My mom has always been narcissistic. As she has aged it has become very concentrated. My siblings have completely left. They got tired of being manipulated and guilted. I am now 63 years old. My daughter needs me at times to babysit my grandchild. I love time with her and don’t mind helping out. It is very seldom. but she lives far away. My mom has told me that I should tell my daughter no and that she needs me more. She has a tantrum and gets hysterical when I tell her I want to help my daughter. Sometimes she actually creates a crisis so I can’t go. I feel so miserable now. It may be hard to believe but I’m confused about who to help. Deep down I want to help my daughter and spend time with my grandchild. It is hard to enjoy my time with them when my mother is acting out like this. Does anyone have any useful advice or similar experiences? Also does this sound like an unhealthy reaction?
Nothing else is on offer.
Has your mother been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? This very much sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Do some reading about that.
Yet there seems to be hefty amount that seem to lose that thoughtfullness & empathy... become unable to see past their own needs.
I do wonder if it is a return to babyhood thinking.. when we think Mother (or main carer) is actually part of us, the part that meets our needs.
(Or maybe some just never grow out of their infantile entitled attitude).
I'm not going to tell you more about it, but I think watching it will be instructive.
Check out this article too, it's been of great help to me in recognizing passive-aggressive covert NPD traits:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Mom is playing you like a fiddle, pressing all the buttons she INSTALLED on you. You're now feeling guilty for wanting to spend time with your own grandchildren........mom loves it when her plan comes together. Soon you'll be at her beck and call 24/7 with no life of your own, and still feeling like all you do isn't NEARLY enough.
Wake up before it's too late and you realize mother has usurped your ENTIRE LIFE! Yet she's still miserable and you're on antidepressants. Whats wrong with this picture?
Did the social worker say that Mom can’t live alone ? That would help getting Mom placed in AL , which you said is overdue.
Also go visit your granddaughter and daughter and whatever family or friends you want on your terms . Too bad on Mom . She either accepts the help you provide or she can get it from paid caregivers in her home or in AL. She does not own you.
Above is your post from February that I am sure you got some good answers. You are 63, Mom is 96 and Dad is gone and u devote one day a week to Mom. You talk to her an hr every night.
What boundries have u tried to set since Feb? Your daughter and grandchild trump your Mom. The only way ur Mom knows ur watching ur grandchild is if you tell her. Stop telling her. I see no problem calling her daily for a check in but it does not need to be an hour. One day a week to shop and run errands, see no problem. But you set the boundries not Mom. She needs you more than u need her. Tell your Mom that your family is #1. Their needs come before hers. I so hope u have stuck by your guns and she is not living with u. Tell her if she wants to be waited on hand and foot, to go to an AL.
If you are unable at this time in your life, after a lifetime with your mother, to make this decision for yourself I don't think that a Forum can decide it for you. I really would like to suggest you think about perhaps seeing a Licensed Social Worker who is in private counseling practice. I suggest a SW over a regular therapist because you don't need any sort of "Freudian" analysis of what went wrong with baby, but rather a solid and concrete approach to make your life better TODAY for YOU.
I wish you the very best.
You are an adult. Do what you WANT to do.
Unhealthy? Yes. I would never tell my adult children what to do. She sounds like a terribly entitled person, used to pushing people to do her bidding.
Daughter and grandchild come first. Your mother needs to find a new hobby besides manipulating you.