I understand all the obvious reasons, especially when they are agitated or overly frustrated, but it seems that the more accepting I am by agreeing with her or smiling and saying anything encouraging makes her sink further into depression or ohpoorpitifulme-ness. The only time I can get her to eat, go to the bathroom (she doesn't care if it gives her UTI's but she'll go if I tell her she stinks and it makes her mad) or stop sitting there staring at me for hours on end and DO something (color, paint, watch tv, read, sort fabrics, fold clothes) is if I challenge her to just stop it with the pitiful act. When I say nice chatty things or sweet encouragements as you would a child, she just moans pitifully that she's old and can't do anything. But if I tell her to stop being pitiful, don't give up like this and 'rage against the dying of the light' she fires up and cusses me but then she actually tries to do things besides just sit there and become more and more depressed. So I ask again, is the not disagreeing with them a no-no across the board? Is it inherently harmful to their condition (mentally or physiologically) for the sufferer to be contradicted? if so, can you tell me why?
When I received training in dealing with people with mental illness (as a first responder) they always taught not to argue with delusions. The reason being that the delusion is real to them and trying to argue that he delusion is just a delusion won't succeed and will only cause agitation. So, if they insist that there is a donkey trying to climb a tree, you don't feed into it but don't try to dissuade, rather say "I understand that you see a donkey climbing a tree"
But, other than delusional disorders, I have not idea why your tactic would be considered ill advised. I know some here would interpret your firmness as meanness but I don't. I employ the same tactics with my mother. I don't feed into her helplessness or her pity parties. If she wants to be miserable and do nothing, she can sit there and do it alone. If she wants to live and be part of this world then I will spend time with her doing things.
I don't think that the blanket advice "don't disagree" covers all situations.
But your mother doesn't sound as if she has dementia, has she? And if poking her with a stick, metaphorically speaking of course, lifts her out of her depressed apathy, then go to it! - only, if you possibly can, follow it up by praising and encouraging any small positives you can think of. Is your mother being treated for her depression?
I hope you can find something that helps with her depression. Depression makes caregiving so much harder.
It's been my experience that many people with cognitive and/or physical decline become depressed and fall into a destructive pattern of wallowing in self pity. Our country does a terrible job at helping people acknowledge their anger and sadness that life has changed and making necessary adaptations for a new life. Adapting to change is critical to surviving, persevering, and thriving in tough times.
My inlaws, who had always been hardworking individuals, seemed to give up living when my MIL's neurodegenerative order prevented them from doing the things they loved to do. It took all of us "kids" to rally around them and encourage them to make the changes that enabled them to live independently and with dignity. But there came a time when us cheerleaders had to go home and live our own lives.
If a person has gotten to the point of their mental or physical decline that they are incapable of driving, dressing themselves, preparing meals, having a conversation, etc. then I would not scold them for doing nothing. On the other hand, living with a person who chooses to do nothing for himself/herself must be terrible and I can understand that not disagreeing with them only enables the unhealthy behavior. And that is among the many reasons why having respite from caretaking is so very important.
Also, dementia is not static. It often fluctuates from day to day, hour to hour. Just because the brain is able to focus and complete a task on one day, doesn't mean it will happen the next day. The abilities in people with dementia also fluctuates. She may be able to clean herself one day, but not the next. There may be good days and not so good days. So, we may improperly set standards for the dementia patient if we set goals that they don't always meet. That might cause unnecessary frustration.
Not everything out of the mouth of someone with dementia is a delusion. I don't think you need to agree with everything they say or that arguing is always pointless. I don't think that a pityparty is exactly a delusion. If you have found ways to jolt your loved one out of that rut, good for you!
Never argue with a fool...other people cannot tell the difference
Meaning..knowing that the person has dementia....what do you really believe argument will accomplish? Seems about on par with arguing with a fool.
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