Mom wants me to dump my daughter and granddaughter to attend her. Where are my priorities?

Momsgoto: Your mother is attempting to control you and your life and for all intents and purposes, it appears that she is on the winning end. Something seems to be amiss with a woman who goes off wandering in her bathrobe to see who's bought her neighbor's house and stating that she has zero groceries. The people who were on the receiving end of these actions must have wanted to shake their heads. Retake control of your life before your mother ensures that you have none.

Does this sound like an unhealthy reaction to you?
The question you need to clarify for yourself is how you are emotionally and psychologically 'attached' or 'triggered' by your mother - what is your history with her - in your reactions to her 'needs' and 'requests' and/or 'demands' from a young age to the present.

I believe these behaviors / responses are instilled very early in a child's life and carry through into adulthood - until an adult child is able to develop their self (self-esteem, self-respect, self-love) in order to separate and become their own person.

As you mention, your mom is or may be a narcissistic personality. You know what this means and if you do not, you need to gain more knowledge / educate yourself so you know who you are dealing with. "Of course" she has a tantrum ... that you mention this tells me that you do not understand her mental condition or disease (whether she is has a narcissistic personality disorder or another disorder).

I wonder if it gave you pause to consider how you relate to your mom based on you referring to your siblings and how 'they left' - and that you did not / do not.

You are a wounded, if not traumatized, daughter. (And I deeply feel sad that you had / have / grew up with a narcissistic mother.)

I believe a professional therapist could help you understand the dynamics of the relationship as it has been set up - likely for decades, if not from your birth-date, and how to shift out of it - change your 'automatic reactions' to present time "this is what I want to do / this is how I want to respond now."

These relationships are not black or white and certainly not easily decided upon here in this forum. However, it is a start for you and I acknowledge you for reaching out.

The question is not choosing one over the other(s).
It is a matter of doing what is in your best health interest, ensuring 'to the best of your ability' that your mom is safe / well cared for (this DOESN'T MEAN YOU), and that you learn how important boundary setting is - for you, and by example, for your grandchildren. While you may not be aware of it, how you interact with your mom (unhealthy behaviors of yours) will impact your grandchildren - it comes out in a sense/lack of worth, self-esteem. You 'convey' these feelings by example, no matter how settle they may be. Although I do not believe they are settle. You want to instill 'personal empowerment' and self esteem in your grandchildren (although they may not be kids any longer, it is never too late to learn self-care.)

Until you are able to understand the relationship and why you react / respond as you do, you will continue to allow your mother to control you/r decision making, and cause you unlimited volcanos of distress if not regular avalanches (her anger and temper tantrums as she wants what she wants when she wants it ... no one else matters to her... it is 'me me and oh yes me, again'). The mental, emotional, and likely physical and spiritual discord/pain will be endless. Do you not want this 'quality' of life.

You are still very young - and have lots of good years ahead of you. It is time for your to 'take the reins' and enjoy your life as you want to. You do not need to be afraid of a narcissistic mother. The easy part is when she 'starts in' (ranting) that you politely say "I am going to hang up now ... and, of course, you do ... and go for a walk or have a glass of wine ... or both.

Gena / Touch Matters

Spend time with your daughter and granddaughter. So your mother has a temper tantrum. So what? She will get over it. You do not say if she lives with you. If she does, start looking for housing for her to move out. If she doesn't already live with you, she has no power or leverage over you. Visit your family when you can.

And in the short term, don't rule out that she does cause some type of emergency to prove her needs are the strongest. Make sure she gets appropriate medical care, then continue to visit your daughter and her family when you can.

How about setting a meeting with the two of you with a Geriatric Psychiatrist and have her evaluated for appropriate placement near you?

There's an old paperback called, "When I say NO, I feel guilty." A good start to understanding Codependency."

Who tells Mom your plans? They aren’t her business and she doesn’t get a vote. Let her throw her hysterical tantrum. Tell her you’ll be glad to talk to her once she’s had time to calm down and hang up. Let her get mad. What’s she going to do? Punish you by not calling all the time? Yes, please.

The book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend will help you.

I've had very similar experiences and regret choosing my mother over occasions when I could have spent time with my young adult children. My mother would have lived through my absence.

I'm partly to blame for suppressing my desire to put my children first. It makes me angry just thinking about what I didn't do because my mother "needed" me. Baloney.

You can't get these days back.

Don't be like me.

Peace.

I have learned this saying: What if you weren't here where would she be. Stop enabling her.

