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Usually we exchange chatty notes, but this year, I don't know what to say. The guy they knew is gone. How do I tell them where our lives are today? This is so painful that I am tempted to say nothing or forget the cards all together.
I am in the same boat. Since the middle of October, I have lost two friends, my nephew in October, my husband in November, two of my grandchildren's stepmother, and now my ex-husband who is the father of my children is on Hospice and one of my best friends from the 1960's is losing weight at the rate of 2 pounds a week and they can't find the cause. I AM NOT IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
It's perfectly fine to forgo the usual Christmas letters and take care of yourself.,think of it as a gift to you to rebuild your energy and find a little peace after all you have gone through. Im so sorry. You have a lot of company of people not being in the Christmas spirit, with all thats going on in the world. Perhaps God is telling us all to slow down and contemplate the true meaning of the season..God Bless and wishes for a better 2023 for you
Close friends and of course family should be told but not sure if a holiday card is the place or time to do so. I would send a separate note later or an email. If there are not a lot that you want to inform a phone call would be nicer than a letter or email, that way you can answer questions that you want to answer. I can tell you right now some will say..."..Oh, if there is ever anything I can do to help let me know." Take advantage of that. People want to help they just do not know what to do. So when you need help a phone call and say.."John, I have an appointment on Wednesday could you come and spend some time with "Bill"? I should be home by 3:00" or Call your friend "Sue" and say..."Sue, I can't leave "Bill" today, but I need a few things from the store could you stop and get a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread, I will make lunch and we can chat, we have not done that in a while"
You will know soon enough who your "real" friends are. As a caregiver your world gets smaller each time you have to turn down a lunch invitation or you have to cut a phone conversation short because "Bill" needs you. Not to mention a lot of people really do not understand what it means to be a caregiver 24/7/365. Another reason that it is important to hire caregivers so that you can keep contact with friends and maintain part of who you are.
Just got through doing Christmas cards with my Mom who's doing better in hospice than memory care. Family knows, but the most important thing was that she tried to sign them herself. I tried to make it memorable by adding 2022 on the back of the cards in case this would be her last Christmas with us. I had to write everything else (address, names) and tell her to sign ( Mom, grandmother) but Just go with what you feel. Don't try to go into details what you are going through, you don't need that. You spread tidings of good cheer and be happy! Family will be cherishing your efforts throughout the years. Let's hope. Merry Christmas and a much better New Year! Peace and love to you and yours and all the people who are going through this. Please come back to the forum because there's so much more you will need to know and these people KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH! Much love and don't give up!
indubuque: Say nothing in Christmas cards that you enjoy sending out. A holiday card isn't the place to get into a discourse about your DH (Dear Husband's) health. You could telephone your close friends AT ANOTHER TIME and inform them that your DH has received the diagnosis.
My cousin who passed a way a couple of years ago was diagnosed with Alzheimers shortly before her husband passed away from heart issues. She went to stay with her daughter several states away from where she lived for most of her life. For the next couple of years her daughter would send Christmas cards with a letter updating how she was doing. They were mostly upbeat, but honest about her condition.
You don't need to go into great detail (heck, you don't have to send anything at all if it is too hard for you!). Explain the situation, ask for support (whatever that may mean), and understanding that chatty notes are probably out for now. Most everyone knows, or knows of, someone affected by this terrible condition. They would have to be relatively oblivious to not comprehend the burden that you are now bearing.
I wouldn't get into the Alzheimer's in a Christmas card letter. No really. Not the place for it. You could just send out Christmas cards with no letters in them. If you want the people on the Christmas card list to be updated on your husband's condition, write an email explaining what's going on and send it. That's what I'd do.
Your husband's condition is nothing to be ashamed of or to minimize. Just do your normal greetings. If that typically includes mentioning health and happenings of the year, just say something like "Joe has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and we are taking things one day at a time. We would love to see you sooner rather than later. Additionally, the cat had kittens and they are ...." Encourage visits as you, as well as your husband, are going to need them!
Over the years our family has been thru good times and not so good times. I’ve followed the lead of my friends and family regarding content of Christmas letters: be honest about what’s going on while respecting the privacy of family members. no one expects or wants to receive glossed over chatter. if you fear harsh judgement from some friends and family, quit sending them cards. those to whom I send holiday cards want to understand how we are - not dishonest chatter. And, I only want letters that let me know how my friends and family really are. Otherwise, they will lose the support and prayers that we all need. if you don’t want to share your truth, just send signed cards without a letter.
