It has been about 4 months now and my husband's and I's relationship is really strained. We have moved in to take care of his mother since his father passed away. She is on Oxygen and continues to smoke. We have done everything for hiring agencies and she just cusses them out and they drop her. She refused to bathe and threatens to remove us from her house and call the cops if we take away her cigarettes. Her house was owned by her husband's family and is jointly owned. The other party wants out and requested us to sell the house. I am seriously unsure what the best thing is. We cannot find anyone to come out to help her and she is ruining our lives. My husband is not able to work and has to be at her call. She bangs on the floor all hours for him to come up and help her. She plays the Martyr and is a really bad narcissist. Upon cleaning, my daughter, who is her step-granddaughter, the purse that went missing 14 years prior was found in her closet. She told me she did not have it and held onto it for 14 years. The manipulative deceitful acts occur daily. She gives me a look that would burn your soul. I am not sure what to do at this point. I am not sure if we can find a place that would take her. We have run out of home care options and she was already booted from rehab. My husband is an only child and is her sole care provider. She is always snippy with me and does not want anything I cook. She orders me around like I am her servant.
I feel so proud of you for realizing that you are not a prisoner of this demented old woman and that you have the right to simply REFUSE to be her caregiver.
I feel so proud of you that you never gave up for an instant, not even when some commenters were cruel and vicious towards you, or even when you were locked out of your account.
I would have probably given up. You are a better person than me.
I would choose my wording carefully, then put it on repeat.
Something like;
"We want to HELP, but we are not a Nursing Home.
We can VISIT MIL, but we cannot live there.
We have been TEMPORARILY staying but cannot any longer.
* It is UNSAFE for ALL of us.
*She has threatened SUICIDE.
* Our family is in crisis & needs HELP.
Please help by arranging a Social Worker to assist us.
No we will not pick-up her up TODAY. This does not mean we relinquish all CARE. It means we CANNOT COPE with her care needs.
PS if the hospital medical team DO assess MIL as competent & a safe discharge home alone if she is agreeable to home services (which people ususally do to get out) then as an 'independant person' she can make her own way home - bus, taxi, uber etc
Natural consequences follow.
Sometimes that stops a discharge right there. (Especially if unable to walk to the door.. OK sometimes staff will wheelchair a patient to a taxi... but then can get stuck at home. EMS called).
Or if she does make discharge, you can arrange APS & Police welfare checks.
Have mom taken to the doctor and get a different psych diagnosis. Obviously the one in the hospital is over tired. She is not a safe person smoking with oxygen in the house.
I know when I told my daddy that we needed to go to the doctor to refill his prescriptions he was all for it. Telling her that a doctors appointment is needed she may not fight you.
The elder in question here has had too much autonomy already.
When she started losing it after having you guys move in there wasn't enough intervention. You should have had her assessed and prepared for the inevitable. If she has any lucid moments now try and show her you care how it turns out. Her Son should have explained politely there is one option for supper. You should understand she has no capacity for autonomy any longer. Like a child but with psych issues. No self control, pent up anger and frustration, terrible fear, try and see this through her eyes. A normal person doesn't go through the ups and downs MIL has. She is in real need now. Get a competent and experienced elder care doctor to give an honest assessment.
Oh please, the last time this woman claimed to have all of these prophetic messages from God, I told her that she was having delusions and needed a psychiatrist!
So, the psychologist says to your husband that he thinks that this is a ‘one time’ incident? Oh, man! I think that this particular psychologist needs a shrink himself! LOL 😆
So sorry that you are going through this nightmare. I hope that you will find a solution to this situation soon before you end up having a nervous breakdown.
Maybe you should take a 2 week vacation to see your daughter and grandkids. Get away from the craziness! Hubby should put mommy in respite care and go with you. I think she needs a thorough eval (psych maybe) and some meds to get her under control. She's literally impossible. They only way is going to be meds. Which may be against her wishes but so be it.
Ignore the few people on here that have misunderstood you and are not being supportive. You are getting good support and ideas from the majority.
You came to this forum when Following MIL's plan was not working.
Getting Out was blocked (by APS threats of neglect & being blacklisted by in-home care agencies).
* Lead. Follow. Get out of the way *
That famous quote by either Thomas Paine or General George S. Patton.
LEAD is your way out.
Next time she goes to the hospital, make sure she goes to rehab and then refuse discharge. Say that she has no one at home to take care of her.
Force her to be placed permanently in a NH as Medicaid pending. Sometimes the NH or long term care facility will help with the Medicaid process.
Good luck and remember to always put your well being first.
People, please remember that your kindness costs nothing.
If you are flabbergasted that someone can be so clueless, please ask questions rather than lob snarky grenades.
I was once a very clueless poster. Fortunate, folks here "met me where I was" and guided me to a place of sanity.
We need to do the same for others.
Sure, as an employee for 40 years, I used to see patients with psych issues for several weeks, but they find a way to find a place.
You husband or family can get conservatorship and once obtained, get her to reimburse the legal part. You husband just needs to be assertive and repeat, no more care from the family when she is hospitalized
"She has a genetic disorder CADASIL, I believe that is genetic."
This is a condition that causes dementia and mood disorders.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/cadasil#:~:text=CADASIL%20is%20a%20rare%2C%20inherited%20type%20of%20vascular%20disease%20(a,caused%20by%20a%20faulty%20gene.
This lady needs and deserves specialized treatment.
Shes burned her bridges with homecare so that's not an option anymore.
She needs to be facility placed. The only way that's going to happen is if her son and DIL let her situation get a lot worse or they try for a 'Social Admit' by doing an ER dump.
