. And he is no longer so much a BF as a vent buddy.
I do not know what arrangements you made, what talks you had at the time your mother moved in.
Did you do the paperwork for POA?
Did you speak about you would be able to care for her so long as this worked for your life and your own family (which is your boyfriend)?
Was there a trip to an Elder Law Attorney to discuss shared living costs? Is there a contract for that? The cost of maintaining a home, home repairs, food, transportation? Because clearly you have had now to give up a job that for the next two decades should have been contributing to your own life savings for age and to your own recreation and travel. Now it will go to respite. Who pays for that?
There is a lot here to consider. I think it is time to speak with your boyfriend. I cannot know if it is any longer possible to talk with your mom regarding all this; but if so, I think that you should.
You currently have signed up for the burning funeral pyre of your parent and it is a slow burn if you are to sacrifice yourself upon it. I cannot tell from your post whether you feel you either acted without thinking, or you DID think and still think this is how it must be, or if you think this is how it must be for now but when thus and such happens Mom will go into care.
I am sorry it is as it is. You have already given up a lot. This is something I, as an RN, knew I could never in a billion years do. That was very clear to me.
As to others in the family, I have left it for last as they don't figure in this. This wasn't their choice and it isn't their responsibility in any way. They don't want to do this. They likely feel you made a large and tragic mistake in taking this on. They want no part in it clearly and have made that known by taking no part in it. I am afraid I would be on their side; this isn't something I could do.
Now if you want, you can feel free to call them all together for a lovely family dinner out (you pay) in which you say "I took this on and I don't know WHAT I was thinking. Can anyone help us? Is anyone willing to give us a date night out? Anyone willing to watch Mom for a few days, few weeks? Can anyone do a shopping trip for us? Anyone make us a casserole. I know that I CHOSE THIS. I am sorry I chose it. I know it is my responsibility and am not yet certain what I can/will do. But for now I am asking. Can anyone help us in any way whatever? Feel free to go off and discuss. Feel free to tell me you have ZERO intention of enabling my poor decision. But just consider it and drop me a text or a note. Sorry to put this on you. But I am."
Good luck. I would promise at least a date night per month and a few casseroles.
You can vent here....I am 54 and in a similar situation. I have only had mom living with me for 3 months, but I am having some of the same feelings. I also had to give up my job ...I didn't realize how much I would miss the routine and time with a wonderful team. Mom was unable to live on her own anymore due to dementia/memory issues and wasn't able to say in her AL due to "wandering". After looking at memory care I didn't feel able to take that step, but didn't realize how hard the transition would be to have her living with me and my husband would be. He is supportive and mom has not had difficult behaviors. but even so I am finding it hard to fill the days, stay positive and not miss life before she moved in. So many caregivers here have it so much harder . I check in here often for encouragement and want to let you know you are wonderful. Have you tried any paid caregiving support ? My mom is very fearful and has difficulty with new people and not a lot of interest in socializing. She is less able to get out for the drives and outings that used to entertain us so working right now on how to fill the days
By the time people use “dementia” it’s at stage 5 out of 7 so I doubt this is anything mild. If mom does not have the funds for you to get an aide, then the big Italian family is going to have to chip in to pay for it as you’re already offering the house. And if they won’t then wait until she has to go to the er and leave her there.
You're only 51 and you loved your job - you need to go back to a livelihood or else you're placing yourself in jeopardy. This should be the best time for your career - in your 50's - and to continue on. Too much time out of your career will negatively impact you - and also future social security amounts.
Regarding your mom - you should research Assisted Living communities - she'll have more interaction with others her age and activities. Or at the very least, adult day care. And if she's currently living with you, the least she can do is to pay for a caregiver in the interim for whatever hours she needs assistance with showers, etc. And there's meals-on'wheels or other organizations that can bring her food - you shouldn't be required to be home to cook for her.
This plan that your family came up with - did any of them think about who's going to be there for you one day - and being out of work now, how's that going to impact you? What a self-serving and selfish plan that they created. What they really should have done was take the onus off of you and to plan for their own futures.
You're actually going to have to save yourself and develop a new plan for your mom - it'll be better for her in the long-run anyway.
Wishing you all the very best ~
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