My mom was recently in the hospital and rehab, after we checked on her and found out she had been in bed for a few days, and had not eaten or taken her meds. She was very dehydrated and couldn’t walk. However, she kept calling me to pick her up and bring her home almost the entire time. She also refused to eat or cooperate with the physical therapy in rehab, so ended up back in the hospital, where she told the doctors she refused to go back to rehab and wanted to go home. So they released her! I requested they prescribe her a walker. My son picked it up from the pharmacy, then got her things from rehab, and picked her up from the hospital and brought her home. I spoke to the hospital staff and her regular doctor’s office, and they both said she refused to have a home health aide service set up. She just expects us to do everything for her, and we can’t. We work, and have our own lives. I get that she wants to be independent, but something has got to give here. Yet, I can’t force her to do anything, even if it in her best interest. I was told that it would stay that way until she shows signs of memory loss or dementia. I don’t know what to do at this point, and now have my own crisis to deal with. I guess all I can do now is wait.
She will continue in her unrealistic expectations as long as you continue to dance to her tune.
Many folks here are in your position--waiting for the fall or illness that causes a hospitalization. When that happens, communicate with the discharge planners and make sure they know that she lives alone and that family CANNOT provide care. In all likelihood, she has told the hospital that you all will provide care for her at home. And they have no reason to disbelieve that.
That is what happened to my mother through no fault of her own to a degree. She spent 10 days in the hospital with a severe septic infection. She went from living on the 2nd floor of an AL facility which was considered the more independent floor (as opposed to the first floor where residents required more assistance) to being in the neighboring NH facility unable to even stand alone. She would very much like to stand or walk.
Although she has made some poor choices in her life regarding her health she has always embraced PT when offered to her after ailments or surgery. She survived the septic infection which had been doubtful but is very immobile. She would very much like to regain that but it is very unlikely.
In my opinion all you can do is tell your mother how much worse it could possibly become. You can say you can help to a certain extent but you cannot live her life for her. If there are not funds for private nursing (which also often has not ideal circumstances) she could end up in a Medicaid facility likely with a roommate which may or may not be favorable. Perhaps this will motivate her to a degree. If not then she will have to slowly fail. I don't mean to sound cruel but you should not sacrifice your life especially if she is not willing to try to help herself at all.
I spent years telling my mother she could not simply rely on her Christian Science faith when ill and needed to lose weight. She had intervals of adhering to this but not with consistency. She is a basically kind person who has loved my 3 children and been supportive to a degree in my life. She had a very difficult mother. These factors play a part with my behavior of trying my best to advocate for her now. She has made it to 90 which amazes my husband and I to a degree. I very much wish her present state is not what it is but there is nothing more I can do. I have to try to emotionally separate. Some days are easier than others. We can only assist. We can't live lives for others. I hope your situation improves.
"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find, you'll get what you need".
Hopefully, Wasstraw's mom won't have to learn the hard and will accept the care she needs to stay in her home and not end up in a bad situation because it's not how she wanted it.
Your mother's problem is not about her insisting that she maintain her independence. If that were the case she would not expect or want you and your brother to do everything for her.
The problem is she wants her care and needs met on her terms and her terms and those terms do not include allowing outside help.
That is what she wants. What she needs is for others to do for her in some ways now.
Explain to her that her choice and that she can choose the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is to cooperate and work with outside home/health aides that your and your brother find for her because the two of you cannot meet all of her care needs. Or she can choose the hard way which is continue refusing every attempt you make to get her good help which will result in her getting sick or hurt and then she won't be able to remain in her home. Then she will be living out the rest of her days in a nursing home. After you and your brother explain this to her, stick to it. Don't take every call. Don't go running over there every time she demands it. Both you and your brother have to have this talk with her together otherwise she won't take her situation seriously.
This is what she needs. Not what she wants. Good luck.
You should become her poa & health proxy. She will probably fall if she’s by herself & need to go back to hospital. Good luck & hugs 🤗
If she ends up back in the hospital do not go get her. It is what is called an Unsafe Discharge.
