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My father has dementia and is getting more confused so some of his responsibilities were taken away at his place of worship, which I understand it had to be done. I just feel so bad for him. He’s taking it pretty hard. I know he’s in denial about his dementia so he might not see his memory getting worse or understand why this happened to him. Anything I can say to him to ease the pain?

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It doesn’t sound like the church handled this very well and that’s a shame. But since it has fallen to you perhaps you can back track a little and try to enlist their help in rectifying the pain their oversight has caused. Maybe he could be asked to help train the new people taking over his jobs, it’s important to be able to pass on tradition and knowledge that only he and his fellow long termers have. Maybe he could also be asked to take on some other “key” jobs they are having a hard time filling, ones that aren’t as affected by his memory issues (not something that needs to be said to him) say helping with child care, not in charge or alone but passing on his devotion to the youngest generation and or reading to them. Greeting people or helping to set up social hour after service... Give him new jobs that make him feel worthwhile and important to the congregation as an elder because he is. If you can’t get the support and help from the powers that be within the congregation for this, well I’m not sure they deserve his devotion but I know that is probably a hard sell so maybe something connected to your children or those of other parishioners that you can arrange connected to worship?
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You have to face facts - he has dementia and his mind is gone. NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY IS GOING TO CHANGE THINGS. You can try to distract him but I really don't know what else to say. And perhaps some medications could ease the anguish a bit.
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maybe explain in a way that he needs to let some of the younger generation step up to the plate and help out.  maybe he can guide them on certain things but tell him that everyone has to retire at some point from certain things so younger people can learn responsibility.  Maybe there is something small that he can do that will still make him feel important.  it is and can be hard.  best of luck
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I found that some of the symptoms of the disease, loss of memory and confusion, can often be used to a care givers advantage in some situations. And White lies help as well. My dad who had dementia belonged to an arboretum where he had a lot of responsibility. He was scheduled to give a talk to the public on bonsai one evening. It was painfully evident and awkard that he had dementia to everyone including himself. It was after that, that his responsibilities were taken away. Although the initial realization was painful, he soon forgot it, and we kept him busy with other things, and could always make up excuses if he remembered and asked about it.
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Did this have anything to with covid? Most seniors I know have not returned to an actual church inside services. Even with a mask, it’s one of the most risky places to go for covid, especially for seniors. The talking, singing and being in a confined space for a hour promotes the spread of the virus. Can he watch online?

When my dads health went down, (he doesn’t have dementia)he gave up his positions of Deacon, Trustee, and Sunday School teacher, so other younger men could have a chance to serve. He was sad, but, glad to step aside. The church honored him with a plaque with appreciation for his service, Maybe, you dads church could honor him that way, with covid precautions.
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Martz06: Depending on what his past responsibilities at church were, perhaps he can continue in another capacity, e.g. church greeting, handing out church bulletins, etc. Certainly the elders at the church would be able to understand and be compassionate.
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My mother lives in a Memory Care ALF. Out of 24 residents, she is the only one there who is perfectly fine; doesn't have dementia or even memory problems. It's the OTHERS who are 'stupid morons' and other assorted choice words. I bought her an Alzheimer's clock for her room which blazes out the day, date, time and whether it's day or night in HUGE bright letters and numbers and STILL she doesn't know what day it is.

When I worked in a Memory Care ALF before the plague hit, we had a resident who was allowed to come into the lobby to torture the receptionists every day. She, too, was 'perfectly fine' and was living there for NO GOOD REASON, dontcha know? No matter that she'd repeat herself literally 100x in 10 minutes. The OTHERS were all stupid idiots, morons, and about 1000 other horrible names she'd attach to the residents, same as my mother does.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Your father is not likely to accept his limitations. He should be able to go to his place of worship and still be an active member of the church without having responsibilities he's no longer capable of carrying out. You are not going to be able to convince him that what happened SHOULD have happened, or that it proper to have his responsibilities taken away, so all you can do is AGREE with him and commiserate over the unfortunate event. Perhaps he can hand out prayer books or greet people at the door, I don't know.

