I don't even think I was an afterthought I know I was
My father is very old and my sister tells me how no one trusts me
he won't let me help him with his daily life, (I have written about that before) my sister sent him a letter last year telling him how much she hates him
He is going there for christmas 89 years old alone on a plane because my sister asked him to go see his "grandson" and he can't wait to go
I asked him to hire a cleaning lady on a schedule and he refused but he will drop everything for a person who told him she hates him
I am not mad anymore I am just sad and I will drop them both, I know he will call and call because he thinks he was a good father
hopefully it will eventually stop
A long post but I really wanted to write it out
thanks
"Sometimes u gotta give up on people. Not because you don't care, but because they don't"
"If they want you in their life, they will put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot"
"People treat you exactly how they feel about you. Pay attention to actions not words"
My husband told me long ago that he did not need to tell me every day he loved me, I could see it in the way he treats me, with love. Its so hard to realize that you don't mean as much to someone as they mean to you. But you need to let it go. Stop letting it eat you up. You have tried Mary. Thats all you can do is try. When your trying is not welcomed, you walk away. Let Dad and sister have their toxic relationship, you walk away.
If you feel you should check up on Dad, call APS for a wellness check. If something serious happens allow APS to handle it saying that you have tried, Dad does not want you involved. Explain why you can't and won't care for him. The State can take over his care.
Please, do not feel guilty for your decision.
Also I noticed in my family and in a lot of family's, the one that doesn't live in denial, is the one pushed away.
Your sister tells Dad she hates him and then invites him to Christmas? How disfunctional is that. Make him aware that you are done. He is not to call you. He needs something, he calls your sister. Or, he hires someone but you no longer are going to be his punching bag. Block sister too. Maybe warning her too that you are done. Start off a new year free and having a life of your own.
You are a grownup now. Not a child. You should stop this for your own good. You need to make yourself a life with your OWN friends and hobbies. Let your family alone. They will not come forth EVER with this badgering and level of neediness.
Please see a good cognitive therapist. They work not by delving into a troubled past but by working on bad habits--'you are ruminating and marinating in your own unhappiness quite obsessively. You've formed terrible repetitive habits and it is becoming a kind of self harming. It is your responsibility to create a healthy good life for yourself with your own friends. You are not a victim here unless you make yourself one.
I repeat, you are grown up. Time to put away the things of the child.
You have 16,358 answers on this forum-time to put away your time posting here
Don't tell me how to feel or think
Even meeting my family on my mom's side later in life, I discovered they were get over people who thought I should have no life except to take care of my aunt with dementia, because their lives/careers were too important to be spared.
My opinions/feelings didn't count much, either. I have pretty much written my family off, with the exception of maybe a small few that I can count on my little hand.
I like the expression someone mentioned about how we can't chose our family, but we can chose how little we interact with them. The more I tried to be around them, the more my feelings started to hurt, so I chose to stay away from them. It's sad, and not ideal, but I do have feelings and a soul.
It helps to know I'm not the only one who feels this way about family. Best wishes to you.
Even as children my parents’ other children were horrible to me always; so I have decided they are not “mine” but hers and my father’s (God rest his soul) and I do not have to entertain their crap any more.
My mom’s cousins are terrific and my friends are wonderful so they are my family.
The attitudes others have towards you don't define you as a person unless you allow and accept them. We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose how much or little we interact with them, if at all.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
It's only when we take the bull by the horns ourselves and say enough is enough, I will NOT continue to put up with this, that we can then start to move forward in the life that God intended for us to have.
You are not alone with your dysfunctional family, as I would venture to guess that pretty much everyone has some dysfunction in their families if they were honest, and some of us like myself have major dysfunction in our families.
But that dysfunction doesn't define us or dictate who we were meant to be.
So I wish you well in finding your way back to the road of wellness, wholeness, and joy.
God bless you.
You can only change your reactions to these people . We can’t change those that treat us poorly .