Sacrificing one family member for another... Has anyone else dealt with this???

Not guilt. Grief. There is a difference. Guilt belongs to felons who are evil. Grief is for people who cannot make everyone happy. I would say if otherwise you have a good and strong marriage that your obligation is to your husband and your child and that you do the best for your Mom that you are able to, understanding you cannot do it all. If your husband doesn't wish to live with an elder in the home he should not have to. This is something that should be taken on only when BOTH spouses agree to try to do it. So Mom must stay where she is and you must be as good and loving support as you are able to be.
If on the other hand this is a husband who isn't a good match, a good mate, a good support in your family, all bets are off. It is perhaps the marriage that cannot work. That's a bigger problem. Only you can tell what the answer is to that.
Not everything in life can be made perfect. We all do the best we can through all phases of life, whether for our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our children or our friends. Life isn't perfect and not everything can be fixed.

What you are experiencing is grief not guilt and is totally understandable and normal.
Your first priority as a Mom and a Wife is to your family.
I dislike threats as much as I dislike ultimatums. They are pretty much the same.
I am sure it would take quite a bit to actually go ahead with a divorce but that is neither here or there.
As I mentioned your priority is to your child and to your husband.
I am sure your husband is also thinking of the effect that moving your mom in would have on your child.
Taking care of someone in addition to your child is a daunting task. Particularly with all the conditions you mentioned in your profile.
Leave your mom in the facility where she is getting care that she needs.
Do what you can for mom but you should focus on your family.
(I am going to add something here that I do hope you do not take as a harsh criticism) I think you and your husband should talk a bit about how he feels as he does or rather why he expressed his feelings by jumping to divorce. It is rather a drastic solution. If necessary talking with a counselor to help sort through feelings on both sides.

You already have your hands full with your child who needs special attention, and a husband who is "not supportive in any way," so why would you think you could even begin to care for your mom in your home? You are correct, when you say that your child must come first, as he or she must. You are NOT sacrificing one over the other. You are doing what any loving mother and daughter would do, and that is making sure your child is well cared for and safe, and your mom is well cared for and safe too. The fact that they're in 2 different places, doesn't mean that you're not doing your job as a loving daughter. You are doing the very best you can, and have nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt is for someone who has done something wrong. That does not apply to you. You've done what has to done in the best interest of your family. So please don't continue to beat yourself up over this situation. Your mom I'm sure doesn't want you feeling guilty over her, and would not want you jeopardizing your family for her. God bless you.

I love my mother too. And because of my love for her, she lives in a Memory Care ALF where she's cared for 24/7 by a team of people who bend over backwards to see that her every need is met. In fact, last evening she was helped into a walk-in jacuzzi so she could soak & relax in warm water for 30 minutes to help the pain in her legs from neuropathy. That sure doesn't sound like a situation that should tear me up inside, does it?

If I were to look at this from a 'guilt' perspective & decide to upturn my entire life by bringing my mother to live in my home, not only would I be disrupting MY life, but my husband's life as well, which I do not have the right to do. It's his home too so he gets a say in how he lives it. Bringing a 94 y/o demented woman in a wheelchair & Depends in here wouldn't enhance HER life OR our lives in any way. She would require 3 hot meals a day, 3 snacks a day, continuous supervision and entertainment, and how would she get that, exactly, with us working?

I personally think you're looking at things from a skewed perspective. What you're saying is that it's 'wrong' for children to place their parent(s) into a managed care residence because it's our 'duty' and 'obligation' to care for them in our homes, whether we're qualified to do it or not. Whether we want to do it or not, and regardless of what our husbands & children think about it. THAT is what's 'wrong' here, in my opinion

There is no 'one size fits all' care plan for the elderly. Which is why there are managed care homes all over the world. There are also people who choose to take a parent into their own homes and care for them there, and that's fine too. But it has to be a JOINT family decision where everyone is in agreement & shares the burden together. To wrack yourself with unwarranted guilt over making a decision to place your mother is very unfair to you and to your family. Because your self loathing will come through to THEM; they will see & feel it & may even feel responsible FOR it. If your husband is threatening you with divorce if you take your mother in to live with your family, he knows you're way too emotionally affected by this whole situation! I recommend you see a therapist and get some counseling for your own peace of mind, which you DESERVE to have.