I can't imagine what it is like to have a spouse suffering with AD, you have my deepest sympathy. My mom has it and I must say that, for me personally, I want people to know. On occasion, she will say things that throw you off and I want our friends and family to know why and treat her with kindness. If I were to send cards, I would probably include a letter that explained, rather than write it again and again. The letter can cover a myriad of questions that might follow. I do a family facebook page that is updated with how she is doing and how much she enjoys their cards and letters. I try to keep it light, our days have enough seriousness in them. Whenever I can, I find the humor in things that happen because of her AD. Just the other night, we went to look at Christmas lights. We went down a short street and turned around in a cul-de-sac. As we started back up the street, she commented on the same lights as if seeing them for the first time. My husband and I had a little laugh about how many different streets we had been on and how she would have been just as entertained by the same one over and over.
The years we’ve left behind are filled with many lovely memories, although some may have been lost through illnesses, we are forever grateful and blessed. The years ahead are arduous yet, we are still grateful and with Gods goodness and grace we shall endure all that He allows!
Just something off the top of my head.. hope it helps 💕 Happy Holidays
Just a simple message of Christmas cheer from you personally and signed only by you would be more appropriate. I was actually wondering about responding to people who ask how many years we've been married..............we aren't united anymore and it feels odd to misrepresent our relationship that way. In my mind, I feel the correct answer is the date of his diagnosis. Or, maybe it's best not to answer the question and not to send out Christmas cards anymore, which is what I've chosen to do.
Just say he's doing as good as can be expected. Or something along the lines of 'because of his medical decline, our lives are much different'. Then discuss yourself or the other members of the family.
Do what you can and what you want. * If you want to tell them, have someone help you with the writing and sending. * Write whatever you feel comfortable with (see below) and make copies to send so you do not need to write over and over again. Sign the note.
What to say ...
1. Tell them the truth. 2. This is a very difficult time for me as XX has Alzheimer's and isn't the person you knew. 3. Keep me and him (or us) in your prayers. 4. Thank you. 5. Keep it short. 6. IF you want support, ASK FOR IT. 7. If you want to be left alone, tell them this. "I need time to process all this. I will reach out to you again when I can."
If too painful and you don't want to discuss, don't. It is all up to you and how you feel and what you feel you want and can do at this difficult time. DO ask for what you want, need.
There is no shame in using the words Alzheimers, Dementia, etc. I generally stop short of all the details that make caregiving difficult (wandering, incontinence, outbursts, etc.) I generally would say something along the lines of "She has good days and bad days." Then move on to something else.
I have kept my family and friends informed about my husband's condition. His dementia has been going on for seven years. Yes, it has been a painful situation, but he is still the sweet and happy man I married. He no longer knows our children. I am not sure that he remembers me. I am just here all the time. Wherever his mind has gone, he seems happy most of the time. There are stil good days, but they are different. Take care of yourself and do what is comfortable for you. Wishing you a Blessed Christmas.
Forget the cards, it will only hurt you to write them. If your close friends worry they can call you. It’s time for you to lessen your pain. Take care of yourself.
But forego the card/letter only IF it is truly too painful. I have found that writing helped me to frame my own painful reality; while finding whatever positives I can in the situation. And it helps me to feel less alone by sharing it with others; allowing myself to acknowledge painful reality - spreading out the heavy load as one would on thin ice. If you don't share something now, it may be harder and more painful for you and the others to later have to tell/hear the whole story. ("Why didn't you tell us!") Easier to share/take in the painful news a bit at a time. By not sharing now, you rob yourself of potential support from others. With close friends perhaps living at a distance, there is no way for them to know without you sharing the news.
Moving my husband to a AL/MC residence this summer and, planning to retire in a few months to be able to move and be closer to family, I, for the first time, included a brief letter about our new situation. The result is my husband’s mailbox is filled with cards from dear family and friends who also have reached out to me with such love, care, and support. I am very happy to have taken the time to share what is going on in our world turned upside down; it’s been good for our souls. Holiday blessings to all and strength to make it through the sad and difficult moments the season can bring.
I'm so sorry for your situation. I may be in the minority here, but I think of the holidays as a time to connect, not just talk about happy things. Many people struggle at this time of year in particular. Personally I would much rather receive an honest Christmas letter that lets me know what's really going on in someone's life than a litany of all the amazing trips they took or how accomplished their grandchildren are. As for the idea that "if they're really your friends, they'd already know," I don't subscribe to that either. We all have busy lives and competing priorities (those of use who are caregivers especially!). I try my best to keep up with what my friends and extended family are up to but have limited time and energy to do so. We're all doing the best we can. So do what YOU feel comfortable with. If it's too painful or onerous to write it all out, skip the letter or the cards altogether. Either way, try not to worry about what other people will think. Wishing you peace and comfort through the season and this difficult time.
