I don't understand why my mom, 82, widowed, refuses to make changes that would help her stay in her home and be more comfortable and a little bit safer. She has plenty of money, and even if she didn't, I could help her financially.
Her mattress is more than 50 years old (but my late father slept there, and so it must stay, shrine-like). She won't let us move her washer and dryer out of the basement or convert the den into a first-floor bedroom (her house has 10 rooms and she lives alone). She won't use a cane...just grabs onto the backs of chairs and walls to steady herself. She often doesn't wear her hearing aids. She hates the chair she sits in every night and b*****s about it (my sister bought it for her and has offered to replace it, but Mom won't let her).
Why? I don't get it! She is so uncomfortable in her own skin and house. She refuses to move but also hates that the house needs work (it'll be a total tear down after she dies…poor construction and a money pit). In a nutshell, she won't do anything intelligent to stave off a disaster. My guess is she'll die at the bottom of the stairs because she didn't want to admit she shouldn't be using them.
I just hope and pray (and plan!) not to follow in her footsteps. She is my second job, and I HAVE a fulltime job! I would never torture my kids with worry and stupid choices the way she has to my sister and me. It's totally degraded our relationship to the point where I want to scream. I know it's awful, but I hope she passes away sooner rather than later, because every day, there's some flailing on her part that could be avoided with just a teeny bit of common sense or acknowledgement that she's not 40 anymore. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GETTING OLDER! But why be so STUPID about it???
Okay, venting is over. Thanks, forum.
I can understand wanting to do things "our way" but WITHIN REASON and using SOME SAFETY GUIDELINES, for petesake. Common sense is not very common these days, is the moral of the story.
Pick and choose your battles. The mattress is no big deal (IMO). Sure she deserves a better one, but unless you feel it’s keeping her awake at night, leave that alone.
Tell her the washer and dryer is getting moved upstairs for everyone’s benefit and then do it. Tell her it’s happening and she can’t make it not happen. It’s important and it’s for everyone’s convenience.
Let go of the rest of the stuff. Like my MIL, something bad is going to have to happen for real change to occur. That is just how it is these days.
When that something happens, it’s not your fault. You are doing what she wants.
It’s tough to watch poor decision making. Sorry that you’re going through this.
His house was a wreck, disgusting, he actually used Priority Mail Tape to shore up his windows from the cold, that was when the post office handed out rolls free.
It took me two months to clear out all the crap and rehab the house so it would be saleable.
So he dies and leaves everything to me as I was his only child, guess what I do? I spend it!
i sooooooooo understand you.
i don't have any solution. i just understand you.
"I would never torture my kids with worry and stupid choices the way she has to my sister and me."
righttttttttt.
"It's totally degraded our relationship to the point where I want to scream."
yup.
hope you're having a good, non-screaming day!!
Even a friend "Jane, if I had this house, I would move everything to the main floor. The w/d I would bring up here. I would be afraid I'd break my neck on those stairs. My bedroom too, bring it down here. Then everything would be so much more convenient. They don't listen to their children.
My RN daughter says, you let them think they made the decision.
My mother swore she wouldn’t be like her father and refuse to wear hearing aids when the time came to need them, but she did exactly that. My brother even stopped talking to her because he was sick and tired of having to yell everything to be heard.
Who knows why they're so resistant to change, but they are. Better to just go with the flow and practice selective deafness at the complaining.
...i think i'll start writing a script for a movie. sounds like the start of a comedy..............or...............a tragedy. MJ, you'll be in the script, too.
❤️🙂
My mom would never want to do sensical things either and OMG did it piss me off. Now she's not living with me and is in AL so I can deal with it cuz it's not in my face 24/7. Most of my mom's poor decisions were in the health arena. Just accepting decline as inevitable which is complete BS. Well, yes people decline but when you have bone-on-bone arthritis in your knees, the solution is to get your knees replaced which I basically forced her to do cuz I did not want to become her slave which her mobility decreasing was going to make her end up in a wheelchair and then a nursing home cuz I was NOT going to deal with that. Cataract surgery? Same thing. If I hadn't forced her, she'd basically be blind by now.