Remember & know that you are not abandoning your mother. She's abandoned if she's homeless and living on the street, not in a comfortable, safe & warm senior care residence. While it's perfectly natural to feel grief and sadness over the fact that your mother is elderly & in declining health, you personally cannot 'fix' that situation. I can't fix my mother's dementia or her AFib, or her neuropathy or incontinence, either, as much as I'd like to. Nor can I prevent her from dying. I can, however, agree to live MY life with joy & happiness and share it with my husband & children, which is the deal I made when I married. I owe it to them, in fact.

I am sorry you are going through such grief and being so hard on yourself. This situation is not your fault, so stop blaming yourself for your mother's old age & infirmity. It's okay to live YOUR life and to be a wife & mother to your child. It really is.

Wishing you the best of luck accepting what is

Spend time with your Child, with your Husband, with your Mother & time by Yourself too. Separate it all out as mixing it all together in your own home is not going to work.

You may wish to warn your child & DH you will need to spend more time with Mother during this special time of her declining health. Or maybe look for opportunities for quality time instead of quantity.

Letting others do the physical care for your Mother is part of the process of letting go. But it does not mean you love her less.

“Sacrificing one family member for another” are awfully strong words. Certainly your devotion belongs to your family at this point. There is no way you could handle your mother's needs with your already care overload and your husband's threat of divorce. Even if you don't think she is getting enough care or proper care, there's no way you could provide better care at home. Why did you decide to place mom in a care facility to begin with? Do not those same reasons still apply?

As far as your husband's ultimatum and lack of support, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship. As a male, his threat disgusts me. He apparently has drawn a line in the sand where your crossing it excuses him from the marriage.

When my FIL got so bad he needed 24/7 care, my DH said "Of course he can move in with us" (Read: DW will do EVERYTHING for him)

We did have a little sit down with 2 daughters still at home, aged 16 and 19. They loved their grandpa, but one of them would lose a bedroom and he had a horrible, deep, phlegmy cough that lasted all day and night. He wasn't able to use stairs, so he would have been in the bedroom across the hall from DH and my bedroom. I would have been in charge of everything.

The girls said they would simply move out. I didn't blame them. Dh thought they were selfish brats, but HE never spent 24 hrs straight with his dad and anything that involved bodily fluids made him throw up.

The answer was a hard 'no' and I spent the next 4+ months running out to FIL's condo with food, to take him to drs appts and to clean.

It was brutal. But it only lasted 4 months. About the time I was having non-stop stress migraines, he passed away.

To this DAY, DH says I am selfish. Well, since he did less than nothing for his dad's care, he can't talk. I don't stick up for myself. That needs to be DH's paradigm and I cannot change it.

In a nutshell--my girls came first.

A lot of good comments here and I agree with all of them. In any family, the next generation must take priority over the previous generation. Most (normal) parents understand that and don't expect their kids to give up their lives and/or marriages for them. That is the circle of life.
You are doing what's best for your child and your mother is in a safe place being cared for by professionals. You have nothing to feel guilty for.
As for your husband, no offense, but he kind of sounds like an unsupportive tool.
Do take care of yourself. We have to put ourselves first, at least once in a while.

Maybe a Biblical analogy would help.

In Genesis, God reminds Adam and Eve that they are not 2 individuals but "one flesh". He tells them that this is the model of relationships for all their descendants: man and woman leave their families of origin and become a new family. So the highest priority relationship should be creating a healthy, vibrant marriage.

Then children come into the marriage. They are tiny and helpless and oh so needy. Both parents help the children to grow into healthy, vibrant adults. In the Jewish tradition, boys and girls become accountable "men" and "women" when they reach the age of understanding choices and consequences, usually around 13 years old. Parents work to get their children help to become independent, contributing adults. So children are the next highest priority.

