My MIL has lived with my husband since before I entered the picture 19 years ago, and she's still in our home.
She is now 80 years old, and isn't well. She has chronic UTI's, which cause her unending problems that add to a litany of other health issues.
When I met my husband she was helping to care for the children, as he was a single father. I entered the picture and she helped to care for my (at the time) youngest. She also provided care for our other two children who are now teens.
I'm immensely thankful for all of the care and support she helped with for our children, but unfortunately the level of care she needs is beyond our abilities.
We have two teens at home, and one of our mid-twenties children is still at home. He's unable to live on his own, as he's autistic (high functioning). He helps with her care as well.
Our oldest child, early 30s, moved home to help be MIL's care provider for in home care support. MIL receives 36 hours weekly of paid care. But she needs round the clock care.
She is no longer able to walk, she falls a lot and has injured herself pretty badly in the past. Unfortunately, she doesn't "listen" when told not to try and do things without assistance, and falls if she leaves her room. She also falls in her room. Though her mobility issues have gotten worse, so she can't leave her room anymore. She can't walk thar far. She's not able to get herself into her wheelchair most of the time either, she needs assistance for everything. She can no longer do her own self-care (though she's never been great at hygiene), she's much worse now. She doesn't change her incontinence undergarments at all (she is capable of the action of this), even when told to do it - unless someone is standing there she won't do it and will say she did. She also lies frequently (not a new problem, but definitely a worse problem)... she will tell one person providing care one thing, then another person something fully different.
It is noted in her medical records that she's got severe memory issues, but my SIL takes her to most Dr. Appts (isn't otherwise involved in her care tho). SIL sugar coats things to a degree, she doesn't want MIL to be as bad off as she is. I am certain she's got dementia, though SIL insists it's only "sun downers". I am sure her medical records say dementia, but SIL keeps denying that.
SIL wants to take her to live with her, because she wants to have someone glued to watch her 24/7 because she "doesn't listen" (I realize this is a byproduct of the memory/brain damage issues, I'm noting it as she does). MIL adamantly refuses and says she will just cry to my other SIL and that she won't have to go live with SIL 1. I don't blame her for not wanting to live with SIL 1, for many reasons.
I strongly feel she needs to be in a care facility. She's now on blood thinners due to a stroke, which makes things even more dangerous with as often as she falls.
I don't think she's safe here. I've conveyed this to her Dr's. SIL 1 refuses to consider putting her into a care facility, and SIL2 isn't involved except for sympathy factor. Husband doesn't want to push it either because MIL wants to live here. We installed a motion activated camera in her room, so we know if she's trying to get up and out or whatnot.
Our autistic son has immense anxiety, and I dont think he would recover if he would find MIL passed, especially if she had fallen and it was traumatic.
Reality is, she's not safe here. I've made my thoughts known to all, including MIL. Kindly. But the fact remains it's a time bomb here. She spends her days watching TV and napping. Nights are the same as days. She's very confused at who people are, and current family goings on (she's remembering things from years ago thinking they're now).
Hhusband and I work full time in very emotional demanding jobs, I've provided most of MIL care, but I am no longer willing to. It's not fair to my kids to be in this world either.
Idk what else to do..
You would prefer that MIL doesn’t move in with SIL1 “for many reasons”. How bad an option is this, compared with your current situation? Would SIL1 rapidly find it impossible? Would it ‘fall over’ for at least one of the many reasons? Would this help to resolve your own problems?
If MIL “will just cry to my other SIL” (I’ll call SIL2), how will SIL2 react? Is this the sugar-coated SIL? How will SIL2 react to the crying? Will that lead SIL2 to a better understanding about how serious MIL’s issues have become?
Where does your husband stand in this? Does he understand that you have reached the end of your tether? Is he backing up the move to a care facility?
Do the two SILs have husbands? Could they be a support for what you want? If you suggest to husbands that MIL might even move in with them, they will certainly have some opinions!
MIL wants to stay living with you. That is quite normal (far more common than not), but if you can’t cope, it is not her choice.