Saying nothing and forgoing cards are both legitimate options. Give yourself permission to do either.
How much one shares about a loved one or self is highly personal based on what you think your husband would want and what your comfort level is. Respect for his privacy and his wishes should be first honored.
It is just my personal opinion. If people are not close enough to talk to you during the year they are not your friends. So why waist your time with a card. It holds true with family as well. Those close to you will already know because you will have reached out to them already for support/advice. . So I say skip the cards.
'Seems to me if your usual Christmas card group does letters they will likely contact you if your Christmas card this year does not include a 'chatty' letter; so you can send cards with a general holiday greeting but wait to discuss/reveal your husband's health issues if and when concerned folks reach out to you themselves. It's still Christmas, so rely on the holiday itself to bring some cheer as we head into winter and the New Year; some things solve themselves if we just Keep It Simple. This way you're still in touch but on a simpler level that doesn't tax/worry you about being a damper on anyone's holidays nor increasing your own burdens.
Hello, I think you could write a letter to include in your cards and start by saying how 2022 has been filled with adjusting to a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s with your beloved (name). Tell them how you miss the parts of his personality that he is know for and that they all love about him. Tell them how best to communicate with both of you in 2023. If you still want them to see or communicate with either of you, tell them that although he is compromised by this debilitating disease, he would still love to see or hear from them in the coming months. Don’t make it too verbose. Instead, just tell them what has happened in 2022 and how best they could communicate with or support both of you.
A friend of mine has spent 30 years sending her Christmas cards in January….a couple of times in February.
While I’m not going to sugarcoat it - she does have some attention seeking issues, so one reason she does this is to have her card/letter/family picture not get lost in the shuffle, she also does this way to have one less thing to squeeze into her squeeze into her schedule between thanksgiving and Christmas.
But, another reason is that she only sends cards to people who have sent cards to her/them. If people don’t make the first step to keep in touch, she doesn’t have anything to reciprocate.
That said, I usually write two form letters. One of them is chatty, one of them is chatty with some realism. I OCD check the envelope before it is sealed.
I got a letter from a friend this year who said, “After age 50, the ‘check engine’ light comes on more than you’d like.” She then wrote the rest of that paragraph about some medical issues. But it was one paragraph out of 4-5.
If you (or your husband) were my friend or family, I’d want to know. Okay, in theory I’d already know, because I keep in touch with the people I care about!
I'm very sorry to learn about your husband's condition, but don't be afraid to share the fact that he cannot talk anymore without sounding bad for the holiday spirit. You don't have to disclose his medical condition during the holidays. If anyone questions about any lack of sharing, offer to call someone or text to explain you that want to hold off details until after the holidays, because you are so busy with holiday duties!
Most people no longer do cards, but if you still want to, it may be as simple as a Seasons Greetings with a pretty picture on it. Then sign it with your names.
Speaking of holiday cards: I still use cards for some of my friends and relatives because greetings share more love and fun with personal handwriting. However, if I do not receive a card from someone on my seasons list, I will save the time, card and postage method next season for that individual and replace it with text, email or my friends on social media, or perhaps even no more greeting time for who is no longer interested. Pictures and greeting images are attached to text and email that can be saved online to use up less paper space! It's automation replacing paper.
Most of our family and friends knew about my mom’s condition. Those that really were close would email or text occasionally to ask about her and tell me they were praying for us. So, I chose to send them a Christmas card from mom each year. She would sign them and the card just had her signature. It took forever since she had to be instructed for each letter. But, the cards meant so much to my family since they knew the effort it took.
Let them know, it doesn’t have to be long. The last card my Mum “sent” I was writing greetings for her, she was trying to sign. I slipped in a note saying I thought this might be the last card they would get from her and why. I received several notes of thanks.
Our circle of friends uses holiday card-letters to stay in touch, since we are all scattered across the USA. So basic health information does go into these. My husband is 88 and has had some bad years, surgeries with dementia in the background. I am one of the youngest in our social "clan" so I'm still more active than most. I've skipped sending anything out several years because it's all my trips & hikes & kayaking alongside my husband's needing a hired caretaker while I'm away. Not the best balance for a letter of the 2 of us. I think this year may be one of those holes, since I haven't yet been able to figure out how to present my travel photos when while he mostly does doc appointments & sleeping.
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I can tell you right now some will say..."..Oh, if there is ever anything I can do to help let me know."