What makes the whole mess even MORE difficult to deal with is denial, in my opinion. It just takes things to a whole new level of frustration for all involved, so you have my condolences.
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I'm sorry, it is a difficult realization for most. But it is a very common part of aging, (Not saying it happens to everyone. That's a stereotype.) Maybe you can work on re-generating his memory or keeping it healthy here on out? Motivate him? Word games, Puzzles, Walks outdoors, Socialization, etc. Confirm that 'this happens sometimes' and we must be happy with what we can do/offer. And tell him, "Show you can do this job well at worship and they may give you more to do." There are also 'brain vitamins' and foods more beneficial towards brain health. But with any vitamin, always check with his Dr as sometimes vitamins/supplements interfere with prescription meds.
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What kind of responsibilities did he have? Was it something you could assist him with? My mom does greeting cards for an elderly group. I help with managing the names/addresses and give her the cards to put labels, stamps, and return addresses on. She is still able to participate with her 'job' even though she can't attend meetings and worship any longer.

If you can't help him, find out who took over his tasks and ask if he could participate with the process. Even if they toss out the work he did, he would still feel active in the duties.
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NobodyGetsIt Jul 2020
Great ideas!
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If he's only just now having responsibilities taken away he's probably still in pretty good shape neurologically. You might want to suggest that he make the most of his current memory and help you with the information you'll need to take care of him and your mother, i.e., setting up trusts and a DPOA, showing you where he keeps financial records, and the kind of information you often don't miss until it's gone, like who those people standing next to your grandparents in that photo are... Take advantage of the good days, and remenber the stories. I've been going through stacks of photos, identifying my parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and no one else. My father labeled and dated some photos; my mother never did.
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Talk with his church's pastor and/or staff. If he has a heart willing to serve, he should be allowed to serve. We had a gentleman that was wheelchair bound and suffered some cognitive decline after strokes. He was a permanent greeter with his wife at the evening services.
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dementia
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Eecclesiastes 3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

Remind him of GODS words and that there is a season for all things, this is the season for him to lose and cast away. Help him mourn the loss of what he obviously loved and encourage him to seek what he should be doing now. Sometimes we are not open to new things because we are wrapped up in what we have always done. The Lord knows what HE is doing, tell dad that he is in HIS keeping and to keep his eyes open for what is next, it is surely going to be a blessing whatever it is.
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My dad didn't have dementia, but he willingly gave up his church responsibilities because he decided younger people needed to step up and learn the jobs in order to take over as people retired. I think that was a bit of an excuse to cover for the tasks just being a bit too much for him, but he was also right -- everyone should step up and take their turn handling the responsibilities, because a church is a community and it shouldn't have people who are all givers and others who are all takers.

Perhaps you could frame it in that way for your dad.
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JuliaH Jul 2020
That was a sweet response! Your father knew and so did you but he turned it into a positive although it must've made him feel bad. Awesome advice, God bless him!
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If you can help him find what different things he can still help with, that's as much as can be done. My church is very small and we don't hire any services, all are tended by members. It may be much different in his church.
- Greeting
- Cleaning
- Organizing
- Gardening, groundskeeping
- Support the staff of different ministries (making snacks for kids, help build/create props for plays, decorating for the holidays, writing Thank You notes, etc)
- Kitchen help (food prep, clearing tables)

Every little bit of help he provides is so appreciated by others. My mom is not a member or our church, and doesn't even call herself a Christian but over the years she has graciously sewn costumes for the kid's plays, helped me put up decorations, pulled weeds in the garden and helped me prep and deliver food to the sick. She is now 91 and still helps with some of those things and she feels great doing it. Your dad could maybe be a Senior Ambassador if your church has a congregational care ministry but he may not like being "reminded" of what is coming his way. Visiting and bringing food and little gifts to shut-ins or NH residents is a precious contribution. I wish you all the best in helping him through this change.
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I should focus on the remaining responsibilities, and support him to carry them out perfectly.

Then try a rousing chorus of "Teach me, my God and King" to remind him that even the smallest contribution to worship is of value in God's eyes.

How was it handled by the congregation's officials? I hope they were sensitive to his feelings?
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