She has always been in charge of multiple organizations, and put her volunteerism before family. She has memory issues, yet tells everyone she has a brain that works and will have temper tirades if caregivers don't do what she says. She can be very verbally abusive to get her way. She refuses to be taken to visit friends, go on walks, or do anything except shop and go to church. She has macular degeneration in one eye and limited vision in the other eye...her hands are very crippled so doing tasks is very difficult. She gets very antsy staying at home and wants to be taken out every day but limits it only to Target. It's a challenge to redirect her and anything suggested she refuses. She lives in her home with 24/7 in home care, and refuses to consider assisted living (my sister is an alcoholic and would fight any out of home placement). Her community offers a senior center for activities, but she refuses to go...I'm at a loss on what to do and how to help the caregivers manage a very aggressive and controlling stubborn senior. She could be so much happier if she were open and had a bit of a positive attitude. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Mom might be happier if were open and had a more positive attitude. She might be happier if she were 60 and still in charge of organizations. But you can't make either one of those things happen. And ultimately it is important to know that you are not responsible for Mom's happiness.
It sounds like you have ideas for giving Mom more stimulation and more variety in her life. She refuses your offers. You can only do what she'll allow you to do. Don't feel guilty or beat up on yourself.
My 94 yo mother is wheelchair bound. She makes one trip to Walmart a month, if the weather and her health cooperate. (She is a two-person transfer and outings are challenging.) She plays bingo and goes to live entertainment in the nursing home. She has one or more family visitors each day. She is content. Why? Not because any of us have discovered the caregiving key to making our mother happy! But because that is who our mother is and how she has always approached life.
You may simply have to accept that your mother is who she is. You can try to remove barriers to her happiness and to present opportunities to be happy, but you cannot make her happy.
I wouldn't worry about getting her out to different places. It may just make both her and you miserable to try. As they get older, people tend to have comfort zones that get smaller and smaller. In many cases during late life, the zone become limited to the home. This is to be expected, even if it seems bad. I would say to encourage her to do things, but don't worry if she refuses. If she is safe, healthy as possible, and content it is the main thing.
You may as well get used to the idea that the mother you once knew is gone. In her place is this woman with all her issues. The caregivers should have training that will help your mother with her temper and limited abilities. Good luck.
How would she do with a daily allowance? If she wanted something that costs more than that amount, she'd have to save for a few days to be able to get it. Could that be presented as a kind of game?
It sounds as if you are doing an awesome job in very challenging circumstances.
Come back and vent any time. And if you come up with some strategies that work to give Mom more stimulation and reduce her boredom, please share. We learn from each other!
Letting go, learning patience, keeping my mouth shut, admitting I wasn't the smartest person in the room, was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I am doing this 24/7 caregiving because I love that man. He was a wonderful father, not perfect but I was loved. I had to ask myself, what good is keeping him home out of a nursing home, if he is miserable. I respect his automony, even if he is a stubborn fool. If your Mom doesn't have dementia, or very little, let her enjoy her life. Lay the burden down.
The only person whose behavior you can change is you. Make sure hat you take care of yourself.
Yes, you promised to keep her out of AL, but that was before the situation changed. Promises made without knowledge of the future situation are not something to keep for moral reasons. And I think Mom would be a lot happier. I know mine was.
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