Responsibility.
I have a client who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease since 2019.
I have been the only private caregiver for 3.5 years.
At first, the husband took his 4 x a year 10-12 times a day trips and I would stay with his wife.
This is not a normal caregiving job by any means. All she wants to do is walk. She has walked miles and miles by herself and the husband is ok with that.
Recently, she told him that she felt “hovered” with having anyone stay with her.
I have found this situation for me to be very uncomfortable as my schedule when he is gone is to show up at their house at 9:00am and leave at 3:00pm. My client is extremely independent and will not admit that there is an issue with her memory. She calls it absentmindedness.
She uses the gas stove in the morning to fix her breakfast.
On a different note, when I am done working with her when he is there, he has instructed me to drop her off somewhere close to home as all she does is walk. She avoids being at home from 8:30am — 5:30pm.
I am just trying to set the tone for my concern. There is nothing in writing that he has written specifically for his trips, or just dropping her off anywhere.
I am concerned that this arrangement will come back and fall on my shoulders.
I am with her enough to know that she has about 10% executive function and a 5 minute short term memory issue.
He has delayed, delayed and delayed any medical intervention to get her help with her OCD, Anxiety and Depression. His reasoning is because it would be a nightmare to take away her ability to take her own medications.
What I want to know is this, if all of you were in my position (besides calling APS) how would you deal with this.
I get the feeling that he just doesn't like to be around Allzheimer’s because it has interrupted his life plans. Just being honest.
14 Answers
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It is obvious husband does not care or cannot be around his wife and putting her in danger and perhaps you as well.
You say in an earlier post that you have spoken with the husband about your concerns.
Can you please share with us what he said back to you?
This husband is totally irrational. Don’t follow his instructions. You are placing your client in jeopardy. She should be in a facility where she can be monitored 24/7 by a professional staff.
Don’t place yourself in this position either. You don’t know if he will turn the tables on you and blame you, if something does happen to his wife.
Get out now before something disastrous occurs. Give your notice.
Let the husband figure out what to do. He’s either going to place her or be sorry for not placing her. It’s his responsibility to make sure that his wife is properly cared for.
Think about it. How many people do you think would follow this man’s instructions? Why should you? You shouldn’t.
Perhaps you add on that when you resign you will probably report your worries to APS. This will be to protect you if something goes wrong shortly after you leave. It would be better if both you and H together call in APS to take a look at W’s situation and provide an assessment about how to go forward. You still have the option of resigning, but they may have the ‘solid advice’ that you are looking for. That would be better for everyone involved.
Give him time to find another caregiver (good luck with that) and say you will help train the new caregiver. But put a deadline on it. I would think 30 days to find a caregiver, get background checks done and begin training the new caregiver would be plenty.
In the mean time write down EVERY LITTLE THING you do and that can be used as a guide if you have to leave before (a) he finds someone or (b) the new hire needs more info.
Do not remain after the date you have given as your final date of employment.
This does not sound like a safe situation at all.
Alzheimer's has interrupted many lives and we learn to deal with it not hide from it or ignore it.
APS might be what this person needs to wake them up to the situation.
Best of luck to you.
Wife should be in a memory care facility anyway.
Just so I get this correct. The client's husband instructs you to drop off his wife with Alzheimer's alone near to home so she can walk around. When someone has dementia, they aren't 'walking around' they are wandering and this is dangerous.
If the client's husband "instructed" you to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge after your shift, or a tall building, or a cliff for that matter, would you?
My guess is you wouldn't because you'd have sense enough not to.
Why then do you not have sense enough to know that a person with Alzheimer's disease cannot be "dropped off" anywhere and left on their own?
Don't come onto a forum of caregivers and expect anyone here to justify your collecting of a paycheck when you are putting a mentally diminished person with Alzheimer's disease in danger every single day.
Shame on you. You should be ashamed of yourself and no mistake.
I own a homecare agency. If you worked for me and did what you are doing with this client every day, I would see you taken out in cuffs and charged with everything from elder abuse to endangerment to criminal neglect and anything else the cops can think of. The client's husband too. Quit this job and don't take on anymore caregiver jobs.
At some point our OP mentions mental illness.
At another she mentions dementia, and if her assessment of the deficits in the percentages she mentions are correct, I am not seeing how "dropping her off near home" can even allow this client to make her way home.
I cannot believe, in all honesty that we have a husband and a caregiver dropping off a client, leaving a client without care.
I am hoping the OP returns to us and answers these questions.
What would happen if you ignored his instructions to drop her off and instead just took her home? If he complains about it you can tell him that it is unethical to drop her off in her condition, and that you are a mandated reporter of neglect and abuse (hint).
Does this couple have adult children somewhere that you can discretely contact to let them know that a "situation" is in process? They may not care or have any power, either, but it doesn't hurt to notify them.
How old is the husband? Old enough to possibly have cognitive issues himself? Or is he just a clueless jerk? If you suspect he is also in cognitive decline, then contacting APS might be the best and only move.
I have an inkling that the OP realizes that she is treading on thin ice and is looking for validation for her suspicions.
You have tried to educate the husband. He isn’t interested in your opinion, because he is ignoring your advice.
So, now you are concerned about the disastrous consequences of your client and her husband’s actions. You should be concerned, because it’s only a matter of time, before something happens.
You have no control over their lives. You do have control over your life. If I were you, I would leave this position.
If you feel that it is your responsibility to call APS, then do so. Hopefully, they will open up an investigation. At the very least, there will be documentation of the situation.
Wishing you all the best!
The OP is not taking care of the client. The OP is putting the client's health and safety at risk by dropping her off and letting her wander around alone. That is not taking care of someone.
When I did caregiving I worked through a company, which was good because if I saw a situation that was dangerous to them or me I could call the office, they would figure it out or send me someplace else. For example if a large client was to big for me and I was worried about them falling or falling on me.
I think you need a new job.
Best of luck,
It has not been this way for 4 years. With caregiving it changes daily.
What exactly is your fear for her, that you haven't stated right out to us, Makeadifference?
Are you afraid she is wandering?
Do you feel someone should be with her 24/7?
Why do you feel that way?
I can't tell what here is disturbing you exactly.
I cannot imagine doing a job for almost four years that makes you this uncomfortable?
At one point you mention dementia.
At another you mention mental illness.
I haven't a clue what really is going on here, but you should be discussing this of course with the husband, not with a Forum of strangers who have no way to assess this client nor his wife.
I wish you the best of luck with your decisions.
If you leave and feel your client is in some "danger to self" then you are, of course, a mandated reporter. As such, you can make a report to APS who will visit and discuss with hubby and his wife.