Prayers

You’ll regret it later if you forfeit this very special time with your daughter and grandchild. You’ve helped your mother ( you weren’t ever required to but did so anyway)
this is now is the time you have to cherish and spend w your daughter and grandchild, it will go by before you know it so don’t spend anymore time thinking about it, as Nike motto says “just do it” you’ll never regret having made your own child and grandchild the priority here

Read “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend.

In my opinion, you don’t owe your mom anything unless you have a contract saying so. Do not spend your last healthy years catering to unreasonable demands. Do not allow resentment to build; resentment ruins the container it comes in.

One distinct feature of Narcissism is they fairly hold their 'narcissistic supply' target hostage via guilt, drama, etc. Your priority is your own family, with your mother being now secondary. Your obligation to her, out of respect and humanity, is to be sure she is safe and basic needs met; otherwise you must attend to your own family, these younger generations and your own needs as a Separate Human Being (which some narcissists can hardly recognize/realize!)Educate yourself, with professional help if needed, on ways to deal with a narcissist's demanding ways/expectations. Then make and keep firm boundaries for the good of all involved. (For the record my mother psychologically and emotionally 'tethered' me to herself, challenging why I'd even want to be out of the house as I grew up, if you can imagine, right when any child is learning to spread its wings and enter the world. At the root of much narcissism is fear and low self esteem, so they need their 'supply' to always be there. Don't become a victim to that sad, desperate manipulation; which would not only injure you but set a bad 'martyrdom' example for your daughter and granddaughter.) All the best to ALL of your family, not just mom.

Your priority is your daughter now. But really isn’t the question, “what do I want to do?” “How do I want to spend my time and who do I want to spend it with?” You do have a choice and a right to spend your time where and with who you want. And choosing to spend your time with your daughter does not mean you are abandoning your mother. Give your mother a little time if she needs care or arrange for someone else, maybe a paid caregiver, to take her on her errands. But set a limit on how much you do each week.

Unfortunately people’s negative personality traits get more intense and frequent as they age. Combine that with any type of CD and it can become unmanageable. My father is very difficult. He will sometimes call me and yell at me when he is confused. For instance he will call and yell that he needs a new phone because he lost his, or his is broken and I need to fix it. Well…he is speaking to me on his phone so it is neither lost or broken so I just say okay, “I’ll start working on that dad”. Sometimes that won’t be enough and he will call me a couple more times to yell some more. If I am speaking to him on the phone and make a suggestion about something (for instance to stay off the roof when he said he was up there fixing something at 82 years old) he will yell and tell me to stay out of it. Then he will call a couple more times to yell some more. I have learned, just don’t answer that second call. I Let it ring or put it on mute. Because dementia or no, I have a CHOICE of how much I have to endure.

Go enjoy your granddaughter and daughter. Tantrums are manipulation. Don't feed into it.

I lost out On the first 2 and a Half years of my Grandsons Life for caring for My Mother and Brother and then another 3 years after quarantine caring for My Father . He is 6 and a half Now and 4 ft. 2 Inches . Tell your Mother to Leave you alone and go enjoy your grand daughter . Especially if she makes you Miserable and is controlling you .

After my father passed, my mother did not have the income to live in her house. I built a beautiful home for myself with a finished apartment for her. She was angry that I didn't consult her before I did this. She moved into my home in her own space but "needed" me to take her everywhere (grocery, doctor, church, to visit friends). When it became obvious to everyone (except her) that she needed to be in a care facility, she asked me to quit my job to care for her. I had to pay for the house and couldn't do that. She tried to guilt me into taking care of her saying I loved the house more than her. I almost laughed asking where she was going to live without a house. It was clear her reasoning skills were completely gone. She never forgave me for "abandoning" her even after ten years of caring for her. You cannot allow your mother to manipulate you when she has no ability to see reality. She will not recognize anything you do for her anyway. Be with your daughter and precious grandchild where you will be loved and appreciated.

Sorry, but your own family comes first. If she lives with you, move her to a facility, or if you live with her, move out to somewhere else. Stop seeing your mother. She will face the consequences.

Tell the neighbor , the next time your mother is “ wandering “ to call the police . Let your Mom explain what she is doing . Either that will stop her from pulling stunts or they will take her to the ER to be evaluated . It can be hard to know when they are being manipulative or really have dementia .

The fact that she wandered about in her bathrobe - even if it was a plea for attention - may be a hint that she has cognitively declined past AL. Her judgement to make decisions for herself may be seriously impaired.

