Toxic family believes they are "better" than me.
So, a little about my husband's family. He is the black sheep of the family because his parents had him very late in life. He has three living siblings. One is on disability, and is the very nice one, but I understand why she cannot help. Her home of thirty years just burned down and she had to move to Oklahoma with her daughter. She has been welcoming and kind, but I understand why she cannot really help as she is nearly 80.
His other sister lives in a different state and is how can I put this just not real nice? His brother lives here and is the "accomplished one" of the family having had a master's degree and retiring about five years ago. He has savings. He won't have anything to do with Mark.
His nephew is down here helping me but reminds me everyday what he is sacrificing even though I am paying him monthly and that he lost his job (he works at Dominos) because of me. I remind him that I will be moving from TX to NM and that I appreciate him and he gets mad saying words are meaningless and gets angry that I can't pay him more money (I have to pay rent and bills to)
The family looks down on me even though I have a doctorate degree (yes I am not 40 and have a doctorate degree) and we are middle class. They have not even texted Mark to see how he is even though he literally lost his leg less than a week ago.
They are over it.
Apparently they don't care.
If they do, they are p-poor at expressing it.
I couldn't care less what this family thinks or says or does. It's a waste of time.
They are an exercise in uselessness if this is the best they can do.
I think that you need to know that YOU, as his gentleman's wife, who are attempting to do ongoing care in the home, are ALL THERE IS.
You need to face that it may be time that you cannot do this alone.
Stop paying family and start paying real help or face that your hubby needs to go into care.
Which, if I am not mistaken is where he is now.
There isn't anyone else. Any help you get from them, look upon it with gratitude. They aren't into this. They don't care any more. He's of no use to them now.
You can't change other people.
Stop worrying about them and what they think and what they say and learn to hang up the phone quickly.
As to their looking "down on you", that's just childish thinking. What in the world do you care WHAT they think of you!!??!!
This isn't a matter of one-upsmanship. This is a gentleman who is dreadfully ill, likely dying slowly. This is where the rubber hits the curb.
Stop worrying about this ridiculous family. Make them as absent from your thinking as they are from everything else.
AND stop depending upon them.
They aren't there for either one of you if they are as described.
Do what's best for you and Mark right now and blow raspberries at everyone else. And tell Mark if he doesn't lift the restrictions he's imposed against you getting info about his health, you will stop coming by entirely.
Best of luck to you.
I'm curious why you expect his siblings to help out substantially with his care. That is certainly not the norm or expectation where I live.
What help are they providing?
Who is your nephew providing help for?
How old is everybody?
What is going on?
We can't provide any advice because this post is all over the place.
“I am caring for my husband Mark, who is 61 years old with age-related decline, anxiety, hearing loss, lung disease, and mobility problems.”
DoggieMom, it seems like you are moving from TX to NM? Is the nephew unable to help you until then? As horrible as your and your husband’s situation is, I am very concerned about young people in general who get trapped into low income caregiving situations (we hear from a lot of them on this site), so I kind of don’t blame him for being antsy. Although, of course he shouldn’t be rude about it.
What are your plans for your husband’s care in NM?
What a terribly stressful situation for you and Mark.
Please try not to generalize about these circumstances. Your post comes off as being a person who is fed up with caregiving, which I totally understand, but it seems like you are focusing on things that are irrelevant.
Of course, I would never pretend to know your family better than you do. You know the facts and we only know a smidgen of details.
I had my youngest daughter at age 40, not by choice, but because I struggled for years and years with infertility.
My youngest daughter is not considered to be the ‘black sheep’ in our family because we had her later in life. My oldest brother, mom’s first born was the black sheep in our family. So it can be the oldest, middle or youngest child that is the black sheep.
So, you have a doctorate? Fantastic! That’s wonderful but you don’t need a doctorate degree to make rational decisions, right? No one should be acting as if they are better than anyone else.
Your comment makes me wonder if you flaunt your degree in front of others and it turns them off.
My youngest brother has a doctorate degree but he rarely mentions this fact to anyone else.
My brother values others in our family who don’t have doctorate degrees. He never feels like his advanced education is more important than the rest of us with a bachelor degree or a masters degree.
I do hope that you can either find a way to be harmonious with your family or that you can move forward on your own.
I am proud of my degree but no I don’t think it makes me better than everyone else. I meant that Mark’s brother has stated he looks down on me even though I have the same if not more college than he does. I will grant his brother 40+ years working experience, but I am only 37. I don’t pretend to understand all the family dynamics but am just frustrated that his family, which lives about an hour away, won’t text him to see how he is.
Why am I moving? I need to be near my family. I admit to having mental problems. Mark has his health to worry about and he was my rock. I understand he needs to focus on his growing needs, but mentally, I need family around to help steady me. It is too large a city to really “go it alone”.
Is that what you are telling us?
Thanks for clarifying what you meant.
You sound overwhelmed. Take care of yourself.
Take one step forward each day and eventually you will reach your goal.
Try to focus on what is best for you. Let everyone else do what they feel is best.
Accept that no one gets everything they want in life. All of us have had family issues. Sometimes we are able to resolve things and other times we can’t.
Talk to someone if you need to unload your misery and get feedback. I found therapy to be extremely useful when I felt overwhelmed.
See All Answers