I'm in NC and live with my daughter and son-in-law. He is taking a new job in Florida. My mom is about 45 miles from me now in a nursing home and has bad dementia. I only get to see her about twice a month but she recently said when I'm gone a long time that she is disturbed. I'm torn between telling her I'm moving and not telling her.
Can you discuss this with someone at the nursing home? They have probably had to deal with this in other cases. Does she have an accurate sense of time?
Maybe you could split the difference and tell her you are going on a trip, and can't visit for a while. If that makes her more upset, maybe you can "come home from the trip," and visit when you can without going into the details.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
I would also assume with most later stages of dementia that the person no longer has a concept of time. I know my Mom didn't realize I hadn't visited her for over a week [I was under the weather].
However, if that's not an option, I agree that you shouldn't tell her at this late stage. I do hope that you can somehow keep seeing her as often as you have been seeing her. She may not remember your visit but she still, underneath, knows that you've been there.
As far as her saying it's been a long time, in the later stages of the disease, she could say that it's been a long time in the afternoon even if you were there in the morning. I wouldn't take this as anything more than she is lonely and confused.
Try to work something out that is okay for you all. This is a tough place to be in.
Carol
We have her in a assisted living facility and after my FIL passed away she has been more active and now takes part in activities. There are many ladies there in the same situation, they have lost their husbands too. This has formed a support group.
Life is hard, there is not doubt about that. Your decision will be a very hard one to live with, but life must go on. My father passed away suddenly, there was no time to say goodbye. My mother died in the hospital under hospice care. That was an ugly heart-wrenching death.
I believe that was the worse day of my life, to watch her suffer then die. I'll be honest, I would have rather been somewhere else and remember her when she was alive. The only time in my life my mother ever told me she loved me was 5 days before her death, but she did not have to tell me I knew it.
Do what you feel is right. Our opinions are ours, not yours. If moving is your only option, then you must do it.
I agree, a note may help. Something like "I love you, Mom. I will see you soon." My dad's anxiety is helped by receiving text messages from me. If your mom is still able to understand the concept of a text message as being from you and in real time, you could do that many times a day.
I agree that elders with dementia can lose sense of time, so they will worry no matter what time frame. And telling them in advance is often not so productive, for they can do so little and have time to worry, so it's fine to reflect on plans without asking their input.
That said however, you do want to be as good to your mom in her frail years as you can, so it seems a good idea to study airplane routes, plan where you'd stay when you visit her - get some of those specifics in concrete form, and maybe you'd plan to come up and stay for 5 days at a time, at least, maybe once a month.
My disabled bro is in a nursing home, 5 hours from me, and I have worried and sometimes still do, about how hard it is for me to actually plan to visit and how much each trip takes out of my focus on my current life. To help me with this, I hired a local person who acts as a Case Manager for elders - and I've had her visit my bro once a month. She is skilled in making a fuss over him individually and spending time with him outside the facility. Planning some meaningful event just for him - if you hired someone, they could help your mom enjoy an interest, or create special presents for family, or build a changing wall collage of photos.
Nursing homes and alzheimer units staff are often group focused, so our elders can want some focus on them,individually, to help them connect with others in the home, or do a craft, anything that works.
Lastly, my brother has found it particularly encouraging that the nursing home brought in a volunteer to do crafts with the residents - he has always loved such attention and activity, so I notice he sounds more cheerful, and refers to enjoying this activity.
When I call, I always ask about staff and other residents, for I saw my job as different, not as focused on retaining his memories, but more focused on following his current life in some way, learning gradually of who is around him so he can tell stories or I can ask, and it has helped him feel at home there. He values my visits, now maybe 3 times a year, including bringing up a small tree and presents so we share our own Xmas, in whatever hotel I'm staying in. But in general, I've been relieved and grateful to hear him gradually latch on to some local activities - it just takes an individual to teach individual lessons, repeated, with attention to their pace, and over time, elders come to enjoy the support and sense of not stagnating, even if the growth area is new. That nursing home has the best homegrown music - country music, bluegrass, homespun when local artists visit regularly, I get jealous!
When ever My Mother asked Me, WHATS THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY? I always answered by saying IT'S A GLORIOUS DAY, THE SUN IS COMING UP AND THERE ISNT A CLOUD IN THE SKY....now in Ireland that has to be a bare faced lye. Alzheimers and Demensia Patients have enough to contend with, so only good news is best.
#2 If so, does she remember your home, work and mobile phone numbers?
#3 Does she remember your address?
If all answers are "no," then you've got your answer!