Often what happens is some catastrophic event makes the decision for us as to what is next and how we deal with the stubborn amongst us. (my Husband was what I lovingly referred to as "my stubborn pigheaded German" for 32 years!) At some point there is no choice but to do rehab or resort to Skilled Nursing or Memory Care or whatever the best option is.
She passed away 3 days later. She died on HER terms refusing all outside help. She refused everything. Refused a nursing home.
She did things HER way!! She lived on her terms and died on her terms.
So sorry you are dealing with this.
THIS will result in discharge on its own. Medicare will not continue to pay if someone isn't making "progress." Since she refuses to work with PT and/or cooperate, rehab isn't going to be where she ends up.
"I spoke to the hospital staff and her regular doctor’s office, and they both said she refused to have a home health aide service set up."
If she is considered competent, she can refuse. Whoever "WE" is needs to stand firm and all together tell her we have to work and CAN'T be here to assist you every day. You can determine before this discussion what you all will be willing to do for her, such as picking up groceries or medications if she can't drive, set up a pill minder (preferably a locked one), take her to appts and the like, maybe once/week help with laundry or cleaning, but NOT daily care.
She either has to work on improving herself, accept in-home help or she will have an emergency and likely end up in a NH. It might be good to have this discussion IN the doctor's office, so doc can hear and understand, and perhaps provide his input. Rather than ultimatum, perhaps you can all coax her into giving it a try, but with the caveat that if she refuses or it doesn't work out because she won't cooperate, she will end up in the hospital or a NH.
The more you do for her, the less she will be inclined to do for herself and will become more needy and demanding. The alert buttons are okay, but only if the person wears it and/or uses it. Too many refuse to wear it or forget to use it. Any chance of installing some cameras, so you can keep an eye on her?
Set her up with some easy ways to manage by herself initially - some frozen dinners and maybe some paper plates, etc, so she doesn't have to wash dishes. My mother refused it, but Meals on Wheels, so she would have at least one decent meal? Ease her back into "normal" life. Meanwhile, stand firm and keep suggesting aides. Perhaps bring one on the days you are there to do something you are willing to help with, such as cleaning. Ease the person in, perhaps she might like the company. Find excuses to step out while the aide is there.
I KNEW my mother was experiencing dementia and poor decision making yet it seemed to be invisible to everyone around her. I contacted adult protective services several times to report my concerns, and they found her to be making good decisions. I tried multiple interventions all which ended in disaster costing me money and time and a trip to the ER for myself after having a panic attack (there’s a history of abuse)! I was accused of all kinds of treachery for merely making reasonable suggestions. I completely backed off.
Sometimes all we can do is stand back and wait for the crisis to happen. It’s not easy because we feel like “bad” children. And we want our parents, even if they were bad parents, to not suffer. My mother was cycled through the hospital for various serious health issues multiple times with short rehab stays before she was found in a complete state of filth and confusion.
Stand your ground and don’t let yourself be run ragged.
Home health can arrange such things as nurse visits, Occ and Phys therapies to get her stronger, bathing assistance. Dr orders it and agency sends someone to set up schedule. Use it. Not much time with the patient, but it is a help
Has anyone succeeded in getting your mother to talk about why she is refusing rehabilitation or support at home? She has been assessed and found to be of sound mind: when a rational person is making these decisions, somebody needs to ask her why.
And not just out of curiosity, or for the sake of arguing with her. It could be that her reasons include beliefs which are false, or fears that can be allayed.
Do not send your son to help her. Do not drop everything that you have going on in your life to help her. Stand firm and be the broken record: "Mom, I can only help you if you agree to home health."
When inevitably she needs to go to the hospital again, call 911 and have her taken by ambulance. Picking her up from the hospital and bringing her home was a big mistake and one that should not be repeated. As long as you continue to rescue her she will continue to expect you to dance to her tune. Change the music!
My 96 year old mother lived in her hoarded house alone refusing any outside help except for me and my son. She wouldn’t bathe or wash her hair or change her clothes. But since she was competent we couldn’t have her placed in a facility.
My son and I stopped being at her beck and call. We went to her house when it was convenient for US, not her.
I went over every Sunday and my son went over twice a week to bring her the mail and take out her garbage.