Have you considered dropping down the care and company you provide to MIL? While you keep on going, no-one wants things to change. At present you are everyone else's best option. You must ‘rock the boat’ and stop being so ‘good’, even if you can see that a planned amicable move would be better.
You have my sympathy, it’s a difficult and frustrating situation.
SIL has no partner and is not married (but does take financial advantage in "borrowing ' money from MIL .. as her household expenses she contributes to are about $300 a month.. MIL gets about $1200 monthly.
SIL2 lost her husband just over a year ago, and has moved back to the state we reside in. Husband suggested to her that maybe she can get an apt and take MIL and be her caregiver (paid) and MIL could help with part of the expenses with her SSI. SIL2 didn't say no, but did give a lot of excuses about not doing that (I don't blame her, but we have done our time - and then some).
Husband agrees it's not good for her to be here but doesn't push the envelope enough, as he's been gentle about it. He's very gentle, loving, supportive, and kind.. part of what I love about him - but he's not pushing what needs to happen
I don't even see MIL often, in my own house, because I avoid it. I will have someone bring her food if I've cooked dinner, but I don't bring it to her.
Eeveryone knows I'm done, but unfortunately the care is falling to my kids (the adult kids) which I don't like either. We all agree that she's not good here, but the people in control (her kids) won't push it
SIL2's suggested that we put MIL in my livingroom so she could be supervised more closely
Before the sentence even finished I said absolutely not. I refuse to have my children live their lives with MIL and her incontinence, health, falling, etc issues in their living space. I flat out said I would take them and go to stay with a friend.
So my firm and hard no worked for that part. I'm probably going to have to make that my stance.. unfortunately this is causing a huge wedge in my marriage, I'm just not sure which wedge us worse
Unfortunately there comes a time when "wants" have to take a back seat to "needs" - and that includes your/your family's needs. If it doesn't work for the caregiver, it doesn't work,
I would think a serious talk with your husband is in order. It may be difficult for him to move his mother after all this time, but his you, his wife, and his children come first.
Who, if anyone, has POA financial and medical? They are who should be directing this in the best interests of MIL, not what siblings want, Her dr needs to be aware that she is no longer safe in your home and asked for a recommendation for her care. If sil does all drs visits maybe it is time to accompany her and fill the dr in on the realities of the situation., Alternatively you could write out your concerns to the dr and send them in.
Too often the welfare of family members is sacrificed for an aging parent. by following their (the parent's) wishes or simply by an overload of care for a seriously needy person, or by the interference of a sibling who is not carrying the main load.
Please share the posts here with your husband if he needs encouragement to act for the good of you and his children, and his mother. She deserves professional care.
Her Dr's, nurses, and social workers all say that she needs to be in care. But I'm unable to be there during most appts because I have to work, and if I don't work then none of us have a place to live. SIL inserts her own narrative, which is adamantly insisting she will not allow her to go into care.
I've had the conversations with my husband many times, but things will continue until I force it I think. Either I choose to live elsewhere with my children or she needs to be cared for elsewhere. It's not an easy button to push, but I've given more than I have. And even when I think I have no more to give, I end up giving more. I'm seriously burned out
You have gone above and beyond for far too long already and it's time you and your family get a break, regardless what your MIL wants, as she no longer gets a say in anything.
And like you said it really isn't fair to your children to have to be involved in their grandmothers caregiving either. It's too much.
You must now do what is best for you and your family, and if that is letting your MIL go live with her daughter, so be it.
And don't worry your SIL will learn soon enough that her moms care is WAY out of her pay grade and league, and she will be asking you and your husband for help in finding the right facility to place her in.
So in the end it will be a win win for all involved.
SIL1 will take her, and wants her to go. I've tried to make this happen too. But none of her kids are willing to make the uncomfortable and force a different decision
Im afraid it'll probably end up with me posing an ultimatum, which I hate ultimatums. But this isn't good for any of us, including MIL
Actions speak louder. Have you actually stopped providing the care ?
When you stop , it will force a change .
