Sibling is not doing any of his share of responsibilities to our parents, has dumped everything on me and the entire family is mad at me for being upset about this! What is going on? It is just like calling the fire department because there is a fire and the whole block gangs up on you for calling for help and is not the least bit angry or upset---not the least bit upset at the ARSONIST! What does this mean?
Angry, I refuse to be. Disappointed, yes. Say anything, no they are grown adults in their 50s and 60s. When we see each other its like old times. I'd like to keep it that way. If they need care will I help. Probably not since I am the oldest by 7 and 11 years. And they have families.
I too hope you have POA. Financial and Medical. Because I would not be caring for someone without it. Its a great tool when the person who assigned you is not capable of making decisions for themselves. This puts you in the driver seat when needed. You don't need to answer to anyone when it comes to revealing financial and Medical info. Your Moms representative and you handle things as she requested or you feel she would have wanted it. It gives you the ability to place her when the time comes. It gives you the ability to spend her money on her care. Like hiring an aide.
If Mom has money, then hire an aide to help you. If she doesn't, contact Medicaid and see if she qualifies for "in home" care.
Now I am "sort of" kidding here, but the best revenge is spending the inheritance on Moms care. 😊 If Mom is competent, maybe charge her rent or get paid for caring for her. A contract should be written up by a lawyer. This would be between you and Mom. Medicaid would require proof of the agreement if services ever needed.
Remember, you are the one dealing with this. You are the one it effects, no one else. If you find u can't do it, then please don't feel guilty if Mom needs to be placed. If brother does not agree, then he can do the caring.
I was once in your shoes. I was the one that was expected to do it all. Yes, by my parents as the only girl. Also by my siblings who rarely did anything to help me.
I was caught off guard. My mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina, so she was essentially homeless. I don’t think I ever considered that her living with us would be temporary. I promised my dad on his death bed to always care for her.
In fact, I thought it would be easier than going back and forth to her home to care for her.
I had already done this when caring for both she and my dad. It wore me out. I was raising my daughters and trying to be an attentive wife as well. Of course, as much as I tried to do it all successfully, I was always falling short somewhere and I had absolutely no time leftover for me.
The bottom line, we can’t do it all by ourselves. We need help.
Okay, now to address the issue about siblings:
We were the ones that accepted the responsibility.
Some siblings help, some don’t. Some promise to help, then decide not to. Yes, it stinks!
Please listen to me. I made myself absolutely miserable concentrating on this and that concerning my sibs. NONE of that truly matters! They are who they are and YOU don’t have the power to change anyone. Nor did I! It took me FOREVER to figure this out. It took my husband, my daughters, this forum and a wonderful therapist to drill it into my thick skull!
So, learn from my many mistakes and take a shortcut. Forget what your siblings do or don’t do. Forget their promises or broken promises and find help ELSEWHERE, even if it means placement somewhere!
At least have your mom assessed by an organization like Council on Aging to find out exactly what her needs are.
Speak to her doctor. Ask for the phone number or email of a social worker. Tell them your situation. Ask for help.
Please reach out. My life did not change until I reached out.
Also, no matter if siblings help or not. Parents who require lots of help usually need a staff caring for them, either a facility or hospice or both.
I apologize if I was too blunt, too quickly. I do have compassion but I don’t want to see you waste as much time as I did.
You may be headed for burn out. Trust me, I know how it feels. I was there too.
My mom is now in a hospice house with end stage Parkinson’s disease.
My brother did step up before she went into hospice and he couldn’t do it all either. The responsibility becomes way too much.
Take care. I wish you well as you travel this long and difficult journey.
Complaining that they exert their free will and refuse to provide care is not going to get you anywhere. They have no obligation to help at all.
And expecting your extended family to take sides is not ok.
So where does this leave you? You need help. I have not read your profile, so I do not know the situation, health and housing of your parents. But here goes. Your parents are responsible for paying for their care. No you, not your brother.
If your parents need more care, then they must look into paying helpers in their home, or moving into a care facility. It is not you, nor your brother’s job to move in with them or move them into your home.
I'm an only child so everything is always on me 100% all of the time anyway, so I can't relate to sibling issues. I do have cousins though; the daughter took care of everything for her parents while one brother did a little bit, and the other brother moved across the ocean and did bubkus. Absolutely nothing for his parents at all, and the sister complained bitterly, especially since the inheritance (what was left of it) was split evenly 3 ways. In spite of only one child doing 90% of the work.
The same thing is happening with the uncle now, who's 100 and going strong, with several million dollars in the bank. The good-for-nothing brother is still doing bubkus, while the female does a bit, and the other female who only did a little bit for the mother is now doing the lion's share for the uncle. But she's the executor of the will and getting a larger share, so the others feel she SHOULD be doing more.
Ah, the problems I DON'T have thanks to being an only.
I'm sorry you are going through such an unfair situation. The best thing to do, I guess, is to steer clear of all the family politics and don't expect anything from them OR from your sibling. Then you'll never be disappointed. Your folks are fortunate to have you in their corner. Can you look into hiring some outside help to come into the home & give you a hand?
Good luck!
I was in such a state of confusion for various reasons.
It took me quite awhile to figure things out.
You have focused on what is most important for you and your dad.
Please know that your answer will help the OP and others.
Take care.
When Mom could no longer handle her finances brother stepped in & told me how I was going to do things.
Thats when I backed off and said I’m done. You can handle everything yourself if you don’t like the way I’m doing things.
If you don’t have Medical & financial DPOA let the person who has it take care of everything. I learned the hard way!
My sibling hasn’t let me see or speak to my mom in 3 years now & took her to a lawyer to amend her trust to benefit him 100%.
Our relationship is forever gone with his actions!
I will not comment your situation.
I do want to comment that some, perhaps many of us grew up in abusive homes and for our own sanity refuse to provide care to our parents. I am not lazy, nor selfish, I have put boundaries in place.