To what extent does one owe their parents?

Hello!
I do not have any answers. However, counseling has helped me process a lot! I recently found letters from my parents had written to each other. It’s quite telling my had narcissistic features before they were married. Also, I learned they hoped for a boy instead of a girl (me!). Oh well! I discovered my dad was probably more authentic than my mom. She divorced my dad for another man. My dad never indicated to me he he wanted a son. My parents never cared for their elderly parents in the ways I have taken care of them... and stepdad. Through recent counseling, I’ve learned I need to step back... even as an only child. Somehow... I developed a rescuer mentality. I am one person... with a family and job...I have decide what I can and will do... to help my mother (father died in August)... but her care cannot consume me.

If your parents abused you, I am sorry you experienced that. If you are in a tiff because they didn't pay for college or buy you a house, you may want to reconsider your anger. You aren't owed either of those. As for what you owe them: you owe them what will allow you to live with yourself and your decisions. If they bring up the subject, advise them you will not be participating in caregiving. You may want to advise them to seek an eldercare lawyer for advice.

I would get that I owe my grandmother because I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for her when I was her caregiver. My mom’s friend told me that, my grandmother and my mom did. I was already kind enough to be caregiver but they did it to slave drive me to mow, electric work and the work was too much that I was getting so sick in the end so I left.

let me tell you that you don’t owe them because they gave birth to you. Do not feel forced to care for them. It is your choice because it’s something you want to do. Do not feel like you have an obligation. I feel like people should not do it if they are not feeling it because then they would not be able to provide the best care that they can give them.

You seem to be looking for validation from us that you don't 'owe' your parents anything, financially, emotionally, physically or otherwise, in their old age. We don't know your entire situation so we can't tell you what you 'owe' them. What we can do is give you our opinion based on our own situations.

Who's childhood was perfect? Mine certainly wasn't. Neither was my parent's. In fact, nowadays, my mother keeps telling me that she 'wishes she had children of her own' that my father couldn't give her. She was forced to adopt me b/c my father was sterile. That's the crap I have to listen to while trying my best to offer care & support to my 94+ year old demented mother who lives in Memory Care Assisted Living. Why do I do it, listen to her rant & rave and keep coming back for more? Because I love her. In spite of her tirades and the fact that I wasn't what she had hoped for in a daughter, and in spite of the fact that she hasn't been what I hoped for in a mother. She got stuck with me and I got stuck with her, in reality. She's my only mother and I'm her only child. If not me, who? If I don't look after her wellbeing, who will do it? Should I let her live in Memory Care and in a Skilled Nursing Facility down the road (perhaps) alone with no advocate and no visitors b/c she hasn't been The Ideal Mother? Or b/c she didn't give me money for a house or pay for my college education? Or b/c she was a lousy mother based on her own lousy upbringing? Or b/c she's been emotionally abusive to me throughout the years? I can write you a list as long as a roll of toilet paper about the things she's said & done to me over the years, but in the end, I WANT to help her b/c otherwise she'd be alone in this world. And I'd feel like a totally useless human being if I abandoned her.

What I can and WILL do, however, is set down boundaries with the woman to protect my own sanity and my own heart. When she gets going on one of her tirades, I can leave her presence or hang up the phone. I can call off a visit to see her for a week while I recharge my batteries again. I can do all of that w/o abandoning the woman & looking for an 'out' to never see her or deal with her again, much as I'd like to do that sometimes. Truth is, I wouldn't be able to live with MYSELF if I took that route.

I don't contribute financially to my mother's long term care either. I don't have a 401K or a retirement income for myself, so I'm not going to use what money I DO have towards her care. The money she and my father made and saved is being used for her care, along with her SSI and VA funds that are coming in. When her income is depleted is when I will apply for Medicaid to have her placed in Skilled Nursing in early 2022 if she is still alive at 95 years old. She, of course, will be even more hostile towards me at that time b/c she will have a roommate to contend with in the SNF which she does not have now in the MC. But this is not my fault, same as nothing else has been 'my fault' all along this journey. Just b/c she perceives it that way does not make it a fact. I refuse to internalize HER misconception about ME.

You have to figure out what YOU want to do or not do for your parents as an adult now. Not based on what others feel you 'owe' them, or even what you feel you 'owe' them. But based on what you WANT to do for them out of the love you feel in your heart. Go from there. If you feel no genuine love and won't feel badly about yourself for removing them from your life, then go ahead and do so. Otherwise, make your decisions accordingly.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do

I only read your first sentence and think that you’re approaching it in the wrong way. having a baby isn’t a mistake or an error or selfish. You should check yourself

I didn't know my parents were required to help me buy a house or pay for my education. I guess they were terrible people, and so were my in-laws.

