It has been about 4 months now and my husband's and I's relationship is really strained. We have moved in to take care of his mother since his father passed away. She is on Oxygen and continues to smoke. We have done everything for hiring agencies and she just cusses them out and they drop her. She refused to bathe and threatens to remove us from her house and call the cops if we take away her cigarettes. Her house was owned by her husband's family and is jointly owned. The other party wants out and requested us to sell the house. I am seriously unsure what the best thing is. We cannot find anyone to come out to help her and she is ruining our lives. My husband is not able to work and has to be at her call. She bangs on the floor all hours for him to come up and help her. She plays the Martyr and is a really bad narcissist. Upon cleaning, my daughter, who is her step-granddaughter, the purse that went missing 14 years prior was found in her closet. She told me she did not have it and held onto it for 14 years. The manipulative deceitful acts occur daily. She gives me a look that would burn your soul. I am not sure what to do at this point. I am not sure if we can find a place that would take her. We have run out of home care options and she was already booted from rehab. My husband is an only child and is her sole care provider. She is always snippy with me and does not want anything I cook. She orders me around like I am her servant.
Neither of you is obligated to this horrific woman. Being an only child doesn’t entitle a person to put his spouse through hell.
She could kill all of you if she starts a fire with her smoking and oxygen. Is that how you want to die? I doubt it.
If you and husband leave, that’ll pave the way for someone else to take over her care. As long as you stay, you’re enabling her to abuse both of you.
Throw this into reverse!
Quick sticks!
Ask, say, do..
ASK MIL what she wants - from a list of what is Realistic + Affordable + Available in her area.
SAY
1. Say what you WILL be able to do, going forward.
Eg telephone once a day as a welfare check-in + visit once/twice a week. Help arrange services with her. Help arrange meals on wheels or food deliveries. Or if she is completely against these & cannot cook, bathe or clean, offer to help find her a nursing home instead.
2. Say what you will NOT do going forward.
Eg Live in. Pay for her lifestyle.
Be at her beck & call. Put up with verbal abuse.
3. Say if you find she is unsafe living alone, refusing help to live safely, you will report her as vulnerable adult at risk to authorities.
DO. Do as you say you will. Arrange home services again.
Move out.
Notify APS.
Q.1 Does your husband ever feel free to say NO to his Mother?
Q.2 If not, why not?
Q3. Can you freely say no to him?
You have slidden down a big slippery slope.. but you can reverse this. Hopefully WITH your husband. Or.. he is left down there to smother alone. He chooses.
If he doesn't want to leave her alone, he should go ahead and get someone from an agency to come out for a day or two. When the aide comes, he leaves the house. If MIL fires them, then she'll be alone. Let her be alone and suffer the consequences of having no help. That will teach her the value of having you and your husband there to help her. Otherwise, she takes you all for granted and treats you like dirt. After being left alone struggling, she might be more receptive to having help.
As for the house, I think it should be sold. Check the title, maybe consult an real estate attorney and see if a joint owner can force a sale. My guess is yes. MIL can use the money to pay for assisted living. You and your husband can go back to having a life.
Or you choose to stay and deal with all this that you have mentioned if you feel qualified to do so and wish to continue in this manner.
You do not mention that there is any diagnosed dementia.
Nor do you mention that there is a legal POA .
If there is no dementia your MIL can take care of herself or hire in help.
If there is dementia I would call APS to deal with MIL and tell them that you are unable to do so.
If APS believes her living conditions are unsafe they will arrange for diagnosis and guardianship of the state, then placement. You will not have a choice as to where this is, and the state will appoint a fiducicary to manage finances, medicaid if needed, and nursing home care.
The choice is really entirely up to you. I sure wish you good luck. Not everything can be fixed.
The only thing I can add is TAKE THE CIGARETTES AWAY. Let her only smoke outside with supervision until you get this living situation resolved . You, your husband , and daughter are in danger . Too bad if mother in law calls the cops . Let her , it’s better than blowing up . Call APS , and/or your local dept of aging . . If she can’t live alone get her placed. Be prepared to leave and have a place to live . Your husband should not quit his job to take care of her .
I am so against moving in with a parent I cannot begin to tell you the horror stories, so many just do not understand the ramifications of doing this. Your husband not working is one of them, you are now dependent on the mother to keep a roof over your head. Yes, she knows that it is her home, her rules, you are her coolie.
She can live for many more years, is this how you want to spend the next years of your life? I would hope not.
Good Luck!
You say that your husband "has to be at her call" but let me tell you, your husband is choosing to be at her beck and call. There's a big difference.
If hubby wants to continue to be his mother's slave and be used and abused, that's on him not you. You have to now do what is best for you and your marriage.
As long as someone is there to enable your MIL she will never admit that she needs more help and the vicious cycle will continue.
Just because your husband is an only child doesn't mean that he is in any way responsible for the care of his mother. I just don't understand that way of thinking.
