My grandma is 84 and she's pretty healthy, she has more energy than anyone I know. She's also critical, judgemental, set in her ways, rude and a narcissist. My husband and I are both 32, we've been together since we were 15 so my grandma is basically his grandma as well, he loves her and seems to have more compassion for her than myself and the rest of my family honestly. We have 2 teenagers, a 17 month old toddler and baby #4 due in just 2 months. We've just gotten to a point in life where we are getting comfortable, stable and at peace after a long rough patch to be honest. We've lived with grandma a total of 5 times in the past. There were always issues. Most recently was last year we became homeless and decided to pack our SUV and drive to Texas (from Pennsylvania) to try and start a new life. Grandma got herself kicked out of my mother's house (her youngest child) and nobody else would take her in so we got stuck having to bring her to Texas with us. She reminds me constantly that she raised me and "saved me" from a terrible life with my mother. She made Texas an awful experience. We stayed in a homeless shelter where she constantly complained about the food, being bored and not being able to walk her dog any time she wanted. She almost got us kicked out of the shelter because she was being racist and rude towards another elderly woman. The shelter offered to get her an apartment at senior housing and she flat out said that she would die if she had to live alone. Since she demanded to live with us, we lost the opportunity for subsidized housing. When the shelter was able to find us a home, she didn't approve of the home. I was desperate enough to live in a mud hut but she has a sense of entitlement that I can't understand. We finally got the home, we gave her the biggest room in the house it could have been a studio apartment and she was never happy, never satisfied, constantly on the phone talking bad about us and how we live, raise our kids, what we eat, etc. I'm pretty sure I had post partum depression solely because of her. She made plans to have her oldest daughter (64) whom she hadnt seen in 20 years drive from Missouri to Texas to "rescue her" well 4 months later, that daughter had enough and demanded grandma leave ASAP. Nobody in the family wanted to A) drive to Missouri to save her again and B) give her a place to stay. Apparently all 6 of her kids have tried and given up on her. And not a single grandkid besides me has even kept contact with her. Anyway, she finally manages to find a "friend from church" drive from Philadelphia to Missouri to save her and even give her a small room to stay in. A week after getting back to Philadelphia she starts complaining to me about this same friend and the home she's staying. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment where my teens share a room and we barely have space but we manage. Of course I feel bad for my grandma and I love her but I've tried to help her so many times and it's always hurt me in the end. She's never once shown appreciation or admitted her wrongdoing, there's so much more to the story but it would take days for me to articulate. Why am I the only person left who feels sorry for her? I'm also the only one who's lived with her 5 different times. I just don't have the space anymore and I have my hands full with my family and a new baby arriving soon. I worry about my mental and emotional well being, living with her just triggers me especially after the last time in Texas. She never seemed to enjoy living with us either, she was always miserable and down talking us but to get out of whatever "bad" situation she's currently in, she acts like we could work it out this time. I know we can't, I just need reassurance that I've done all I can. She burns every bridge she crosses. She is the only person from my family that I even still talk to, purely because I love her and she's 84. She always gets herself into these messes. How do you help a person like her?
Suggestion to you, tell her you have moved, hubs got a new job and timing has been perfection as kids can get started school in January. It’s really a great place. Send her your new address and have it be the homeless shelter of one of the big Texas cities (Austin, Dallas, HTown, SA, and for wicked fun maybe EP) that isn’t at all nearby where you actually live. Your choice.
Really take a year off away from grannie. She’s toxic and not just for you but for your entire family.
Strip it all back to priorities;
#1. Safe housing for you & children.
#2 Contacts, charities etc for support & establish necessities eg food & clothing.
#3 Establish finances, welfare to start, then job, to start a building security, pay bills, avoid food insecurity.
#4 Continue connecting into your community, find supports, cheapest groceries, school for the kids.
Own oxygen first.
Point Grandma to authorities to help her establish her own priorities, housing & other goals.
Good luck to you.