No, I suppose you don't owe your parents anything. Normally I tell people they need to be sure they're safe and fed but not necessarily by them, but there's too much angst here for that to even happen.

I will tell you this -- my dad had a terrible childhood with abuse, a father who abandoned him when he was five, an abusive stepfather, and he was shuttled among relatives for years. He'd attended 11 schools by the time he got to high school. His mantra was to do the opposite of what his parents would do in the same situation, and that made him a loving father, a devoted husband of 66 years, and a pillar of his community -- all without the benefit of therapy. He also cared for his mother and supported her for decades because while she was a deeply flawed person, she never walked away from him and his brothers. The brothers abandoned her, but Dad didn't. He chose not to judge her, and he took the good examples from her life and applied them to his. He started working at 10 years old, and he put himself through college, then Stanford for his MBA. He worked six days a week for the last 15 years of his career, and he retired at 59 to do volunteer work in his community. He cared for my mom until he died in 2018. There were 350 people at his funeral, and when we told his life story in the eulogy, you could hear audible gasps when we talked about the abuse and hardship he faced. People assumed he came from a family just like the one he created and were shocked to find it was the opposite.

My dad, not his parents, decided what kind of person my dad was going to be. You can do that, too.

I suppose if you're only 38, your parents are young enough for you to at least give them the heads up that you won't be there for them. That's enough care for you to provide.

You posted this to "Discussions" on May 21
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/adult-children-abused-by-parents-who-are-now-elderly-467437.htm

I also noticed a PM from a member dated Jan 2020 suggesting u get some therapy so you have been dealing with this for a while NO, you don't owe "this woman" and you owe no one any explanations. I think you have handled your life well. You walked away from a abusive situation. You protected yourself. Continue to protect yourself. Like u said in the May 21st post, you do what you are comfortable with. You also said in the 21st post that you really don't know the ones harassing you. Just block them, ur allowed. If you need to fully walk away, do it.

"My parent also never helped me with my education costs. And never helped me with purchasing a home and never provided any financial support since left home at any stage."

I don't think you meant the above as you felt your parents should have done these things for you but to show anything you have gotten you have gotten with no help from your parents. Which is the way its suppose to be. Child leaves the nest and he is on his own. My DH and I have worked for everything we have. We never asked anything from our parents.

As an abused child you "owe" your parent nothing. Abused children should not care for the person who abused them. You have done everything right in stepping away from your abusers.
Continue to do that. You are not the one in the wrong here.

I'll keep it short and to the point. You owe your parents NOTHING!!!

However you do owe it to yourself to make sure that you learn from your parents mistakes, and vow to make sure you don't ever repeat them.

Now go and enjoy your life and don't give this issue another thought. Your parents will reap what they have sown.

Grrrr! I would tell the "people" that are trying to guilt you to please hold that thought, you need to go pack a bag because you are obviously going on a guilt trip. Or you could say, I never asked to be born, that's all on them. Or you could stop talking to these individuals that refuse to see you and what you were subjected to at the hands of these "parents".

If your parent has assets to leave to a spouse then they have the money to pay for their own care. You are not obligated to give them any money. Regardless of what anyone says to you.

I decided, long ago, that the help I could provide to my parents was to make sure that they were placed in a good facility that could meet all of their needs. I know that I will allow the state to step in and deal with my mom if she ever needs facility placement. I love my mom but, I refuse to be subjected to anymore abuse from her.

Our parents make decisions and choices and they have consequences, unfortunately bad choices usually have bad consequences. I refuse to pay for her choices and decisions. Do some think that I am a bad daughter, yep, everyone she tells about me and my boundaries. I don't care, she would devour me in short order if I didn't keep my distance. I feel like the ones judging me can step up and help her, she is kind and helpful and generous to them and I get all the ugliness. Maybe if she treated me like she treated them I would feel differently but, she doesn't and I don't.

If your parent needs more care than they can afford, provide them with the contact information for the Department of health and human services to apply for Medicaid, that is what they need to do, not stay at home and prop up a continually declining situation at everyone else's expense.

The spouse is completely responsible for the spouse, bet they are wishing that they would have been kinder to you and less abusive. Yea, probably not because they are the ones stirring up the others about what you do or don't do. That is a continuation of the abuse in my opinion and should be treated as such.

You have to decide what you are willing to do and ignore what other people have to say about it. Nobody knows until they are in your shoes.