As children become adults and move into marriages and families of their own, the parents become older. Life becomes more difficult. Sometimes it is dimness in the eyes... or losing teeth... or shaky legs and loss of strength.... or sometimes the mind... It is then that the younger generations reach back to help the older ones. The responsibility is make sure that the parent(s) are cared for. Sometimes their children take turns providing care. Sometimes the family creates a way for an individual to provide the care. (King David had a young nurse for his care.) SO parents are the 3rd highest priority.

As long as each relationship is nourished and people are cared for, you have nothing to feel guilt for. Love drives out fear.

Guilt is handled by Love. Your first duty is with your husband . He is right....listen to him. This is the end of this life with your Mother. The Chaplain in the facility has the help you need. A minister may not be trained like a Chaplain. If you do not have a active relationship with God....get a mild med to deal with the guilt.

Your problem is not your mother, who is not the one issuing ultimatums. It is your chauvinistic husband who apparently thinks he owns you body and soul and can dictate the terms of your marriage. Your decision about your mother should not be based upon your husband’s threats. I suggest that you seek counseling to sort the real issues and help you consider whether you want to continue to be married to an unsupportive bully. The last place your mother needs to be is in the same house with your husband.

I know that the responses on this forum are usually, child and husband come first, do not bring the parent home! And usually, I agree. In your case, it may also be true, but I also want to offer a slightly different view.

I have had three deaths of beloved elders in recent years and only one out of the three does not haunt me. That was my uncle Johnny, because I got to be right by his side during his last week. I was close to my mom like it sounds like you are to yours, and I would give anything to have more available and comforted her more towards the end.

Also, I understand your worries about about your special needs child, but death is a part of life, and a beautiful experience of death and decline surrounded by love might even put your child at ease in the long run. And it might be that you can be with your mom and let your child see what it looks like to age and die gracefully and surrounded by love, without bringing your mom into your home. I am sorry that you are experiencing the loss of your beloved mom, but know that she will always be with you in your heart. I do urge you to spend loving, quality time with her now no matter what you decide about where she lives, and don't worry about your husband. If he does not understand your pain now, I agree that the relationship needs to be reevaluated. Hugs and peace to you!

Your post really started me thinking about the concept of "sacrificing" a family member. Our situation is very different but raising three sons while one of them had serious and severe medical issues also had me constantly thinking "am I sacrificing" the wellbeing and happiness of my other sons. Now that this son is an adult with early onset Alzheimer's and lives in my home, I see "sacrificing" in another way. My youngest son has spent the last 5 years working full time overnight here to assist caregiving for his brother! I see him as "sacrificing" his own life as he has no social life or family of his own. Meanwhile, he sees me as "sacrificing my life" because life is hard and a daily challenge as I age. All through this, my son with Alzheimer's can no longer see and fully appreciate all we do. So, in the end, "sacrificing" is always something a person does willingly. And if the choice was made to care for another, perhaps it is not "sacrificing" at all, but the deepest expression of love.

Please seek professional help for you, to help you work thru your guilt. There are only so many things you can juggle. Your husband may not be being supportive for some very good reasons (your health and sanity?)

Thank you for this question, I too have benefitted greatly from the answers!

My sister was on chemo for pancreatic cancer and i was trying to stay with her as much as possible and drive her -45 miles- to her chemo appts and also taking groceries to my brother in another town, and to keep my 99yo father in law stocked up, taken to apps, med boxes filled--when my father in law fell and broke a vertebrae in his back at his lady friend's and needed constant attendance which she could not provide, and no-one else in the family could--a friend stepped in to drive my sister but she was left alone and in pain a lot--I finally hired caregivers to care for my father in law so I could be with her but still had to be with him through several procedures he had--I was back and forth between them till she died, and now am still trying to care for him but have caregivers to give me some relief. I have no answers. Just to keep doing the best you can. Your daughter is important, your mom is too. My sister was my heart, as was my husband, who died in 2019.
A nurse never really retires....the focus just shifts---that's what I tell myself as I think of what used to be.

