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She will never be able to live at home alone again. Even if she could go back home her current house is way too big and too much to keep up on. The maintenance alone is too much.
You can use the POA if your mom is mentally incompetent to make decisions. If she is still mentally sharp, talk to her about this issue since she will need to agree/sell her home.
As a fiduciary, you have a responsibility to act in your mother's best interests and respect her wishes. Selling her house without her consent may be illegal and morally wrong. If your mother can no longer live alone in the home and requires another housing solution, discuss options with her, including selling the home, purchasing more suitable housing, or other alternatives. At the same time, respect her opinions and preferences, and also take into account her financial situation and needs.
By State Law you need 2 letters of Incompetent if not 3 or 4 to state she is no longer competent to make decisions on her own or live on her own. These can be obtained from her primary doctor or a Gerontologist or psychologist . Not necessarily real easy but most doctors will agree to do the right thing for the patient. Real-Estate agents will ask for copies of these also.
It isn't easy dealing with these things as there are feelings to deal with as well. (Yours) if you grew up in the home and two you feel bad about what you have to do. But it's not safe for her to go home and live alone, you could get help for her but, that's costly too! So, selling your moms house if she is to the point where she doesn't really know what's happening, you should do what you have to do and sell the house. You may have a Lawyer handle it for you if it makes things easier for you. Also, there is the household contents to deal with, with that look for someone who does Estate Sales, chances are you may even find a buyer for the house when you do this. I am not sure where you live but, if you reach out to me I can help with a few names and people that can help you. It's never easy as I work with people every day who go through the same thing you are. Good luck and may God Bless all involved.
Selling Mom's House--These answers have been so helpful to me. I've prayed and cried about this situation. I think God used all of you for me answer. Thanks to all of your for taking the time to answer this question
This is always a wise response to so many situations here on this forum. Having a good elder law attorney....even way before there becomes a need to be caregiver for an aging parent (or other relative) and activating a POA...is critical in navigating these situations. That way you know what to expect down the road, it is less stressful when the time comes, and you have legal counsel guiding and supporting you. My brother-in-law was POA and primary support person for my in-laws. He lived close by them and had no children of his own. He was killed in a motorcycle accident and my husband (only living child) suddenly became the sole support person for his two parents in their late 80's. We immediately consulted our attorney who set up all legal paperwork for going forward and then walked us through the next 7 years, through their illnesses and deaths and settlement of the estate. I do not know what we would have done without him. Don't wait until things get imminent and critical to consult an attorney. It can make a difficult journey much easier and mistakes are less likely to be made.
I spent last year selling my parent's house in NY and their condo in FL (I have POA with my sister). They are both in a nursing home, they will never be back in their old homes. Yes, sell your mom's house and use her money to make her life better now. You have POA, what is the point of paying good money to sustain a house that no one lives in? It's hard and you will be faced with memories and TONS of stuff that you do not know what to do with, but you are going to have to do this anyway, just bite the bullet and do it now unless you foresee some reason not to (taxes? family?). It is always wise to contact a CPA and ask for their opinion.
I so wish you luck. Feel free to message me if you want any other information regarding the sale of my parents homes. As an aside, my mom does not know but she does not remember the condo (dementia). My dad knew we had to sell the homes and he was fine. Neither of them signed anything and they were not involved in the sale. Proceeds went into their bank account.
Sounds like you have been dealing with a lot. Do what you can to lighten your load and know that you cannot fix what has changed.
A Guardianship/Conservatorship, gives the guardian total control over where the ward lives. Although you still need to get the courts permission to do so.
Check with a local attorney. I came from out of state and laws vary ste by state. Our attorney advised that the Legal and Medical POA did not need to be recorded. Well, true, EXCEPT for real estate transactions. I recorded the documents and was able to execute the sale as his POA. Proceeds are now supplementing his income to provide for my brother's care. It's a hard choice, but in your LO's best interest. Also, it takes a lot of time to dispose of contents. Items of sentimental value were distributed to family and friends. Valuable items were sold on FB Marketplace (rather than an estate sale). Items that didn't sell but had value were donated to non profits for a tax deduction. Finally, a vendor was hired to clean out what remained. It took a LOT of time, effort, patience and hard work. Pace yourself while you can and go about it methodically. The house sold better after things had been removed. Your situation may be different. Good luck! Trust the professionals to guide and help you -- a local attorney, an experienced REALTOR, reputable trades people and estate clean out folks.