Take advantage of that. People want to help they just do not know what to do. So when you need help a phone call and say.."John, I have an appointment on Wednesday could you come and spend some time with "Bill"? I should be home by 3:00"
or
Call your friend "Sue" and say..."Sue, I can't leave "Bill" today, but I need a few things from the store could you stop and get a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread, I will make lunch and we can chat, we have not done that in a while"
You will know soon enough who your "real" friends are. As a caregiver your world gets smaller each time you have to turn down a lunch invitation or you have to cut a phone conversation short because "Bill" needs you. Not to mention a lot of people really do not understand what it means to be a caregiver 24/7/365. Another reason that it is important to hire caregivers so that you can keep contact with friends and maintain part of who you are.
Please come back to the forum because there's so much more you will need to know and these people KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH! Much love and don't give up!
If you want to send cards, just write a general "hope you have a wonderful holiday" message, sign it, and move on.
You don't need to go into great detail (heck, you don't have to send anything at all if it is too hard for you!). Explain the situation, ask for support (whatever that may mean), and understanding that chatty notes are probably out for now. Most everyone knows, or knows of, someone affected by this terrible condition. They would have to be relatively oblivious to not comprehend the burden that you are now bearing.
You could just send out Christmas cards with no letters in them.
If you want the people on the Christmas card list to be updated on your husband's condition, write an email explaining what's going on and send it. That's what I'd do.
be honest about what’s going on while respecting the privacy of family members.
no one expects or wants to receive glossed over chatter.
if you fear harsh judgement from some friends and family, quit sending them cards.
those to whom I send holiday cards want to understand how we are - not dishonest chatter. And, I only want letters that let me know how my friends and family really are. Otherwise, they will lose the support and prayers that we all need.
if you don’t want to share your truth, just send signed cards without a letter.
Just
something off the top of my head.. hope it helps 💕
Happy Holidays
Or, just sign the card and say nothing.
* If you want to tell them, have someone help you with the writing and sending.
* Write whatever you feel comfortable with (see below) and make copies to send so you do not need to write over and over again. Sign the note.
What to say ...
1. Tell them the truth.
2. This is a very difficult time for me as XX has Alzheimer's and isn't the person you knew.
3. Keep me and him (or us) in your prayers.
4. Thank you.
5. Keep it short.
6. IF you want support, ASK FOR IT.
7. If you want to be left alone, tell them this. "I need time to process all this. I will reach out to you again when I can."
If too painful and you don't want to discuss, don't. It is all up to you and how you feel and what you feel you want and can do at this difficult time. DO ask for what you want, need.
Gena / Touch Matters
It’s time for you to lessen your pain. Take care of yourself.
How much one shares about a loved one or self is highly personal based on what you think your husband would want and what your comfort level is. Respect for his privacy and his wishes should be first honored.
I think you could write a letter to include in your cards and start by saying how 2022 has been filled with adjusting to a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s with your beloved (name). Tell them how you miss the parts of his personality that he is know for and that they all love about him. Tell them how best to communicate with both of you in 2023. If you still want them to see or communicate with either of you, tell them that although he is compromised by this debilitating disease, he would still love to see or hear from them in the coming months. Don’t make it too verbose. Instead, just tell them what has happened in 2022 and how best they could communicate with or support both of you.
While I’m not going to sugarcoat it - she does have some attention seeking issues, so one reason she does this is to have her card/letter/family picture not get lost in the shuffle, she also does this way to have one less thing to squeeze into her squeeze into her schedule between thanksgiving and Christmas.
But, another reason is that she only sends cards to people who have sent cards to her/them. If people don’t make the first step to keep in touch, she doesn’t have anything to reciprocate.
That said, I usually write two form letters. One of them is chatty, one of them is chatty with some realism. I OCD check the envelope before it is sealed.
I got a letter from a friend this year who said, “After age 50, the ‘check engine’ light comes on more than you’d like.” She then wrote the rest of that paragraph about some medical issues. But it was one paragraph out of 4-5.
If you (or your husband) were my friend or family, I’d want to know. Okay, in theory I’d already know, because I keep in touch with the people I care about!
Most people no longer do cards, but if you still want to, it may be as simple as a Seasons Greetings with a pretty picture on it. Then sign it with your names.
Speaking of holiday cards: I still use cards for some of my friends and relatives because greetings share more love and fun with personal handwriting. However, if I do not receive a card from someone on my seasons list, I will save the time, card and postage method next season for that individual and replace it with text, email or my friends on social media, or perhaps even no more greeting time for who is no longer interested. Pictures and greeting images are attached to text and email that can be saved online to use up less paper space! It's automation replacing paper.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Patathome01