Her actions weren’t directly for you, but a questionable public display of needing attention.

Yes, some of us were groomed to put our mothers first. I cannot tell when my mother transitioned for being difficult to having dementia. She always expected to come first in my life and, when she went from nagging to guilt trips to rage to suicide attempts (because I prioritized my husband and kids), I originally just assumed she was becoming more selfish. I called EMS during her last suicide attempt and had them take her away. When she couldn’t name her town of 17 years, nor her grandkids, nor the year, nor which of her siblings were alive, we realized her unreasonable behaviour had become dementia-driven. She could showtime with the best of them and many people - family and friends - were certain she was fine. Your mother may have crossed the line as mine did.

Update: I’m still at my daughters and today a neighbor told me she found my mother “wondering” in her bathrobe. OMG 😦. So I called my mom and she said she went across the street to see who was moving in the house that sold. And then she told another neighbor that her daughter was “ out of town and she didn’t know how she would get groceries”!!!! So the neighbor brought some food over to her!!! This is just a stunt to get attention and make people feel sorry for her.

Only occasionally the next two months. So Mom will not suffer, you just won't be at her beck and call.

What would be nice is placing Mom on respite care in an AL for the whole 2 months or her dime. She may find she likes it and stays. Saves u time, hassle and money going back and forth.

If Mom can pick up the phone, she can have dinner delivered. One of those restaurant meals would last me at least 2 days. Maybe Mom can find someone to come in the afternoons and cook her dinner and help her run errands. Must be someone who wants to make some pocket money? Tell her ur going to daughters for the whole 2 months. Really, its ridiculous to be coming back and forth when there are options for Mom.

I have been a member of this forum for at least 6 yrs. And I have found that the Caregivers who survive the best are the ones that kind of laugh it off. I will use your paving for mom as an example.
Mom says she wants you to pave her steps "right Mom, I don't think so, not my speciality". My Mom for a long time mowed her own lawn and then she hired someone. If she had asked me I would have said "I don't mow my own Mom".

You said "There are times when we all need someone no matter our age or situation." I agree with you on that. Seems you have set your boundries. I did the same with my Mom and didn't even realize it. I worked part-time. So I had days I was off. Like u, we picked one day a week for shopping and errands. Dr visits were made around my work schedule. If she needed anything in between, if it could wait till errand day it did. If it was not an emergency, then I picked it up when I was out and about.

Spend time with your daughter and granddaughter. I don't have grandchildren but prioritize my own children's care above my mothers. None of us have unlimited time and need to balance what is best for our mental and physical health. Based on your post, that would mean spending time with your own daughter and granddaughter. Especially as your mother sounds like she is not mentally stable and there are siblings who could help out. It is not your responsibility to care 100% for your mother, go enjoy your life and see your daughter and granddaughter.

Momsgoto

You don’t need to explain or justify why you go see ( or help ) your daughter and granddaughter . You can go see them as often as you like . It is not a question of who needs who . I’m sorry that another poster on here actually is giving you grief about visiting your daughter and granddaughter .

You do a lot for your mother . You have every right to visit your daughter and granddaughter when you wish .

OMG!!! Really???? Your confused about who should be your top priorities???
Please stop! You already know that your daughter and grandchild MUST come before your narcissistic mom right?
Your mom has really done a number on you if you have to question who comes first in your life.
Why are you the only sibling that hasn't figured out moms games and manipulation yet? And why do you feel the need to put up with her nonsense?
These are questions you need to ask yourself.
Your mom is NOT your responsibility!!!! Period, end of sentence!
Your mom has had her life and you'll never get this time back with your daughter and grandchild, so put on your big girl panties and start acting like the grown ass woman you are and set the necessary boundaries with your mom so you can actually start enjoying your life and do the things you really want to do.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!

What "need" does your mother have?
In your profile you mention "age related decline".
Is mom living on her own?
Can she manage ADL's herself? (If not she should be in AL not living alone. )
Can she manage to make breakfast, lunch and dinner herself? (If not she should be in AL and not be living alone)
Can mom afford to have caregivers come in and help her if she needs day to day help?
You mention that your daughter lives "far away" how far is far?