I hope you are, at 38, receiving counseling so that you can leave your past behind and move forward into a life of productivity and joy. We have two chances at good "family". The one we are born to and the one we make. You will not want to inadvertently carry forward to your family and friends the things you "learned" and saw as a child.
No one who was abused as a child should have a relationship with the abusers. No, you owe nothing to those who abused you. You do not mention what kind of abuse you suffered, but do know that parents who do not pay for college and parents who do not help you buy a home do NOT fall under the category of abuse. I take your word for it that your childhood was full of abuse. So no, no need for any relationship. Get yourself help if you have not already, and move on with your life. Many people do not have children at all. Your parents will carry on as though they did not, themselves, have children.
You owe them ZERO. Move on. And I am so sorry for any abuse you suffered as a child growing up.

Hi. I'm sorry you had such a family because no one deserves to be born into such a situation. You do have psychological issues from years of abuse and neglect. Everyone who grew up like you does and I most strongly encourage you to see a therapist because it helps people deal with these issues in a healthy way. I will make my advice to you plain and simple for what it's worth.

You owe your parent only what you're willing to give. If it's nothing, then that's what they deserve.

No one in this life should expect to get more than they were ever willing to give themselves. Often what happens with our elderly "loved ones" is they expect their family to revere them and do everything for them in their old age simply because they reached old age. Well, there's a lot of time between youth and old age, my friend. During all that time, if our elderly of today thought of no one but themselves and did for no one but themselves, they have no right to expect anything from anyone when their time of need comes. People like this who are now elderly, certainly have no right to expect a thing from their own kids who they abused, neglected, and were cruel to.

When you were a baby and child, your basic needs were met because your parents were legally obligated to meet your basic needs. Otherwise they could have faced criminal charges for child abuse and neglect. There was still plenty of child abuse in your life anyway. You are not legally or morally obligated to meet your parent's basic needs or any other need they have. Not when your experience in their family is as you say.
Try to forgive your parents though. Not for their sake but for your own. This does not mean that you have to take care of them or do anything for them.
Sure, there will always be people who are compelled to throw their sanctimonious two cents in and try to guilt you about your parents feeding, housing, and raising you. Sorry, but no parent gets a prize for doing the absolute minimal for their kids that the law will allow. You will never get judgement from people like me because I know exactly how you feel and there are plenty of people like us who understand.
If you want to give your parent equal to what they gave you in life, drop them off at a nursing home. They will be fed, housed, and kept. Give your parent exactly what they gave you.

So sorry you had to endure such trauma in your young life. In my opinion you owe your parent nothing. I would move on with your life. I take care of my 98 year old mother who was a wonderful and loving mother all my life so I did not have to think twice about taking care of her. I can't imagine doing it if I was in your situation. You are not alone. I read lots of sad stories of children similar to yours on this forum. I think others would be able to give you better advice. Wish you the best.

I wouldn't say we “owe” our parents anything, unless we borrowed some money from them and intend to pay them back. We help our parents because we WANT to help them; because they were instrumental in our development, largely contributing to who we are as an adult. But there can be two sides to that coin. Some parents don't know how to parent, or don't want to. If you feel like you've been abused or neglected as a child, and even into adulthood, what possibly could be your motivation to want to help them? You ask if you owe them anything for having met your basic needs as a child, they haven't done that. The basic need you wanted in childhood was love.

You shouldn't be using any of your money to help them. Have them liquidate their assets to cover their own costs. Tell them you are no longer going to pay for any of their needs (whether you don't want to or are unable to is immaterial). If you want to contribute to their care, you can suggest that mom looks for a care facility. That, too, would require that they use their own assets, not yours.

What you can do is have them help themselves by contacting the agencies that Grandma1954 has suggested.

Anon, the "obligation" you have to a parent for providing for your basic needs is to provide the same for the next generation, and to keep yourself healthy and economically sound. (go to Bogleheads.org for advice on the second).

You certainly don't owe your parent monetarilly; if you were independently wealthy, paying for their care might be an option, but your obligation is to fund your OWN old age, not theirs.

Have you read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud?

You owe them nothing when it comes to funds.
You owe them nothing when it comes to caregiving.
They took on the responsibility for you when they decided to have a child (or if they did not "decide" to have a child when they took you home from the hospital rather than relinquishing you for adoption) Your basic needs were their responsibility not a benevolent gift bestowed upon you.
THEY should have been saving for their old age, their "golden" years.
If they ask for help you can give them the phone number to your local Area on Aging, Catholic Charities, Medicaid or if either is a Veteran the local Veterans Assistance Commission office or the VA. A local Senior Center will also have resources they can ask about.

You don’t owe them anything. So sorry that you had a crappy childhood with your parents.