So next time she threatens to remove you from the house, PLEASE take her up on it and then let the chips fall where they may. It's time to call her bluff!
And once out you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and let them take it from there.
NO SMOKING!
OXYGEN IN USE.
To stay there yourselves, or to leave Mil in an unsafe environment is enabling her.
Think about it-if the other party wants to force the sale of the house, your Mil is in the same position as you: facing homelessness. She really does not have much power.
Call APS, get her admitted to a geriatric psych ward for evaluation and her own safety. With the right meds, she may become more reasonable. Do not punish her for being ill and out of control.
No one has to tolerate abuse from anyone whether that person is ill or not.
She is clearly not in her right mind if she's smoking on oxygen and she's villifying her caregivers and family when there is no cause to.
Leave her there. If she wants to be abusive, nasty, vicious, and make threats - walk away.
Or drive away. Let the state sort her out.
Your DH needs to get a back bone. "No Mom you cannot smoke around oxygen" then take the cigarettes away. Let her call the cops. When they come, they can explain to her what happens when u smoke around oxygen. Let her scream and holler at the police. Then u have it on record how she is. Do not disable her. She should be doing whatever she can for herself. Treat her like the child she is acting like. At this point, she needs you more than you need her. Your husband needs to tell her "no more". He is an adult and she needs to respect that and you too. Just because he takes it does not mean u need to. He needs to stand up to her.
The house, if MIL is considered competent you cannot sell her house even with a POA. And you need a POA to sell it. The other person on the deed needs to "force" the sale because I am sure MIL won't agree to it. When that happens, then you place Mom in a nice LTC facility. I would not even consider an Assisted Living. She would be asked to leave with her attitude. She takes what money she has and pays for her care privately. About 3 months before she runs out, she applies for Medicaid.
We tried to find her agencies to come in but they keep on leaving.
do. Move out and let your husband tend to Mommy.
I do have an abusive Mil, who I have attempted to help in the past, and got burned, accused, pushed physically, dismissed, criticized, and she trashed my reputation. It did cause acute distress on my relationship with my husband.
She complained that her neighbor was awful, rude to her, and unavailable, herself too ill to help Mil.-and at the same time says the neighbor came to her home to pick up her rent check to take to the office.....duh, to help her!
From now on, I have decided that strict "No contact" is the only way for me to be towards her. I now welcome being the worst daughter in law, the bad person, just like her neighbor. (Her neighbor, a retired R.N., has helped Mil for over 20 years, was hit in the back by Mil). If she is mad at me, I am safer.
My dh and I will not be helping her. The liability is just too great to be the subject of false accusations. The liability is legal and financial, not just emotional. No one has POA. She had us sending money, and food delivered, while sitting on $2,000 in Snap/EBT funds.
She, like your Mil, has "no one" left to help her, except the authorities to remove her from her home. I was told, that to help her stay at this time, in an unsafe living situation, is not only unsafe for her, it is enabling her to hurt herself. So, we will never go there, would never live with her, under any circumstances.
I do not know how you will get out. We have had to flee abruptly from her, even when we used to visit.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful mother in law. She died a long time ago and I still miss her.
You won’t ever to be able to influence your mother in law to be a kind and considerate person. Let her be and sadly she will have to suffer the consequences of her actions.
Start focusing on your own life with your family.
In regards to the smoking, my oldest brother was a chain smoker. Once, I took him to the ER for medical treatment.
He foolishly lit up a cigarette next to another patient who was using oxygen.
Needless to say that I completely lost it. I looked him directly in the eye and said, “Put the cigarette out now or I am leaving and I don’t care if you have a ride home or not!”
My insane brother says, “Just let me have a few more drags and I will put it out.”
I was so angry that I thought that I would have a heart attack! I didn’t care about him being a smoker. He had been smoking since he was a teenager. It was his right whether or not to smoke, but certainly not in a hospital!
I was upset that he was being so insensitive to the person who was using oxygen. I told him that I was going to tell someone that he was smoking and refused to put it out and endangering others by smoking around a patient with oxygen.
Only then did he put out the cigarette. I told him not to ever ask me again to take him to the ER and to call 911 in the future.
If weather permits, I can see a weekend tent in the yard for you and your husband, and daughter. Cheap, and delivered by Walmart.
Refuse to come back into the house until the rules and regs about smoking and oxygen use are in compliance.
Your dH will refuse to enter the house overnight-did not hear her calling, pounding, screaming.
Got this idea from a website advising how to treat a narcissist.
You can come up with your own plan? Guessing the goal is, if Mil acts hysterical, you act worse. More hysterical.
Make it like a party, bring in the clowns, balloons.
Maybe she isn’t able to post due to technical issues with the website! It seems to be a thing around here lately! LOL 😆
Welcome back! How are things going for you now? Anything new that you would like to share with us?
