My uncle (90) move in with us two years ago. He purchased half the house with an agreement he would not pay for rent, utilities, or food but would do major upgrades to our house. Upgrades he wanted done as well as other things. For the first year he talked about everything that he was going to do, the second year, we began telling him we would start getting quotes. He immediately told us he was not paying for anything. He has not helped financially and gets upset when my husband and I go on a dinner/movie date because he claims he is getting ripped off if he has to pay for his own dinner. I have been taking care of him for 10 years. He clears five grand a month. Husband is retired on SS. I am furloughed for now but expect to be laid off in the coming weeks. Uncle was just diagnosed with early stages dementia, he has locked and blocked his accounts from me and told the bank I am trying to get his money, which is kind of true! His behavior is getting more and more belligerent by the day. We just received the dementia diagnosis this week. I have not done anything and I am totally lost as what to do first.....or what to do at all? I have durable POA we set set up years ago, do I need to file POA with the courts. Can anyone help me? Anything would be appreciated. My mother and uncle are twins. She is in a local nursing home with full Alzheimer’s. So, among other things....what can I do to NOT get this?? Is $1000.00 a month a reasonable amount to ask the bank for, is $2000.00 too much? Help please?
Thank you
East
If the original agreement is binding, his not having to pay for expenses will stand. However, if he didn't follow through with the second part of the agreement stipulating he'd finance "major upgrades" to your home, you may be able to parlay that into something else.
I suggest you act soon. The fact that he's been diagnosed with dementia may impede your legal rights.
Is your agreement in writing? Do you have both financial and durable healthcare POA? You do not need to file with courts. His bank needs a copy of the financial POA along with any other institutions where his assets are kept. His HCPOA would be presented to anyone who may become his caregiver in the future. Some POAs are effective the day the document is signed and some aren't effective until the principal can no longer make their own decisions. His HCPOA may state that you entitled to some compensation. Having his POA requires you to make decisions that are in his best interest. I don't think making repairs to the house would be, but maybe being compensated as his caregiver would qualify. There are a lot of questions and uncertainties. Your best bet is to meet with an elder care atty.
Legal advice on the financial situation, if DPOA, when responsibility springs to you, or if Guandianship may be needed?
Put Uncles name down for same facility your Mother is in. He is NOT going to go quietly...
As to your own risk. The same risk factors for Alz are for most other health issues, especially cardiovascular disease - still so much needed to be learnt. So eat healthy, drink in moderation & exercise is about all you can do. Try not to worry about that.
For help with Uncle's behaviour now, check out Teepa Snow's website & YouTubes. The first stage of Dementia she calls "Diamond*. Still clear & sharp - can cut you with words! Obstinate as a rock.
I'd suggest that you stick to the 'feed' arrangement - if you and DH are eating out, leave him a frozen meal. Did your agreement cover care? If not you should be entitled to compensation for care. I suspect that he has cancelled his POA, certainly it’s inconsistent with ‘locking and blocking’ his accounts. Do you have a copy of the POA? Take it to the bank and see if they will honor it. But I wouldn’t recommend just taking money from his account, because there are strict obligations and you know that he objects to it. Keep your nose very clean at this point.
I think that you and DH need to decide what you want. An appropriate regular payment for board, lodging and care? The title situation for your house sorted out – eg transfer to your names but with a mortgage for Uncle's original contribution less what the upgrades and his care would be worth? Uncle to leave? If Uncle has made a will leaving his share to you, remember that it can be changed so can't be relied on. It would also be sensible to think through whether anyone else in the family is likely to question the whole deal.
When you have got it clear yourselves, put it to Uncle. If he doesn’t agree, tell him that you are going to a lawyer about starting litigation. If he still won’t agree, do exactly that. That may well be your only option. I doubt whether subsequent dementia would invalidate a pre-existing contract, but you certainly should get on with sorting this out.
You are going to need an attorney to sort this out. Hopefully, you had one when this agreement was made. If it is a handshake you are likely out of luck.
Are both dad and uncle living with you?
Yes, you need to contact an Elder Care attorney asap and sort this out. If he can't contribute to his care in your home then he definitely needs to live in AL or Memory Care where he can be taken care of.
I don't think you are 'trying to get his money'. I think you're trying to get some support for his care which has been ongoing for 10 years. You're trying to take care of him and that costs money.
When he accuses you of 'ripping him off', that's not a rational argument, that's dementia. You can't try to reason with someone who is not capable of doing so!
As to your fear of dementia, at this point, yes, it's one risk factor, but you can control some of the risk factors with healthy behaviors such as exercise, maintaining correct weight, eating and sleeping well.