Ok...I am not going to delete all this...you answered much of this in a reply so I will continue.
You have set boundaries.
Visiting your daughter and grandchild is not a weekly thing that is taking time from mom. It is a Respite for you. And it seems like mom does find for the week or so that you are gone. And honestly if it is across the country I would make it a 2 week visit not just a week. (Or use the second week to do a bit of sightseeing for your self)
Your priority should be YOURSELF then your daughter and grandchild then your mom. (actually since you are closer in proximity to mom she is ahead of your daughter and her family)
Let mom yell and scream and throw her tantrum. She will do just fine.
If you were ill and could not visit to do the things you do she would survive.
If your car broke down and you could not get to her that week, she would survive.

Your post does not sound like an unhealthy reaction to your situation. It sounds like someone that has given their situation a lot of honest thought and reflection. Having done so, you've found the answer to your own question.
Deep down in you want to be with your daughter and grand daughter.

So do that.

Just because your mother is elderly does not mean that you have to become her slave. Or that you have to tolerate abusive behavior from her.
When she has a hysterical tantrum you handle that exactly the way you'd handle a child having a hysterical tantrum.
You ignore her.
Please do what MeDolly advises you to lower on the thread. She has laid out EXACTLY how you should deal with your mother's abusive neediness and manipulation.
She would probably be better off not living alone at her age. You are not the only person on earth she can live with though.

This is a power struggle that your mother will do anything to win.

If she is living alone, she considers herself to be independent, then she should be able to care for herself. If she cannot, she is no longer independent and should be moved to a facility.

For now, set your boundaries, make it clear what you will be doing, what if she doesn't like it? Tough dingleberries. If she manufactures a crisis don't let her drag you in, if it medical tell her to call 911.

She cannot manipulate you unless you allow it, you are allowing it. She has you wrapped around her little finger to the point if you do not do what she wants you actually have trouble enjoying yourself, now that is what I call "Control".

For my part, your siblings have done the right thing, I would do the same.

" Does anyone have any useful advice or similar experiences? Also does this sound like an unhealthy reaction?"

Since you are seeing a therapist weekly, I'd love to know what he/she says about all of this.

"Also my boundaries are very set and I hold them well. Once a week visit, no heavy cleaning or laboring on house repairs. Small jobs are fine but heavy work is for paid workers now. Last year she had me repaving her patio and steps. Once a day calls."

Those are excellent boundaries! Once/week visit and once/day phone call.

Does she ever mention your siblings? I'd be so tempted to remind her that I was the only one of her children even in contact with her, and why does she think that is? However, when I pointed that out to my mother, she got very angry. She'd built up a lot of excuses in her mind over why my golden boy brothers (one in particular) didn't see her more. And of course I was told that my time wasn't worth anything.

If I was to be totally blunt with a Needy Bully, a Stubborn Elder, it would go something like this;

So you live alone. You consider yourself *living alone, independantly*. Yet you are reliant on many things from your family. So in fact you are *living alone, dependantly*.

As we age, we need more help to do some things. This is life. A WISE person will recognise this. A WISE & FLEXIBLE person will adapt, will learn to accept help. Help from family - then additionally from NON-family.

So, when you need help, your options start at;
#1. Family & friend volunteers.

If needs increase past what family & friends can do;
#2. Adding staff to your home (paid home help)

If needs increase past what can be done in a home environment;
#3. Move to where round the clock staff are provided.

These life stage changes require us to ACCEPT HELP & ACCEPT CHANGE.
They require flexability of thinking. This is your challenge.. Can you rise to it?

Or you can continue to be stubborn & refuse all help.
Up to you. But stubbornness has consequences. Eg refusing help at home when you need it, will increase risk to you:
risk of falling, dehydration, malnutrician, medication errors, untreated medical ailments.

It's all up to you.
To start to make changes now, or wait until a crises befalls you & have change FORCED upon you.

Your Mother has become like a 4 year old. Sigh. This happens.

If you want a laugh, try and picture her as a 4year old size, standing with hands on hips, a big pout, foot ready to stamp down HARD. Is she a grey hair in a bun, housecoat sort of lady? Or a well groomed matron, lipstick always on? Either way, picture her pint sized.

"My mom has told me that I should tell my daughter no and that she needs me more".

In other words;
"I don't want you to play with HER. I want you to play with ME!"

The polite concept of sharing. Out. Of waiting her turn. Out. Of realising other people have needs. Out.

HER needs & what SHE wants RIGHT NOW are what are important to her. Sigh.

I read an excellent description of this lately on a thread. I'll try to find it.

The Needy Bully. How's that?

First of all does your mom live with you?

She can only manipulate you if you let her. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

Stick with that therapy.