the DPOA/poa comes into effect when the person is unable to make decisions. My mom’s doctor wrote a letter stating that mom had cognitively unable to live by herself or make financial decisions. This opened the door to the title insurance company and realty company to accept my DPOA on her behalf. We are in Florida and they are very strict here. We sold the home and the money went into her investment account which was conservative investment strategy so she was not risking much. We use the dividends from her investments to supplement her ss check and retirement pension check (from her late husband). Starting with the doctor visit was what opened the door to this DPOA/POA becoming effective. My dad has a DPOA but when we tried to exercise it when he was involved with scammers, he would talk to the bank (where he got a loan) and undid what we tried to do to protect him. We did not have a doctor to get a statement from (dad is not a doctor going person). We tried guardianship and decided not to pursue it. He is pretty much hemmed in and can only flail around with his scammer victim wisdom. He believes them rather than his family! Oh my!!!
just re read your situation: we sold the house without mom knowing. It would have been too upsetting for her. The family took what they wanted so they could have memories of her and things they liked and then we had an estate sale. Mom only had son, daughter, grand daughter and great grand daughter and they all have homes so it was nice to see them upgrade. The son and daughter got first pick and the grand/great grand got what was left. I took pictures of everything so we would have those memories. When the home was being sold but not sold; mom out of the blue asked me if anyone was living in her house. I could honestly say no one is living in your house. That was the last time she ever asked about it. (2 years ago). Now when she talks of home she means various places from her early years- I know because I ask her what home are you talking about? Sometimes it is Maryland (childhood), Richmond VA (adult hood), etc. Those subjects help me to redirect to great stories in which she is the smartest person who helped others or was a wonderful hostess. It helps her smile!
I went through this a year ago and I showed the real estate agent my mom's will and went ahead with the process. A couple of weeks before closing the title company said I didn't have the authority? I was trying to find someone to come into memory care and notarize my mother's signature, nobody wants to go there! I couldn't even get a notary on wheels ($700?) to come to MC! It was either you get a notary in here or no deal. Just like that,they were there. They said there was a legality that it was only in effect,after death. But I distinctly remember the first part gave me POA,the second was distribution of her assets after paying any debt she owed. You should tell mom that you need to sell as she might be needed in the signing. The costs of managing the property adds up,for sure! I think it's OVERWHELMING to stand there and look at what was and what happens next, but it needs to be done. So,my take from the deal was the title company has the say,they're the ones who go through the bank/financial aspects. It looked almost impossible for it to happen but so much relief when it was over!
I’m not sure how this could happen. A will only goes into effect when the person has died. A POA stops when the person has died. For those reasons, a will can’t create a POA. Any real estate agent that would proceed with a sale based only on a will when the person is still alive needs to go back to real estate school. Both agent and broker should know better.
I felt guilt and grief when selling my mom’s house, I understand how you feel. I knew it had to be done, but it felt like I was taking her last remaining bit of independence. But, it was a lot for me to deal with and once it was done I felt such relief. My mom was mad every time we talked about it, but she usually forgot by our next visit. My husband and I have done all we can to make sure she’s in a good place and figured out her finances.
I received my mother's verbal assurance it was OK to sell her home around the time we did a POA. She will need the funds from the sale of the home to stay in the facility she is in currently. Lately she has had misgivings about selling her home, but we are going ahead with it. She knows she is unable to live there again and that the money will come in handy for her care. A family member is a realtor which helps. Yes, there is some guilt as when their memory slips they ask about their old home, but we have to come to the conclusion that as the adult now we have to make the right decisions, even the hard ones. My mom will not have any dealings with the sale of her home, but we will keep her updated along the way as we see fit.
I know everyone says contact an attorney but I was in a similar situation and speaking with an elder care attorney not only put my mind at ease, she guided me through the process (and also made it easier for the buyers, who can balk when it's a POA situation). It was not expensive to get her assistance and worth every penny.
