Tomorrow I am taking my mom to MC. She has been alone for a little less than a year and my 2 sisters and I have done everything we can to keep her at home but we all have full-time jobs. My mom shouldn't be alone. My head knows all of this but how do I tell my heart? If I am honest, I feel like my mom and I are in the middle of an ocean and I have to cut her loose to save myself. The guilt is overwhelming and powerful and as real as any feeling I have ever known. What should i say to my mom? Do i tell her I will be back to pick her up? My mom doesn't recognize me around 90% of the time. Her memory has a 1 minute cycle. Will it still feel this bad after she is in MC? They suggest the family giving her 7-10 days before visiting (we are planning on visiting her everyday) and I don't know if that is the right or wrong thing to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am so sad. My poor mom.
Life is full of choices like this and many people always do the wrong thing just because its easier.
Be strong and be brave.
Think of what you are feeling as grief, not guilt. You've done nothing wrong so you should not feel guilty. Grief is very appropriate in this situation. You love your Mom... who wouldn't grieve this event?
Count your Mom's blessings for her, this will help you see that what's happening now is the "best" possible solution for her situation. If you peruse other posts on this forum you will quickly see how many other seniors have it far, far worse than your Mom. She is blessed to have daughters like you guys!
The socialization and activity options at her facility will be good for her. Keeping her cloistered in her home has no real benefit to her at this stage -- it's an emotional decision, and not a practical one. Yes to backing off and letting her settle in.
Yes, it is morally and ethically acceptable to tell her a "therapeutic fib" so that she stays calm (since she is no longer able to use her own reason and logic, and has a broken memory, she can't get herself to a place of acceptance so others need to help her to do this.) Is she on any medication for anxiety or agitation? If you think she needs this please don't hesitate to discuss with her PCP.
After she transitions, you and your siblings should all give yourselves a pat on the back and have a spa day together -- you've earned it! Bless you for taking such good care of her. May you all receive peace in your hearts.
Ask the facility how best to make your departure. She will adjust.
I wish you peace as you navigate this next chapter.
both my parents were failing and not safe at home. I was able to get them into assisted living and dad had to go to memory care after mom died.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done on so many levels, guilt being a huge factor. But they were safe and cared for. All I had to do was look at them and imagine them on their own at home and I knew I’d done the right thing.
You are grieving for the mom you knew and I think that’s a normal process. My dad’s dementia ramped up slowly over about 10 years. In his last year or so he didn’t know me but I was a familiar presence every day and he would be calm and let me trim his hair and nails when I visited, and other things the caregivers struggled with.
You’ve done the right thing but I know how hard it is to not feel guilty. This forum was very helpful to me in those times. Many good folks here who have seen it all.
Best of luck to you.
After my mom reached the stage where she didn’t participate in conversations and didn’t recognize me, I busied myself on her behalf by cleaning out her house, taking the accumulated stuff to the hospice thrift shop or the dump and otherwise being of assistance. I was needed in that way rather than helping her personally. You’ll still have plenty to do to take care of mom! I wish you luck.
You cannot be guilty of something you didn't do. You didn't create your Mother's situation and you cannot fix it.
The more appropriate G-word is GRIEF, and that IS appropriate.
Words we tell ourselves are important. They define ourselves to ourselves in our brains. So remember not to use the word guilt again, and to change it out for grief.
Children tend to assume responsibility as tho they are sudden the parents of their own parents. They aren't. They are the parents of their own children, and if they fail their own children when they're small and dependent, then guilt is appropriate.
That's for starts. Now that you know you are grieving, you can go ahead and grieve along with your mom.
Life is full of losses. Your Mom has lived a life that has seen many losses. The losses at the end of our lives are profound, and we are grieving as though someone is dying before our eyes, passing while still alive. It is dreadfully hard for the parent and for the loved ones who stand helpless witness to it all. The only escape is the finality of the peace of death, and knowing THAT is often no comfort at all.
This won't make you feel any better.
But it will let you know that your grief is appropriate. That you SHOULD mourn all this and so should your Mom. That you should be lovingly honest about it. That you aren't god and can't change it. You aren't a Saint, and can't martyr yourself to it. You are simply a loving child.
Follow the instructions of the Memory Care. They do this work as a living and they have been there and accumulated the knowledge. This will be dreadfully hard, but this is necessary. I am so very sorry for your pain. You will know if you stick around here that you are not alone. While that isn't comfort, it is a kind of reassurance. You must not throw away your life by jumping on the funeral pyre. Your mother gave you life. You must live it with as much quality as you can.
I am so very very sorry for your pain.
They always recommend that family stays away at least a week(if not 2)to allow the patient to adjust to their new surroundings and those who are now caring for them.
You really do your loved one a disservice by not allowing them to adjust properly.
Everyone that I know that has had to place their loved one in memory care, and listened to the advice and stayed away for a while was pleased with how well their loved one adjusted, while the ones who didn't listen and went every day, couldn't figure out why their loved one was having such a hard time adjusting.