Give a two week notice to all that you have reached the end , and that your husband and his siblings need to figure out where Mom will receive care . It is their mother so they decide . If they decide that MIL goes to live with her daughter who is willing to take it on , then this is where MIL goes. At this point so long as she leaves your home , that’s all you should stress..
You also need to stress that the situation is also no longer good for your children , and that the children will no longer be giving care either .
Good Luck .
I've stopped providing most anything for her. Honestly I don't even really "see" her, even though she's in my home. I don't go into her room.
But what has happened is her needs have shifted to my 25 yr old autistic son and my 32 yr old daughter (who is compensated by in home services for part of her time, and we provide room and board and food for the rest).
I've stressed SO many times how unhealthy this is for my children. No one disagrees, but they won't force things to change by making a different decision. SIL1 left me off of the decision making paperwork on purpose, because I have made my thoughts Crystal clear.
When MIL was in rehab for 3 weeks, all of rhe kids remarked at how peaceful and less stressful it was.
Thanks so much for listeninf
He can give her 2 choices.
1. Go live with SIL
2. Move into Assisted Living.
I am sure given the 2 option your MIL will opt to live with your SIL.
Stop doing what you have been doing for MIL.
Until she moves out hire caregivers that will take over what you have been doing. (MIL pays for the caregivers. Not you or your husband) Having caregivers do what you have been doing may also motivate her to move to your SIL.
She can feed herself when food is brought to her.
Ive backed out of most of the care, and I've made it quite clear what my stance is. My kids end up doing what I don't, though. (Husband and I work full time).. so it ends up falling to my oldest and my autistic son to do the daily tasks.
MIL is on SSI, and has been for most of her life. She has no monies in which to pay caregivers. My 32 yr old lives at home and we provide all of her basic needs in exchange for helping with care. She's also compensated in part by in home care services. But my 32 yr old also has a life outside of our walls, so is gone about 3 nights a week.
I have a meeting with her in home care social worker next week..
Uunfortunately, I think what is going to end up needing to happen is for intervention from the state. She's not abused in any way, but her care needs are too high for remaining in our home. I do not feel that she's safe here because she makes dangerous choices due to her memory issues and falling constantly.
Uunfortunately, MIL isn't really motivated to anything.. it's easy for her here.
If her PoA is your husband, then he should read the document to see what activates his authority. It is usually a medical diagnosis of sufficient impairment. Once this authority is active, it won't matter what anyone else thinks or wants -- the PoA can transition her into a more appropriate care arrangement.
I would also seek an assessment for LTC need from her doctor. This is the level of care that is paid for by Medicaid (plus her SS). She can go into a good, reputable local facility on private pay, and only a facility that accepts Medicaid. Once she requires Medicaid they cannot "kick her out". Most of the time the staff doesn't know who is on Medicaid and who isn't. If she isn't able to go to an appointment then use video visits. This worked well for my Mom (95 yrs old) when she needed meds for her developing depression associated with her early phase dementia. Meds help a lot. If your MIL isn't on any, I would consider this as it will help her mentally and emotionally with any coming changes.
You must defend your family. The caregiving arrangement needs to accommodate the caregiver, not the receiver, because if it doesn't the caregiver will burn out and be unable to provide care anyway. It eventually causes all sorts of damage, some from which people never recover.
If your MIL doesn't have PoA then I would consider letting SIL1 take her in but on the condition that you and your family are 100% done with participating in MIL's care. No rescuing SIL1 from that situation: the solution would be a facility.
Or, you can contact social services to discuss options, like a court-assigned legal guardian (which many people fear but in the end it solved my family's problem nicely).
SIL1 said that she, SIL2 and my husband are her PoA. I know I'm on her records as an authorized person. I am also her authorized representative for her in home care program.
SIL1 would take her, but MIL refuses to go and SIL2 and husband are unwilling to push her toward that end. I don't think SIL1's situation would be great for her, and MIL stated she'd rather go into care than to SIL home.
MIL has Medicare and Medicaid. She doesn't have any assets. The Dr.'s have advised they think she would be best suited in a care facility.. but SIL1, 2, and hubby won't challenge that she wants to live here.