I understand about having a little boy and what the kids have to go through with these lockdowns is awful and over political use of rising false numbers. I was fortunate to have an adult son help me with my mom when she had very bad dementia for 6 years. I regret so much wasting time away from her for a jerk guy I was seeing. She gave me all her years and helped me with my son and I felt I let her down as she died at the rehab center where they neglected her and dehydrated her leading to her death after I was preparing for her to come back home.
I know you must love your husband but he should be a little giving to sacrifice at least a year or two for your mother's last years. You can get someone to help you at home where you can focus on your son and your family too as there are a lot of home health care agencies that are covered by Medicare. Well that's my idea if you think that your husband's not totally selfish and have a good talk with him as I don't think he would want to be left alone. And your boy will learn to be good hearted as you and in caring for the loved ones.

My daughter grew up with her grandmother in our home as a 9 yr old. You don't need to choose one over the other. Your daughter will learn to think of others outside of herself, be a more compassionate citizen, learn empathy & she will watch how you take care of your mother the way she may also do for you. If you just place your mother in a nursing home then your daughter thinks that's the way to handle it. Do unto others.

In my opinion it is time for a family meeting. You need to be concerned with your child and the impact caregiving would take during a difficult time. You husband is old enough to take care of himself. Tell them YOU need to spend more time with your mom and need their help carrying the load at home until she passes. Women are always expected to do it all. Have a heart to heart with your child how you feel the need to protect him but your mom is also important to you and ask for help in allowing you the time to dedicate to her final days. If you need to hire help at your home to enable you to do this, do it! (Babysitter, housekeeping, delivered groceries). That being said, I would ask yourself if your mom would want you to place these burdens on yourself. She is probably as selfless and nurturing as you are and would want what’s best for you. Honor that.

I know what you mean by feeling guilt. I once spoke to a psychiatrist about how torn I was and she said it was not normal for me to feel such guilt for not being able to do everything for my parents. I thought that was strange...because we feel guilty when we can’t give 100% to someone we love. When I was young my dads mom had dementia. My dad chose to put her in a facility rather than being her to live with us. I am glad for that decision. A child should not have to watch such suffering... children will grow up and deal with these things in life and if my dad had his mom love with us then I would be watching a person die in front of me for the third time. I would not have developed the same. I say third time because I went through this with my dad when his time came.... he died in 2020... now my mom is starting with dementia. I do not make my 13 year old watch her deteriorate. It’s important to be honest with kids but what they see and hear during development is sensitive... if you can protect your child (not in a bubble) then you are doing your job as a parent. When your mom dies you will be left with the aftermath of your decisions...she will be resting in peace... you have to face the fact that you cannot do everything. Have your mom stay somewhere where you can spend time... make sure she is cared for...but you will never be able to satisfy an aging parent 100% and you will learn that you can give up your life for them but it will never be enough and you will be left with nothing in the end. A clean conscience is very important so I’m not saying to abandon mom...but love yourself as you love her... respect yourself and your child and make decisions based upon the future. Your child is growing... they have a whole life ahead of them... I am very against a child suffering before their time. One day your child will deal with aging parents... it is not their time yet. These are hard decisions but these are the decisions that set apart the rational from the irrational. You do as much delegating as you can... through caregivers... nurses... etc. treat everyone with love and respect but do not prematurely kill your home. If your mother were to die and you had no husband anymore... and a neglected suffering child... you have abandoned yourself.
I stress that I am not saying to abandon your mom... do your best so your conscience is clear... be reasonable with yourself at the same time. Your child needs a healthy mom and you would hope that if your mom had this decision when you were growing up... she would do the same. Good luck. You are a woman... we are strong and resilient... smart.... you have the competence to figure this out. Never sacrifice your own sanity and health otherwise you can’t be anyone to your mom, husband or child. Be strong.