My relationship with my mother suffered dramatically as a partial result of what she put me thru as a kid with all that trauma. We were never friends and I didn't like her at all. I loved her, though, ....and managed her life FOR her till she died at 95, but only bc I was an only child and she had nobody else. I never had her live with me ever, due to the horror story I witnessed as a child. Such a thing would NEVER be repeated in my lifetime, that was certain.
The problem arises when others see your kindness for weakness and try to take advantage of your good nature. Then you have to set strong boundaries or not have a relationship with them at all.
Please don’t have any guilt about living your own life with your family. Grandma has worn out her welcome. That’s on her, not you.
As far as your question goes, you answered it yourself when you said that every time you tried to help your grandma it didn’t work out. Keep this fact in mind if she should ask for your help in the future.
You have every reason in the world to dislike her actions.
The key to having peace in your life is being able to distinguish between knowing that you can love a person without tolerating their unacceptable behavior.
You are worthy of living a good life with your family. You have a husband and children who deserve your love. Give them the love that’s in your heart. I am sure that they will appreciate it and show you their appreciation and love for you.
Wishing you and your family all the best. Take care.
Why would you ever have anyone who acts like the enemy and down talks you to others move in with you?
Don't do it again.
She is beyond your help now. You don't need to help her just because she has run out of people to use up.
Take a lesson from everyone else.
Teenagers don't need this kind of environment.
She might need a board and care home.
You cannot have her around as you have 3 kids and fourth coming. That is your only concern and responsibility.
I know the type, and nothing - NOTHING - you do will be enough. She does not want HELP. She wants EVERYTHING.
You cannot prevent her from getting herself into these messes. You cannot make her change. She will have to hold herself accountable for the consequences of her actions and change. Which is extremely unlikely.
You have 3+ children who are looking to you for support, stability, safety and love. They must not grow up with your spirit crushing grandmother. Her endless misery will drive them away.
Walk away from her and prioritize yourself, your husband and kids.
You need to focus on your responsibility to your children , they deserve a stable life .
You need to “ break up “ with grandma , because you are too nice and she knows it and will keep trying to take advantage .
Do not live with her , do not send her money . Give grandma the number of social services near her to help her find a place to live . Tell her you have no room or money for her and have your children to care for. Then you break off contact . Block her number . This sounds harsh but your kids deserve to not have this woman in your family’s life .
Be strong !
I'm sure you love your kids but you are putting grandma before them and that should not be happening. You can barely help yourself. You should not be spending any time on thinking of how you can help your grandmother.
Making some kind of a home for your children and providing for them should be your only priority and no adult should have to be told this.
No matter what you or anyone else does for your grandmother she is going to be a miserable person who appreciates nothing. That is not your fault. You did not cause her to be how she is and you're not responsible to fix her either.
If you can legally evict her from your home you should start the proceedings now. If she is on the lease with you and your husband, it will be harder.
Stop living together. At 84 years old the state will find her housing. She may be placed in a shelter for a while, but they will find her housing. Do this for your family. Put them before her as you should.
Have you considered writing a memoir?
I am not being sarcastic. It's my favorite writing genre of all, and I read them all the time. I just finished a memoir by a woman about TBI (traumatic brain injury), one by a woman who had GBS (Gillian Barre Syndrome) and the best one of all, a woman who traveled home to care for her 90s year old mom, Gretchen Staebler's Mother Lode.
I would be ON for buying yours.
Your family is, for want of a better word, a bit complicated. Yet you all do remain intertwined together, almost enmeshed. You are also all "survivors" to an extent. Her narcissism makes grandma tough to deal with, but has also made her tough, a real survivor.
That seems the case with you all.
I would hesitate to advise you. My life has been so comparatively privileged that I can't see what I could offer. Put in your circumstances I would be trembling speechless on the street. I know you already know how to access resources, and I would say continue to do so with all the help from Social Services and their workers that you can get.
I wish you all the luck in the world. Now grab a notebook and pen and take notes. I am counting on you for my next best book!