She had nursing come in to the home to work with her for a short time, and they all said that they thought she would be best suited in out of home care (she's diabetic, has had strokes, has an existing heart condition, has high blood pressure etc). She's on depression meds and has been for years.
She's been on SSI for much longer than I've known her. She's mostly lived with her kids since they became adults. Well at least with SIL1 and my husband.. SIL1's being the more short term event due to her living choices. My husband is the youngest.
After her recent stroke, she was in rehab for about 3 weeks. The social worker didn't think she should return to the home because she isn't capable of self care, she is no longer mobile- but is mobile enough to injure herself by falling.
SIL refuses to consider any ltc options, because she had previously been a CNA and says all of the facilities are awful.
Hhonestly, this whole situation has been causing resentment as everything falls to me. Despite SIL1 intervening only in hospitalized times, she takes zero responsibility or care for her daily needs - including when she was a paid caregiver.
MIL's children are fiercely loyal to her.. due to my own upbringing and difficulties stemming from my mother being a meth addict, those fierce loyalties for their mom are kind of lost on me, as I don't have those feelings toward my mom. Though I do to my gram, but even for my gram (who's in a similar situation but lives in another state) needs to be in care
MIL's issues fall on me primarily, but SIL1 tries to take control of everything
Ive given up and have no idea how to push this into a different direction.
Ive been overwhelmed and exhausted by this for years, but nothing changes because they feel guilt or whatever
I just don't know what to do
I find it ironic that both you and your husband work full time demanding jobs YET you are the one who has been tasked with taking care of MIL. Let your husband start doing ALL the care as of today.
You seem to be ignoring the actual problem here and blaming SIL's for the fact that your MIL is still in your home. Time to have a talk with your husband and tell him either mom goes or you go. Give him a timeline and stick to it.
If SIL wants mom in her house then so be it. Be glad to have her take MIL off your hands.
It doesn't matter what MIL wants. She has no say in any of it because she is the one the needs too much care to be able to live in your home anymore.
SIL1 is kind of a bully, though that doesn't work with me. But she holds sway over her siblings.
And they all have this weird fierce loyalty to MIL
I don't understand why they're all content with her being unsafe.
Husband consented for her to go to out of home care. SIL1 stepped in and said no way, ill take her to my house. MIL said no. She will cry to SIL2 (and sil1's kids) who will be on "her side"
MIL is adamantly opposed to going to SIL's house.
Its a giant mess that is going to end up with me taking my kids and leaving until they sort it out. But that's hard too. It's all I can do to afford the mortgage, I don't have the funds to pay for 2 places
I can't imagine being such a drain on my own children in the way she has been. Even when she was helping with the children, she wanted to do this
It never made sense to me that she didn't live on her own. She's been dependent her whole life.
If your Husband and SIL2 are actually PoAs, then you will absolutely need the actual physical documents in your possession because you will need to present them to medical and financial institutions in order to legally manager her affairs and make decisions in her best interests. If SIL1 can't come up with those docs, then I personally would assume she is full of poo and is either mentally unstable or just incredibly clueless and therefore going to be nothing but a problem into the future. I would do everything possible to transition your MIL into a facility. This may require guardianship if there are no actual PoA documents. You can inform SIL1 that without her producing any documents that you will now confer with an elder law attorney for "next steps".
I am the one who's been providing her care round the clock but SIL1 obtained documents excluding me, because I am not silent on the situation. So it was kind of like f you, even though MIL lives in MY house (Husband and mine)
I don't suppose you have any influence over the sibs but you do over your hub. Do stress that her dr says she should be in a facility with 24/7 professional staff. That her needs are greater than can be provided for in a home setting. Make this about mil as well as about you and your children.
So options are - after serious discussion and adequate warning (a month?) to your hub, you and your children stop caring for mil. Tell him that you can't and won't do it anymore after say Aug 15th. It is then his responsibility to care for her however he chooses to do it
or
after serious discussion and adequate warning (a month?) to your husband, move yourself and your children out until such time as he has changed the arrangements for his mother's care.