She has hearing aids but won't wear them? Nice. My mom's hearing is poor but with her dementia, I know getting her to wear them would be an impossibility. So, I had decided a long time ago that I was not going to scream at her (or my husband) so that she can hear me. I always felt like - I'm not the one who's going to do all the work when they don't give a crap about doing what they can to solve their own problems.
I think it is time for you to get some help for your mom. You deserve to have more time with your kids and grandchild. She won't like it but that's not the point. You probably don't like spending so much time and energy dealing with her, sooooo there you go. When my mom lived with me, I started with a cleaning lady when she couldn't take care of changing her sheets and keeping her room and bathroom clean. Not my job. Then I started adding caregivers and slowly increasing the days and hours until I had some level of independence back. But I still had to coordinate everything and fill in the huge gaps when there were no care givers. Your needs matter too. Not just hers.
If you want the washer and dryer moved, tell her it's for YOU because you don't like going downstairs to do her laundry or some other reason that makes sense.
I'm glad you came here to vent. I have always found it so helpful along my journey with my mom. It's not easy and you can feel really alone since no one understands unless they've been there!
Best of luck.
Would make me look old.
I'll just clutch the furniture to keep my balance.. I look so much younger doing that.. Like a cute baby learning to take steps. Add a bit of teen sass & I'm invincible attitude & "I'll manage just fine, thank-you".
Until I can't & then you'd better be at my beck & call so I can keep on looking young & being independant.
let's scream together and sound like two cats.
🙂
I am not surprised.
They frequently fail to even test fir UTI even if the elderly person has clouded, stinky urine and sudden confusion.
Ive seen it.
One day mom was unhappy that she has help - she’s fiercely independent - for things she can’t do or remember anymore. I jokingly told her if she didn’t want me to help her she really messed up as my parent. She took care of everyone -
her mom, MIL, dads aunt, MIL’s caregiver… so if she didn’t want me to learn how to take care of family as they age she shouldn’t have been such a great role model. :)
I am 81. I can tell you that there is a whole lot wrong with getting older. Start at the top. The hair thins, the eyes weaken and get all kinds of conditions requiring surgery, shots into the eyes, and ultimately you go blind. The balance because of brain changes is dreadful no matter how much you want to do exercises for it, and you had better do them! You cannot hear as well. Your neck muscles stiffen and hurt, and headaches can result. Your bones ache, as do your joints. Your heart will act up eventually in some manner whether weakening pump or arrhythmias. I could go on, but we are heading toward the bowel and bladder, and honestly you don't want to KNOW.
So instead of going through every system, I will just assure you it is a time of great loss. Family often moves and certainly have their own lives and nuclear family to deal with.
Your children, who once came for advice now have a whole lot of advice to GIVE you.
I am one of the lucky ones. No major systems have given out. I can still walk, garden, read, foster dogs, manage my own life, and no one is yet trying to manage my life FOR me or tell me what to do (Thought I have heard the phrase "do you have plans"). And that will change, and there's no upside coming. I will only get older. Things will get worse. My daughter will become worried.
So that is from the perspective of someone more near your mom's age, than your own. You might also want to consider if she is honestly a whole lot different. Wasn't she always someone who wanted to manage her own life.
That's my own vent. Now to MY advice.
I would have a gentle, honest sit-down talk in which you SEEK information from your MOM. Tell her that you have now a tendency to want to try to make things easier for her. Ask her if that bothers her. Ask her to let you know when you can help if she WANTS help, and HOW can you help. Tell her you may be annoying her, but it is out of love. Tell her that you, yourself are a bit scared. Because just trying to give you another perspective, your mom think that much of what you want HER to do, you want her to do FOR YOU. So that you don't worry. So that you don't get "that call" you don't want from EMS that your Mom fell on the stairs. But you WILL get it. It IS coming as surely as your mom's balance is going. She's my age. My daughter, 61, will be getting "that call" as well, no matter what we all do about all of these changes.
Believe it or not, my heart goes out to you, and to my own daughter as well. As soon as you can get us all neatly packed away into some lovely ALF you will feel better. We may feel better as well; who knows.