I have been trending toward putting my mom's needs first and my husband has been tolerant. He's done a lot for her too. But as some of you know my story right now, I do love my mom - although she has not been the greatest parent in the world, NOT horrible, but not great either (think verbal and emotional abuse growing up), my husband finally told me, "Hey i want you home." Why? For the sake of my own mental health and wellbeing and sanity.

To threaten divorce is pretty extreme, and even if you didn't get divorced what kind of roof would you be living under if you brought your mom into your house. Not to mention your child's anxiety issues. The grass will not get greener on the other side no matter how often your guilt tries to water it.

I'd try to reframe your situation by saying you're doing the most loving thing you can having placed your mom in a facility. I dont' think you've abandoned her, I think you have sought care for her in the best and most loving way you were able to.

I would definitely seek therapy for yourself - I did, and it's helped me understand that I am not all things to all people, and yes some people in your life do deserve your priority. Namely, yourself first.

I agree that there is a difference between guilt and grief and I have experienced both. My mom lived with me and my husband for 7 years until at age 93 she fell and broke her hip. After that she resided in a nursing home for the next 7 years. At first I visited her daily and then every other day for at least 4-5 hours each visit. We had wonderful visits because my time with her was spent entirely focused on her. Then Covid hit and the separation began. My mom was in a private room and thus her only contact with another was when she was helped by an aide, given medication or meals. She had mild cognitive impairment and although every time I spoke with her I told her why I couldn't be with her, two minutes later she had forgotten my words. After being told of a marked weight loss, I contacted her doctor and requested hospice care in my home. Two weeks later we brought my mom home and, with the amazing help of hospice and other caregivers, we took care of my mom for the last weeks of her life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was the best thing I have ever done. When she passed in the early morning hours of Dec. 17th, I was sitting with her - she was not alone. Luckily I have a very supportive husband and no children in the home but I think I would have done it even if that were not the case. I was able to hold my mom, talk to her, kiss her, play her favorite music, fix foods that she liked. I believe she was at peace. We also had family visitors - spaced out due to Covid - and it gave them the chance to say their goodbyes and have some closure. It was difficult for all but in the end I believe it gave everyone a little different view of dying -- that it was another part of the life cycle and something to be respected and to have the memories celebrated. I can understand that this situation might be difficult for children but I do think the age of the children plays a part in this. Teaching one to not fear death but to honor the life of someone who is finishing their journey is a gift but it is not a gift for all and I recognize that. I would simply suggest an honest conversation with family members about potentially bringing your mother home as she prepares to finish this life and then make your decision. You may be surprised at the answers you receive. No matter, bless you for taking such good care of your mother and being so concerned.

I had a similar situation
I was my grandfathers caregiver for two years. My mom got ill and begged for me to move in with her.
my grandpa ended up in a facility in order to keep my mom out of one.
Sadly he passed away on New Year’s Day after being in a rest home for a year and a half. He cried the day I left to come to my mom’s, he knew what would happen. It will forever haunt me and makes me a little resentful- there’s only one of me and a choice had to be made.
Since your husband isn’t on board and your child can’t help with the care of your mom it’s probably safer to leave her in the facility. You would be physically and emotionally drained if you brought her home with the conditions you described.
Pray about it, listen for the truth.

May I ask a question? How old is your child? You say your child has an anxiety related obsession with fear of death. Ok.
If your child is not a little kid anymore then it might good for them to learn that everyone and everything dies at some point, including them one day. You can't keep your kid in a bubble their whole life because that will make whatever mental disorders your kid has even worse as they get older.
Your kid should experience a little reality. He/she can see grandma who lived a long and full life go in peace surrounded by the people who love her the most. Is your mom religious? That helps too.
As for your husband threatening to divorce you about your mom possibly coming to your house. Did he hate his MIL during your marriage? I can understand him not wanting his home to become a care center which is what happens when an elder moves in. It's ten times worse when it's a sick elder. That is understandable. What is not understandable is that YOU want her there for her final days and he threatens you with divorce if your bring her to your home. He should be helping make that happen. Not for your mother's sake but for yours.
If I may speak plainly here. Tell that selfish p*ick of a husband of yours who threatens divorce against you because you want to take care of your mother for a little while, to pack his bags and go then. That's terrible. You're obviously a very loving and caring person to want to take care of your mom in her final days. You're better off without a selfish husband who act like a child. Good luck to you and your mother. Let us know what you decide to do.