If I had not had the reassurance of an excellent Elder Law Attorney (conversant with POA, Medicaid, the works), I would not have made it, considering the enormous tasks of what I have undertaken, on behalf of my parents (both gone now) and as Guardian of my youngest sister (RepPayee, legal Guardian, the works) for the last 20 years. Having my Elder Law attorney at every step of the way to "check with" to make sure I am following State Law, Soc.Sec. mandates, etc., has literally kept me sane. I do not know if you are near a major city in Indiana, but get the best help you can purchase. Alva nailed it when she said you are feeling Grief rather than Guilt. If your mother is in care or residing with you personally, you need financial guidelines in the transaction of the sale. Only the excellent Elder Law attorney can help you with this. It's time to sell the home, and you need good legal guidance to make sure you follow the law with your POA. Please have a list of questions for your new Elder Law Attorney, who can help you understand the limits of your POA. You are learning "as you go", but the benefit of this is that you will have your own Estate set up in a way that your own daughter will not have to experience what you are going through right now: You will have made your wishes known, ahead of time.
The house next door to us is empty now. Our neighbor is in assisted living and only comes back once every month or so for a little while. Her son is there occasionally to take care of the obvious maintenance - it will soon be time to start up the seasonal mowing, etc. The yards in our area are large - an acre or more each. I understand that she probably doesn't want to let the place go; she and her husband (died a few years ago) have lived here longer than we have and raised their children here. But it's such a waste. Keeping the place only consumes resources and doesn't really benefit anyone. The place is really looking run down and sad. It has to be such a burden on the son, who presumably has his own place to maintain.
I assume it's you who has to maintain your mother's place. It's really too much to ask. You should sell and not feel guilty about it.
I should also tell you about the other side to this! My MIL died in February 2022. She and FIL and their two sons had lived in that house since my husband was 2 years old, so more than 60 years. FIL always did his own maintenance (and wasn't all that skilled at it) and he died six years before she did, so the place was in poor shape when she passed. We sold it "as is" to a friend of our son. He and his wife have taken this on and done a tremendous amount of work restoring the place, which is still ongoing. We're so pleased that someone is enjoying and putting their heart and soul into my husband's childhood home. I know that my MIL would absolutely love that another young couple are building their lives there, just as she and FIL did when they were young.
Not to worry? The Agency and CMS will come after what they spent on her after she passes otherwise just have a conversation with her repetitively perhaps put in a trust fund for the kids..??
Why assume she'll need Medicaid and they'll take her house? The question was just about selling the house, not her financial situation. She may have sufficient funds to afford assisted living for several years. It is hard, though, to sell a home that means a lot to both of you. Consult an estate planning/elderlaw attorney if you haven't already so.
Always contact an attorney. Find out what your responsibilities are being a POA. The 'feeling wrong' could 'just' be the attachment - this is your Mom's house. Selling it represents change / how she is changing and that is huge - emotionally and psychologically triggers and/or awareness of how she is declining and what needs to be done to ... do what is needed as she changes.
While this is not easy, once you have your legal matters in order, you will be relieved to sell it. You will feel better and can focus on your mom, instead of the house.
Still, give yourself emotional 'space' to process this huge change.
I had to sell my mom’s house. She lived there for 46 years. I stressed over it. Her house was water front. But I told myself that mom needed care she didn’t need the house. And it was her asset to be used for her benefit.
And soon, without an occupant, the insurance won't even cover the home.
You should discuss this with mother unless her dementia too difficult to be able to understand.
Where does mom live now? Is she with you or in care? If she is in care is she on Medicaid, because sale of home will give her assets that will mean any governmental aid is withdrawn.
As to what you can do on POA, if you do not understand POA in general and your own in particular then it is time to get thee to an elder law attorney (which is paid for by the POA document) for expert help, options, explanations, guidelines on keeping the meticulous records you must keep. If you have a well written POA then you have many powers. If poorly written and off some online site you won't even be able to do the banking work you would have to do.
This isn't do it yourself. You are talking the sale of a home. This is a legally binding, complicated process in which you will need an attorney and a real estate agent, and a banker as well.
PS I read and appreciate your brief profile, but do let me tell you that guilt is out of the question. You didn't cause any of this and can't fix it and guilt requires BOTH THINGS. So the word you want is GRIEF. It is important the words we tell ourselves. If we say we are guilty then we are saying we did something evil and with purpose to harm and that we have zero intention of changing it. If we say we are grieving we recognize we are sorry and sad and feeling helpless.
Best of luck to you. The home should be sold. Now it is a matter of finding out how good the POA is, because if there is dementia, it's too late to change it.
You have two questions: first is "am I able?", and second is implied--"should I?" even if it "feels so wrong".
First, the "am I able...without her knowledge", is easier. But to be clear, I assume your POA is a general (durable financial) POA, not a health care POA (which operates differently and is set up differently).