This is the face of aging. My own opinion as an old retired RN is that we should be issued our final exit pill at age 65 or when we start collecting SS, whichever comes first. But that's me. It would at least give us some CHOICE in all this.
My best to you, OP. I can identify from BOTH sides.
person job and both have to do their part for the other.
I am polite and caring about it. “Ok mom, call me back when they’re in - talk to you soon” or I just get them and hand them to her.
In all fairness they are annoying to wear, or so it seems.
See life from their "perspective," including fears / brain chemistry changes.
You are trying to understand her behavior from your point-of-view and this doesn't work in terms of resolving or understanding what is happening or how to proceed.
Your post says much more about how angry you are than it says about your mom's needs, life/brain changes, she is going through. Developing compassion is one of the best qualities you can develop - in life, and when dealing with a person when their brain changes / when they lose brain cells because they die.
The more you educate yourself on your mom's condition, the better off she and you will be - as your energy now appears very toxic and will be to both of you, until you see the situation from another perspective.
Resisting care and general stubbornness are two hallmarks of dementia, and they are among the most common reasons that adult children look for help as caregivers.
Ten warning signs of dementia
Dementia and memory loss. ...
Dementia and difficulty with tasks. ...
Dementia and disorientation. ...
Dementia and language problems. ...
Dementia and changes in abstract thinking. ...
Dementia and poor judgement. ...
Dementia and poor spatial skills. ...
Dementia and misplacing things.
Gena / Touch Matters
but have YOU cared for someone for five years without help without a break everyday with violent dementia.
Have you had to cook clean do a 1000 other tasks pretending that the dementia patient did it all herself.
You my dear need to educate yourself on carers and the role they play and carers burnout.
carers burnout happens because people like you don’t educate themselves or don’t want to understand the other side of the coin .
very narrow minded
That you use the word "STUPID" speaks volumes of your lack of empathy and understanding.
Scream all you want.
Educate yourself.
Develop compassion.
Step outside your own experience into another's ...
Clearly you do not want to be doing what you are doing in regards to your mom. Get into therapy yourself and find support for your mom. She needs a break from you.
I feel it’s less about getting old and more about becoming irrelevant. So they wreak havoc to get the lost attention. If they were content you’d move on to your next task.
The generation of our mothers were born in or around WWll, war babies, that had to leave a mark.
My solutions are the same as yours, just don’t do it to our kids and manage your expectations with her.
Good luck
Not everyone had loving caring parents. Many that come to this forum have been abused , and are feeling trapped taking care of their abuser . No one is obligated to take care of an unpleasant abusive parent , nor is it healthy .
Let's face it, don't we all want to remain at home.
When the elderly age so does their mind. Some decisions need to be made for them especially when it comes to safety.
If they rebuff any safety set-up usually there is an "emergency" at 3 o'clock in the morning. You could present it something like, "well Mom, if you do this, you can stay in your house longer. If we make some modifications and bring some help in, you can remain at home longer".
Maybe an Up Walker Lite, some new shoes that fit properly, get rid of step-in shoes and night gowns. Get some night lights, etc. Get rid of throw rugs on the floor. Get a shower chair, nozzle and grab bars in the bathroom, etc. Bring in a physical therapist once a week. Come up with a plan.
It's hard on them too. You should see the way my mother folds a facecloth. She has Lewy Body Dementia, like a 2-year-old folded it. It's sad but we must remember oftentimes they don't see what we do. With some dementias' the "peripheral vision" goes (basically it's like wearing snorkeling glasses with no vision on the side). I have my mother fold towels so she thinks she is helping. I also have her break off the string bean ends when cooking. Again, it makes her feel included in the household.
We bought a new sofa and I had her pick out some fabric and what kind she thought would like nice in the parlor.
Don't argue with her, because they can't see it. Sit her down, hold her hand, look into her face/eyes and tell her you want to help her and we need to make some changes. You don't have to give a lot of info at one time but make gradual changes.
I hope I was of some help...
My sister has Alzheimer's and I will tell you, if I have learned nothing else,
CHANGE is the enemy. Nothing will make it not so. Sorry.