I wish all of you the best luck in the world. I wish I had words of wisdom that could change the struggle for you. I hope others do. I hope you will update us.
Your grandmoms children should sit her down and tell her none of them, nor their children will be taking her in or caring for her and why. She will take an apartment offered to her. She will need to take advantage of the resourses available to her. She will have to be happy with what she has. Because if she rejects what is offered to her, she will be living in a homeless shelter. You really cannot help this type of person because it is a mental illness. Do not burden yourself with her. Tell her you cannot help her, you just about can help yourself. She needs to except what is offered to her.
Fight to preserve that. Your older kids are already teens, so they'll be out of the house in a few short years. Now that you finally have some stability, make those memories that you couldn't afford to make when you were going from one housing situation to another. Time to make your own nuclear family the priority.
Out of grandma's six children, they will have to figure it out. They have no choice. I feel for them, too, because I've been there, and it's hard as heck. But continuing to let you, the granddaughter with four kids at home, take care of things is not an option. That is unconscionable. They need to be the ones coming to this forum and saying "What do I do with my difficult mother?" There is no other choice.
Write them all letters, friendly but firm, letting them know that you will not be taking her in again. You are about to have two young children, you finally have a chance to provide a stable, comfortable home for your older kids who've also been through so much, and that has to be your top priority now. They will be forced to communicate with each other and come up with a game plan.
If they are unwilling to do it, the state will take over (eventually). There are nursing homes filled with people who don't have family who are able or willing to help. It's not like she's going to end up on the street. These nursing homes aren't resorts, but they get three square meals and a comfortable bed, day rooms with games and activities. She'll be fine.
Any time you start to waver and feel guilty, say loudly to yourself that you did not bring this upon yourself, she is not your responsibility, she has six children, you have a young family who deserves better, and you're a good mom who's going to take care of that family. Say some version of that and keep your chin up.
I have to talk to myself like that when I start to get depressed by thoughts about how things could have gone better in my own family (but honestly, through no fault of my own). You have to get into a fighting mindset sometimes to push through those feelings and be proactive and present for the people who need you now—your kids and your husband. And you. You are worthy of peace and happiness, too. Remember that.
I know you feel bad for your grandmother, but you need to turn those feelings towards your own little family. Fight for them.
If her personal SAFETY becomes a problem, someone from the family may need to assume responsibility for her welfare OR she can be made a ward of the state.
At 84, what she SAYS may be far less important in providing for her than what she DOES. Maybe you and other family members should start journaling her more unusual activities, so that if you come to the point that you need to seek outside help, you have solid reasoning for why you as a family need that help, and what she’s doing to make you think so.
Be at peace with the fact that all of you have done the best you could.
Your grandma will NEVER be happy no matter where she is or who she's with, so it's time for you to just let her be and let her live her life. She has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it. And if she doesn't like it, she only has herself to blame.
Your ONLY concern right now should be yourself, your husband and your children. PERIOD. You owe your grandma NOTHING!!!
Don't worry about grandma, she's going to be just fine as sooner or later she will find someone else to mooch off of.
And you owe it to your new baby coming to not be under any undue stress as that will only hurt them.
So don't you dare take grandma in ever again!!!!!!!!
Grandma seems to be able to create sympathy in other people, and she will latch on to someone else. Let her. Stop talking to her, and don’t send her money.
You’re a nice person, and I wish you luck in having a life without grandma. You can do it!
We re-pay the care given to us as children by being responsible for our OWN children. Adults (like grandma) have had a lifetime to plan, save and figure out their old age.
There's a book you should read, readily available in most libraries. It's called Never Simple, by Liz Scheier. Her mom sounds a lot like your grandma. Liz saved herself and her family when she realized there was no possible way to save her mom.
You are not responsible for fixing or helping. If none of her own children have or can how could you be expected to? It is hard I know but she will have to stay where she is if they will continue to keep her with all her complaints! Hugs to you, stay strong and hold firm you are making the right decision.