There's a solid and good reason they tell you to stay away for awhile and I hope you and your siblings will reconsider your choice of not honoring that.
Will it be hard? Of course it will, but I know you want the very best for your mom, and now placing her is the best for all involved along with staying away to let her adjust.
You can still call the facility everyday to talk to the staff to see how she is doing if that will make you feel better.
I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, but know that you and your siblings have done the very best you could thus far, and are now doing the very best not only for your mom but for you all as well.
God bless you.
Being a helicopter daughter is not the answer.
Your heart is not designed to do the thinking, your head is, with that said you are doing the right thing for your mother, no guilt should be in the picture.
We are all living too long, for some their brains die before their body gives in, that is where your mother is, accept it.
You are over thinking this entire matter, let it flow, listen to the professionals.
I have one in MC and the other in AL, I am happy that there are places like this to care for those in need.
It is not easy and I am sorry however, now is the time to think with your head and accept that you are doing the right thing for your mother. Good Luck!
You made the right choice placing her in memory care. It's the right choice for you, your mother, and the family.
My friend, usually doing what's right is hard. Many times it doesn't feel good. It doesn't make anyone happy. It's still right though.
You don't have to be happy about it. It's okay to be sad and even to have grief now. Dementia took the person who was your mother and what it leaves behind is a miserable shell. So you certainly have reason to be sad and to grieve that.
Don't you dare put yourself on a guilt-trip though. You have nothing to be guilty for because you did not do wrong. You did what had to be done.
Please be kind to yourself. Do what the memory care said and stay away for a while. Spend some time with your sisters because they're feeling the same as you. Be a support system to each other so you all can be good advocates for your mother to make sure she gets well cared for. Good luck to you and your sisters.
In no way are you abandoning her. Please know that it’s okay for you to take time for yourself while you allow your mother time to get settled.
It’s fine to honor how you feel, just don’t get stuck and blame yourself for anything. Congratulate yourself for being responsible and doing what is best for your mom.
It’s extremely difficult to go through transitional periods in our lives that profoundly affect us.
You and your mother need time to adjust to this next stage in life. Both of you will adapt and it will become easier for you to accept that these changes were necessary.
Wishing you peace as you continue to advocate for your mother’s well being.
The truth is, DEMENTIA is the bad guy here. Not you or I. But the horrible disease that strips our loved ones of their identity and turns them into a shell of their former selves. Whether they become angry and combative, hurling ugly and hurtful words at us, or they shut down entirely and stop communicating, just staring off into space. It's all bad. Nobody wins when dementia enters the picture. So we choose the lesser of the bad choices.....as they're ALL bad choices at this point, and we pray for peace. Peace for ourselves and peace for our loved one. Wasn't a day that I didn't pray to God to take my mother with Him and away from all of her difficulties on earth.
She did get great care from "her girls" in Memory Care, I'm happy to say. Some would come and sit with her after their shift ended to shoot the breeze about their lives. When mom was on hospice and dying almost 3 years into her stay in MC, the line into her suite of caregivers and nurses wanting to pay their respects was constant. Yes, she got great care, thank God.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
Seeing my mother's mind waste away continues to be one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. And, I see it each and every week. It's a gut punch, for sure.
BUT, you and I can do hard things.
It's okay for part of our lives to be hard.
Not everything is easy.
Not everything can be fixed.
You're in good company, here on the forum.
Keep coming back.
if he doesn’t ask for food or water.. do not give it to him. His body doesn’t need it…
hospice social worker told this to her DH .. if I don’t ask for it, please do not prolong my disease by feeding my body…let my body snd mind go in peace…
I ended up visiting every day. My ALF had changed owners and I was in the middle of that transition of management but my mom forgot my home immediately, where she had lived for 5 years,
Only you will determine the visit cadence, Have a good care plan with the facility so you are comfortable with your expectations and theirs.
Give it time…be prepared to second guess but realize that you will never have a perfect outcome. Someone said that this is the “least bad” decision.
I will say that the time I had with her once she moved was more mother and daughter rather than a caregiver role. The time was precious.
My thoughts are with you. Update us on your progress.
Don’t fret yourself about leaving your mother in MC. Everything will be fine with her, and you can visit her as often as you wish. You can rest assured that your mother will have 24-hour care there and you will have peace of mind knowing that she is safe in MC.
And remember just this. Life for your Mom has been long. There have been many tough times she has had to go through when things weren't going "well" and when things were "hard". You are her daughter. You are there for loving support and to do the best you are able. But you have no tools to fix this aging process and it cannot always BE fixed. It is your responsibility to love, to mourn her pain, but not to FIX EVERYTHING so there isn't unhappiness. Unhappiness is a part of life FOR US ALL.
My heart out to you.
And again, hoping you will update us.
Overall i am feeling so much better now. She is safe(r), always has someone to talk to and now as i have heard from many people here, I can start to be her daughter and her advocate rather than her caretaker. I will keep you updated and thank you so much!
try not to feel guilty. I KNOW it is hard but as long as she is in a good facility that takes great care of her and she doesn’t know you most of the time then it will be the best for both of you.