A general (durable financial) POA generally can do real estate transactions on behalf of the principal---though it always depends on the exact language in the POA. Unlike health care POA, for financial POA this is often true whether or not the principal is competent, unless it has been set up to only apply if the person is not competent (aka "springing"; this restriction is required for health care POA, but is [not required, and less common] for financial POA).
This has been dealt with before on agingcare.com, see links below for example.
POA selling property is actually pretty common--for example, if someone sells a home but doesn't come to the closing, and "the lawyer signs for me", the lawyer is generally doing so under a limited POA for the purpose. General POA has the same powers, usually (though depends on the wording of the POA, always!)
The second question, "should I", is of course up to you. But this might help: actions taken under the POA are not just anything you want, but are supposed to be in the interest of the principal (your mother). It sounds like this is in her interest. In fact that is why she trusted you with the POA--so you can do the right thing for her affairs when she cannot (either through incapacity or logistics). If it passes this "test" I think you can feel legally -- and ethically-- comfortable with it.
As I write this : there are others chiming in...I agree that legal help will be important to make sure you have the powers you think you do, and also to think through the tax/Medicaid/financial implications.
Read your PoA doc to see what authority you have and when it is active (ie you may be required to have 1 or 2 medical diagnoses of impairment/incapacity).
There's no reason to keep the house especially if she needs the money and you and others aren't willing to do the maintenance or rent it out for income. You also need to pay utilities, taxes and insurance, etc. She may have a tax exposure for whatever year it is sold in so you will need to consider this for her when filing.
Yes, you can sell the house if you have PoA, but do get in touch with an elder lawyer, you don't want to go amiss in this transaction.
Mom probably needs the money, right? One thing you CAN'T do is take the sale of the home for your own personal needs. That would come back to bite you, big time.
It doesn't 'feel right' b/c we are conditioned to want the best for our LO's and selling their home 'feels' like you are not caring for your mom--when in fact, it's probably necessary.
My MIL moved into an ALF a few days before she died and the kids were fearing they'd have to sell her home to afford the ALF. Turns out, they didn't--but the guilt they felt was pretty rough.
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If your mother can no longer live alone in the home and requires another housing solution, discuss options with her, including selling the home, purchasing more suitable housing, or other alternatives. At the same time, respect her opinions and preferences, and also take into account her financial situation and needs.
Thanks to all of your for taking the time to answer this question
I spent last year selling my parent's house in NY and their condo in FL (I have POA with my sister). They are both in a nursing home, they will never be back in their old homes. Yes, sell your mom's house and use her money to make her life better now. You have POA, what is the point of paying good money to sustain a house that no one lives in? It's hard and you will be faced with memories and TONS of stuff that you do not know what to do with, but you are going to have to do this anyway, just bite the bullet and do it now unless you foresee some reason not to (taxes? family?). It is always wise to contact a CPA and ask for their opinion.
I so wish you luck. Feel free to message me if you want any other information regarding the sale of my parents homes. As an aside, my mom does not know but she does not remember the condo (dementia). My dad knew we had to sell the homes and he was fine. Neither of them signed anything and they were not involved in the sale. Proceeds went into their bank account.
Sounds like you have been dealing with a lot. Do what you can to lighten your load and know that you cannot fix what has changed.
I recorded the documents and was able to execute the sale as his POA. Proceeds are now supplementing his income to provide for my brother's care.
It's a hard choice, but in your LO's best interest. Also, it takes a lot of time to dispose of contents.
Items of sentimental value were distributed to family and friends. Valuable items were sold on FB Marketplace (rather than an estate sale). Items that didn't sell but had value were donated to non profits for a tax deduction. Finally, a vendor was hired to clean out what remained.
It took a LOT of time, effort, patience and hard work. Pace yourself while you can and go about it methodically.
The house sold better after things had been removed. Your situation may be different.
Good luck! Trust the professionals to guide and help you -- a local attorney, an experienced REALTOR, reputable trades people and estate clean out folks.
just re read your situation: we sold the house without mom knowing. It would have been too upsetting for her. The family took what they wanted so they could have memories of her and things they liked and then we had an estate sale. Mom only had son, daughter, grand daughter and great grand daughter and they all have homes so it was nice to see them upgrade. The son and daughter got first pick and the grand/great grand got what was left. I took pictures of everything so we would have those memories. When the home was being sold but not sold; mom out of the blue asked me if anyone was living in her house. I could honestly say no one is living in your house. That was the last time she ever asked about it. (2 years ago). Now when she talks of home she means various places from her early years- I know because I ask her what home are you talking about? Sometimes it is Maryland (childhood), Richmond VA (adult hood), etc. Those subjects help me to redirect to great stories in which she is the smartest person who helped others or was a wonderful hostess. It helps her smile!