RISK OF BURNS
If you use oxygen and insist on smoking, have a “Ten Minute Rule.” Turn off the oxygen supply and wait at least 10 minutes for high concentrations of oxygen to dissipate before going outside to smoke. This will reduce the risk of fire or serious burns to the face or body if clothing ignites.
This means that you bring her to the hospital and ask for a 'Social Admit' be sure to use this exact term. Every hospital in the country knows what it is.
The ER will send down a social worker to talk to both of you. Then you explain that your MIL's needs have exceeded your abilities to provide adequate care to her in the home. Then let them talk. Let everything they say go in one ear and out the other.
The social workers and nurses will promise everything imaginabe if you are willing to take her home. They will promise endless resources, homecare, caregiver payment to both of you, everything.
None of it is true.
Their main objective is to keep MIL off of their hands.
Stay strong and refuse to take her back. Tell them you and your husband are going to be moving out-of-state to be near your daughter and that you will not take MIL.
Whatever the hospital says, promises, or threatens with both of you must refuse to allow her back home.
The hospital will admit her until they find somewhere to place her.
"threatens to remove us from her house and call the cops if we take away her cigarettes."
It is MIL's choice to smoke. A poor one, but hers. If you take them away, yes, technically it is stealing.. but, just as you don't let a child play with matches, you aim to keep people safe.
For safety's sake;
New house rule: as a *harm minimisation* strategy
* Smoking is to outside only.
* Oxygen must be turned off first.
If MIL agrees, good.
Then ask her about her willingness to cut down or quit. If willing, make a Doctor appointment via telehealth to discuss. Withdrawal is awful & is best done with a plan to manage symptoms eg Nicotine patches if suitable.
However, if MIL refuses to smoke away from the O2 (It's MY house MY rules, tantrum etc) I would take the cigarettes away as an immediate safety measure. Let her call the Police if she wants.
If me, I would explain that if she decides to risk everyone's safety, this decision has consequences.
It would immediately null & void my offer to help. I would make 3 calls, to MIL's Doctor, to APS & emergency mental health crises assessment service. To explain that MIL is a danger to herself & others.
The issue of the house itself will have to wait. The smoking/O2/safety issue is the priority.
"Her house was owned by her husband's family and is jointly owned. The other party wants out and requested us to sell the house."
I would assume the other party is free to seek real estate & legal advice regarding selling. If they wish to sell, then MIL MUST sell or BUY the other party's share. Unless your DH is financial POA, you don't legally need to be involved in this.
It does seem MIL has a hefty amount of lack of insight or denial going on. About her safety, her health, her independence, her housing too.
What are her medical conditions? Is cognitive decline/dementia part of this?
I am with you and Way about taking the cigarettes away! How is she getting cigarettes anyway? Is she having them delivered to her. I doubt if she is going out for them herself.
It wil be on official record then and you will be less likely to be blown off and more likely to get some action. Hopefully no guns in the house?
Prayers and very tough love…
This is not so.
But it may take some Tough Love with a capital T to change track.
"They released her to my husband's care and because no other placement exists here.
I get why you cannot simply reverse moving in, can't just up & leave - you have been told by APS you will be held responsible for neglect, correct? (Plus you DO want care for her to be in place)
Currently you both took on responsibility for MIL's care when you moved it. So you now have a 'Duty of Care'. This is what APS mean, why you can't up & go (unless others services are in place). But Duty of Care is not permanent, it can change, be transferred on! THIS is what needs to be reversed.
I see it like this: that taking on MIL's care WAS still your Husband's choice at the time. It must have absolutely felt like ZERO choice as no other solutions presented.. BUT it WAS his choice. He could have left the building. Said no further calls, I'm not willing to do it. The End. No-one can legally make him move in with her.
Sometimes it is our own thoughts that hold us prisioner.
Do you agree your DH did have a choice to caregive or not? To move in or not?
What if you both DIDN'T agree to move in?
Let me explain further.
What if he was... a long haul truck driver in Canada, an engineer in Dubai? Was terminally ill himself? Or mentally ill? Even in jail? What if he hadn't even been born?
MIL WOULD accept the home help service, or another solution would have been found (eg NH bed somewhere).
If MIL went home, said yes to services but threw them out, then what? This happens ALL the time.. either concerned relatives or neighbours call EMS or APS, the person dies in their home or the person calls EMS themselves.
Hospital Social Workers either send them home (to try again) or neuro-psych evals get forced upon them. If deemed cognitivly unfit, off to a care home they go. A legal Guardian may be appointed. If family cannot/will not, the State will.
Your DH has to have a big think now. To continue or stop.
He CAN stop.
What does he want to do?
PS Would you share this with him?
Seems to me the house should be sold asap so that MIL has to move out. She then can move to a smaller apartment in an Assisted Living community.
Do not ever move her into your home even temporarily because it might become permanent.
I really feel bad for you and your husband. You have a MIL from hell.
You may not like someone’s taste in humor but there are many posters who are willing to hear you out.
Another alternative is to simply create a new post to describe your experience. Hopefully, no one will ask for it to be removed as a duplicate post.
I wish you all the best in resolving your issues with your mother in law.
Go see an Elder Law attorney, using her funds.
Is you husband her Power of Attorney, or her guardian?
I see she says she will have you all remived if you deny her cigarettes. I would do just that.
She is a danger to herself and others. That can and should be the basis to call 911 and have her teansported to the hospital. When that occurs, you leave and return to your home.
What have you decided to do?
It seems unsustainable for your husband not to work and for you to give up your home to care for your abusive and seemingly mentally ill MIL.
But you can't change her. You can only control your own actions.
Have you consulted an Elder Law attorney or Adult Protective Services?
Have you considered taking her to the ER and leaving her there? The hospital will then be forced to find placenent and the state will assume guardianship.