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I don't even think I was an afterthought I know I was
My father is very old and my sister tells me how no one trusts me
he won't let me help him with his daily life, (I have written about that before) my sister sent him a letter last year telling him how much she hates him
He is going there for christmas 89 years old alone on a plane because my sister asked him to go see his "grandson" and he can't wait to go
I asked him to hire a cleaning lady on a schedule and he refused but he will drop everything for a person who told him she hates him
I am not mad anymore I am just sad and I will drop them both, I know he will call and call because he thinks he was a good father
hopefully it will eventually stop
A long post but I really wanted to write it out
thanks





Mary, this is going on and on with you and for you. You have written us about it for some time. You obsessively concentrate on it and think about it and our brains are plastic and fragile. They form very unhealthy habit very easily. You currently are acting as your own worst enemy, and you are responsible for your own distress. Nothing is new in your family's lack of love and of their distrust of you, or their wish that you stop meddling.

You are a grownup now. Not a child. You should stop this for your own good. You need to make yourself a life with your OWN friends and hobbies. Let your family alone. They will not come forth EVER with this badgering and level of neediness.

Please see a good cognitive therapist. They work not by delving into a troubled past but by working on bad habits--'you are ruminating and marinating in your own unhappiness quite obsessively. You've formed terrible repetitive habits and it is becoming a kind of self harming. It is your responsibility to create a healthy good life for yourself with your own friends. You are not a victim here unless you make yourself one.

I repeat, you are grown up. Time to put away the things of the child.
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Mary444 Dec 4, 2024
"I repeat, you are grown up. Time to put away the things of the child."

You have 16,358 answers on this forum-time to put away your time posting here

Don't tell me how to feel or think
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I agree that you should talk to a therapist.

The attitudes others have towards you don't define you as a person unless you allow and accept them. We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose how much or little we interact with them, if at all.

May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
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Time to let them Both Go . Cut the cord and let go Of this toxic Family environment . It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself .
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Mary, take this for what it is, your family just did you a huge favor. As mine did, now you know where you stand, you can call the shots.
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For sometime now a friend of mine has been distancing herself from a 70 yr friendship. Even another mutual friend is surprised. For now I am just waiting to see where it goes. These are three things that have popped up on my Facebook that has helped me deal with it.

"Sometimes u gotta give up on people. Not because you don't care, but because they don't"

"If they want you in their life, they will put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot"

"People treat you exactly how they feel about you. Pay attention to actions not words"

My husband told me long ago that he did not need to tell me every day he loved me, I could see it in the way he treats me, with love. Its so hard to realize that you don't mean as much to someone as they mean to you. But you need to let it go. Stop letting it eat you up. You have tried Mary. Thats all you can do is try. When your trying is not welcomed, you walk away. Let Dad and sister have their toxic relationship, you walk away.

If you feel you should check up on Dad, call APS for a wellness check. If something serious happens allow APS to handle it saying that you have tried, Dad does not want you involved. Explain why you can't and won't care for him. The State can take over his care.

Please, do not feel guilty for your decision.
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Anxietynacy Dec 4, 2024
Also Joanna, sometimes it's not even about you, it's about them. They maybe having issues they want to hid from you, and your so knowledgeable they know you will pick up on it

Also I noticed in my family and in a lot of family's, the one that doesn't live in denial, is the one pushed away.
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I’m sorry for your pain in this. I hope you’ll accept others for who they are, and who they are not, and choose to move forward in life with people who bring good things to your life. I with you healing and peace
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Do you see a therapist , Mary ?
You can only change your reactions to these people . We can’t change those that treat us poorly .
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I can write a book on this. HA! My family never thought much of me, either except as either an ATM or a nurse maid or baby sitter.
Even meeting my family on my mom's side later in life, I discovered they were get over people who thought I should have no life except to take care of my aunt with dementia, because their lives/careers were too important to be spared.
My opinions/feelings didn't count much, either. I have pretty much written my family off, with the exception of maybe a small few that I can count on my little hand.
I like the expression someone mentioned about how we can't chose our family, but we can chose how little we interact with them. The more I tried to be around them, the more my feelings started to hurt, so I chose to stay away from them. It's sad, and not ideal, but I do have feelings and a soul.
It helps to know I'm not the only one who feels this way about family. Best wishes to you.
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Lovemom1941 Dec 4, 2024
It’s been just over a year now since I blocked my mother’s other children and her grandson who are extremely toxic and were making my life (which is normally happy, peaceful, and calm) miserable. My health was affected and my husband was growing weary of it. Since then, I have returned to peace most of the time. I find myself thinking about it but I don’t indulge those thoughts because they have no value. BEST THING I EVER DID!

Even as children my parents’ other children were horrible to me always; so I have decided they are not “mine” but hers and my father’s (God rest his soul) and I do not have to entertain their crap any more.

My mom’s cousins are terrific and my friends are wonderful so they are my family.
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I have followed your posts and are so glad you finally see things clearly now. Its not you its them. I say this because it seems in a family there is one person who has empathy. You are probably that person. I am that person in my family. But in your situation, I would have given up long ago.

Your sister tells Dad she hates him and then invites him to Christmas? How disfunctional is that. Make him aware that you are done. He is not to call you. He needs something, he calls your sister. Or, he hires someone but you no longer are going to be his punching bag. Block sister too. Maybe warning her too that you are done. Start off a new year free and having a life of your own.
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Yes I will look for a therapist if that is the answer for me ty
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