Your situation is tough to deal with. In-law problems can cause trouble for everyone in the family.
What have you decided to do?
It seems unsustainable for your husband not to work and for you to give up your home to care for your abusive and seemingly mentally ill MIL.
But you can't change her. You can only control your own actions.
Have you consulted an Elder Law attorney or Adult Protective Services?
Have you considered taking her to the ER and leaving her there? The hospital will then be forced to find placenent and the state will assume guardianship.
Go see an Elder Law attorney, using her funds.
Is you husband her Power of Attorney, or her guardian?
I see she says she will have you all remived if you deny her cigarettes. I would do just that.
She is a danger to herself and others. That can and should be the basis to call 911 and have her teansported to the hospital. When that occurs, you leave and return to your home.
You may not like someone’s taste in humor but there are many posters who are willing to hear you out.
Another alternative is to simply create a new post to describe your experience. Hopefully, no one will ask for it to be removed as a duplicate post.
I wish you all the best in resolving your issues with your mother in law.
Seems to me the house should be sold asap so that MIL has to move out. She then can move to a smaller apartment in an Assisted Living community.
Do not ever move her into your home even temporarily because it might become permanent.
I really feel bad for you and your husband. You have a MIL from hell.
This is not so.
But it may take some Tough Love with a capital T to change track.
"They released her to my husband's care and because no other placement exists here.
I get why you cannot simply reverse moving in, can't just up & leave - you have been told by APS you will be held responsible for neglect, correct? (Plus you DO want care for her to be in place)
Currently you both took on responsibility for MIL's care when you moved it. So you now have a 'Duty of Care'. This is what APS mean, why you can't up & go (unless others services are in place). But Duty of Care is not permanent, it can change, be transferred on! THIS is what needs to be reversed.
I see it like this: that taking on MIL's care WAS still your Husband's choice at the time. It must have absolutely felt like ZERO choice as no other solutions presented.. BUT it WAS his choice. He could have left the building. Said no further calls, I'm not willing to do it. The End. No-one can legally make him move in with her.
Sometimes it is our own thoughts that hold us prisioner.
Do you agree your DH did have a choice to caregive or not? To move in or not?
What if you both DIDN'T agree to move in?
Let me explain further.
What if he was... a long haul truck driver in Canada, an engineer in Dubai? Was terminally ill himself? Or mentally ill? Even in jail? What if he hadn't even been born?
MIL WOULD accept the home help service, or another solution would have been found (eg NH bed somewhere).
If MIL went home, said yes to services but threw them out, then what? This happens ALL the time.. either concerned relatives or neighbours call EMS or APS, the person dies in their home or the person calls EMS themselves.
Hospital Social Workers either send them home (to try again) or neuro-psych evals get forced upon them. If deemed cognitivly unfit, off to a care home they go. A legal Guardian may be appointed. If family cannot/will not, the State will.
Your DH has to have a big think now. To continue or stop.
He CAN stop.
What does he want to do?
PS Would you share this with him?
It wil be on official record then and you will be less likely to be blown off and more likely to get some action. Hopefully no guns in the house?
Prayers and very tough love…
"threatens to remove us from her house and call the cops if we take away her cigarettes."
It is MIL's choice to smoke. A poor one, but hers. If you take them away, yes, technically it is stealing.. but, just as you don't let a child play with matches, you aim to keep people safe.
For safety's sake;
New house rule: as a *harm minimisation* strategy
* Smoking is to outside only.
* Oxygen must be turned off first.
If MIL agrees, good.
Then ask her about her willingness to cut down or quit. If willing, make a Doctor appointment via telehealth to discuss. Withdrawal is awful & is best done with a plan to manage symptoms eg Nicotine patches if suitable.
However, if MIL refuses to smoke away from the O2 (It's MY house MY rules, tantrum etc) I would take the cigarettes away as an immediate safety measure. Let her call the Police if she wants.
If me, I would explain that if she decides to risk everyone's safety, this decision has consequences.
It would immediately null & void my offer to help. I would make 3 calls, to MIL's Doctor, to APS & emergency mental health crises assessment service. To explain that MIL is a danger to herself & others.
The issue of the house itself will have to wait. The smoking/O2/safety issue is the priority.
"Her house was owned by her husband's family and is jointly owned. The other party wants out and requested us to sell the house."
I would assume the other party is free to seek real estate & legal advice regarding selling. If they wish to sell, then MIL MUST sell or BUY the other party's share. Unless your DH is financial POA, you don't legally need to be involved in this.
It does seem MIL has a hefty amount of lack of insight or denial going on. About her safety, her health, her independence, her housing too.
What are her medical conditions? Is cognitive decline/dementia part of this?
I am with you and Way about taking the cigarettes away! How is she getting cigarettes anyway? Is she having them delivered to her. I doubt if she is going out for them herself.