I assume it's you who has to maintain your mother's place. It's really too much to ask. You should sell and not feel guilty about it.
Find out what your responsibilities are being a POA.
The 'feeling wrong' could 'just' be the attachment - this is your Mom's house.
Selling it represents change / how she is changing and that is huge - emotionally and psychologically triggers and/or awareness of how she is declining and what needs to be done to ... do what is needed as she changes.
While this is not easy, once you have your legal matters in order, you will be relieved to sell it. You will feel better and can focus on your mom, instead of the house.
Still, give yourself emotional 'space' to process this huge change.
Gena / Touch Matters
You should discuss this with mother unless her dementia too difficult to be able to understand.
Where does mom live now? Is she with you or in care? If she is in care is she on Medicaid, because sale of home will give her assets that will mean any governmental aid is withdrawn.
As to what you can do on POA, if you do not understand POA in general and your own in particular then it is time to get thee to an elder law attorney (which is paid for by the POA document) for expert help, options, explanations, guidelines on keeping the meticulous records you must keep. If you have a well written POA then you have many powers. If poorly written and off some online site you won't even be able to do the banking work you would have to do.
This isn't do it yourself. You are talking the sale of a home. This is a legally binding, complicated process in which you will need an attorney and a real estate agent, and a banker as well.
PS I read and appreciate your brief profile, but do let me tell you that guilt is out of the question. You didn't cause any of this and can't fix it and guilt requires BOTH THINGS. So the word you want is GRIEF. It is important the words we tell ourselves. If we say we are guilty then we are saying we did something evil and with purpose to harm and that we have zero intention of changing it. If we say we are grieving we recognize we are sorry and sad and feeling helpless.
Best of luck to you. The home should be sold. Now it is a matter of finding out how good the POA is, because if there is dementia, it's too late to change it.
First, the "am I able...without her knowledge", is easier. But to be clear, I assume your POA is a general (durable financial) POA, not a health care POA (which operates differently and is set up differently).
A general (durable financial) POA generally can do real estate transactions on behalf of the principal---though it always depends on the exact language in the POA. Unlike health care POA, for financial POA this is often true whether or not the principal is competent, unless it has been set up to only apply if the person is not competent (aka "springing"; this restriction is required for health care POA, but is [not required, and less common] for financial POA).
This has been dealt with before on agingcare.com, see links below for example.
POA selling property is actually pretty common--for example, if someone sells a home but doesn't come to the closing, and "the lawyer signs for me", the lawyer is generally doing so under a limited POA for the purpose. General POA has the same powers, usually (though depends on the wording of the POA, always!)
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=poa+property
or
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=can+power+of+attorney+sell+house
The second question, "should I", is of course up to you. But this might help: actions taken under the POA are not just anything you want, but are supposed to be in the interest of the principal (your mother). It sounds like this is in her interest. In fact that is why she trusted you with the POA--so you can do the right thing for her affairs when she cannot (either through incapacity or logistics). If it passes this "test" I think you can feel legally -- and ethically-- comfortable with it.
As I write this : there are others chiming in...I agree that legal help will be important to make sure you have the powers you think you do, and also to think through the tax/Medicaid/financial implications.
This agingcare.com article might help too:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/things-you-can-and-cant-do-with-poa-152673.htm
There's no reason to keep the house especially if she needs the money and you and others aren't willing to do the maintenance or rent it out for income. You also need to pay utilities, taxes and insurance, etc. She may have a tax exposure for whatever year it is sold in so you will need to consider this for her when filing.
Mom probably needs the money, right? One thing you CAN'T do is take the sale of the home for your own personal needs. That would come back to bite you, big time.
It doesn't 'feel right' b/c we are conditioned to want the best for our LO's and selling their home 'feels' like you are not caring for your mom--when in fact, it's probably necessary.
My MIL moved into an ALF a few days before she died and the kids were fearing they'd have to sell her home to afford the ALF. Turns out, they didn't--but the guilt they felt was pretty rough.
Be sure you get legal help in this.