I understand that this will impact your marriage., but the present situation is impacting you and your children seriously and showing your hub's unacceptable priority for putting his mother before his wife and family. Would he go to counselling if you left or stopped care?
Draw the boundary that you and your kids are stepping down, whatever way it works for you and stick to them. The demented parent should not be running the show.
I agree - check that the POAs are in fact in place.
You might talk to your local agency for aging and social services for more ideas. Your autistic son is fragile and, in my view, should not be care taking your mil.
Honestly Golden I don't know how these women can stand to be around their husbands when things like this happen. I mean there comes a point where you would have to look at this person who you married with disgust and disdain for not caring about his own family and destroying them mentally, physically and sometimes even financially to put their parents wants above what needs to be done. I don't think I would ever be able to look at my husband the same way again once his mother moved out and we would need serious therapy to deal with the aftermath.
Please stop making it easy! You need to get out from under this burden. Your kids should be the most precious people in the world to you. Your kids' needs come first - always. Even when an unwelcome MIL camps out in your house. Even when your husband is willing to throw you under the bus. Even when your in-laws use you without regard to the effect it's having on you, your home life and your kids.
You can't just wait for everyone to somehow be enlightened that you really mean what you say. That will not happen. How will you convince them? Kindly voicing your thoughts has not worked. What if you got angry and stormed off, threatening divorce, taking all the money, or leaving MIL on someone's doorstep? That's not you, is what you're thinking. (I am offering this idea because as I look back, that is what I SHOULD have done in certain situations.) Could you be that way long enough to convince your "family" (I hesitate to use that word because they are so far from what I think a family should be)....to convince your, er, you know, the fam folks, that you mean what you're saying?
Waiting for them is not going to work. YOU are the one who is going to have to shove your face up into theirs and say you're through.
At least that's what I think this morning.
The in-laws need to study up on care homes. Families can be as involved with day to day care and activities as they wish—it’s not absolute abandonment.
I wish you peace and strength to get through this transition, whatever the result.
You're probably right and she needs to be in memory care. If your SIL wants to take her in and thinks her dementia is mild, let her. She will have to learn the hard way. Pack your MIL's bags and send her today.
Your SIL will see pretty quick that she needs to be in memory care. Here's where it gets good for you. If she's living with your SIL, it won't be your problem. Your SIL will have to get her placed.
From how I'm seeing it, this is a win for you to get your MIL off your hands. Let your SIL give the caregiving a shot.
Thank you
So your hubs thinks because he is willing to take grams in which won’t happen anyway that he’s giving you equal support ?
No he isn’t , he’s not doing anything for grams .
I would tell him that it’s just not possible to do this any longer , that his mother needs more care than can be provided in your home. Tell him “ it’s just a fact .” Its has nothing to do with how “ supportive “ he thinks he is meanwhile he isn’t doing any caregiving .
How about an ER dump? Time it so that as soon as MIL is out of the house, a van comes and removes MIL’s bed – permanently, with no information about where it has gone. All MIL’s clothing and other belongings get put into a suitcase.
However unpleasant this all is – even if it leads to divorce – YOU must be the one who puts their foot down. Otherwise leaving things the way things are, is the best bet for everyone else except you.
Thank you for the support and kindness
You have 4 older kids there, plus bedridden MIL and you and husband! You both work full time? Seriously?
Tell husband to get off his pansy behind and tell his Mom she has 2 choices....MIL can go live with SIL1, or to a facility, Give a 2 week deadline. Otherwise you are getting a divorce and take the 2 teenagers with you. He will be paying child support for those 2 as well.
He can tell his Mom his wife is burned out, and she now needs 24/7 care. Him and Wife work full time, plus 4 kids, so time for Mom to go. She is too much work/stress and his priority is his own family he made vows with.
What worked years ago has changed, so time for a reality check! See a divorce lawyer if need be.
I'd tell SIL1 to come get her and take over the next 10 years. MIL can cry all day, too bad.