You need to limit the times you and your son go over to her house.
I understand you don’t want to go no contact but at the very least limit the times you go over there and do it when it’s convenient for YOU.
I also told the hospital that I can’t pick up mom and it is a unsafe discharge and that I won’t pick her up from the hospital. So they sent her home in a cab all by herself.
If we can put a LO in memory care or a nursing home or assisted living, then why can’t we place a LO in a mental facility? Aren’t there any nice ones in 2021? Or are we still living in the dark ages?
If I could send you pictures of my mothers house you would gasp. No she didn’t have any animals or feces or spoiled food but she hoarded everything else.
I had a hard time helping her because she would start getting nasty to me and then didn’t want my help. All I was trying to do was get someone to help her. That’s all I was trying to do.
My mother got kicked out of stores and OTB (off track betting) for her bad behavior. She would yell and scream at the workers and say that they gipped her out of 35 cents. Does that sound like a mentally stable person?
I could go on and on but you get my drift. I just thought in this day in age there would be more help for mentally ill people.
The extremes they’ll go to, to make sure they are in dire straits just bc their preference is to be cared for by family.
It’s obvious what they’re doing and they don’t care that we are burned out after 45 years of this. My empathy has been put to the test.
My elderly parent like many expected to be waited on hand and foot and for me to become a slave that lived only to do their bidding. Nope.
Sometimes our beloved seniors need to experience a little tough love and learn the hard way. That means the family that gets pushed around refuses to lift a finger to help them in any way until they learn to keep their manipulating and nasty behavior in check.
Often it has to come down to either learn to cooperate with the help provided, or they get nothing and go to a nursing home where they will have zero control over their life and no choice about any part of it. This usually helps get an elder on board with the care their family arranges and provides for them.
When children are being stubborn they're seen as unruly brats. They're bad behavior comes with consequences and punishments.
Same thing with the elderly. The stubbornness and bad behavior has to come with consequences. Those consequences have to be that either they work with the help that's made available to them, or go into a care facility.
The only way caregiving for an elderly person can work is if it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the one getting the care. More times than not an elderly parent or even grandparent moves into their adult child's or grandchild's home and take over. They demand that everyone in the home is now their servants and they can behave any way they like. There has to be boundaries that are enforced. When there aren't any there is no respect either.
If she still won't Sign Up,
next time don't pick her up from the Hospital until she signs for Home Health.
Yes, there is fear of losing ones independence and having to depend on family to care in later years. Mom never wanted to talk about her care until one day she called me telling me something was wrong with her and I needed to leave my job and care for her full time in another country.
However, the reverse happened. Hurricane Maria destroyed PR and I was able to bring my Mom to live with me. I now have full guardianship and I care for her full time at my home especially now during the pandemic.
I tell you my story so you know that time will pass and things will change. Hopefully your Mom will accept care and be able to live in her home for as long as possible.
In the meantime, I suggest that you begin communication with an Elder care lawyer for your Mom and also for yourself. I was fortunate to have a good lawyer that helped me with many aspects of elder care, financial and healthcare security for my Mom. I myself will be taking the steps this year to protect my finances and health wishes with an Elder care lawyer so that when my time comes I will be secure.
I do hope all this will be resolved for your Mom and your family.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I do know that they are in a safe place that is lovely and the people are very caring and I can finally get a good night's sleep knowing they are well taken care of!
All you can do is tell her that you and your adult children have jobs and can't drop everything to come over and care for her. Tell her that having in home care would help her and you. Tell her you're worried about her safety at home and having someone there would be one less worry for you. It probably won't work.
Before my MIL went to A/L one SIL did most of MIL's care - but after she went on strike, the brothers split up time to care for their mother. My SIL eventually came off strike but the sons still had their turn. We took turns doing grocery shopping, laundry and such. I don't know if you have any other family around who can split up time with you and your adult children to take the burden off you. My husband usually ran his mother to her dr appts. Splitting duties spreads the burden around. I do know, however that care for a parent/s usually falls to one child.
Good luck and hopefully your mother will agree with and aide and it won't take a fall or some other emergency to get her to change her mind.