My mom is going to be 87 yrs. old. In a nutshell (so much more to the story but don't want to go on and on) my daughter is due in August with first grandbaby. My daughter and her husband talk about moving to another state. They have stated very clearly they want me to go with them and will provide a living situation for me. My daughter and I are very close we spend every Monday together. My daughter does not have a relationship with my mom.
My relationship with my mom. OK, I will just say this, my mom is a narcissist, selfish, self centered. My sister and I have been trained to run to her needs. Mom is in independent living and is well taken care of by 2 caregivers. She has slight dementia, does not drive. Also, bounces back from near death experiences. If my daughter moves what is my responsibility to my mom? My sister & her husband moved her from Colorado to help and was very upset when I told her the possibility of moving. We all want to live our own lives but feel a responsibility to our mom. Ugg.
I don't know that I would move because my daughter is moving. I understand about her being your bestie, because my own daughter is mine. I absolutely love her like all get out, but her life is in another state. I fly to her twice a year, and she usually comes here at least once, and we are otherwise in touch daily. Her son, my grandson was raised by her hubby and her in that state, and still lives there.
I think our kids leave the nest and make their own lives.
I guess I would also be loathe to leave my sister as the only one when I have been HER bestie, as well. BUT she can make her own choices for her own life, and if mom has to go into care, so be it. She will have to do as she will do.
For myself this question would be ALL ABOUT ME. (I know. I know). Not about moms and sisters and daughters and grandkids. But that's how I have lived my life. So my question would be to myself. Am I wanting to move? Am I ready for that adventure and new life? Is that what I really want to do with my life now?
We can't have it both ways, tho I will say that sometimes we can have it ALMOST both ways. Airlines are a mess these days but they will get us there, and we can have a month with daughter and the grandkids, or flying opposite direction with mom and sis.
Up to you. Decide what YOU want. It's good to have two choices in life. I wish you the best and hope you will update us on yours.
As for your mother - she is well taken care of and no matter where you eventually chose to live your sis is still available if needed.
You've now earned the right to make your life about yourself, as your mom has had her life and your daughter is just starting hers, so please choose wisely.
Your mother is in independent living, she has her needs covered, not sure why she has 2 caregivers, if she needs that much care she might need to be in AL as she is no longer independent.
The bottom line is do what you want to, we certainly cannot know what is best for you.
Why do you have to move with them immediately? Why not give it some time to cure? They might not even like where they are moving to and want to move again, then what?
All I can offer is to slow down, sit back and watch, then decide.
There was a running joke in my family.....where would I move next to escape my parents following me all over the country to be near me and their grandchildren? Europe? Greenland? Turned out to be the East coast which was cost prohibitive for them, fortunately.
Extended family living arrangements are not often viable for the long term. If you'd like to keep a close relationship with your daughter, the best thing may be to live apart from her as you do your mother. Help each out as you are able but live your own best life in the meantime.
Good luck
I would wait until you daughter gets settled. Then visit for a week or two. Check out the cost of living and could u live on your own. I have a feeling they may want a babysitter. You may not even like where they chose to live.
If your Mom is in independent living with 2 caregivers, maybe time for Assisted Living.
Independent living for mom, independence for your daughter and her family and of course, your own independence. All are equally important!
Best wishes to you and your family. Enjoy your precious grandchild!
She is paying caregivers to "run to her needs" Let them!
Next time she calls say "Mom, I'm busy now let "Sophia or Maggie" help you"
If she yells and throws a temper tantrum..let her.
A side comment though with the dementia someone should be nearby to monitor her decline so that if/when she needs to move to Memory Care that decision can be made. Unless the caregivers are able to manage her through the decline and she can remain where she is or at least a move to Assisted Living so there will be more help available.
Live your life. Mom is taken care of where she is and with the help she has.
Thank you, for the responses. I appreciate them.
Do not move in with your daughter if that is their "provide a living situation" for you idea. Unless they have a completely separate in-law suite/apartment for you, I wouldn't even consider moving. It sounds to me that their plans are still too preliminary for you to make any decision.
Once they're moved, go visit them. Be realistic about the space you want and need including privacy and freedom to find people your own age, hobbies, etc. If they're expecting you to be your grandchild's babysitter, that sounds exhausting and presumptuous. Not to say you wouldn't want to help out, but that is not a sustainable child-care plan.