Several months ago my mother, whom lives with my step dad fell in the middle of the night and laid on the floor for hours in their bdrm. He was sleeping and didn't hear her. Smh. An ambulance was called, she was in the hospital for several days then went to rehab. My step dad swears he can take care of her... he can't. She has been diagnosed with dementia and is probably at a stage 5-6. She has sundowners and has him call us frequently. Well, my sister gets the brunt of it, she lives closer so they also stop at her house continually needing her for something.
Then he wound up falling outside and laid for several hours, she came to find him and he sent her in for the phone...needless to say, she didnt come back for hours when she came looking for him again. Then he sent her to the neighbors in which took her over an hour to return with the neighbor. He helped him up and then fell again in the house. An ambulance was called. My sister stayed with my mother for the night, me the next day. She was acting extremely combative so we decided a hospital visit was in order. She still had a UTI for her previous fall. Medication, etc which is all distributed by a mechanical pill giver in which step dad cant keep track of.
needless to say, neither on of them came home. Mom is in memory care, he is in the same but AL. They wont deem him incompetent and now say he can go home. We had started the paperwork to turn her over to the state. Now he can leave and take her with him. Neither of them is capable of taking care of anything! The house is a wreck, dog peed everywhere, on clothes, furniture, beds, carpet. They do not have a shower they can step into so neither of them shower anymore.
My mother is perfectly happy staying there as she loves all the residents and isn't lonely. (step dad goes to bed at 6 pm) she sits alone and breaks down mentally and is just shattered by herself. I work 50 hours a week, and live 25 minutes away, cant drive in the dark and my sister is dumbfounded that there is absolutely not a thing we can do. The lawyer now state that we have to wait to see what step dad is going to do. So far we have paid cash for their stay and time is running out. He can not take care of her, he cant even take care of himself. When going thru things we found trash bags of medication never taken. His children have tried to help but one lives out of state and the other isn't interested, she's more about telling us what to do...
We can't afford to shell out more money to a lawyer only to lose because they think he is competent. He hasn't been diagnosed and refuses to do so. I feel like its time to walk away and let chips fall where they may. Seems so cruel.
Does anyone have any tid bits on where to go from here?
I don't understand this... they are already in a facility but in different sections?
Or do you mean they are both currently in a rehab facility?
This is important to clarify.
He is deemed competent and can leave whenever he wishes and go home, legally, he can take her with him and stop us from turning her over to the state so her medicaid will kick in. He is not competent to take care of her and wont pay the facility to care for her and will take her home. The whole thing is a night mare. The lawyer stopped moving forward until we know his next move. The man is not competent to live on his own either. He doesnt know the truth from fiction, makes up stories, wants fishing pole so he can go fishing etc... he cant, he has no car there. He is delusional and violent. Yes, they are both in care. The issue is he can take her whenever he gets in the mood. We could pay thousands to get a conservatorship and the judge may say, he can handle it. We know he cant, this is the reason they both keep ending up at the hospital. No doctor will deem him incompetent since he has no diagnosis of dementia...I guess they should live with him for a few days.
I take this to mean what it states but if he IS competent then file charges against him for abusing your mom. Or see what other aspect of the law can intervene.
I think I would call APS asap and explain what you have said here. Who was helping you with the paperwork for mom? I wouldn’t clean a thing up until you have APS see it. They need to be checking on them frequently. It has to be pretty bad for them to take action. He is at the least, self neglecting and abusing.
I might also go to the county judges office, depending on the size of your county, they might be able to direct you. You could see if SD could be baker acted. Look that up with your state to see how this is done where SD lives.
I have often found a county judges secretary to be a good source of information. They have seen it all.
“While in hospital he punched two nurses and has had the police called to the care home twice. With everything we do know, he has never hurt our mother.”
He is abusing your mother by not allowing her the care She needs and he can’t provide.
Sounds also that step dad is in denial about that.
And then there is the FACT that there is no judgement of incompetency.
So long as step dad is in charge I am afraid you are down to reporting them to APS for wellness checks when you are concerned, and waiting for "the call" that will certainly come as regards one of them.
In all truth, from what I have seen of it on AC lately I am thinking a whole lot of elders are perhaps just as well to remain in their own homes and pass there. It is truly impossible to have a life of your own and to function to help those who do not wish help. If you read the Forum at all you will see the folks literally floundering under the care, afraid they will fall over dead over the lawn mower. At some point it becomes wiser to YOURSELF remain helpless in the situation.
While they are in care, they are in care. If Dad discharges himself and his wife to his care I don't see what you can do but notify APS. And I would not myself assume guardianship unless only for my mother. Being POA or guardian for the unwilling is a crucible.
Are you using a certified elder law attorney? If not, why not? Would you consider that the attorney is maybe inexperienced or incompetent? None of this is making sense given his multiple violent acts towards others.
Safe & settled. Is that right?
Step-Dad is in AL. Is free to come & go at will. Desparate to abduct Mom home. Right?
If an abscond/abduction happens, the risk to your Mom (or both of them) is high.
Q1. What is the risk level of this happening?
He wants to.. ok. But CAN he?
Can he physically walk into MC?
Could Mom physically walk out?
Would they be stopped by staff?
Q2. What is the protocol for a MC resident to leave? What does the Facility Manager say?
Where I volunteered, a resident leaving the locked MC section needed to have that leave authorised. May be things like;
- An outing/day leave & signed out by authorised family/known person
- Signed out by staff to take to another area
- Authorised by in charge person for transport to a medical appointment.
A missing resident from MC would trigger an immediate notification to Police + staff search of the premises & grounds.
Locking the gate will be better than fixing up the damage after the horse has bolted.
You tell us this:
"He (stepdad) punched two nurses at the hospital. They filed a a complaint with Adult protective services. Then he hit two more at the care facility and was taken by ambulance back to the hospital, where my sister tried to get a 72 psyc hold, nope, didnt happen. Adult protective services has been to the house, been to visit both of them, been to the care facility, there has been 3 complaints filed, "
That I would say gives the lie to a diagnosis of "competent", but there you are.
At this point, and knowing of the violence, and in particular if this gentleman has any guns, I would stay away from being involved with him at all, file this information in your mother's chart in her care center, and be certain he never gets hold of your Mom. You may want to see an attorney to insure POA or guardianship over her, speak to the admins at her place.
This is scary stuff. As in VERY.
They were also called to the care facility when he struck caregivers there. There he was sent back to the hospital and my sister tried to get a psyc hold to no avail.
several days ago he was sent back to hospital with stomach pain and had an issue, yesterday they discharged him and sent him back to the care home. They still will not deem him incompetent.