I found out that my 86 year old parent has asked my two siblings to pay for a caregiver in he and his wife's home and requested $1,000 dollars a month, so $500 each. This is not an inexpensive region! He does need a caregiver and his wife still work's etc. I know they are not planning on selling their home as I guess they really like it and got a reverse mortgage . I thought that would be a good way to pay a caregiver. My question is, if there was extra money I'm fairly sure my siblings they would pitch in. The problem is his adult children in their sixties (them) were always not really paid attention to, and her four adult children were. I know that his children may be really responsible, but its hard to be the ones asked when they were the ones not included. My sister let him know her feelings as it has been difficult over the years to watch/handle. I would suck it up cause its my parent, but they may will not. What to do?
If your parents can't afford their own care then they may need to sell their house and apply for Medicaid. Again, period, end of conversation.
I will never understand why parents would ever expect their children to support them financially. That is just so unfair. Period, end of conversation.
1) Parents have an income from Mother and also from a reverse mortgage. Why can’t they cover their own expenses? They have a ‘nice’ house in an expensive area – is it bigger than they should be affording?
2) $1000 a month will cover just over 10 hours a week of caregiver time at average rates. That’s not much care. What are Father’s care needs, and how do those hours meet them?
3) Care needs normally increase. Will the $1000 creep up? How far? Who gets asked next? What are the plans for the future?
You will of course make your own decisions. For myself, I wouldn’t enter into this without a full understanding of their finances and their future plans. I’d also talk it through with the step-siblings. If they pay now, you will find it difficult to knock back the next request. I’m careful with our own money, and I would be asking the same questions about this as I would if DH and I took on any long term obligation. If parents don’t want to give details, they should sort things out themselves. And yes, it’s their responsibility, not the responsibility of any of the offspring.
If their needs have changed - they must make changes.
To expect others to pay for their expenses is entitled.
The next task of life is before them: adjusting to old age & possibly downsizing.
Wanting to avoid all changes is futile. Wanting their kids to prevent old age is useless & just prolongs believing in magical thinking. Let reality happen.
Buy gifts when you like for birthdays, holidays etc but let them sort out their own living arrangements.
I agree with another poster that if they have a home, they should look into doing a reverse mortgage.
I wouldn't recommend just giving money. Make them show and prove why they can't make it on his retirement and her wages. They don't get to live anyway they choose at someone else's expense, doesn't matter that they are your parent. I would demand that one of you has full control of all finances, including her wages, if any of you need to prop up the situation. You will be surprised how things change when responsibility and accountability is demanded with no exceptions.
No, neither you nor siblings are responsible for Dads care. I am surprised that wife works and there is a reversed mortgage. Is the house in his name only? If he dies, she may not have a home.
I agree, that they may be spending money they don't need to. If he needs care, his wife and him are responsible for that bill, not his children. I would have helped Mom if it meant she did everything to meet her bills. Mom did not spend on junk. My MIL spent money on stuff she did not need. Her I would say stop buying the junk and u can pay your bills.
The point being, to answer your headline question, that the person responsible for paying for your father's care is... [drumroll]... your father. Not his three children, nor your stepmother's four.
Is it perhaps time for a family conference, perhaps using Zoom or MS Teams or similar, to discuss the way forward? It certainly seems that the time has come when your father recognises he does need support, it's just he has no business assuming his children owe it to him.