Talk to the facility about visits with someone who is failing. Many of them are letting family in for this type of visit. It is very hard to make a decision where mom and child are involved, but you really can't do something that would be detrimental to your child at this point. As for hubby - some day he may need at home support. Hope he is as understanding when it is him. Put him on the back burner for now and do the best you can do for child and mom. God bless you as you travel this road with his attitude not really helping you at this point.

Have you considered having your mother move in next door to you? Or moving in next door to her house (if she still has one)? Or all 5 of you moving someplace where she would be steps away but not in your home? I know that might be impossible.

Occasionally, I reiterate another's response for emphasis:

"Please seek professional help for you, to help you work thru your guilt. There are only so many things you can juggle. Your husband may not be being supportive for some very good reasons (your health and sanity?)"

* Key is working through (all your feelings) guilt.
* I would question if your husband's response is the straw and the camel's back.
* While you may now feel you are dammed either way, you are not. You have the answer within you. Listen to your gut.
* Consider / visualize your child in 2 - 5 - 7 - 10 years and how bringing you mom home may affect him. I don't mean to encourage a nightmare or frightening image of the future however what you decide now will affect your son, who already, has mental health challenges. Traumas are very difficult to manage - get through. Some of us live with them (wounding) all our lives and put walls up for what feels like self-protection/self-preservation.
* Ask your husband if he'll get into couples (or family) counseling. It could only help sort out unspoken feelings, resentments, hopes, fears. Changes occur when everything is on the table and space is provided for everything to come out.

Yes, it's a very terrible situation. I'm sorry that you have to make this "Sophie's choice." In this time of rapidly spreading pandemic, it's best for everyone to hunker down where they are. Nobody likes it, but it's the safest way. Moving your mother anywhere will also cause stress for her. If she is declining, she'll need more and more care. They can provide that in a facility. Is she getting a vaccination? Can you get a vaccination? During this pandemic I realized that my mother was tougher than I thought. She is hanging on. Hopefully we'll be able to visit our loved ones more when we are all vaccinated.

It is always a difficult situation. My father was an only child and died young, leaving me to care for his parents who both had Alzheimer's for 6 years each, that's 12 years. Now I'm caring for my Mom. With my grandparent's I had 3 children. I would drop the oldest 2 at school, strap my baby into his car seat and drive an hour to care for my grandparents and leave in time to pick up my other kids from school. This was 6 years! After my grandfather passed, I moved my Grandmother closer to me in a nursing home. It was hard but I knew I couldn't care for her 24/7 while taking care of 3 children. My son also had GAD. OCG and ADD. Thankfully, he got much better after we took him off all those crazy medications and now he is a productive adult with a wife and 3 beautiful children. I say all of this to tell you, to be ok with letting your Mom stay put and visiting often, especially unannounced to check on her. Keep the home environment calm and peaceful for not only your son and husband but also for yourself. Caregiving is HARD. I just moved my Mom into a Sr. Independent Living so she could have safer surroundings, more activities and interaction with others. It's not too far and I go over often. Every time she stays here with us, she feels like she's intruding and sometimes I feel the same way. Not because I don't love her and want to care for her but you don't have any privacy anymore.

I had my grandparents here the last 3 years of their lives. My daughter was 19 and my son 13. I also had day care kids, my business at the time... It was very good for my family to spend more time with my grandparents when we were able too before. The day care kids had grandparents every day. The parents loved it. We explained the winding down process to the kids. The aides and nurses were treated as ay other parent coming or going and were just part of the day. Hospice and the funeral home were very helpful helping us all understand the process.